I thought of this story while reading Breaking Dawn, and since the book doesn't explicitly mention what went on with Edward's "bachelor party" I decided to create this extremely random and extremely enlightening look at what three vampire guys do during a bachelor party. Welcome to the mind-fuck that is "Edward Cullen's Last Night on the Town".

I do not own the Twilight Saga or any characters from it. I'm just warping them into crazy party boys and making them all OOC.

CHAPTER ONE: 12:30 – 1:30 AM

Emmett patted his brother Edward on the back as he slid nimbly out of the window of Bella's house. "Are you ready for the night of your life?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Yeah right. I was having a perfectly fine night in there."

"What exactly do you think we're going to do tonight? Listen to you play classical crap on your piano while Jasper paints a Birmingham and I do ballet? Hell to the no. We're going to binge drink! We're going to get stupid! We're going to have the time of our lives! Right, Jasper?"

Jasper slapped his brother hi-five. "Oh yeah."

"Now everyone, get into the monster truck." Emmett pointed to a huge truck in the street, which took up half of the left lane. Luckily, Forks had little to no night life, so no cars passed by the extremely large vehicle.

"Are you crazy?" Edward exclaimed. "Where exactly did you even get one of those?"

Jasper chimed in "I know a guy who knows a guy."

Edward rolled his eyes and climbed into the front seat between Emmett and Jasper.

Emmett started up the monster truck. "Where do we go for the first mission, Jasper?"

Jasper read a sentence from a notebook. "First, we drive recklessly on the interstate to Port Angeles acting drunk, but of course we're completely sober, and blast loud, obnoxious rap music from the stereo, pissing off the other drives."

Edward turned to Jasper, who was sitting on his right. "I want out."

"Oh quit being such a pussy." Emmett said, crushing two trash cans as he backed up.

Edward turned to Jasper again. "I want out. Please move."

Emmett gave Jasper a dark look. "You know what to do."

Jasper nodded solemnly.

Suddenly, Jasper had rope and a blindfold in his hand. "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you."

"Shit." Edward cursed.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Emmett and Jasper were flying down the interstate, singing along to whatever rap song came on the radio.

"Emmett, go for that car!" Jasper pointed.

Emmett steered into the lane the green car was going down. "Get off the road," They both sang along with the rap song. With a flick of the steering wheel, Emmett avoided the oncoming car and both he and Jasper yelled out the driver-side window "MOVE FOOL!" They laughed hysterically.

Edward however, was not laughing. He was now in the truck bed, hog-tied and blindfolded, rolling around with every lurch of the monster truck. That was the twelfth time they had gotten into the oncoming lane of traffic. Two times it was police cruisers they decided to play chicken with. They out-ran the cruiser every time it turned around and chased after them. "You guys are fucking retards!" He yelled at the truck's cab. But they didn't hear him because of the rap music. Edward hated rap music.

Jasper pointed to a billboard sign over near an abandoned repair garage. It read YOUR SIGN COULD BE HERE. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Emmett grinned. "Hell yes! Where's the spray paint?"

They pulled in front of the garage and pulled out two cans of red spray paint. In under a minute, they had finished. They pulled a squirming Edward out of the truck bed and took the blindfold off.

"About damn time!" Edward shouted.

"Look at the billboard sign!" They cheered. Edward saw the words JACOB BLACK IS A GAY DOG in large, red letters.

"C'mon Ed, you know that's funny." Jasper laughed.

Edward couldn't help but to smirk and say "Oh please. Give me those cans, I'll show you how it's done."

By the time Edward was finished, the sign said JACOB BLACK IS A GAY DOG-MOLESTING PORN STAR WHO LIKES IT IN THE ASS.

Emmett and Jasper were rolling around on the ground in a fit of laughter. Jasper recovered long enough to take a picture of Edward and the sign as proof of it actually happening.

"I can't believe it," Emmett shouted. "Edward Cullen has balls."

"Damn right I have balls. Now listen up," Edward said. "I'll play along for tonight, but ONLY tonight. After this, no more wild shit like what we're doing now."

"Except if you like it." Emmett pointed out.

"Especially if I like it."

"Okay guys, we need to go if we're going to make it in time to the next mission." Jasper called from the truck.

"What's the next mission?" Edward asked.

Emmett only grinned. "Bars."