Hi, I haven't published anything in a long time. I usually just like to read and I really wanted to read a fanfic centered around Linda. Imagine my dismay when I couldn't find one. Very upsetting. So this is my one shot. I have only written one other story and it is incomplete which I hate but I have to accept it ain't going to happen. Maybe this will nudge others into writing around the top. I girl can hope :D

Wandering through to the back in search of Mick and Nancy who I haven't seen for at least an hour I witness my daughter sneak out of the barrel store.

"Nance? Have you seen your father?"

"Erm… erm, he, he was outside the last time I saw him." she stuttered out.

My child doesn't stutter unless she is hiding something. Definitely lying. I watch her try to keep eye contact with me but her eyes flicker to the ground as she attempts to inconspicuously close the cellar door. They flash back up and I know she knows she isn't doing a very good job. My eyebrow raises as she moves towards me and up the stairs.

"Just getting some more Champaign mum. Dad said there was another box if we needed."

The lie would have worked if Nancy actually knew whether we were in need of more Champaign or not. Her absence was noted by both Lee and Tina too. In fact since the bride and groom disappeared and Kat's drunken performance AND baby Pearl's arrival (my hand automatically movies to my own rounding belly) the guest numbers have been whittling down. To be honest I would enjoy an early night for once. The reception is due to finish at midnight and we are only just nearing 11. Lee, Tina and Tracey should be able to manage the last hour while I give Mick a piece of my mind.

I watch her run upstairs and look back over her shoulder at me. I make a move to look as though I am going back into the bar as she rounds the corner. Instead I spin and eye the barrel store door. Something is definitely not right.

I edge forward and press my ear to the door. Nothing. I am definitely suspicious and curiosity always gets the better of me. I push down on the handle as quietly as I can and just as Nancy snuck out I am sneaking back through casting my eyes through to the bar and then up the stairs in case Nancy reappears.

I get the door closed behind me…

"Nancy!" Mick calls out in a hushed tone.

"You said you would stay with your mother while I sort this out!"

They're up to something and Mick sounds pissed. I step closer into the room and I see my husband (soon enough, I did catch the bouquet after all) and DEAN!

Coldness washes over my body. I have become familiar with this sensation. Too familiar. I want to be angry. I want to ask questions but more than anything I want to go back the way I came and not feel this. This nausea. This panic. This anxiety I suffer whenever Dean is nearby. I feel weak, I feel dirty and he isn't even conscious.

"Mick…"

"L!" He bodily turns towards me, shock covering his features. His head whips between me and an unconscious Dean. "I can explain Linda!"

"You said he had left the square! For good! But he is here! Unconscious? What did you do?" My eyes have glazed over and there is a tremor in my voice which I wish wasn't. I thought he had left the square for good. Maybe I was being naïve. Maybe I was being too optimistic but I want my life back. I want my family to be happy. I want Mick… I want Mick to lose that strained, worried look from his face when he thinks I am not looking. I look around and I can smell it. I smelt it when I first came through the door and if I am honest when speaking to Nancy too. I can smell petrol.

"Dean, I saw him out in the square but when I went to look I couldn't find him then when I got back I heard Nancy shouting for me and he had a hold of her. " This all comes out in a panicked slew of words, but there is an edge nevertheless. The tone he uses when he is insanely angry.

"Is he alive Mick?" I don't really want the answer, but I need to know.

A small bang and we both look up to see Nancy. She looks between Mick and me with tears in her eyes.

"Sorry dad, she saw me coming out. I didn't think she would come down."

"It's okay baby…" comes from Mick as "Nancy what happened" comes from me.

"I smelt something and came down here. Dean was throwing petrol over everything and grabbed me. I thought… I thought… Mum I was so scared… I shouted for Dad. He was letting me go but he was saying horrible things about you again and blaming you and dad…" Her voice is stammering the more she gets upset. I am waiting for one of them to tell me how Dean ended up lying on our cellar floor, potentially dead.

"Linda," I look up at Mick and back to Nancy, I want to hug her, I want to know what happened…

"L, baby, just go back out to the bar and let me deal with this. Take Nancy and…"

"No Mick! Is he alive?" I step passed him and crouch down between Dean and the barrels. I go to press my fingers to his neck but I don't want to touch him. I don't think I can. My skin still crawls and my hands are shaking. Mick must see my hesitation and pushes passed me, pressing his fingers to Dean's neck himself. I stand and move over to Nancy taking her hand. "Anything? Is he breathing?"

