Sometimes Adam found it hard to breathe.
And tonight was no different. He was standing beside Kris, waiting for the results to be announced, waiting to see who was going to be safe from elimination. This was hard. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Adam thought maybe, just maybe, this was harder than having to choose a group to join. This was something he'd never dreamt of. Him and Kris in the bottom 3. Who the fuck made this decision? America? Someone behind the scenes of Idol? Whoever it was, it sure as hell wasn't funny. Not by any means did Adam Lambert want to laugh, no, he wanted to cry. So frustrating...being there, standing beside Kris...his Kris. He was the only thing keeping him strong. And everytime he glanced over at the beautiful boy from Arkansas, Kris would give him a wink and a lil toothy grin, letting him know that no matter what happened, they still had each other. And that was when Adam found it the hardest to breathe, when Kris was certainly rooting for him. He didn't want to take anything from Kris and he knew that Kris wanted him to have it all.
Yeah, Katy wasn't thinking any of this, he was sure. He couldn't see her anywhere in the crowd, but he knew she was there, her perfect lil face and her perfect blond hair, watching her husband, rooting for him, supporting him, praying to God that he doesn't get sent home. Yeah, Adam was sure of that. She had no idea what was going thru her husband's mind, that he was actually hoping against hope that maybe it wasn't the end of Adam's run.
This brought a smile to Adam's face. The two of them didn't have to say a word, the other already knew. All those nights he'd lay in bed, listening to Kris say to Katy: "I miss you. I love you." Nothing left in silence, just knowing. Nope, she had to be reassured, every single night that he was dreaming of her, thinking of her, missing her, wanting her. Adam had chuckled to himself, leafing thru a magazine, darting his eyes over to Kris every few minutes, watching him wring his hands, pace back and forth infront of the bathroom door, or push his hand thru his hair with a sigh. He knew that whatever had possessed him to marry Katy wasn't inside him when he was with Adam. No, with Adam, words didn't have to be spoken.
But Adam couldn't hate the girl. She did love Kris. And he guessed Kris still loved her, eventho things weren't exactly as they'd been before Idol had started. At auditions, he'd been a fresh-faced good ol' Southern boy, but while that was what his fans expected, Adam knew Kris a lil deeper than any of them. Adam saw every side of Kris Allen there was: Kris the giver. Kris the teacher. Kris the crier. Kris the singer. Kris the best friend. Kris the excellent kisser. Kris the smart ass. Kris the fuck up. Kris the confused. Kris the charmer. Kris the angry mad man. Kris the sarcastic. Kris the jaded. Kris the lost. Kris the lover. Kris the boy. Kris the man.
As the two of them stood there, waiting, he wanted to reach over and take Kris' hand, that was just fact. No denying that for even a second. Cos Adam was the kinda guy that showed the one he loved how much he loved him. There was never a doubt in his mind that he loved Kris. And Kris knew that. Sometimes Adam wondered if Kris took his love for him for granted. Then, with just a nod, a smile, or a hug, Adam knew he had nothing to worry about cos there was something special about Kris. Something beyond the lust that he sometimes felt when the two of them were alone. Something beyond the kisses he gave Adam.
There was definitely something about Kris. Something that made him want to be near him, always in his presense. Kris was a cool guy, totally laid back, fun, and had a smile that melted everyone's heart, but especially Adam's heart. Spending all this intimate time with Kris, he finally saw what Katy Allen had fallen in love with. There was more to Kris than just boyish good looks, there was a desire there, hidden behind those dowy brown eyes of his. And Adam definitely felt that desire.
Adam had never been the kind of guy to shy away from a challenge. He loved to make something worthwhile that much better. He always got what he wanted. Really, Adam had never been turned down. If he set his mind to doing something, well, that was just how it was, Adam was gonna do it and make it ten times better than it had been, and all his. There was never a doubt in his mind that he wouldn't continue to live his life this way, until he met Kris. Kris was something entirely new and intriguing, but he couldn't have him. There was just no way. He was a good guy, but he wasn't that good of a guy. In the end, he'd stay with his wife, cos that was what he thought he was supposed to do and Adam would be left in the memories.
In the end their love really had nothing to do with what was going to happen. And Adam would have to chalk it all up to bad-timing. Kris would say something about having to oblige Katy and keep their vows sacred, eventho the two of them had done more than just cuddle. And Adam would have to be the bigger man and say something about how he understood and it was all totally ok, after all, it was just fun, something to do to pass the time at the Mansion. And they'd hug (probably kiss good-bye, even) and that would be that. No more late nights. No more secrets. Just two people who shared some memories.
But on those long nights in the Mansion, Kris was Adam's. After letting Katy go, after a hundred reassurances, Kris would amble over to Adam's bed and lay down. The two of them would sometimes just lay there, for several minutes, listening to the other breathe. There had never been anything more beautiful, Adam had often thought, and believe you me, Adam had seen beautiful in his time. Lots of beautiful. But Kris was a different kind of beautiful. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on, something unattainable. It was a fleeting moment of beautiful, Adam knew cos at the end of this trip, he'd be left in California, only remembering Kris' touch, while Kris was back in small town Arkansas, making babies with his high school sweetheart.
