Disclaimer: ...whatever.
Poking a little fun at quite a lot through the use of exaggeration. All in good fun but I half-heartedly apologise to any who may take offence :D
Pretty Woman
History may tell us that women have been servile, staying at house to raise children and work in the kitchen, extolling the virtues of meek, quiet and gentle women who lived to serve their husband and children, to be seen but never heard. Women who lived their lives in devout piety no matter the circumstances around them and who were given sainthood for it, mythical women who were praised and portrayed as role models for the ideal women. Yes, history speaks of them all.
To be perfectly blunt, history is full of bullshit.
The reality is the misogynistic Greeks had the right idea when they feared the mythical Amazons, sirens and gorgons. Women are devious, clever, manipulative little darlings who can create mental scarring far worse than any gained on the battlefield. They have an inherent malicious streak carefully hidden from view, which when combined with their perceptive natures would put any villain to shame, assuming said villain is male of course. How the male species ever looked at a female and saw a damsel in distress can be very difficult to comprehend.
Squall Leonhart now wonders how he could have ever thought women in need of protection. He knew women were capable, strong and rational creatures but still, he believed they needed a man's protection, yes, even young mischievous Yuffie.
Silly, silly man.
He learnt the hard way how wrong he was. He learnt the hard way that women could be the devil incarnate with a sweet disposition to hide their malevolent natures.
It's now a wonder that he can look at his three female flatmates and not quiver with fear.
For you see, he had a very rude and very embarrassing awaking. Because of it he would never look at a female, however delicate, and see a damsel in distress. Never Ever Again.
XXX
'It's all for the plan, it's all for the plan.' Aerith chanted her mantra silently as she walked to Yuffie's alongside Leon, a tiny little fur ball named Guilt gnawing on her innards when Leon's features softened, that brotherly smile curling his lips.
"So Sora's just arrived? How is he doing?"
Aerith inwardly cringed at the soft fond tone, mentally congratulating herself on keeping her wince from showing. Remember the plan; it's for the greater good. She smoothed her expression, an innocently sweet smile fixed firmly in place as she inhaled quietly once. "Yes, everyone's at Yuffie's now, I thought you'd like to know." She lowered her eyes to the ground, smoothing an invisible wrinkle from her skirt, voice soft and perceptive. "I know how fond you are of Sora."
Leon nodded placidly, looking ahead again as they hit the dirt path leading to Yuffie's little house. "He's a good kid."
That little fur ball named Guilt increased his gnawing and seemed to have invited a friend named Anxiety to join in. Aerith forced a smile on her features as she linked arms with Leon and led him firmly up to Yuffie's front door. A second later Yuffie leapt from the large tree in her front yard with a war cry, soundly knocking Leon out with a frying pan. He crumpled to the ground just as Tifa stepped out of the house with a triumphant smirk and three familiar mischievous little fairies floating around her head.
X
Not for the first time that day Cloud Strife wondered where the hell the others were. Tifa was normally chasing after him by now, Yuffie had normally tried to prank him –or steal from him- at least five times and Aerith would have given him a few pep talks on various matters.
The fact that the Gullwings were suspiciously absent from the marketplace had him checking his belongings to ensure they were all in good condition and still there.
The fact that Leon was also missing set warning bells off. Leon never missed work. He'd seen the brunet do work with Aerith weighing him down and Yuffie wrapped around one or both of his legs in attempt to get him to take a day off.
Something was very wrong.
X
His head hurt. And oddly enough he couldn't move his arms either. Was he in a chair? It felt like it…so why couldn't he mo- …is that a rope he felt around his wrists?
With a groan and a large feeling of trepidation Leon raised his throbbing head to blink blearily at the three figures standing before him along with three tinier figures floating at their shoulders.
"What the hell?" He rasped as Aerith suddenly came into focus with a small smile on her lips. "Aerith why the hell am I tied up?"
"Now Leon," She tittered softly. "This is for your own good."
He eyed her suspiciously. "Sora's not even in Radiant Garden is he?"
