Paralyzed

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N - Special thanks to Rica and Anaside!

Sara quietly walked to the locker room after finishing her first shift after following her week long suspension. She was thankful only Greg and Grissom asked her about the episode; she couldn't handle it from anyone else. She knew she needed to apologize to Catherine – not that she wanted to, but she needed to, professionally. Sara needed to keep one thing in life constant. If not work, her mind would find it necessary to think about her dreadful past, or her dreadful future, both of which were off topic, at least for the time being.

Sitting down at her locker she closed her eyes, soaking in the peaceful silence. After taking a moment to compose herself, she stood to leave. Walking towards the door she heard Catherine and Sofia talking on the other side.

"You look like hell, Sofia."

Sara could hear the sarcastic tone in Catherine's voice. Well, at least she was a bitch to someone else and not just her. Not wanting to run into either one of them, Sara began to plan an escape route.

"Gee, thanks Catherine, you know how to make a lady feel good. I'm not working on a lot of sleep here, cut me a break."

"Did you go out last night, Sofia?" Catherine asked almost rhetorically. She was surprised at her answer.

"Actually, yes I did, Gil and I had dinner last night. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it goes. You'll probably see him dragging his ass too. I don't think either one of us is used to being up so late, or early, however you look at it."

Sara stood at the door, paralyzed. A long time ago she learned how to shelter her disappointment, but that part of her brain had been full for a while now. She closed her eyes and took a few cleansing breaths, the kind suggested by her PEAP counselor. It was not working. The knife was cutting clear through her heart, and this time, nothing was going to stop it.

Sara didn't have to make the decision to move as it was made for her. The door swung open and knocked her aside. Like a storm, in walked Sofia and Catherine, each with a look of wonder in their eyes. What had Sara heard? They didn't get a chance to find out as Sara turned and quickly walked out of the locker room…and straight into Ecklie, her other nightmare.

"Sidle," he spat, his voice filled with disgust that only Ecklie knew how to express. "Slow down, the lab doesn't need any accidents around here."

Sara barely picked her head up. "Sorry, I didn't see you." It was always about the lab. If she heard that line again she would puke.

He smirked, "Don't let it happen again."

Sara didn't hear if he said any more because by the time he uttered his last word she was four steps past him. Her mission: Get out of hell, now.

She was almost clear, just a few more steps and she would be at the exit, and then it happened. She saw him standing by reception, talking to Brass. Sara's heart fell into her stomach and the sudden lurch almost caused her dinner to come up. She looked at the man who less than a week ago held her hand, giving her strength. He was also the same man who apparently was spending the better part of the morning with another woman, her co-worker. The mixture of love and hate for Grissom fused in her mind. She didn't have the heart or strength to face him, so she did what she did best – put her head down and ran.

She didn't breathe again until she was safe in her car, and then she let it all go.

Remembering the words Grissom spoke that day to Dr. Lurie, the only real time he was open about his feelings. But was he? She closed her eyes wincing from the pain of his honesty.

'But then all of a sudden we got a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up, somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life, with her. But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it'

The past year had been hell, but she had kept some semblance of normalcy just knowing he did love her, knowing his career was the roadblock, not her. She opened herself to him because he had opened himself to her, albeit not directly. She put her feelings on the line, many times. She told of her tragic past to the same man, trusting him with her life. He would love me, if he could. He would be with me, if he could.

She had been a fool. Her father once told her no one would love her, and he had been right.

It was all a lie. He was a lie. She was a lie.

She knew what she had to do. Yes, it was time.

She would sort the details out later, but for now she turned the key, started her car, and drove home.

TBC? Please let me know what you think!