Edge of the Ocean : Ode to Raijin and Fujin In the Aftermath
Part One : Counting The Seconds
The water was calm and still, lapping slowly and soothingly up against the posts that anchored the dock. Their bobbers floated on the surface, riding out the tiny waves and drifting back again. A cool, faint wind gently tousled their hair and brought the scent of salt to their noses. It was a beautiful day in breezy Balamb.
The deep orange-pink of Balamb fish scales was apparent beneath their feet. The fish came in abundance today, constantly wrapping their floppy lips around the bait that sunk the humans' bobbers. The day called for high spirits and bright smiles, finding none.
He had tried to be positive for so long to no avail, leaving him exhausted inside and out. He no longer had the energy to feign happiness. It made his heart ache and his shoulders slump heavily, to feel the overwhelming weight of her sorrow. He felt her presence wherever he went, even when she was not in his company. She was always in the back of his mind, the picture of her solemn face and deep-set frown. When she was physically near to him it only worsened. He felt her sitting behind him, leaning over the other side of the dock. As she sighed, in his mind's eye he could see her soft sad lips parting to allow the sound's escape. It drove him nearly insane.
Hearing the sighing again, he tightened his grip around his fishing pole. The bobber suddenly sunk under the surface, his line yanked. He was too lost in thought to notice and eventually the bobber stilled and floated again.
His mind was wracked with anxiety. Always he wondered, should he try to cheer her up? As he heard her groans of displeasure should he try to make her smile, should he joke and laugh? He had made the attempt so many times before only to be glared at coldly. He closed his eyes and tried to force the fog of doubt to dissipate.
Raijin opened his eyes, setting his rod down beside him as he looked over his shoulder at her. Her silver hair caught the sun's rays to cast a cheery gleam over her, a halo of light around her head which was bowed down deeply. Her fishing rod was between them, behind her, as she sat indian-style leaning out into the water, dipping her fingertips into it. She was making tiny circles with careful gyrations of her wrist.
The sleeves of her blue uniform were rolled up, the coat unbuttoned completely in the front to allow the breeze to cool her overheated body. His eyes lingered on her soft creamy skin, so fair and light. Even this much wasn't usually revealed to him and the sight of it tempted him. He had a yearning deep inside of him to reach out and touch her arms, let his hands slide down them and then take her hands. Even as her closest friend, he was never allowed to touch her.
He had thought about his yearnings for a long time and decided that though they resembled something a lover would feel that wasn't what he and Fujin were and that was something they would never be. He wanted to touch her for a different reason. He wanted to caress her not as a lover but as her companion and friend, her closest confidant. He wanted her to tell him that it was alright for him to touch her because she trusted him, because she could depend on him to make her feel warm when she allowed no one else to.
That's what he wanted. He wanted the ability to make her smile again. He wanted to bring her security and comfort where nobody else could. After all of their years spent together fighting side by side, how could she not want what he did; to be held? Why couldn't she give him any recognition for all of the things he did for her?
"Fujin...", he mumbled her name without clear purpose and after uttering it realized he had nothing to say.
She didn't turn to him, pause, or make any kind of motion to signal she had heard him. After a moment of silence, she did speak up, in a quiet but to the point tone of voice, the kind of tone only Fujin was capable of. "Raijin."
He froze, looking back down into the water. There was so much he wanted to say, but nothing he could say. No way. "The fish are comin' in fast, ya know. Maybe we should call it quits for a day. I think we have enough to share with Mama Dincht.."
Whenever Raijin, Fujin, and Seifer came to Balamb to fish they always made sure to catch a little extra to give to Zell Dincht's mother. This was Seifer's way of apologizing for his mistreatment of Zell and for the mischief they all had caused during Ultimecia's reign of terror. He was far too proud to apologize with words, after all.
Fujin shook her head slightly. In the blink of an eye she was practically statue-esque again. "Too early."
Raijin peered up at the sun. "Only about ten minutes. Its too hot to sit out here any longer, don't ya think?"
"Too early."
Raijin wiped the sweat collecting on his forehead with the back of his hand and sighed in exasperation. "We don't have room left for any fish ya know. We're better at it than Seifer. We don't need to–"
"Stop it.", she growled, pulling her hand back out of the water. She held her palm before her, watching the droplets drip back from whence they came.
