Reality may actually be stranger than fiction- and great fodder for a fanfic.
Elizabeth was digging through the fridge in search of a late evening meal when she heard the front door close. Typical of her weeknights, she'd come home long after dinnertime. Jason was upstairs, supposedly working on homework, although Elizabeth suspected her youngest child was more worried about his relationship with Piper than he was about math. Henry had texted before she left the office, letting her know he'd be out running.
"Babe, you home?" Henry called from the foyer.
"In the kitchen." Good, she thought, poking half heartedly at a container with contents that resembled pasta. Maybe her sweaty husband and some bourbon could provide a nice distraction, both from the lack of food in her house and a long day at the State Department.
Henry appeared in the doorway with a box in one hand, and a handful of envelopes in the other.
"DS just released our mail," he offered. "Bills, an offer for that cruise we have so much time to take, and this package for you." Rolling his eyes, he gestured with the partially opened, very recognizable Amazon box.
Elizabeth closed the refrigerator door, abandoning her search for anything edible, even by her standards. She stepped towards Henry, intending to give her husband a kiss in greeting.
Just then, Jason walked into the kitchen. "Oh, good." He strode over to yank the box out of Henry's hands, pushing past Elizabeth in his haste. "I've been waiting for the headset I ordered for my gaming system."
"Wait, Jace, that's…" As Jason sat the package on the kitchen island to dig through it, Henry continued, "for your mom, I was going to say". He glared at his son's rudeness.
Elizabeth wasn't paying much attention to Jason, more interested in the way Henry's damp shirt was clinging to his chest.
She shook herself back to focus just as Jason pulled out the inner box. And did a double take, jaw dropping slightly.
Oh, shit.
Elizabeth jumped to snatch the contents from Jason, essentially shoving him out of her way in the process.
"Mom!" Jason exclaimed.
"I got this, Jase. Girl stuff. Not your, whatever. Go on. Just… yeah," Elizabeth stuttered.
She frantically stuffed the packaging together and thrust the box behind her back, hoping Jason hadn't seen any of the labels.
Damnit, wasn't that stuff supposed to come in blank wrapping paper? And when the hell did she order that, anyway? The thoughts skittering across her brain were smothered by her slight panic. Elizabeth was very aware of the confused stares following her as she hastily backed out of the kitchen.
"I'll just go put this upstairs." She dashed toward the stairwell, leaving her husband and son gaping at her erratic behavior.
In their bedroom, Elizabeth tossed the box on the bed and sank down next to it, embarrassment hot on her face. Well, shit. Her Diplomatic Security team scanned the McCords' mail to check for security threats. Sure, her detail was privy to their personal lives, but she and Henry usually kept their public displays of affection relatively tame. Even though they'd gotten risqué a few times, in the privacy of her SUV, Elizabeth shuddered to think her detail now had more intimate knowledge of her sex life.
Elizabeth groaned to herself at the thought of facing Matt and Frank in the morning. Awkward is the understatement of the century. She set her elbows on her knees and buried her head in her hands.
Henry cleared his voice somewhere above her. Elizabeth hadn't noticed him follow her into the room, but peered through her fingers to see his running shoes a few feet from her bare toes.
"Babe, that was really weird. What's going on?"
Elizabeth gestured with a shoulder to the box on the bed. "I can't even…I just...," she trailed off. She tunneled her fingers in her hair, causing the blonde strands to fall further over her face.
Henry took a step to the bed and squatted in front of her. He reached out, brushing her hair behind her ears so he could see the brilliant blue of her eyes. He tipped her chin up as he pulled his hand back, encouraging her to answer him. "Talk to me."
Elizabeth hesitated briefly, then asked, "Remember the other night?" Henry thought for a moment, then his hazel eyes flooded with acknowledgment.
Henry nibbled his way down the side of her neck, hitching Elizabeth's leg higher around his waist. A low moan tore from his throat as he nestled deeper into the softness of her body.
Elizabeth tilted her head to give him better access, digging her nails into his biceps and pressing her breasts into his bare chest.
Henry skimmed a hand down her ribcage, over her hip bone, reaching between her legs to stroke her.
He stilled the movement of his fingers. "Babe, are you ok?"
"Mmm…." she purred. "Don't stop. Please."
"Are you sure?"
Of course, she was sure.
"Right there." Elizabeth covered Henry's hand with her own to increase his pressure against her.
Damnit. What the hell was her body doing? Or not, in this case.
"I don't want you hurt you," Henry protested.
"You aren't," she confirmed.
"Elizabeth." Henry pulled his hand away.
Elizabeth sighed, deflated. Henry shifted slightly away from her body and propped himself on his elbows to look in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" Henry asked, concerned. His thumb grazed her jawline, fingers gently combing through her hair.
"Nothing. Really. You're doing everything right." She soothed him, fingers whisking softly over his shoulders. "I want you." Henry furrowed his brow, not convinced. Elizabeth frowned, resignedly. "I guess it's been a long week and I'm more stressed than I thought. And this cough just won't go away."
"I've had so much cold medicine I could be the poster child for Sudafed."
"Crap. The medicine," she suddenly realized. "It's supposed to dry everything out. I guess it did, not just in my lungs." Elizabeth sighed again. "The furnace isn't helping, either."
"Its ok, babe. Come on." Henry rolled to his side and pulled her into his arms. "We can just cuddle tonight."
Elizabeth felt his erection hard against her thigh, and the steady pulsing of lust in her core.
"Oh, no. We aren't stopping now. Hold on." She suddenly jerked out of his arms to rummage in her nightstand drawer.
"What are you doing?"
"Just wait. I might have…" Her hand closed around a familiar bottle. A familiar, but empty, bottle.
"Never mind." Elizabeth flopped back on the bed with a huff and stared at the ceiling.