"He's still alive."

A collective sigh of relief.

"Okay. Take him upstairs. Stay with him until he wakes up. Nancy you go too. I'll be up as soon as I speak to Lee and Tina."

"What? Linda no!"

"Mum?"

"No, just do as I say. Mick, obviously whatever tactics you've been using haven't worked and I won't let you do something you'll regret. Something I am not sure we can come back from. Please…" We just look at each other, I know he wants to argue but he won't.

I turn and leave for the bar.

~EE~

I feel sick and I hesitate at the bottom of the stairs. I am about to face my demons, a monster. I keep replaying what happened over in my head and wonder if my brain rewrites a new element each time. Then I stop. It happened. I didn't lead him on. I said no over and over. I told him to stop. Motherly love cannot be misconstrued for anything romantic. HE did what he did. Something made him do it. Was it something I did? is a constant question. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

I reach the top landing and hear the hushed whispers from my husband and daughter. My rocks. My saviours. I didn't want to tell them about what Dean did. I didn't want to tell anyone. But now everyone knows. Or at least they know something. So many opinions and judgements. I said it to the sapphire police: 'It's his word against mine'. My truth vs his truth. The problem is Dean seems to believe he didn't do anything wrong. But does he know? Is he just a brilliant liar? Is he so deluded and swept away in his lie that he doesn't even know.

I push open the living room door. The rest of the family will be downstairs until the end of the party. We have at least an hour and I can see Dean beginning to stir in Stan's chair as Mick and Nancy argue on the sofa. He is in my home again. I know I told them to bring him up here but we needed privacy. This is my home and my family are here.

"Dad, Mum, he's waking up!" Nancy notices and stands not taking her eyes from her cousin, her uncle?

God what am I doing? I close my eyes and exhale. Come on Linda, you can do this. Mick is right here. Well he'll be nearby.

"Mick take Nancy and go… do something, but… stay upstairs yeah…"

"Mum!" Nancy quickly turns to face me,

"Linda, no, I am not leaving you with him."

"Just stay upstairs, it's not like he is going to do anything…" I say exasperated and trying to believe my own words. I was so close to saying 'rape me again' and it's true, he isn't, not when my family is so close and not after Mick just nearly killed him. He'd be insane to try anything. Right?! Right.

"But…"

"Mick please, trust me, I'll call if I need you." I smile. Try to look confident but the concern on Mick's face tells me I have failed.

I am watching Dean as Mick and Nancy walk passed me and out the living room closing the door behind them. He looks a little bleary eyed and starts coughing. I imagine Nancy was the one to have the common sense to have a glass of water ready.

I sit down on the sofa near the door and as far away from Dean as I can. "There's water on the stand." I hear my own voice but it is cold and distant. It doesn't sound like me. This is why I wanted Mick and Nancy out. Everything I have to say, need to say… I don't want them to suffer any more than they have already. They should never have had to suffer this at all.

"Why did you come back Dean? Mick said you were gone for good so what could possibly be the reason for you being here? Haven't you done enough, taken enough?"

He is looking at me like a lost little boy. A look I had become familiar with in the months leading up to when it happened. Well the lost look or the smug, cheeky look.

"What is going on in that head of yours Dean? I don't want you here. I don't want you anywhere near me or my family." I watch as his eyes snap up to meet mine. Is that what this was about? Family? I've wondered about a few things.

"You should be in Jail for what you…"

"Jail!? You wanted it! I didn't rape you!"

"No! No Dean I didn't! At what point did I consent to you pushing me face down on my dining room table? The table where I eat with my family, your mother and say fuck me?"

"You… you…"

"No! I said no! I told you to stop and you didn't." I feel sick. My eyes have filled with tears I cannot stop. Oh god! I hate remembering. I hate it that I can still feel him behind me and my hands pinned under me. His breath on my neck, my face. His hands pulling and pushing at my dress, my…

We are just staring at each other, glaring. I don't want to look at him, but this needs to be said.