Sometimes Kris would roll over and push his arm across Adam's chest, rest his head on his shoulder and doze. Other times the two of them would talk about what they'd love to do together, whether it be something as simple as a road-trip or something as extravagant as a to actually leave it all behind and just stay together, being in love and loving each other. Kris was usually the first to fall asleep, and Adam would find himself twirling pieces of his hair between his fingers, and smoothing it back down, just watching him as he slept. There were definitely other times when the boys would entertain themselves with some love-making, but these were the moments that Adam liked best, just watching Kris as he slept, imagining that he was actually dreaming about him and not about Katy...
Kris was safe, that had been what Ryan had said. And those few seconds, Adam felt the air release from the back of his throat. What a relief. Kris wasn't leaving. He'd never go anywhere. This was his time. And Adam could only think of one thing, he wanted to touch Kris. More than anything he wanted to kiss him, kiss him long and hard, right infront of America, say: "Fuck you. You think you can take this away from me?" to whomever had put him in this awful position in the first place, cos really, the title meant nothing if he had to lose Kris...but he didn't. Instead, he stood there, taking Kris' beautiful face in, that smile, lop-sided, most of the time, but lovely nonetheless. And when Kris' arms reach out to him, it took all of Adam's strength not to do what he'd thought about doing. A small snicker would do, between the two boys. He knew that Kris would understand. And when he felt Kris on tippy-toe, touching him, doing as best as he could to get all of him against his small body, Adam blocked everyone out.
There was no Ryan Seacrest trying to take Kris offstage. There was no Katy Allen out in the audience cheering on her husband. There was nothing but the two of them. Nothing but time and nothing but love. Then, Kris was pulling away, maybe too soon. Adam didn't want to let him go, but the bubble he'd created for the two of them had dispursed and everything was back in it's rightful place. And that was when Adam realized he wasn't breathing again, as Kris was heading to Allison's side. Kris had been shaking, Adam had felt him as the two of them embraced, maybe from excitement, maybe from the touching, Adam didn't know for sure, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to breathe again until he was safe, until they both were safe, and back in their own world.
The night had been stressful enough. But afterwards was always stressful for Adam, especially. This was when Kris had to do the husband thing. He'd go down to Katy, kiss her, hug her, hold her there for so long. He'd smooth back her hair, whisper something or other in her ear, sometimes she'd giggle, sometimes she'd blush. Adam never asked what he said to her. He let himself get lost in everything (anything else) around him. There were other people there, people watching him, people who wanted to be his best friend, but all he wanted was to be with Kris. He had wanted to tell Kris all the things he'd been feeling since they'd shared that first kiss. But he knew better. There was no way he could say everything to him. Kris wasn't the type of guy who threw it all away. After all, he was scared of what he was feeling...scared of what had developed between the two of them. Even if he didn't say it, Adam knew it. Kris wasn't distant, really, just conflicted. And Adam had to respect that. Sometimes he cursed himself for letting things develop as they had, cos he could've stopped it. But other times, he just held onto the bliss, held on for dear life.
Back at the Mansion, halfway down the hall, Kris stopped and turned to Adam. He hesitated for a moment, a look of worry over his face. Adam watched him for a long moment, wondering what must be going thru his mind. It must be racing. He must be asking himself all kindsa questions. But Adam didn't want him to worry about anything. It had been so close...too close. They'd almost lost one another. And Adam wasn't sure how he felt about it all, so he knew that Kris must be a wreck. He'd pretended like everything was ok. He had pretended like he was relieved to still be there, for the music, when he'd spoken with Katy. Never had he told her that he was actually relieved to have another week with Adam. Another week to lay in bed with him. Another week to kiss his lips. Another week to hold his hand. Another week to feel him. How would he tell her anyway? He didn't want to think about that til the end of the journey. And sometimes he wondered if he could just walk away from Adam. Could he really honest to God walk away from this man? His best friend? His everything?
Adam saw the pain in Kris' dark eyes. The same pain he'd seen in other lover's eyes. The pain of knowing that they had to go soon. And it broke Adam's heart. And there was no air. He only reach his hand out, touched the side of Kris' face, let him know that he was there, he wasn't going anywhere. Kris raised his eyes, but only briefly, the tears choked him up and he had to look down, had to hide his face. Adam pulled him to him, first only hugging him, not expecting a response from Kris.
"Shh. Shh. Now. I'm not going anywhere. I got you." Adam whispered, soothingly, as he stroked the back of Kris' hair.
Kris let himself hug Adam back, wrapped his arms around him, burying his head into his shoulder, eyes shut tight, and breathing as best as he could. The tears were choking him and he wasn't sure he could say anything without crying. It had been a long night for the both of them, and he didn't want to think about what might've happened.
Adam, on the other hand, had been in this exact spot several times over. It was never the same boy, but always the same position. Last time it had been Brad, this time it was Kris. Everything was a fleeting moment, Adam had come to realize. Everything was meant to end sooner or later. And this thing between him and Kris, it was no different. This was a fantasy after all. All of it. Idol. Music. Kris. It was all the same. And at the end of the day, Adam knew that he was gonna be ok, if he just remembered to breathe.