"Well we had to tell you something in order to get you to Yuffie's." Tifa explained softly. "Neither mine nor Aerith's houses are private enough, and you never come near Yuffie's house even in emergencies."
Fear promptly drenched Leon like a bucket of cold water. "Private enough for…what exactly?" He silently congratulated himself for keeping the quiver of fear out of his voice. It wouldn't do to let Yuffie know he was getting a little scared, the brat capitalised on such things.
The six females all smiled suddenly with a predatory gleam in their eyes. If Leon hadn't been scared before, he most certainly was now. When the other five gestured her forward, Rikku clapped her hands and squealed with joy as she zoomed up to Leon; floating just inches from his eyes as she excitedly proclaimed their intentions.
"We're giving you a makeover!"
Oh hell no.
Leon wondered if he could make the chair scoot out of the door fast enough to escape; he quivered just slightly as they started to come closer, wondering if he could scream without it being girly.
When Yuffie grinned evilly and held up a pair of tweezers, making gestures at his eyebrows, he decided to hell with dignity and masculinity; he screamed for all he was worth.
X
"Now Leon, don't give me that look." Aerith chided as she brushed a little bit of blush onto his cheeks, meeting his furious and hurt glare, beautifully enhanced by the black mascara and eyeliner, with a calm look. "I had to do something, you were being too loud."
A silent growl rumbled from the back of the man's throat, his glower settling on Yuna with a venomous poison, enough to cause the little fairy to squeak and hide behind Paine.
Yuffie grinned her amusement while sorting through lipstick and lip gloss, happily consulting Rikku on the colours. "Squally you need to re-lax, we're helping you."
A disbelieving snort answered her. A dark glower telling her that had Aerith not used her magic to somehow silence his vocal chords he'd remind her that it was Leon, damnit.
Aerith smiled her sympathetic smile. "Really, Leon, we are looking out for your best interests. Now tell me, what do you think of this?" She held up a short black pleated skirt. Leon choked on a whimper and forced himself not to lose consciousness.
God only knows what they'd do then. Leon paled and shuddered at the possibilities.
Unfortunately Aerith took his response as positive and instantly started to sift through the pile of clothes for a shirt to match. Leon blanched as Yuna and Paine came at him with a red eye shadow. Tifa held his head still as she brushed his hair lovingly, commenting on its softness, and gently pulled it back into a low ponytail, securing it with a silver scrunchy. Leon made sure that his glower conveyed the promise of bodily harm when Yuffie stepped forward with a pale pink lip gloss. She simply laughed.
"Now really Leon, when your love-life kicks off because of this you'll beg us to do this again."
Love…life?
Leon felt the urge to cry building up behind his eyes as he slid them shut while a silent whimper left his throat. He really wanted to be left alone…
Tifa smiled in a sisterly fashion at him. "Don't look like the world's ended Leon! This is a good thing." She spread her arms out wide. "I mean, you're a prize, honey, what guy wouldn't be proud to have you? Don't get us wrong, you're gorgeous but you need a little polish."
Aerith nodded her agreement clutching a black mesh top. "Tifa's right, Leon." She said in her soft dulcet tone. "We want you to be happy and, more importantly, to have a boyfriend."
"Long live Yaoi." Yuffie proclaimed solemnly, sweeping a little glitter below Leon's eyes. He glowered.
How the hell did they know he was gay? He had specifically not told them for a reason…Cid and Merlin. The old men were the only ones he'd told, they had to have snitched. Dead old men. Don't they know how rabid these girls were as fangirls? Images of hanging the two men by their thumbs from a castle tower shone in his mind, creating a soothing effect.
Paine eyed him warily as she floated to stand on Aerith's shoulder. "How are we going to get the clothes on him?"
Leon's eyes shone with his relief, his tense posture visibly relaxing. They couldn't! He was tied up and the moment they untied him he was going to run like his ass was on fire.
