Author's Note: This is a complete and utter crack fic written by Twitter rpers Rin_Sharknado and Tears_of_Armin. This fic was born out of a conversation about Otps and it kind of went a bit crazy from there. Nothing in this fic is meant to be taken seriously and we both apologize if this nonsense scars you for life.
Also, grammar and spelling may not be perfect and writing may be crappy because Rin_Sharknado was too lazy to care by the end.
Tears_of_Armin and Rin_Sharknado claim no ownership of anything in this fic and are just two poor young women that enjoy stupid humor way too much. Enjoy!
It was a bright and sunny day, and as per usual, Grisha Jaeger was leaving his family behind to do his work. Whatever that work was, no one knew, but it was important enough to Grisha to keep him out of the house for days at a time under the charade that he was a doctor.
"Dear, even though I just returned an hour ago, I have to leave for the inner walls again. My mistress…I mean, my duty as a doctor calls me to aid the sick bastards…I mean people there. I shall return in about a week, or a month, or whenever the fucking is over…whichever comes first. So long!"
Carla laughed. "Oh Grisha, my darling, you are so funny! Now, if your duty calls, you'd better get going to help those sick people."
Grisha nodded slowly, grabbing his top hat and making his way to the door. "Oh! I almost forgot! Don't let Eren go into the basement. He's not old enough for that yet."
"Of course, dear."
With those parting words, Grisha bid farewell to his wife and went off to do whatever the hell it is that he did on his trips. Carla waved him off, waiting until he was out of sight before sighing. "Another period of time without my husband. Doesn't he understand that I need a man's sweet lovin'?"
It was then that she saw an absolutely trashed Hannes walking down the street, an answer to her prayers. Well…it would have to do. "Hannes, come inside. We can…talk. Yes, talk."
Of course, Hannes didn't understand the meaning behind her words. "Sorry Carla, I'm not feeling much like talking now. It feels like a boulder fell on me and crushed my head."
"Now, now, Hannes, I'm sure you won't regret this talk." Carla raised an eyebrow at him, beckoning him to come inside.
And again, Hannes didn't catch her drift. "Carla, really, I think I'll regret just about anything right now. Just leave me be."
As he began to walk away, Carla knew she had to take action quickly. "Hannes, you complete and utter idiot, I want you to come into my house and make sweet passionate love to me in the place of my husband!"
What she was requesting finally hit him like a ton of bricks, literally as her brat of a son was whipping bricks across the road at him. Bratty kid. So, Hannes ignored the kid and followed his new mistress inside.
Meanwhile, Eren was whipping bricks across the road at the people who annoyed him as they passed by. His mother always told him that it was cute when he acted like that, and it was the perfect way for him to get his constant anger out. Behind him, Mikasa watched idly, making sure he didn't get into too much trouble, while Armin sat with his nose in a large book.
When Eren ran out of bricks, he looked back at his friends, the usual scowl on his face. "I'm hungry! MOM!"
His mother did not answer his screams, making him even angrier than he had been moments ago. "MOM! GOSH, ALL YOU DO IS IGNORE ME! I HATE WHEN YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME! YOU DO NOTHING!"
"Eren, you shouldn't talk about your mother like that," Mikasa muttered. "At least you still have one."
"Mikasa, I don't think she's going anywhere! Nothing bad could ever happen to my mom!" Eren ran off into the house to find his mother so she would make him food. He looked everywhere, and even tried to break into the basement for the umpteenth time, though he could never break into that room. His father kept it guarded way too well.
Finally, Eren found her in her bedroom. She was with Hannes, and doing something…weird. "MOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Carla jumped and Hannes fell off of the bed in surprise. Eren ran over and kicked the man in the stomach. "That's what you get for hurting my mom!"
"Eren!" Carla cried. "He wasn't hurting me. We were…working out together. Now, what is it you wanted?"
"I'm hungry!"
"Here." His mother handed him a coin. "Go with Mikasa and Armin to get some food, okay?"
Eren grumbled a response and kicked Hannes in the stomach again before running off to meet his friends.
"Eren, calm down," Mikasa muttered as Eren stomped through town angrily. He was causing trouble with nearly everyone they passed, and along with trying to stop her adopted brother from fighting, Mikasa had to drag Armin along. The blonde still had his nose in his book, and couldn't see where he was going, so it became Mikasa's job to do damage control.
"I'm not gonna fucking calm down!" Eren screamed, kicking a rock. "My mother was working out with that soldier Hannes and I don't like it one bit!"
"What's wrong with working out though?"
"I just don't like it!" Eren kicked a rock, which hit one of the neighborhood boys passing by.
The boy, who was known for bullying Armin, glared at Eren. Then, when he realized who Eren was with, he began laughing. "Haha! Eren, you're hanging out with two girls!"
"WHY I OUGHTA…!" Eren ran headfirst into battle, kicking and screaming. Despite his best efforts, the boy had beaten him in second, causing Eren's behind to become acquainted with the ground.
"Loser!" The boy ran off, laughing about Eren's fate.
Eren started grumbling, refusing Mikasa's hand to help him up. He stomped the rest of the way to the market, and anyone who was smart avoided him like the plague. Armin, however, wasn't so lucky at avoiding people. For one moment, Mikasa had looked away from him to check on Eren, and in that one moment, Armin had crashed into an old man. The senior's cane clattered to the ground, as he lay sprawled out on the ground in front of them.
"Watch where you're going, little girl!" he cried, shaking his fist at Armin. Mikasa offered her help and apologized, but the man just dismissed her and left them behind, grumbling about the world's youth.
Armin finally looked up from the giant book, eyes shifting from the retreating man to Mikasa. "Yeah, Mikasa, you should watch where you're going."