Seifer wasn't exactly an expert fisherman and it was obvious he'd never learn. They'd all instated a two hour time limit for their fishing outings as a way to give Seifer enough time to catch a few. None of them could outright tell him he was terrible. They just made accommodations for his weaknesses. But Seifer wasn't with them anymore.
Everyone in Garden was expecting it. After the succession of sorceress's was left to Rinoa, Seifer lost his purpose. He was nobody's knight. With Squall heading Garden, the disciplinary committee was unnecessary. To him, the committee was something of his childhood anyway. Seifer needed to grow up and move on with his life. He needed to find his purpose. It had been two weeks since he'd left on his journey to find himself, leaving Fujin and Raijin not even a note.
The absence of their leader left a gap in their hearts. Raijin's could heal slowly but surely and he found a way to move on without Seifer barking orders; letting Fujin bark the orders. She stopped telling him what to do after a few days though. She stopped talking entirely for a little while. Seifer was responsible for the perpetual frown on her lips.
Raijin felt himself losing patience with her. He couldn't hold it all in much longer. He could see it in her eyes that she loved and longed for Seifer. He could feel her heart breaking every day a letter wouldn't come. A fire had ignited within him, a hatred for the white knight that had abandoned them.
He stood up, taking his pole and slinging it over his shoulder. He picked up their bucket, filled to the rim with fish, and started to walk back down the dock. "Well its hot out here ya know and I'm going to deliver these. You can wait ten minutes if ya wanna."
"NO!" She hopped to her feet and bolted after him. In an instant he found his path blocked by her, her hands firmly on her hips, her revealed eye narrowed. He noticed the flesh of her neck usually concealed by her collar, now open, and dully noted it. "Can't."
He cocked his head, then lowered his eyes, unable to meet her gaze. "Why Fujin?...", he said weakly.
"Eight minutes.", she reminded.
"Seifer isn't–"
"Stop!"
"Seifer isn't here Fujin!", he roared, locking eyes with her. He hadn't meant to shout. He hadn't meant to look at her the way he did. It wasn't him. It wasn't what he wanted but now that it had happened he couldn't change it, so he didn't look away again.
She stared at him, shocked by his sudden courage. Her unconcealed eye softened and her lower lip began to tremble. He couldn't believe his eyes. Something he had done was going to make Fujin cry. He was the cause of it this time. He was just as terrible as Seifer.
"I... I'm sorry, yanno, I didn't meant it..."
Her voice almost cracked as she uttered, "Seven minutes". She brushed passed him and returned to her place at the end of the dock, sitting down just as she had been before, her hand touching the water. This time though, she was fighting back tears.
Defeated, he set down his rod and the bucket, and started after her. He sat down beside her and in silence they waited seven minutes before they stood up again.
Part Two : Beacon
"Come on kids! Passed your curfew yanno! Move it!"
Raijin showed off a bit as he ushered the younger SeeD candidates out of the training center. He twirled his staff around in front of him, spinning it with a flick of his wrist and releasing it for an instant, grabbing it quickly and releasing again to keep the huge weapon moving in the air. He spun it around over his head and behind him, bringing it casually back to whirl at his side. The students wouldn't dare defy him.
Fujin stood beside him with her arms folded over her chest. She nodded and gestured to the exit with a tilt of her head. They groaned and cursed in whispers but couldn't speak up against the disciplinary committee.
The rumors had circulated around Garden that Fujin and Raijin had fought with their current leader, Squall, many times with an intent to defeat him and nearly did on many occasions. The fact that Squall and his companions always won was inconsequential. The mere act of raising a weapon against Headmaster Leonhart was enough.
Once the last student was urged out of the not so secret area of the training center, Raijin ended his weapon demonstration and allowed the staff to rest in his hand. His eyes wandered to the night sky. It was dark and empty, the stars concealed by equally invisible clouds. All around him was the sight of endless navy blue. Everything felt so hopeless under the night sky. He sensed that Fujin felt it too.
"Maybe...", he began shakily. "Seifer is looking at the same sky we are–right now. Don't ya think so Fujin?"
