Pause
Disclaimer
I do not own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny or any of the characters. Sunrise and Bandai do.
The story is my take on Cagalli's thoughts when she removed Athrun's ring. Its set around episode 45 of GSD before the ArchAngel takes off to fight against The Destiny Plan. A one-shot.
Lying on her bed, she looked at the ring on her finger.
The ring.
The ring she had removed so unwillingly, so painfully when she had agreed to marry Yuna, the ring she had received so gratefully from Kira, the ring she had once again worn so lovingly, looked dreamily at from time to time and held to her heart with hopes of being with Athrun once again. The ring that symbolised their love and promise of a lifetime together. The ring that Athrun had given her unexpectedly, amidst blushes, uncertainty, insecurity and a world soon about to be torn apart by the ravages of war once again. The ring that Athrun had turned his face away from, when they had met in Crete, his eyes angry and hurt, shocked that it should still sit on her finger after she had thrown away what they had and almost married Yuna. The ring that he had looked at before he had said that even he could understand certain things but could not forgive them. She remembered going back to the ArchAngel that night, looking at the ring before crying her heart out in her pillow as she did not want anyone to hear her crying. Yet she had carried on wearing it. Why?
She had hoped that when the war was over, the two of them would get back together again, they would be able to forgive and forget, and work things out. She realised with a small smile now how she had unknowingly touched the ring from time to time after Athrun had been brought to the Archangel by Kisaka, praying silently for him to get better, with a nagging thought at the back of her mind… did it still mean anything?
After all, Athrun had been trying to escape ZAFT with another girl. She had never asked Athrun why he had brought her with him but he had told her she had helped him escape, someone who he barely knew had defected from ZAFT for him. And he didn't know why . She had responded that Meyrin must really be fond of him to which his response was … nothing really. He was silent. Cagalli sighed. On his part she knew, he felt nothing but gratitude and a sense of responsibility towards Meyrin. But on Meyrin's part, Cagalli knew, even if she had barely spoken with her, there were strong emotions involved. After all, for a soldier to defect from his/her army is a serious crime. She knew that; she was after all a head of state, even if she had been naive when Mwu had told her this during the last war. Well, she had known it even then, but as was typical of her, she had a tendency of not looking at things in a bigger picture.
She frowned. Hadn't she done something similar? She had left her duties and responsibilities and had gone into hiding with the ArchAngel. No, she hadn't defected from her country, her circumstances had been different. And she had still tried to do her best by reminding her countrymen of Orb's ideals, trying to prevent pointless deaths, trying, but failing until recently. No, she would not think about that, not now. Now she had to think about the present… and the future. She turned her mind back to Athrun Zala and … the ring.
Athrun Zala. How much had she really understood him? She did, to an extent. But perhaps she had become so lost in her work, trying to learn the ropes of leadership and diplomacy ( which really was hard for someone with her temperament ) that she sometimes overlooked what he must have gone through. At the time, Athrun wanting to stay on in Orb and become her bodyguard had seemed like a good idea. He had not wanted to return to the PLANTS even though he had been cleared of all charges of defection after his heroic behaviour at the Battle of Jachin Due. Becoming a body guard had been a way of fulfilling his promise to protect her. Perhaps it also gave him the opportunity to get on with life … even if it meant changing his identity. She cringed when she thought of that. Losing one's identity, becoming someone you are not, living in a new country ( on a new planet in Athrun's case) , losing your status and social standing, becoming someone without a past. What must that have been like for him? He was always so quiet and kept his worries and concerns to himself . What was it that Chairman Durandal had said ?" If the name is false does that mean the very existence is false?". Well something to that effect anyway.
She turned to her side remembering the time on the Minerva. She remembered how the ZAFT pilots had been impressed with Athrun, both his mobile suit piloting skills as well as his sharp shooting skills. He had been a hero, a legend for ZAFT soldiers. Isn't that what the Red Coat girl had said ( how didZAFT allow female pilots to wear such short skirts as part of their uniform she thought with a slight frown)? Cagalli had watched that scene at the shooting range. For a brief moment then she had pondered on whether Athrun really belonged with her in Orb. After all, he had such strong ties with ZAFT and the PLANTS.
Ties that could not be broken just by changing his name.
She remembered how his usually stoic face had briefly shone with emotion when they came in view of the landscape of PLANTS as they descended in the elevator taking them to the meeting room with Chairman Durandal. Cagalli had never been to the PLANTS herself and had found the scenery breathtaking. She had never imagined that inside those conical shaped orbital settlements , the coordinators had managed to create a place of such beauty and allure. She had stolen a sideways glance at Athrun and even through his dark shades, she could see the intense emotions his eyes held. What were those emotions? A combination of love, pride, joy and perhaps... longing?
Yes, after all that had happened, one thing she knew for sure : Athrun Zala had to become Athrun Zala once again, find his way in the world , accept the fact that though he is Patrick Zala's son, he is Athrun as well. He needed to gain pride in being himself, confront his demons about his past and find peace. He also needed to figure out where he belonged. He needed to be whole again. His torn loyalties had only led him to nearly being killed at the hands of Shinn. And importantly, after fighting in two wars, he needed to know what his role in bringing peace would be. It was a journey he simply had to undertake.
All this made her feel somewhat at peace. Until her eyes involuntarily moved to the ring again.
Where did that leave them?
She felt... she didn't know what ... very small? She had been disappointed with herself when she had agreed to the marriage but after meeting Athrun in Crete, she had just felt disgusted with herself. He had said then he could not forgive her then. When she had asked him for forgiveness in the infirmary on board the ArchAngel, had he forgiven her? She realised with a sinking feeling that he hadn't,had he? He had been quiet for a moment and then said " You did it for Orb". Well, wasn't that just another way of saying he understood why she had made the decision, words he had said to her in Crete? Did she really expect him to forgive her so easily after what she had done? During their two years together, he had been her pillar of support. She could always rely on him, turn to him for comfort, for understanding. And when he had needed to rely on her, had needed her reassurance, she had …….she didn't even want to think about what she had done. All she knew was she felt unworthy of Athrun.
She closed her eyes. She had been a failure, both in love and in her duties as Orb's leader. She had managed to regain control of Orb, thanks to Kira and the ArchAngel. The Orb military respected her and she believed the people of Orb in time would once again support her decisions. She would learn from her mistakes and never let her country down again. Once the war was over, she would re-build Orb with her people. But for now, she needed to ensure that Orb was safe from Durandal and the havoc he might unleash because of Orb's refusal to follow the Destiny Plan. And she would do that.
And what about love?
Taking a deep breath, she got up from her bed and went to her dressing table. As she sat down she looked sadly at the ring again. Athrun needed to find himself, and in a way, so did she. What was that old saying? If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, they are yours, if they don't they were never yours to begin with. Well something like that anyway. Maybe with time, she will regain her strength of purpose and character, become the determined girl Athrun had fallen in love with, maybe Athrun will be able to forgive her and accept her, maybe ……. But all that was in the future. Right now the ring had to be removed. As she closed the jewellery box and kept it in the top drawer, she smiled inwardly to herself. One day, she promised herself, she will be worthy of the ring again.
Well, that's it. This is my first ever fanfic. Please read and review. Any feedback is much appreciated. I have not come across a fanfic which attempts to go into Cagalli's thoughts before she removes her ring so hopefully there aren't any similarities between this and any other work out there. The title "Pause" refers to the break in their relationship. As you can see, despite how Cagalli feels, I have tried to make her optimistic about the future.