Mikasa sighed. She had never known Armin to be this oblivious, but she supposed that when he put his mind on a book, there was no taking him out of it. "Yeah, sure. Come on."
When she saw Eren standing at a shop, Mikasa dragged Armin toward him. Eren stood at the counter, mouth watering at the sight of a whole cooked chicken. "H-how much is that?" he asked, forgetting all of his anger as he focused on the beautiful chicken.
"For that? Five coins, kid."
"DAMMIT!" Eren kicked the counter in a rage, proceeding to trash the store. The owner began yelling at him, but Eren had already done a lot of damage. Food and other products littered the floor, and some were even ripped in half. Later, the owner would swear that he barely had time to react to the boy's rampage. Eren sure was efficient when it came to his meltdowns.
Mikasa handled the situation just as quickly, dragging Eren away from the shop as the owner screamed about the boy being banned from entering the store for life.
"Mikasa! I wanted that chicken!" Eren cried, furiously trying to escape her grasp, but the girl's grip was much too strong.
"Eren, I took care of it," his sister explained.
Eren ignored her, continuing to rant and rave. "CHEAP ASS MOM! SHE'S TOO BUSY WITH HANNES TO GIVE HER SON MONEY FOR CHICKEN!"
"Eren!"
"WHAT?!"
"I said that I took care of it." It was then that Eren realized what Mikasa was trying to show him. She lifted her shirt to reveal the chicken under it. When she lowered her shirt again, he realized that the chicken bulged out of it, making her look incredibly fat.
"You stole it?"
She shushed him, taking his hand and pulling him back toward home. Meanwhile, Armin walked forward, smiling at Eren. "Hey Eren, good job being the distraction."
Eren was about to mutter his thanks until he noticed that Armin had a protruding stomach as well. "Armin? Did you steal something too?"
"Oh! I saw some of the Garrison and was trying to hide my book about the outside world so I don't get in trouble. See!" The blonde lifted his shirt, pointing at the large book hiding there.
Eren sighed, much calmer now that he had gotten his own way. And he'd even get to keep the spare coin. Score! A voice broke him out of his newly pleasant mood, however.
"Haha! Eren, you're walking with two fat girls!" The same boy from before had decided to mess with Eren again. Sweet revenge will be mine, Eren thought, charging toward the boy ready to put up the best fight of his life.
Aaaaand…Eren failed, landing on his bottom seconds later as the boy ran off again, laughing at his fate. Mikasa helped Eren again, reassuring him that eating the chicken would make everything better as they headed toward home.
When they had gotten back to the Jaeger house, they spotted Hannes strutting away happily, positively elated. Actually, none of the children had ever seen the man in such a great mood, but they dismissed it, wandering inside to eat their chicken.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow." Eren's mother walked, or more like limped, through the house, wincing in pain with every step. "What a man he was."
"Mom? Does working out make you hurt that bad?" Eren asked curiously, munching on his chicken.
"Uh…yes, of course, sweetie!"
"But…I bet it makes you a lot stronger."
"It sure does," Carla muttered wearily.
Eren looked to his friends, a look of newfound determination set on his face. "Well, I'm gonna work out too! That way, I can get stronger and join the Scouting Legion for sure!"
"Eren! Don't do that!"
"You can't stop me, mom!" Once Eren's mind was made up, there was no changing it. Carla frowned, looking in horror at the monster she had created.
A week later, Grisha entered his home. "Honey! I'm hoooome! I didn't steal someone's identity. I didn't get a mask custom made for myself. I didn't pretend I was someone named Daz. I didn't rip off said Daz mask right before I entered the house."
"Welcome home, dear!" Carla exclaimed, kissing his cheek.
"Ah, my main bitch. It's nice to see you too." Carla was definitely better than his bitches on the side. "It's good to be back. I really missed what's in the basement…" He looked longingly at the door, deciding to interact as little as possible with his wife and son so he could get his ass back down to his amazing man cave.
"Dad! Dad! Dad!" Eren screamed, running into the room. "You'll never guess what I saw!"
"What is it, my punk ass bitch of a son?"
"I saw mom and Hannes working out together! And now I'm going to work out so I can join the Scouting Legion and be strong!"
Grisha looked to Carla, quirking an eyebrow. "Oh, really now? Why don't you explain yourself, dear?"
Carla began to stammer a response about how it was nothing of importance when Eren piped in. "They were doing pushups…on each other!" The nine year old snickered and ran off.
Grisha quickly covered up his anger with a devious smirk. "Oh, well I suppose that's okay, considering I did that with another woman. You know, in the inner walls, they say I'm like an ape in bed. I sure have dem long ass arms."
Carla's cheeks flushed with anger, and she slapped her husband before storming off, leaving Grisha alone to plot.
Bitch'll be dead in a month. With that, he entered the basement to make his newest plan a reality. Being surrounded by…dirty material sure did help one think of evil plans.
.
.
.
A month later, the Colossal and Armored Titans destroyed Wall Maria. Grisha Jaeger was conveniently off on business in the inner walls as his wife met her end by a titan's hands…er…mouth, and Hannes watched helplessly, being too much of a punk ass bitch to do anything but run away with Eren and Mikasa. Ah, yes. Revenge sure was sweet.
Just a quick note, the part where Grisha was saying he had a Daz mask is a reference to the incorrect spoiler for chapter 48 of the manga that said that Grisha pulled off a Daz mask. We found this too hilarious not to use. Also, we imply that Grisha is the Ape Titan, but this is just purely speculation on our part, and we also think it is funny.
Regardless, we hope you enjoyed this crappy thing and look out for our Free! crack fic that will be coming out shortly.
Peace, love, and science club. Sincerely yours,
Rin_Sharknado and Tears_of_Armin