He received no reply. Again he had failed to lighten her mood. He turned around and started out the exit. As he walked passed Fujin he was alarmed, as she reached out and touched his shoulder. He looked at her to see her head tilted up toward the sky, seemingly unable to look away. Feeling him stop she removed her hand and he felt his emptiness grow without it.
Fujin walked deeper into the secret area, to the balcony looking over the land. She never averted her gaze from the starless sky, as if she found something there that she had been looking for. He immediately realized the effects of what he had told her. She found Seifer there. Somehow, though he supposed he'd made her feel at least a little better about it, he felt angrier.
He sunk down to the floor and dropped his staff, sitting behind her staring at her feet.
"Same sky...", she whispered and her words made him wince. She sounded entranced.
His eyes wandered up from her boots. Her clothes trapped her soft skin within them completely again. He missed the sight of it. It was a pleasant distraction. As he continued to look upward, a soft wind caused her hair to lift slightly ,barely revealing the back of her neck beneath the high collar of her jacket.
He thought she might have said something else, but he couldn't hear her. His mind had suddenly plummeted into dangerous territory. He couldn't help but wonder what Seifer and Fujin shared. There were times they spent alone. There were instances when he was not with his two best friends. What had they done without him there, he wondered. Had Seifer touched her? Had Seifer held her hand? Had he kissed her? Had he done what noone else could? What did Fujin give to Seifer? The possibilities infuriated him.
His tanned cheeks reddened and his fists clenched. Seifer took from Fujin and didn't give back. He left them both to wander as lost sheep while he found himself. He was always selfish that way and they always forgave him but at the cost of their own feelings. Here they were, paying the price for becoming his lapdogs. He never thanked them. He never apologized to them for using them in this way. They gave themselves fully to him, as if he were their God. They were given nothing to compensate for their own losses.
It was Seifer's fault Fujin would give nothing to him. It was Seifer's fault that they had lost their way. It was all his fault.
"It's all Seifer's fault and ya know it!"
Fujin's eye settled on him quickly, lips pursed. He got to his feet to be eye level with her and nodded. "I won't take it back. Ya know its true! Seifer abandoned us and now look! Look what he did to us! Look what he did to ya Fujin!"
"Seifer did not!", she declared with a firm shake of her head.
Raijin cut the distance between them boldly, as Seifer usually did when he was angry and trying to prove his point. "We followed him! We protected him yanno! What did he do for us?! He left us!"
She shook her head again. She held out her hands, palms up toward the sky. "Posse..." He opened his mouth to protest and she kicked him, the toe of her boot knocking against his ankle. "He gave. Posse. Belonging."
He rubbed his left foot against his sore ankle. "We were a posse? We didn't belong with him yanno, we belonged to him..."
She sighed, not sadly though. This was a sound she made when she was frustrated with him. "He helped. Saved us..."
Raijin forced his outbursts down. Her words seemed random to him, so utterly without meaning, as if he was missing something. His anger had blocked out so much. His love for Fujin had ruined his memories of their comradery.
The three of them, their trio, their posse, had been inseparable since Seifer arrived at Garden from the orphanage. He brought them together. Without Seifer, he would have never met Fujin. He would have never fought beside her. Without Seifer he would have never been able to demand the respect he deserved from his peers. Seifer had taught them how to be strong, how to stick up for themselves, how to rise above the rest.
"Maybe... Maybe he did.. Yanno... But its still not fair... We're still a posse. We're still a posse without him yanno!"
"Purpose?"
"We have a purpose without him. We... We..." His mind blanked.
"No purpose." Her voice was cold. She turned her back on him and stepped back onto the balcony. "Dark... Lost..."
Raijin did something then that he had never dared to before in their years of friendship. He reached out and grabbed her arm, squeezing just above her elbow, gently without intent to harm her. He felt her shiver and try to yank away but he wouldn't let her. "Maybe I... I want to be your light!"
He let her go.
Her hand found her arm and held onto it, as if wounded deeply by the gesture. She stood still and silent in shock. He thought he saw her start to shiver but it was too dark to tell for certain. She seemed afraid to turn around.
