Trigger Warning: Drug abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, depression.

Hetalia is not mine.

When had been the last time he ate? Actually, a better question would be, when was the last time he ate without feeling guilty? Every time he looked at his stomach or his arms or his legs, any part of his body, he felt like he could throw up.

It was disgusting.

He was disgusting.

How could he, being shorter and younger than Norway, be fatter than him? How could he, allow himself to outgrow his brother, but to his sides? It was stupid. Nonsense.

It all started with one meal, he suddenly didn't want to eat it anymore when he saw Norway entering the kitchen. Walking gracefully, elegant. Skinny.

Then, it was dinner. He cut it out and decided that it would be good, not only for his appearance but for his health as well. Or that's what he tried to think. And of course it was hard, after he got out of work all he wanted was to eat and sleep. Too tired to think much about it, but also too disgusted with himself to do as his body demanded. So he resisted and slept.

That week he lost two kilos and that made him happy. He admired himself in the mirror but what made him happy earlier didn't show in his reflection. It looked as if he had gained instead of losing.

How could this be possible?

'Well, maybe if you hadn't eaten like a pig' a voice inside his head told him and then, he began skipping breakfast too.

He set up some rules for himself, such as a meal schedule, safe foods, he even began to count how many calories he ate in a day.

First, one thousand, next week he lowered it to seven hundred, the next month, he lowered it to five hundred. And then... And then he found himself just eating apples and coffee. Black coffee. Just how his graceful and elegant and skinny brother drank it.

He began to notice, changes and the mirror told him he looked skinnier but it also told him that it was not enough. Norway was even skinnier and not only him, Japan was too, and so were many other nations, many he could name that were prettier than him. So, he spent more and more hours in the gym. And would not eat afterwards.

He had already lost seven kilos. It had been slower than when he lost two, he assumed it was because he was eating way too much, but he wasn't going to change the apples yet, he had read online that they boosted his metabolism. Was that true or false? He wouldn't know, yet he kept going.

A week later he received a message from Sweden, the Nordic meeting was going to be held at his place and he wanted to remind him to come. The other Nordics would be there as well and he knew he couldn't avoid going. He didn't want them to see him just yet, he wanted to be thinner before showing up in front of them. So, for the next week, before he had to fly to the Swedish nation's house, he spent most of his days living off black coffee and diet pills. He lost another kilo and he felt like it would be good now. He felt like he could accomplish anything now.

He took a plane, ignoring the shocked faces from his own people, they stared at him with worry in their eyes and he wondered why. He didn't ask, though. When he landed, he went straight to get a taxi and asked him, with fluent Swedish, to take him to the nation's house. Once he arrived, he used the keys the other had given to him a long time before and opened the door. Apparently he was the first one to arrive, because he saw the Swedish nation vacuuming the living room.

"Hey, Sve" he said, taking his shoes off. The other turned to see him and stared at him, which wasn't weird for him, but still felt different.

"Hmm" he greeted him and turned back to keep vacuuming the room.

The Icelander went upstairs to leave his stuff in his room and decided to take his coat off. He prefered to use a light sweater, although he felt colder than usual. Still, he wasn't going to go out. He heard the main door be closed and knew that someone else had arrived too. He walked downstairs just to see the Finn taking his shoes off and the Swede saving the vacuum in the cleaning closet.

"Hey Finn" He greeted him. When the Finn looked up, all he could notice was confusion, that it then changed to worry. Again, he didn't know why and Finland being himself, wouldn't leave it without asking first.

"Hey Islanti... You look so... Different" that simple sentence, made Iceland feel almost magical, closer to perfection than ever.

"You think so? Thank you, I guess" he said, keeping his usual self, because even if he wanted to scream and jump from happiness, he still had a reputation to show.

"Yeah... Have you talked with Nor?"

"Not really, it's been like five months since I last saw him"

"I see... Well, will you help me cook something for dinner?"

Iceland could feel the nervousness rising, he was sure he could hold himself while helping the Finn cook, but he knew he'd have to eat at the dinner table or his brother would not leave him alone until he did. It worried him, he had not once gone over his limit and Denmark would always make a large dessert for everyone.

"Sure thing" he replied and walked past him, directly to the couch. That's when he heard the door again. He could feel it was his brother and he became excited to see if there was finally some similarities between his and his brother's body.

Graceful, elegant, Norway walked inside the house, greeting the Swede before he entered the kitchen. Finland waved before walking away and then, their eyes met. He smiled, barely noticeable, since his tights seemed just like Norway's. He still had to lose some fat from his arms and stomach.

"Island"

"Noregur" He replied, leaning his chin on his hand and keeping eye contact with his brother. It was something he never did, but his glare was so intense it began to intimidate him. He had never received such a look, only time, when Láki had exploded and he had to remain in bed, sick.