Henry's hand slid across her belly, warm and soft. He nuzzled his nose in her hair, breath fluttering in her ear. She supposed he intended to be soothing, but she was still aroused, damnit, and frustrated her body wasn't following her brain.
On to plan B, she thought, with a sigh. At least one of us will get something good out of tonight.
She shifted to face Henry, sliding her hand down his chest to his groin, as she leaned in to kiss him.
"We'll just have to do this another way, then."
"I couldn't sleep, even after we finally managed to salvage an almost disastrous night."
Henry's lips curled in a soft smile. "It wasn't that bad," he corrected, empathetically.
"That bad?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's a ringing endorsement."
"Hey." He put his hands on her knees, patiently waiting until her eyes met his again. "It's not the first time that's happened, and it won't be the last," he reassured her, his gaze soft and loving. "I still had my wife, naked, in my arms. What more could I want?"
"So many ways to answer that," Elizabeth snorted, doubt coloring her voice.
Henry slid his hands up her thighs, massaging her muscles gently. "Next time, I'll blow your mind." He winked. "But I still don't understand the connection." He glanced at the box, confusion evident on his face.
"So, apparently I was having a Gordon Becker moment."
Henry's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What does the SecDef have to do with our sex life?"
"He doesn't. I just didn't sleep walk and steal ornaments. I ordered lube."
Henry's hands stopped rubbing her quads as his mouth dropped open. "Wait. What?" He queried, incredulously.
"I started coughing again, after we had sex, so I took some Nyquil."
Uh, oh. Henry knew how she took medicine. "Babe, you shoot that stuff like its bad tequila. I don't know how you don't overdose on it without measuring."
"Bad tequila probably would've been a better idea. Any liquor, actually. Isn't that stuff just mostly alcohol, anyway?" Elizabeth waved her hands in the air wildly. "I'll just go for bourbon, next time. Bourbon kills germs, right?"
She stopped, cutting off her rambling attempt at an explanation. Elizabeth dropped her gaze to Henry's hands on her legs, tracing her fingertips over the tendons. The sudden sense of shyness surprised her. Why did she still get embarrassed talking about sex after all these years?
Henry turned his hands over, lacing his fingers with hers. "Take a breath, babe."
Elizabeth did, and tried again. "Apparently, I was shopping online, on my phone. Right after sex. Perfect time to shop."
"If you say so." Henry's confirmation was more of a question.
"I guess I thought so. This one was rated high on Amazon. Boom. Ordered." She jerked their joined hands to emphasize her point.
Henry shook his head, as if he needed to clear it to understand what she was saying. "So, you bought sex lube on Amazon?" He asked, almost tentatively, trying to follow her train of thought.
"We needed it," Elizabeth replied, in a self-deprecating tone. "Obviously."
Henry squeezed their interlocked hands, in an attempt to alleviate his wife's anxiety. He started to speak, but she shook her head to stop him.
"Well, I didn't have my glasses on, either." Elizabeth disengaged their hands, and reached back into the box.
Taking the container from her, he goggled. "Babe, there's half a gallon, here."
"Yeah." She rolled her eyes. "All thanks to my blind Nyquil haze." Elizabeth chewed on her lip, watching Henry intently.
Henry suddenly rocked back on his heels and burst into laughter. "Well, at least you didn't text Russell or the White House," he managed to say.
Slightly relieved at his reaction, Elizabeth grinned, peals of her own laughter ringing in the air.
"Oh, believe me, I checked the next morning. Both my phone and my email. I didn't think to check Amazon. I remember now, and when Jason opened that box. But I couldn't have told you before tonight what I had done."
"All I really remember is our rather frustrating attempt at sex."
"Babe, stop." Henry's command was soft but adamant, momentarily cutting through the glee. Elizabeth shrugged, sheepishly, as if apologizing she couldn't quite get over her feeling of inadequacy.
Henry cocked his head and turned the bottle over in his hands, marveling at the concept.
"This thing is huge. It even comes with a pump, like you put in your shampoo?" He considered the possibilities. "So much for being discreet. Just don't leave it out on your nightstand."
Elizabeth nodded her agreement. "Or in the bathroom. The girls still dig through my cabinets when they run out of tampons."
Henry cringed.
"Oh, you're fine talking about sexual lubricant, but not tampons?" Elizabeth snorted.
"I want to talk about sex with you. I want to have sex with you. The rest, I'd rather just not think about," Henry clarified.
He caught her gaze again and they both burst into a fresh round of giggles.
Elizabeth collapsed into a ball on her side, her concerns temporarily forgotten in their shared hilarity at the situation. "Take my phone away next time, will you? The world should wait until morning if I'm that incoherent," she gasped through her laughter. Then she caught herself nearly sliding off the bed, and sent them both cackling again.
Henry finally gathered himself and wiped the tears from his eyes.
"Sixty-four ounces calls for a lot of sex." Henry grinned wickedly and gestured behind him towards their bathroom. "I can shower now so we can get started."
"Um, doesn't a shower kind of defeat the purpose? Won't water wash off all the lube?" Her eyebrow quirked in contemplation.
"I meant to clean up. I didn't think you wanted me like this." Henry indicated his sweaty clothes with a motion of his hand, completely unaware of the innuendo in his comment. He set the bottle next to him on the floor and moved to stand. Seeing the glint in Elizabeth's eyes, he paused and reconsidered. "Or maybe you do."
Henry reached up his arms, indicating she could grasp his hands to help him to his feet. But instead, he yanked her to the floor and rolled her body under him. Elizabeth snickered as she wrapped her arms and legs around her husband, fisting her fingers in his hair.
"We can't let your shopping spree be for naught, can we?" he decided, crushing his mouth to hers.