His hope was brutally butchered when Aerith suddenly smiled in a snake-like way. "Oh Leon will co-operate with us." She murmured silkily, a deadly gleam in her pretty green eyes; Leon felt shivers run up his spine. "Won't you, Leon?"
Had he had his voice, Leon probably would have babbled off a multitude of agreements but as it was, he simply nodded, swallowing nervously.
Aerith was scary.
The ropes slipped off his wrists and ankles. He stood up rubbing one wrist and eyeing the females cagily.
Yuna and Tifa smiled teasingly as Yuffie and Rikku leered at him.
"I hope you don't go commando, Leon." Yuffie cackled as the man blushed and weakly shook his head no. Defeat had been conceded. At this point he could only hope no one would ever know of this.
"So glad to see you're co-operating, darling Leon." Aerith said sweetly as she took his bomber jacket from him. "And remember to take your shirt off carefully. If you ruin your makeup we'll simply have to start all…over…again."
Leon quivered faintly and made sure to take great care in taking his white shirt off. Tifa came forward with a red singlet and a black mesh top and carefully pulled it down over his head, fussily smoothing it over his torso.
"You were right Aeri; no chest hair." Tifa sighed her relief. "Good, one less thing to wax."
Leon froze, turning horrified eyes to Tifa.
Did she say wax? As in that weird, presumably painful thing women did to gain smooth hairless legs and…unmentionables?
Leon bolted for the door. Yuffie tackled him in five seconds flat, his side slamming painfully into the wooden floor.
Leon really wished he could scream. Someone had to hear him if he did, right?
X
After reluctantly consulting Cid and Merlin who were in the middle of an argument when he arrived, Cloud clutched the map detailing how to get to Yuffie's house and set off towards the bailey with more than a little apprehension as he mulled over what little information the two elder men had been able to offer. What little there was reminded him just why he was gay in the first place. Excluding the obvious reasons, of course.
The girls had been plotting with the Gullwings. Leon was the target. Oh and could Cloud tell Leon that they hadn't meant to let slip about his sexuality in front of the girls? There's a good lad.
He needed to find them quickly before the women did something to the poor innocent brunet. He made a mental note to have a long chat with Tifa about getting involved in plots, and another to use a fly swatter on the Gullwings, and then a final mental note to lecture Leon on the dangers of females.
It was clearly a talk well overdue and, unknown to Cloud, far too late. Leon was learning the hard way.
X
Leon wiggled and bucked, trying to throw Yuffie off as she sat on his stomach pinning his arms to the ground. Vaguely he noticed that there was something so…wrong with the image and was almost thankful that no one visited the crazy ninja's lair. Aerith and Tifa were tugging his pants off carefully, his boots and socks already long gone and chucked into some obscure corner. He felt like crying as the girls leered at his choice of underwear. He felt so…so violated.
"Stay on him Yuffie, I'll go get the wax, it should be heated by now. Aerith, give her a hand…or rather a little bit more weight."
Aerith giggled as she joined Yuffie on the Leon-couch. She wiggled a little as she settled down on his thighs. "Leon, do stop fidgeting, you're making a horrid chair."
Leon wished he could scream 'good' at her as he bucked and wiggled more. At least until Yuffie gave a lecherous grin and informed him of the implications of his actions. That stopped him cold.
He trembled a little as Tifa returned and put a strip of cloth with hot wax on his legs, really wishing he had a voice with which he could have hopefully deterred them from ripping the hair off of his legs. When he heard Tifa inform everyone that she was going to pull the strip off, he bit his lip.
'Motheroffuck!'
Yea…That hurt. His eyes watered and his leg stung. Yuffie rolled her eyes at him in a manner he thought rather callous.
"Don't be a wimp Leon, it doesn't hurt that much."
'Like hell.' He thought spitefully then winced as Tifa quickly ripped another strip off.
Some time later Tifa proclaimed to be finished. The three fairies darted forward and ran tiny hands over his shins.
"So smooooth!" Yuna giggled. "Like a baby's…you know what."
