Dear Diary
A few words, Samantha writes her story.
Dear Diary,
You know. Actually you don't because I do not always do this. I don't ever so, well, you don't. OK. I'm not sure where to start. I have a million questions that may never get an answer and that's just frustrating. Did I grow up to fast? 'cause all I remember was one day waking up beside this man I love so much, not being aware of everything I'd done before. How did I get here? There are small things I remember about my childhood. Going to my friends' house and playing till exhaustion bit me. As a teenager believing I was living getting drunk every Saturday in the bar of the corner. There wasn't much to do. Everybody new the one next door, their problems, their lives. But I was happy. Where did that little girl go? I don't know. She may be lost by now. Or maybe inside of that boy's head, hurting him more and more each second that goes by, hurting him every day as every night for having hurt her so deeply, so bad. And it's sad, isn't it? I woke one day grown up already, not ready to be on my own. Am I alone now? Or an I with him, this man beside me? But I'm afraid. I've hurt enough people already. Besides, he's married. It just feels so right being around him, it feels so good having someone to trust in. But his girls, God. Every time I see his girls my heart aches so badly. To think that they don't know what happened between their father and I, what went on for so long, long enough for them to know. An now I doubt whether the eldest of them doesn't know. I'm starting to believe she does. Children should always be told the truth, I agree on that, but she's so young, she doesn't need to know. He still talks to me. It happens that I'm the one who understands what his job implies, what doing what he does means to him. Not that it goes above his family though. It's over. We both said it was. I can't go on like this, and I can't remember how it all started in the first place. But does it really matter? I was with others, before and after, but him, he's different, he makes my heart beat. But it's over. I can't go back. What happened to me? What happened to my common sense? To my morals and ideals? I don't know. They're definitely gone. Every rule I had established in my mind, every rule there is at work, were all broken. I'm no-one now. Will I ever find that little girl who was not afraid to dream and make wishes, she who was not afraid to live? Because I'm lost and I need to find her to go on. I need her to guide me through the dark paths in my way to wherever it is I'll go in the end. Because she was my light, and that light, that candle was blown one day. How am I going to turn it back on? I wish I knew? I'm lost. I was afraid to see and now I'm completely lost. To my life there's no way back but I'm not sure I want to change anything I ever did. Cause everything I did, together, brought me here. If I change my past, any single stupid detail, I don't know where I would be standing now. I still don't know. And I can't go back, even if I wanted. But I need that little girl. That little girl and Jack. I'll have to resign myself with seeing him in the office every day, at least we talk. I'd be dead if it weren't for him, literally and metaphorically. I don't know how mucho I can handle, I'm not as strong as I seem to be. His simple existence keeps me alive.
Samantha Spade, 2004.
A few words, Samantha writes her story.
Dear Diary,
You know. Actually you don't because I do not always do this. I don't ever so, well, you don't. OK. I'm not sure where to start. I have a million questions that may never get an answer and that's just frustrating. Did I grow up to fast? 'cause all I remember was one day waking up beside this man I love so much, not being aware of everything I'd done before. How did I get here? There are small things I remember about my childhood. Going to my friends' house and playing till exhaustion bit me. As a teenager believing I was living getting drunk every Saturday in the bar of the corner. There wasn't much to do. Everybody new the one next door, their problems, their lives. But I was happy. Where did that little girl go? I don't know. She may be lost by now. Or maybe inside of that boy's head, hurting him more and more each second that goes by, hurting him every day as every night for having hurt her so deeply, so bad. And it's sad, isn't it? I woke one day grown up already, not ready to be on my own. Am I alone now? Or an I with him, this man beside me? But I'm afraid. I've hurt enough people already. Besides, he's married. It just feels so right being around him, it feels so good having someone to trust in. But his girls, God. Every time I see his girls my heart aches so badly. To think that they don't know what happened between their father and I, what went on for so long, long enough for them to know. An now I doubt whether the eldest of them doesn't know. I'm starting to believe she does. Children should always be told the truth, I agree on that, but she's so young, she doesn't need to know. He still talks to me. It happens that I'm the one who understands what his job implies, what doing what he does means to him. Not that it goes above his family though. It's over. We both said it was. I can't go on like this, and I can't remember how it all started in the first place. But does it really matter? I was with others, before and after, but him, he's different, he makes my heart beat. But it's over. I can't go back. What happened to me? What happened to my common sense? To my morals and ideals? I don't know. They're definitely gone. Every rule I had established in my mind, every rule there is at work, were all broken. I'm no-one now. Will I ever find that little girl who was not afraid to dream and make wishes, she who was not afraid to live? Because I'm lost and I need to find her to go on. I need her to guide me through the dark paths in my way to wherever it is I'll go in the end. Because she was my light, and that light, that candle was blown one day. How am I going to turn it back on? I wish I knew? I'm lost. I was afraid to see and now I'm completely lost. To my life there's no way back but I'm not sure I want to change anything I ever did. Cause everything I did, together, brought me here. If I change my past, any single stupid detail, I don't know where I would be standing now. I still don't know. And I can't go back, even if I wanted. But I need that little girl. That little girl and Jack. I'll have to resign myself with seeing him in the office every day, at least we talk. I'd be dead if it weren't for him, literally and metaphorically. I don't know how mucho I can handle, I'm not as strong as I seem to be. His simple existence keeps me alive.
Samantha Spade, 2004.