"Linda… you… you said you loved me, you kept flirting! Always smiling! You, you…" His words make me furious. I am so angry. I what? Asked for it? Words burst from my mouth…

"Like a mother loves her child! Family love! You were Mick's nephew, similar age to my children. You were hurting and I was comforting you like Mick asked me to do. Your own mother wasn't here so…

… I love Mick, I love my children… I was comforting you because you said no one wanted you, but hugging you, saying I loved you like a mother, SMILING doesn't give you permission to take something that wasn't yours!" Oh… oh… that's it… family… mother… love.

"Mick is my life! My children are everything!" He flinches. Each time I mention Mick or my children it is a blow to his chest. Good! Sinking into the back of the chair as I move further off mine.

"Is that it Dean? Huh? You wanted something you didn't have? Couldn't have? So you thought you would take it?" My words and anger have me off my seat. I need this… the height, the emphasis.

"Mick is the only man who is allowed to touch me like that, to love me! He is the only man I have ever made loved to, been with like that and you… you took that from me, but do you know what… maybe you didn't… what Mick and I have… Our love… when he touches me I feel loved, we make love. You… what you did wasn't any of that… What you did was horrible… you are a horrible, unloved, lost little boy who wanted what he could not have, so you took it by force!"

I cannot stop the words. They are pouring out of me. All the hurt and pain. All the moments I couldn't let Mick touch me. When I flinched. When I felt panic. When I felt as though I was drowning.

"All those months since you came back to Walford… I thought you were just tactile, but then you tried to kiss me, I slapped you. You pitched my bum and it made me feel sick but I thought you were just being overly friendly. Unsure of boundaries. When you looked at me… what did you see? What Dean? Did you think I was playing hard to get? That I was…"

"I just wanted you to look at me like you look at Mick, your kids." He exclaims.

"What you have… they love you! Like really love you and you love them, why can't I have that too? Why can't…"

"You could have Dean! Your mother has been here… trying, Stan loves you. You have a mother, a grandfather and you could have had us too. An uncle, aunty, cousins and maybe, just maybe when we found out Mick was really Shirley's son, a brother. You cannot demand or force someone to love you and…

… Whatever you thought when you forced yourself on me… what were you thinking? That I would leave Mick for you?! That you could take Mick's place in my life? There is a difference between an affair and forcing yourself on someone Dean. A big difference! Do you even understand that? Do you see the difference?"

"I… I thought it was what you wanted… I thought you loved me and… I thought, I don't know what I thought. I just wanted you to love me!"

"I could have Dean, as a member of this family. Familial love. How I love my husband isn't the same love for my children or even my mother. There are different kinds of love Dean and what you want… what you need… I wasn't and would never have been in a position to give you. My heart, my body is Mick's and he is mine. You need help Dean if you cannot see the difference. You raped me! You raped me while my family was downstairs, you belong in jail, you caused me pain, you hurt me and you need to understand that. What you did is against the Law, it was abuse, sexual assault!"

"It is your word against mine Dean… how much more pain do you want to cause me? My family? If you won't confess to our family, to the police and do the time, then you need to leave Walford because I will let Mick kill you. All I want is my life back. You can do that for me… You can Dean! I deserve that for what you did! For what you keep doing. Putting me through."

Oh… Oh god… My breathing is heavy… I need this to be over. I need him to leave. To let me move on from this with my family. With Mick and my unborn baby. He is looking at me. Really looking and I hope he is understanding. Really beginning to understand what he did. He is standing up. My breath catches. He starts to move across the room. Towards me. I flinch. Take a step backwards towards the door. God my body, why can't I stand my ground here. He stops. Does he see? Has he understood?

"Linda… I, I never meant for this… I didn't… I don't… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I love you…" He keeps repeating this over and over… it has become a mantra. He sinks back into the chair and cradle his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, I love you, sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Love! You don't know the meaning of the word."

I don't want to hear this. I cannot hear this. I thought I could. I thought it would help.

"I'm sorry, sorry, sorry…"

Shut up shut up shut up. I throw open the living room door, Mick and Nancy are sitting there on the floor. Waiting. Have they been listening? The tear stains on Nancy's cheeks. The glassy, pained eyes of my life. Oh… oh… I need to not be here right now. But I don't want to go outside. My bedroom.

