I heard
that you're settled down
that you
found a girl
and you're
married now
Quinn wonders if her life would've remained the same if she had stayed in England, if she hadn't read the letter Santana sent her. She would've gone on living her life, living a lie with her husband. She would've remained heartbroken, but she wouldn't have reopened old wounds. But Santana's letter-Santana's letter with the word sorry written at the end, one word she's never heard the Latina say-she couldn't help but catch a flight to New York.
She feels as if she should feel bad for just leaving her job and her husband for a week, but she can't. Nobody would understand. John would ask where she was going, and Quinn couldn't answer with "to see my ex-girlfriend." She'd be too scared of the reaction and it would break her heart all over again. Rachel had always said that one day, one day Quinn would be brave enough to come out. But she was wrong.
So she pulls up at the building Rachel lives in with her wife, and grips the steering wheel. It's been 10 years, 10 years since Quinn Fabray last saw Rachel Berry, and the brunette still drives the blonde insane. Not in the way she used to, but in a worse way, a way that makes Quinn want to storm in to the apartment, beg Rachel for forgiveness and have sex with the smaller girl before they run away together, Quinn and Rachel, Rachel and Quinn, forever.
But she can't. She can't go through and do that to Rachel, put her through something like that. Rachel's happy. Happy in a way that Quinn could never make her.
I heard
that your dreams came true
I guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
She knew about Rachel, of course. Everyone knew about Rachel Barbara Berry, the Broadway star. Everywhere Quinn looked, she saw Rachel's face on billboards and albums and magazines and newspapers. But she never payed attention to the titles, for fear of them reading something like what Santana wrote in that letter. But she bought all of it-every album, every article. Santana would say it's stalkerish, but Quinn stopped caring what people said to her long ago. But she's still terrified of what they think about her.
Breathing in sharply, Quinn turns towards the two letters on the passenger seat, the letters stacked on top of one another. One's opened with the words Quinn Fabray written across the front, the other sealed with Rachel Berry written on it neatly. Both are tear stained, and both break Quinn's heart.
She shouldn't have been surprised. Quinn knew that a girl like Rachel Berry wasn't going to end up alone, but a part of Quinn had hoped the other girl would wait for her. It was naive of Quinn to think that, but she had always hoped. But then she had heard from Santana, who heard from Brittany, who heard from Puck that Rachel had gotten married to a girl, just a small ceremony of the two of them and their parents. Which just made everything worse, because Quinn knew Rachel Berry, and Rachel Berry would've wanted a huge wedding.
But she also heard that Rachel was happy with her wife. And that, honestly, was the worst part. Quinn knew it was selfish, but Rachel was perfect, and if she knew that the other girl was unhappy, Quinn might've fought for her. But to find out about her happiness took every last ounce of the fight Quinn had left in her.
Oh friend
why you so shy
aint like you to hold back
or hide from the light
Raising her head, she notices them. Her eyes flick to Rachel's wife first, because Quinn wants to hate her. And if she's ugly, that would make it easier. Quinn knows it's horrible, but Quinn Fabray is no Brittany Pierce. But the girl is anything but ugly. She's got caramel coloured hair, forest green eyes and lips that would've made Sam's look small. Her smile was the thing Quinn noticed the most. The smile that she herself used to have. The smile that Rachel brought to people's faces. That, in Quinn's opinion, makes the girl the prettiest.
Then she turns to face Rachel, and Quinn feels her heart break a thousand times over. She's not taller, Quinn notes, and she almost smiles to herself. Her hair is longer, but still the same Rachel Berry cut. She's wearing a blue dress with a white bow on the front. She's exactly the same Rachel Berry Quinn remembers.
Her eyes are bright, and her smile is wide and as much as it kills Quinn, that's all she really needs. As long as Rachel is happy, Quinn will leave her alone. She won't fight for the girl she came to love, as much as it pains her not to. All she ever wanted was for Rachel to be happy, and if that meant Rachel would be happier without her, Quinn would let her go. It's why she did let her go. Because Rachel deserved someone who would be proud to be her girlfriend. She deserved someone who would come out, deserved someone who love her, care for her without all the complications.
Someone who wasn't Quinn.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
but I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it
I hoped you'd see my face and be reminded
that for me
it isn't over
Quinn watches as Rachel presses a kiss to her wife's lips, watches as she laughs and wraps her arms around the other girls neck. It takes all her willpower not to burst in to tears, but Rachel might see her that way, and she can't face the girl. She wonders if it's normal for cars to hang around the front of Rachel's building, or if the two women are in their own little world, and they don't notice anything that's going on around them. Like Quinn and Rachel used to have.
She watches as the two break apart, watches as Rachel walks away, and her wife keeps waving even though Rachel can't see. She's so lovesick, just like Quinn used to be, and she knows that feeling. Because Rachel Berry is an easy person to love.
It's only when Rachel's wife stops waving and heads inside that Quinn breaks down. If it was any other time, she would scold herself for crying because she's almost thirty, but Quinn Fabray's heart has belonged to Rachel Berry since they were seventeen, and she just watched Rachel give her heart to someone else. It's like that stupid Christmas song, except it's Quinn's fault, not Rachel's.
Shaking slightly, Quinn opens her hire car door, not bothering to lock it. Who cares if it gets stolen. Her entire life is the letter clutched in her hand, the letter that she holds tightly as she opens the door, the letter that has everything that Quinn wants Rachel to hear in it. A thousand apologies, things she should've said years ago.
She reaches the letter boxes, and she traces her fingers against Roberts-Berry. Rachel's name should be first, but just because it's not doesn't mean she's unhappy, Quinn's forced to remind herself as she slides the letter in to the slot. There's no going back now, she thinks as she leaves Rachel's home and gets in the hire car, as she prepares to go back to her life as John's trophy wife.
Quinn could kid herself and say that one day she'll find her own Rachel Berry, but she knows it's a lie. There's no one like Rachel Barbara Roberts-Berry, and Quinn knows it better than anyone.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
for you too
don't forget me
I beg
I'll remember you still
sometimes it lasts in love
but sometimes it hurts instead