"Maybe I'm not good at it, yanno. Not as good as Seifer. But Seifer isn't here. No pretendin'. It isn't Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin. Its Fujin and Raijin. Nothin' we can do about it." He struggled to keep his voice soft. He didn't want to frighten her anymore. He just wanted her to turn around and tell him he did the right thing. He wanted reassurance. "Why can't I help you? Just for a little while, yanno? Why can't I, Fujin?
"Why can't we be Fujin and Raijin? Why can't we go fishin' for thirty minutes? Why can't you talk to me? Why won't ya let me be your posse?"
Fujin didn't move. "Go."
He felt his heart tighten in his chest, warning of an explosion soon to come. "No, Fujin."
"I don't know!"
"I know you don't know, yanno. I don't know my purpose either. But that's ok! We can find a purpose together! Seifer is out findin' his why can't we help each other find ours?"
The breeze picked up again. Her hair shifted and waved to one side of her face, an inch of her neck again revealed to him. He stepped closer to her, lifting his hand. He was uncertain. He was nervous. He was shaken and broken. He reached out to her. His fingertips brushed against her neck. He felt her tremble violently and she whirled around, his hand gripped tightly, defiance in her eyes.
"How dare you?!"
Raijin brought his hand back, looking in awe at his fingertips, basking in the brief touch. He had felt her smooth skin on his own unworthy fingers. It felt wrong to have done it without her permission, but it felt right too, because she was Fujin and he was Raijin, and that's all that should matter, at least that was what he had thought.
Raijin stole a glance at her from behind his hand. She looked ready to slap him. It didn't matter. He was too tired to hide his feelings and bite his tongue. "Did Seifer touch you?"
"N-no!", she snapped. She hugged herself, as if groping desperately in the darkness for some sense of security and finding none.
"But ya want him to Fujin. I know you do... Just one hug yanno? Just one little kiss yanno? To make things feel real. To make you feel human. To make it all feel right."
He watched as one layer of her protection broke down, a wall keeping him from her crumbling down at their feet. She nodded uneasily. "Yes... Love..."
Raijin took a deep breath. He had to struggle to keep his hands from her now. The one touch wouldn't keep him content for too long, especially when she was like this. She needed to be held. He wanted to be the one to hold her. It was time he told her. "Yanno... I love you Fujin."
Fujin gazed toward him with a sudden gentleness. She wasn't breathing, holding it in her lungs. She hugged herself tighter. He watched her feelings transform into his; a yearning for touch. She was too confused to do anything about it, something he no longer was. He wouldn't reach out to her again before she told him it was alright. He wasn't out to violate her. He wanted to comfort her.
"I know you love me Fujin. You don't know it. I know it. I know I love you. I love Seifer too. My love isn't yours though yanno. You love Seifer in a way I don't feel, in a way I don't love anyone, not even you Fujin. I love ya because you're my light and I want to be yours... Just until Seifer comes back... Yanno..."
All of his emotions poured out from his lips like water from a broken dam. He couldn't stop it once it had started, he could only try to slow his words down so they wouldn't shock his vulnerable comrade more than they already had. He studied her face as the wave washed over her and soaked into her. He knew there was possibility that he would still be rejected but he couldn't stop trying.
She finally released her breath. "Light..." Her voice was unsteady.
The darkness of that cold night seemed to wrap around her tighter, making her body appear smaller and choked by the shadow. He had to wait. He couldn't give her his hand until she told him to. He felt himself dying each second she refused.
He prayed his words would reach her in that dark place she had hidden herself in. "Let's be Fujin and Raijin. Ok? Let's find a new place and go fishing together for thirty minutes, twenty minutes, as long as we want, yanno. Let's start over together. We'll never forget Seifer but we have to start over. We're the posse now and that's alright. We've always been Fujin and Raijin. Let's embrace it yanno. Let's talk to each other. Let's rely on each other. Begin again without Seifer, just until he comes back."
Fujin hesitated then stepped a little closer to him. She stared at him bewildered, like a lost little girl in a shopping center. She was searching in his eyes. Her lips parted but no sound came out for a long time. He waited, his body stiffened and tight. She was barely a nose's length away from him. Still, he couldn't hold her.