~~EE~~

Mick and Nancy's eyes follow Linda into the bedroom then trace back to the open living room door. To Dean who is crying… sobbing out the words sorry over and over.

"Nancy, go check on your Mum. Stay with her until I come back."

"But Dean…" A look says everything as she moves to my bedroom door and hesitates. Looking back over at me as she finally pushes the door open. I hear the faint sounds of Linda trying to supress her sobs.

"You need to leave. Get out of my house. Out of Walford. I won't tell you again. Don't ever come near my family again. Don't ever even think about my L. You take your sorry arse down those stairs and walk out those doors."

He looks up. I want to smash his face in. I want to kill him. I heard everything Linda said. Our daughter heard everything they said. He looks pathetic. He is pathetic. A pathetic, disgusting excuse for a man. Vermin. A rat.

"Mick… I…"

"Get out!" I am furious. That was louder than I meant it to be. I just want him to leave so I can go to Linda.

Dean looks passed me to the doorway. I turn to see Shirley.

"We heard shouting downstairs…"

"And what… you thought you would come up and check? Dean was just leaving"

"Dean?"

"Mum, I…" he sniffles.

"Get out, you filthy, pathetic animal."

"Mick please, I just want a quick word with him. Then he'll leave. Won't you Dean?" Shirley implores. God this is pathetic. At least she is not crying for him like last week when she thought I had hurt him.

"No! You want to talk you do it elsewhere. He is not welcome here. He raped my wife in my kitchen, in my home and all because he deluded himself into believing she loved him. That she could give him the love he wanted, needed, from you or anyone. He makes me sick. Last time…" I turn to face him "Leave!"

He walks to the door, passes his mother without looking at either of us. Lee is coming up the stairs. They pause. We all pause. Lee wants to kill him as much as I do. I watch my son's fists clench and his anger begin to build.

"Lee." I warn.

Dean carries on down the stairs as Lee continues up and nears me.

"Dad? What was he doing here? Has mum seen him? Has he said something? I'll rip his throat out!"

I turn to Shirley.

"You either go downstairs and help Tina or you leave. Your choice. But you don't ever mention his name in this house again. You never speak his name in Linda's presence and you will never defend him for what he did. Do you understand?"

Shirley nods "I'll go help Tina. Start clearing up and getting the last punters out."

She heads downstairs and I face my son with his questioning look.

"Your mother and Nancy are in our bedroom. She… Dean… Dean was downstairs in the barrel store… He was going to start a fire. Lee I wanted to kill him. I think I nearly did. He… your mother wanted to talk to him herself…. Lee… your mum…" I need to see her. My L. I rush to the bedroom as if my legs cannot carry me quickly enough. Lee follows close behind.

I open the door and there is my L and Nancy curled up on the bed. I watch as Linda's shoulders shake. Nancy is rubbing her back.

Lee enters the room and kisses his mother's cheek

"Love you mum." He moves to leave and turns to me. "I'll head back downstairs, make sure everything is fine. Tidy up. Keep everyone busy. Take care of her Dad." With that he leaves.

I close the door behind me. Kick off my shoes and curl up behind Linda on our bed. I rub my hand across Nancy's tear stained cheeks. "Go and get your mum some water please Nance" She nods, leaning into kiss her mother too and slides from our bed and room.

"It's okay baby. He's gone. It's okay" she curls tighter around herself. Sucking my arm into her fold. Only I can do is comfort her. I couldn't protect her. I didn't protect her. "it'll be okay, I promise. I promise you L."

She unfurls and turns towards me. Her eyes are pained. Her cheeks damp and pink from the crying. Hair matted to her forehead. I push it away and hold her face so she cannot pull away. She cannot hide her pain from me.

"It's going to be okay baby"

"He, he ra….raped me Mick… He didn't… How could he not know? You heard, you were listening weren't you? Nancy heard?"

I nod, of course we heard. We couldn't move too far away in case she needed me. Just in case this time I could save her. Protect her.

"He's gone this time. For good. But if he does come back… I will kill him Linda. I will make sure I crush his windpipe the next time."

She shakes her head against me "No Mick, please. I cannot lose you, not for him." Her hand falls to her stomach. "I just… I want everything to be like it was. When… I still need you to be you. You cannot become a killer. Not for this. You can't leave me Mick."