"Oooh, it's not shiny but I like it!" Rikku squealed. "Can we keep it?"
"Leon needs his leg Rikku." Paine sighed as she shook her head.
"Awwww…"
"Now for the skirt!" Aerith said cheerfully and watched as he reluctantly put it on under the force of her scary look. "Oh! Here Leon, I better let you have your voice back."
As soon as his vocal chords were freed, Leon whimpered and banged his head against the coffee table before letting out a stream of swearwords that would have had Cid blushing.
"Hey Aeri, what shoes should Leon wear?" Yuffie asked, tilting her head as she held up a pair of black knee-high lace up boots in one hand and a pair of strappy stilettos in the other.
Now Leon gave into the urge to scream, throwing himself bodily across the room.
XXX
Cloud had just closed Yuffie's gate behind him when he heard Leon's scream.
"Fuck." He muttered jogging up the path. As he went to grasp the doorhandle, it swung open and revealed Tifa standing there with a patently false look of surprise on her pretty face.
"Cloud, what a surprise!"
"My ass." He muttered in response. "What did you do to Leon?"
"Nothing." She pouted at him, a little hurt shining in her eyes.
"Tifa…"
"Oh fine. Come into the living room and see."
Leon was pressing himself against the wall with a look of utter terror on his white face, wide eyes fixated on Yuffie and the shoes in her hands. Aerith sat in an armchair smiling serenely with a cup of tea in her hands as she greeted Cloud warmly. The Gullwings fluttered around the room giggling.
Leon's mouth went dry as he tried to will himself to be swallowed up by the floor; said floor didn't want to co-operate so Leon was stuck there sadly. He made a note to let a bulldozer run through Yuffie's house in the very near future. Yuffie enthusiastically welcomed Cloud in, immediately asking his opinion on the shoes, waving both in his face and granting Leon a few more precious seconds before Cloud noticed his attire.
Cloud froze in shock, choking on a little spit when he noticed Leon's appearance. His eyes travelled over smooth hairless legs to the pleated skirt and up over the mesh top over a red singlet and Leon's griever pendant to the…was that make up? Lip gloss shining on his lips? Eye shadow, mascara and eyeliner darkening his murky-blue eyes? Was that long hair in a ponytail?
"Tifa?" He asked weakly, cheeks dusted with a faint pink as he willed himself not to have a nosebleed. "Why did you put make up on Leon?"
Leon glowered at him. Cloud had to increase the strength of his will not to nosebleed at the sight of those dark eyes narrowing at him and the low rumbling voice which demanded that he 'shut the hell up!'
Yuffie beamed at him. "He looks hot with makeup on don't ya think so Cloud?"
"Basic survival instincts scream that the answer is no." Cloud promptly replied as he backed out of the room while Leon's glower swept over the young ninja. "Basic survival instincts also dictate that I shall not ask about the skirt."
"That was Aerith." Tifa gleefully supplied to Cloud's horror. "She's very scary when she wants to be, you know. Terrified Leon into it."
"Uh-hu. Leon looks fit to murder so I'll…I'll just take my leave now." Cloud fought back a stutter as he fled the room; blood trickled from his nose the second he was out of the house. "Oh god…Leon in a skirt. Makeup! It's like some kinky fantasy…oh fuck…"
Rikku watched him leave with a hand clapped over his nose, blood seeping between his fingers, and muttering his incredulity. She clapped her hands in delight and hurried back indoors to report to Yuffie.
XXX
"Girls, you've had your fun now give me back my clothes!" Leon's voice clashed over them like a roll of thunder while his eyes shot daggers at them, had they been lesser women they would have quailed at the anger flashing through his eyes like lightening ready to strike them.
"Sorry, no can do." Yuffie chirped a little too cheerfully given the look of imminent doom Leon was giving them all. She coughed lightly behind a hand before continuing. "We spilled a little makeup over your clothes. They're now soaking wet and in the washing machine."
Had he less self-control, Leon probably would have strangled her silly. Or dead, whichever took longer and Leon was sure it wouldn't take long to strangle her silly so he'd have to strangle her dead.