"Take orders...", she whispered, unsure. He nodded to her. "We always... But... Seifer. Gone. Lost... Dark... Alone..."
"You're not alone Fujin..." His hand moved and hovered over her cheek. He couldn't touch her. "We're a posse yanno... We don't have to take orders to know where we're goin'. We can decide together. Or, we don't have to know where we're goin' at all. As long as we're together. We're a posse."
"Want to know..."
Raijin breathed softly. He had to consciously realize he was breathing and consciously decide to continue to do so. If he allowed himself to get too lost in his feelings he'd forget, he was certain. Now Fujin gave him this question. She had to know where they were going. She had to have a purpose. It pained her too much to be lost, to just wander without thinking. He told her he wanted to be her light, and she was waiting for him to prove it. He closed his eyes, his hand remaining so close to her cheek he could feel the warmth of it.
"We're goin' to take a break... We've been through too much yanno... We've fought too long and too hard, so we'll go to a place where we can start over and breathe again. We'll go together to some place we can call our own, as Fujin and Raijin."
"Where?", she breathed.
"Maybe we can find our place on the edge of the ocean. A place between places, yanno, water and land. The kind of place that is waiting to begin, just like us."
It was vague and he knew it, but he could give no honest decisive answer, not yet. He could only make these little promises to her. He didn't have the kind of power Seifer possessed. He could never be Seifer and he would never try to be. He was Raijin and that's what counted, no pretending he was someone else or could take anyone's place.
He felt her cheek brush against his hand and rub against it softly, like a kitten pleading silently for attention. He thought it had been his fault, that he'd stumbled or moved his hand without realizing. His eyes snapped open and he pulled his hand back quickly, apologetically, and bowed his head to express his unworthiness.
Fujin took his hand gently and drew it to her cheek. "Light..."
His eyes flickered up to hers. A smile was on her lips, faint and barely visible, but a smile, a smile only he could notice because of how well he knew her. Her eyes still held sadness, but openly. She wanted to share with him. She was allowing him to help her.
His fingertips glided over her cheek, tracing along her cheekbone. His eyes were filled with wonder, as if finally realizing that she was real and solid. He finally had proof that she existed. He marveled at the feel of her, the warmth, the fragility, which she shared with him, which she trusted him with.
His fingers slid down under her chin, curving around to her other cheek. She seemed equally fascinated, drawing nearer to him. He moved both of his hands to her shoulders and gently slid his hands down her arms as he had so many times wished to do. She seemed to relax as he continued, her self-made walls continuing to fall.
Fujin suddenly threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly as tears began trickling down her cheeks. He wrapped her up in a warm bear hug, swelling with honor that she would allow him to comfort her. He was in awe of her, of her pain and of her strength. This is the Fujin he had always known, the Fujin she had been afraid to bare to anyone.
She tilted her head up and without warning kissed him. The kiss was simple and timid as her lips brushed against his cheek. It was soft and kind, understanding. The last wall fell at their touch and their new beginning began as they drew back from each other.
Fujin was smiling at him. Raijin held his hands out in front of him, looking himself up and down. Something had happened, something greater than either of them. They both felt it, a sense of being renewed. They were the same people, yet different. Their outer shells were long gone now, in the presence of each other, never to be worn again.
Raijin stuck his hands in his back pockets and grinned, his usual goofy-looking grin. Fujin chuckled silently, a laugh only her eyes could speak of. "Never again."
Raijin laughed, looking back up at the sky. His laughter faded into the breeze. Fujin followed his gaze and together they stared above them, to the dark blue sky dotted with shining stars, the clouds blown away by the wind.
Ivy - Edge of the Ocean
There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out
and the sky is deep and blue
won't you take me there with you
Oh we can begin again
shed our skin let the sun shine in
at the edge of the ocean
we can start over again
shalalalalala...
There's a world I've always known
somewhere far away from home
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and the mystery
Oh we can begin again
shed our skin
let the sun shine in
at the edge of the ocean
we can start over again
shalalalalalala...
Oh we can begin again
Shed our skin
let the sun shine in
at the edge of the ocean
we can start over again
At the edge of the ocean
we can start over again...
shalalalalalala...