"I'm not going anywhere." I pull her tightly against me as Nancy comes back into the bedroom. "Come here Nance" Nancy climbs back onto the bed and I pull her into the hug. She rests her hand over her mother's baby bump and whispers: "I love you mum."

"I love you too" Linda turns her body to take her daughter in her arms.

We just lay there and be for a while.

"Right you two, Nancy go and get ready for bed. Linda you too. You cannot sleep in that outfit. It is scratchy and just no… no more hugging with you in that. Then back to bed. Into the bed this time."

Nancy leaves promptly. Out of the suit. It has been a long, horrible day and the smell of petrol clings to her ever so slightly. Linda is more hesitant to move so I encourage her.

"Come on L… seriously you cannot sleep in this. I'll help you." I hold my hands out for her to let me pull her up. Standing before me I run my hands over the top of the two piece. Linda raises her arms. She looks at me with such love and sadness. I have to kiss her. I peck her lips before pulling the top up and over her head. The rest of her clothing goes and I ease her nighty over her head.

"Come on baby bedtime. I'm just going to get Nancy. If she wants to stay in here tonight…" she nods. We need family close tonight. Our daughter is only 21 and today has been horrendous.

~~EE~~

I grab my makeup remover and climb into the middle of our bed, under the covers rolling my eyes. I hear Mick knock on Nancy's bedroom door as I move the pad over my face for the first swipe. My baby girl. I don't even know everything that happened. I want to protect my children from this. Shelter them from the horrors of the world. I didn't even want the kids to know any of it and now Nancy's had a front seat to the disgusting show. My free hand comes across my stomach. A constant instinctual action lately. This unborn child. How can I protect it? How can I keep it safe if… I don't want to play what ifs, but what if… Tears keep falling and I keep wiping them and my makeup away. I want to wipe this day away. Everything. I want to wipe it all away. All these months. I want to go back to how it was before.

Nancy comes around to the left of the bed, climbing underneath the covers. I want her close tonight. We both do. She may be an adult, but sometimes… Her hair is down and her face is free of the little make up she was wearing. Though that may have been washed away by her tears. Mick undresses to his boxers as Nancy's hands begin to pull the pins from my hair. He lays down in bed beside me and throws my makeup remover and used wipes to the nightstand.

"It's been a while since we've had one of our kids in bed with us, hasn't it?" I joke.

"Definitely less room than when they were little, but who knows, maybe she doesn't star fish anymore." Mick wiggles his eyebrows as Nancy smiles meekly.

"I can sleep in my own bed you know" Yes of course we know this. But I know my baby and she wants to be here as much as we want her here.

"I know you can Nance, but I want you here tonight. I want you close." I lie down on my side facing her. My back to Mick. He instinctively turns too, tucking his arm under his head to look at Nancy over me. "I love you so much and… I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from this, from today especially." I brush my hand over her cheek as I coax a smile. "I love you." Mick's hand joins mine then Nancy's on top. I smile and feel Mick kiss my neck. It'll be okay. Surely it will. I have my family here with me. Well Lee downstairs and Johnny skyped yesterday.

Mick moves his hand to my bump and starts sweeping his thumb back and forth. He's done this with all our children. Geez he does it even when there isn't a baby in there. I bend my neck back for a quick kiss, he's here beside me. Not going anywhere. Then settle back facing Nancy who's watching me intently.

"Come here." She tucks her head under my chin and I wrap my arms around her. I loved the cuddles when they were younger. When they fit perfectly against my chest. Their little arms around my neck. Their legs around my waist. When they needed me. "Close your eyes baby, go to sleep." I run my hand through her hair, up and down her back then rest it just at the nape where I know if I gently massage she'll be asleep in minutes. So I do.

"She's asleep Love." Mick whispers in my ear.

"I know." I whisper back. But I don't stop. I'm not ready. I am so tired. My eyes keep closing but I can't. I don't want to sleep yet. "Mick?"

"Yeah L?"

"I love you."

"Love you too. Both of you." His hand fully splayed protecting the baby inside me. I smile on a sigh with my eyes closed. I hear the no matter what. I feel another kiss to the back of my neck. Sleep.

Thank you for reading. I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Just remember I would prefer to be the reader too.

Any reviews would be lovely but I won't be writing again anytime soon.