Beyond the pale
I know I shouldn't be doing this, I know it's wrong. I mean what sort of girlfriend would be so suspicious as to search her boyfriends' apartment for… God, I don't even know what I'm looking for. I just need to find something, anything to help me understand. He's amazing, helpful, caring, and intelligent. How could such a good person end up with what I can only describe as a tragic life? Here he is living in a run-down apartment, working till the early hours of the day just to get food on his paper plate.
He must have made a huge mistake to end up like this, and I have the right to know what this mistake is, so I can decide whether I want to stay with him. It's the right thing to do. Then again, if this is the right thing for me to do why do I feel so guilty about it? Why do I feel as though I'd let myself down again? This is like dejevu, it's happening all over again. Why do I always do this, dig my claws into something that may not even be real. Maybe it's just me reading too much into this. Maybe it's just my own insecurity getting the best of me like it has done many times in the past. I'm the one with the problem here, not him. I was always taught never to trust anyone. That trusting people would always lead to you to letdowns and misery. To some extent that was true, everyone who I let into my life ended up making me hate myself. How can he live like this? How can he live in this bleak hell, away from all his so-called family and friends?
I sigh in frustration, why does everything always have to be so complicated, why do I always make things complicated? I absent-mindedly run my fingers through my short auburn hair, mulling over my thoughts. My fingers grasp hold of the door handle, and linger there as I make my decision. I'm going to do this. I'm going to find out the truth about him. My heart is beating as loud as drums. As the door opens I straight away flinch, the strong musty smell and the sight of his room makes my stomach churn. I feel slightly disorientated, not only by the environment but also with my state of mind. Once again the question pops into my head; how can her live like this?
I step into the claustrophobic room; it is full of grays and blacks. The creased wallpaper is peeling off. It feels as though the four gray walls are closing in on me, making me feel suffocated, and trapped. On the far right corner of the room there is a small bed, lying on top there are dark crumpled bed covers. Next to it, on the left there is a small white table with a few draws underneath. In front there is a pile of dirty clothes, and a few foil take away boxes. I crinkle my nose in disgust. There's a small stained window above pile of clothes. Light seeps through it adding a small amount of brightness to the dreary room. On the floor at the forefront of the room there is a small TV piled with dust, and a phone charger beside it. I can hear nothing but howling sirens.
I want to leave, to run as fast as I can out of the room, close the door behind me and act as though nothing happened, but I can't. I've had enough of pretending. I'm caught in a lose- lose situation, If I find some horrible dark secret I'll probably break up with him, and be miserable. If I find nothing, I will know I'll never be able to trust anyone. I close my eyes and breathe in, attempting to regulate my rapid heartbeat. I open my eyes and breathe out, bracing myself for what I may find.
My eyes scan the room stopping at the table. I reluctantly walk towards it, treading over the dirty clothes. I stop by at his bedside and trail my fingers along the dusty table. I pull the handle of the draw before I get a chance to change my mind. I look into the draw and frown in confusion. Laying in it there is a list and some white plastic packets. I pick up the list. On it is scrawled in blue ink with his hand writing there are peoples' names, Catherine, Jamie, Liam, the names continue down the A5 paper. I don't recognize any on the names apart from one Jayne, a friend of mine.
My heart beats louder and louder, faster and faster. Next to the names there is more writing, I squint trying hard to read it. I feel my heart jerk as realization hits me. Oh god, no. It can't be. Next to the name there are various names of drugs, and ticks. Heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, LSD, it goes on. Unable to read anymore, I crumple it up and throw it onto the floor.
I look at the draw again and pull out a plastic packet. I swallow hard and open the bag. Inside there is white powder confirming my fears. My eyes become blurry as tears fill them. Tears freely fall down my cheeks, and I make no attempt to wipe them away. How could he? How the hell could he do that to me, to them? It all makes sense now, the scars on his face, 'working' till early morning of the day. He's nothing but a drug merchant, and Jayne, how could she betray me, betray herself. I need to get out of here. I need to get away. I feel as though I'm choking. I violently wipe away my tears and bolt out of the room and out of the apartment. Once outside I run down the stairs of the block of flats, ignoring the screams and bits of glass spread on the ground, now digging into the soles of my cheap trainers.
I stop outside, the brightness of the sunlight stinging my eyes. There I collapse on the floor leaning against the tall buildings I just escaped from. I struggle to breathe. Tears continue you spill down my cheeks, and I wipe them with the back of my hand. I notice a woman is staring at me a sympathetic look plastered on her face. I want to last out, hurt someone. As I look away from the woman, I notice a man approaching me; he has a pair of old white Nike trainers on, some ripped blue jeans and a hooded black jacket. As I look up further I recognize the silver ring he's wearing. Looking at his face I flinch. He stares at me his dark green eyes are ice cold, and his raven black hair tousled. It's him…
All comments and criticms, muchly appreciated.