Kylo Ren was pacing in his quarters. His short time as Supreme Leader of the First Order had been nothing but frustration. Hux was challenging him at every turn. The pompous general was questioning every order, especially in front of the other officers. Then when Kylo was ready to Force choke him, he would turn compliant and sycophantically say the Supreme Leader must know best. Kylo knew what Hux was trying to do, the general was destroying any confidence the officers might have in their Supreme Leader. Hux was working to get them on his side, then he would mutiny. Kylo could feel it.
As Kylo was considering his next move, there was a shift in the Force.
Rey.
There she was, all warmth and Light and beauty.
"Hi," she smiled.
He felt the corners of his own mouth tilt up in an unfamiliar expression. It had been years, and now in a matter of days she had drawn two smiles from him.
What is she doing to me?
He had meditated on what she told him about Skywalker during their last discussion, but could not determine the truth of it. What would he say if she asked him about it? He knew she wouldn't let him avoid the subject forever, but he wasn't ready to talk about it. Not yet; not even with her. He decided to ask about her saber to delay the inevitable.
"Did you meditate on the crystals?"
"Yes, just like you said, but I'm having trouble building the saber."
Perfect, something easy to keep her mind off Skywalker; something he could help her with.
"Don't worry. We'll figure it out."
He tried to bury his distress under determined calm, but as always, he couldn't fool her. A tiny crease appeared between her brows.
"Ben, what's wrong?"
She always called him Ben, but he didn't mind. Not with her. There was sincere concern in her eyes and bleeding through the bond.
"Not now, okay? Let's just work on your saber. Pick up the pieces and hold them. Concentrate on them. That might allow me to take them through the bond."
Thankfully, she let it go. They worked quietly together on her saber, solving each problem as it arose. Occasionally as they worked her fingers would brush his and he'd have to repress a shiver. The first time they touched through the bond lit a fire in Kylo. He knew then that if she'd only come to him, he could find the strength to destroy Snoke. Nothing had worked out the way he planned. He still wanted more, but this quiet companionship would have to do for now.
Finally the saber hummed to life.
Purple... interesting.
He explained that the next step would be to get the other half working then build the connection so the two halves would work together. He could feel her mood shifting.
"Have you thought about what I told you about Luke?" Her expression was hopeful. "Please, Ben. Talk to me about it."
Kylo couldn't refuse her gentle entreaty. He was afraid of this memory, but he would face it, for her.
"I meditated on it, but couldn't make sense of it. It's been too long ago, and Snoke twisted the memory beyond recognition. Can...can you show me the memory, the way he showed it to you?"
He could sense her hesitation. She still didn't fully trust him. That was okay; he didn't deserve her trust.
"It's alright," he promised. "Just bring the memory to the front of your mind. Put everything else behind your mental shields. I won't be able to see anything but what you show me. And I won't push."
Rey closed her eyes in concentration. After a few moments she showed him the memory. Kylo could feel his uncle's shame and regret as though it were his own.
It's true! It's all true.
He hit his knees, shaking and gasping for breath. He had killed and hurt so many, and for what? Lies, Snoke's lies. Always telling him that his family never cared, never loved him, never wanted him. Another memory came unbidden to his mind. A gentle hand on his face. His father's hand, reaching out to tenderly caress his son's face, even though Kylo's lightsaber had just pierced his chest. There had been no anger from Han, just acceptance. That compassionate touch had torn Kylo's shredded soul further apart, and the memory of it had been eating away at the remnants ever since.
His father loved him, and Kylo had killed him. His uncle loved him, and would not have harmed him, but Kylo had nearly destroyed him. His mother loved him still. He had felt it as he flew his TIE fighter over the bridge of her ship.
"Everything I've done," he choked, "every choice I've made since...it's all been based on a lie."
He didn't want Rey to see him like this. Didn't want to feel her pity. He tried to force the bond closed.
"Ben! No!"
She knelt in front of him.
"You're not alone. You don't have to face this on your own. Let me help you. Please."
Kylo stopped trying to close the connection. He was sobbing and trembling. Rey started to reach for him slowly. He didn't have the strength to stop her. When her arms went around him he went rigid. No one had held him since he was a child. He didn't deserve this. He was unworthy of her comfort and care.
You are a monster!
Yes, I am.
It had cut when she said that, despite the truth of it. He felt that truth now more than ever. He was a weak and miserable monster. Still, she was here, and she wasn't letting go. He forced himself to relax against her.
"I'm here, Ben. I'm here. You're not alone."
Kylo drew on the Force to help regain control. He took a few moments to appreciate Rey's arms around him. They were slight, but surprisingly strong. He would have liked nothing better than to stay in her warm embrace, but he had already accepted far more from her than he deserved. He pulled away and dried his face. He couldn't look at her as he expressed his gratitude.
"Thank you."
"Are you okay?"
He was about the furthest he'd ever been from okay.
"No, I don't think I'll ever be okay."
"Of course you will. It will take time, but…"
She didn't get it. He had gone too far along this path to ever turn back. He was beyond redemption.
"Rey, you don't understand. It's too late for me."
He felt her horror through the bond.
"Ben, please! You can't..."
The connection closed and Kylo was left alone with the image of Rey's heartbroken face.
In the days that followed, Kylo meditated with greater purpose than he ever had in his life. The thought of Rey's grief when he still refused to turn back was haunting him. She was determined to put all his broken pieces back together. She thought he was worthy of redemption. He had spent so long trying to extinguish the Light inside himself, could he possibly find those tiny sparks and rekindle them? Could he be what Rey needed him to be? He wanted to, more than he'd ever wanted anything else. He had destroyed the physical mask of Kylo Ren, could he now destroy the persona entirely and allow Ben Solo to return?
His father had been right, of course. Ben Solo was never truly gone, just deeply buried under the Darkness and rage of Kylo Ren. Anakin Skywalker had cast aside Darth Vader for the sake of his son. If he could do it, so could Kylo. He would give Rey his tattered heart and see what she could make of it.
Kylo Ren sat down to meditate one last time. Hours passed unmarked. Finally, Ben Solo opened his eyes and smiled.
A/n: Don't think all the Darkness and anger inside Ben are gone. He was Dark and angry before he ever became Kylo Ren. It will just be more subdued. I hope you enjoyed this companion story to "Return to Me." I'd love to hear what you think.