Aerith gave him a look of sympathy. "Leon, we are sorry about your clothes. If I had a jacket I'd loan you one so you could go home. But I don't so you'll have to stay for a few hours."
"Like hell." He spat kicking viciously at a chair leg. "I'd rather walk home like this."
"Well off you go then." Tifa replied tartly, clapping her hands once. "Chop, chop. Cheerio and all that." As she expected, Leon paled and wilted a little and she softened her expression. "Go up to the guest room Leon, you can hide in there until your clothes are ready."
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her, remembering their earlier revelation that the make over was to gain him a boyfriend before shrugging it off as meaningless girlish teasing and storming upstairs.
Tifa turned to Yuffie, whispering in an urgent voice. "Got the key?"
Yuffie smiled angelically as she held up the key to her guest bedroom.
"Let's go." Aerith murmured excitedly. "Yuffie you keep Leon locked in the guest room. We'll…erm, fetch Cloud."
"Silly Leon." Tifa intoned winking at the Gullwings. "He's surprisingly trustful isn't he?"
Yuffie grinned so wide, her face hurt. "Too trustful, the silly thing." She laughed quietly as she pranced upstairs, the little silver key clutched tightly in one hand.
XXX
"Remind me why I'm coming back." Cloud muttered with a blank expression, though his eyebrow crept up his forehead in a gesture of interest.
"Well, after you left, rather rudely by the way," Tifa drawled. "Leon and Yuffie started fighting and Yuffie went a little far, Leon fell down a flight of stairs…"
"Broke his leg, the poor dear." Aerith continued with a sweet smile, a warm hand resting on his arm. "Tifa needs help to carry him up gently to the guestroom. I'm not strong enough sadly and Yuffie…well, it's Yuffie, Cloud dear."
Cloud winced. "Alright." He agreed reluctantly as they started up the dirt path to Yuffie's.
Much like Leon, Cloud was caught unawares when Yuffie leapt from her tree, slamming a frying pan onto his head with a loud clang. The others watched in awe as the man stumbled about weakly, severely dazed but conscious. Cloud had a pretty thick skull. They hurried to direct his incapacitated ass into the house and up the stairs to the guest bedroom where they locked him in.
"Damn Strife, how hard did they hit?" Leon asked, kneeling awkwardly beside the blond and checking the large bump forming on the top of the blonde's head, having to irritably swipe the spikes away to look at it.
"I dunno." Cloud slurred, swaying on the spot. "The world is tilting and I think I'm too sloshed to dance."
Leon raised an eyebrow, sitting back as he chose not to comment but noted that the girls had clearly hit him very hard. He sighed and turned his gaze to the barred window. "I wonder if we could make a hole in the wall." He wondered thoughtfully. "Given the circumstances, it'd be Yuffie's fault if she finds an unwanted door in her guestroom."
"Mother of fuck." Cloud breathed a few minutes later, clutching at his head. "That vicious little cow! I'm going to wring her skinny little neck when I got a hold of her!"
"Welcome back to the realm of the sane." Leon muttered dryly. "Now help me plot a way out."
"Leon, these are females we're dealing with." Cloud replied blankly. "There is no way out."
Leon raised an eyebrow. "It can't be that bad."
Cloud stared at him silently for a long moment before finally replying in a tone of exasperated fondness, reminiscent to a one explaining something obvious to a child for the hundredth time.
"Leon, your naivety is both endearing and bloody frustrating."
"Huh?"
Cloud sighed tiredly, massaging his temples. "Leon, it's time we had a talk about women."
"I'm gay Strife; I don't need to understand women."
Cloud shook his head, once again feeling fondly exasperated at Leon's surprising naivety. "You're wrong Leon; even a gay man needs to know about women…"
An hour later Leon was staring at Cloud in horror as the blonde's voice slowly died away.
"Strife, I don't think I've ever been so relieved to be gay." He whispered stunned.
Cloud nodded grimly and patted his shoulder sympathetically. "You really should have known this ages ago." He shuddered. "I'd much rather face the darkness than women."
"I wouldn't let them hear you say that." Leon shivered and gestured to his attire. "If this is what they do when they're trying to be helpful, think about what they'll when they're being vengeful."
Cloud stilled, eyes falling on Leon's legs. "Uh. Out of curiosity, did they shave or wax?"
Leon threw the alarm clock at him. It hit his shoulder before falling to the floor.
Cloud rubbed his shoulder and nodded sagely. "Ah, they waxed."
Leon threw a book. Cloud ducked and gave an irritable sigh. "Stop throwing things!"
Out of ammo within an arm's reach, Leon ripped the scrunchy out of his hair and threw at him and pointed a shaky finger at him glaring. "Stop talking about…that."
"Fine."
They fell into silence as was their habit, though Leon gathered fresh ammo and continued to throw things whenever Cloud's eyes happened to linger a little too long on the results of the enforced make over. It was starting to get dark when Leon sighed, knowing that it would be morning before they were let out, and turned to the bed.
"Strife I'm tired, keep an eye out okay?"
"Yea." Cloud kept his eyes fixed resolutely on the silver scrunchy sitting innocently on his lap; Leon didn't seem to understand what wearing a short skirt entailed.
XXX
Some time later, on the other side of the door Yuffie was sulking.
"Nothing's happening!" She hissed to the others, peeking through the keyhole and seeing, to her complete chagrin, Leon asleep on the bed alone and Cloud's spiky hair not too far from the door. "Shouldn't they be fucking their brains out by now?"
"Sweetie, you're talking about Leon and Cloud." Aerith sighed, eyeing the door mournfully. "We'll be lucky if they even grope."
"Awww," Rikku pouted.
Paine frowned looking at the door. "So not cool."
"Perhaps we should inform them of the terms of bail." Tifa murmured wickedly. The others blinked at her as she pounded on the door. "Oi! Cloud!"
Cloud's vehement swearing answered her as he explicitly stated what he was going to do to her upon freedom. The Gullwings clamped hands over their ears while Yuffie giggled and Aerith blushed.
"Yea whatever Cloud." Tifa dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "You want out, yes?"
"I think that's obvious!"
"Well, there is one small catch…"
"Oh hell."
Tifa gestured to Yuffie to continue. The ninja cleared her throat dramatically before speaking in a proud tone. "You see Cloud, for ages we've watched our two favourite male associates, a.k.a you and Leon, and for ages we've had to sit through the chokingly thick, unresolved sexual tension, which while admittedly being hot isn't as hot as say, you two boinking?"
"I beg your pardon?!"
Smiling widely now Yuffie continued as though the interruption had never occurred. "It was getting ridiculously frustrating you know, so at approximately 4:57pm last Thursday we devised a plan. Rikku, would you be so kind as to inform Cloud of the plan's name?"
"The plan has many names but we settled on –we being Yuffie and I of course- tadadadaaaa! The Cleon Yaoi Plan! C.Y.P!"
A thud came from the other side of the door alongside some muffled cursing.
Tifa sighed. "Cloud, did you fall over?"
"You. Are. Insane."
"He's mad." Tifa confided to the others smiling broadly. "But he loves us for it really."
Aerith knocked on the door softly. "Cloud? If you want out you and Leon are simply going to have to enter a long term romantic relationship."
There was a long pause before Cloud finally answered. "You are aware that forced relationships rarely work out right?"
"Oh pooh. Fyi, Cloud, plenty of arranged marriages work. Besides, I saw that nosebleed." Rikku countered giggling uncontrollably at the end.
"Have fuuuun!" Yuffie cheered as she proceeded to drag the others back down stairs. "Remember to get everything on camera!"
-----
I was going to put more but I've struggled with getting a better ending for this for well over three months (I started out strong and finished weak, just like my bloody essays!), my patience for this fic is gone. I'll stop it here and maybe do an aftermath at a later date.