"You're extremely skinny" was the first thing he said, not even having a little consideration like the Finn had had.

"You think so? I've been stressed lately, maybe is that" he replied, hiding the fact that he was on a diet. He knew Norway didn't like that.

He tried to sound as confident on what he was lying as possible. Norway seemed to have his doubts, but decided not to push him yet.

"I see... " Sweden entered the room again and took the Norwegian and Finn's luggage to take it to their bedrooms.

No one said anything for half an hour, tension could be felt and it wasn't until the Dane yelled, making the others aware of his arrival, that Iceland could let himself relax. Denmark was always so talkative, that it would stop the others from glaring at him.

"Woah! Iceland what the fuck?" His ex caretaker changed his expression to a worried one, just like the other had. This made Iceland kind of happy and he was aware that it was disturbing that he, in fact, enjoyed it.

"Like I told Nore, I've been stressed out and working a lot, thank you very much" he tried to sound pissed, like his usual self. Finland seemed to accept the excuse rather fine, but the other three nations didn't. Not that he cared.

"We're just worried, Is" the Finn said, earning a shrug from the Icelandic nation. That ended the conversation and Iceland decided to play with his phone until Finland called for his help with dinner.

Iceland took out the lasagna from the oven and heard his stomach rumble. Sweden had come to the kitchen to take over the Finn's disaster and made a rather big lasagna with his help. The Finn had left the room to set the table, leaving both nations alone. Sweden didn't say anything, but Iceland could feel his gaze every time he took something for dinner.

Time passed rather quick and soon they found themselves sitting at the table, the Swedish nation putting a jar of water in the middle of the table. Everyone began to take food and putting it on their plates, time stopping when the Icelandic nation took a very small piece of lasagna and putting it on his. It was ridiculous the small amount he took, but Iceland didn't seem to notice the looks he was receiving, until the Dane spoke up.

"Is that all you're getting?" He asked, barely catching Iceland's attention.

"Já" He replied, taking his fork and taking very small pieces of the food.

He didn't really want to eat it, but his brother wouldn't let him leave the table until he ate, Norway didn't like diets and thought they were stupid.

He poured himself at least three glasses of water during dinner, feeling full just from it. When the others had finished, he still had half of the portion he had begun with and there was still some left lasagna that nobody took because it was meant for him.

Now Iceland could really feel the gazes, but he didn't care, he wasn't going to throw to the trash all that work and self control he had done during the last few months. He didn't care about the worried look he got from his brother when he put his plate on the pile, half full.

He had to admit that right now he was having a lot of self control, because Sweden's cuisine was delicious, he held himself back trying not to take back the plate and finish, not only what was on his plate but also the portion that nobody had taken. There was still the dessert, Denmark had made lime pie and he knew he'd have to eat it.

"Okay... I'll bring the pie" Denmark got up and walked to the kitchen, Finland behind him, taking all the plates and forks they had used.

Once the pie was there, Iceland already had taken his new fork, ready to take just two bites of it, but Denmark went ahead and put a really big portion of the pie on his plate, making the Icelander frown.

"That's too much, Danmark"

"Kinda thought you'd have to make it up for the little lasagna you ate" he said, giving the others more normal portions of the dessert.

Iceland sighed but decided that he might as well purge it later. He'd just have to make sure to finish quickly and excuse himself, the only problem was the chat they always had after dinner about work and how they had been. He couldn't skip that. Iceland frowned deeper when he realized he was trapped.

All the time he spent thinking, he didn't notice the concerned look from the Dane, who knew Iceland never, ever, rejected his desserts. He wondered what had happened and if he had to call his boss to see if Iceland was really under too much stress, if that was the case, he'd make sure to visit the Icelander's boss soon. But if it wasn't that... He seriously didn't want to know.

"Do you have any projects going on?" Finland asked, starting with the evening chat they always had.

"Já, a very big and important one" Iceland replied, taking a small bite of the pie.

He really thought he was going to purge it, even if he felt guilty that it was something Denmark had prepared for them, he didn't want to risk gaining back the kilo he had lost that week.

"Oh? What is it about?" Again, Finland asked, trying to erase the tension that had been on the table all dinner.

"Economy" Iceland tried to keep his answers as short and direct as possible, any small slip and Norway would know about his diet.

"I see... What about you, älsking?" Finland asked the Swede this time, who only shook his head.

It was being very difficult to start a conversation since not even Denmark was saying anything. All their attention was on Iceland and how he had pushed most of the pie aside, leaving only the frosting, which he didn't eat completely.

Iceland noticed the looks and decided to try something he saw on a website somewhere. He took a big bite of the pie and chewed, letting some frosting on his upper lip on purpose. He then took a napkins and made it seem like he was wiping it off while, with his tongue, he pushed the pie out of his mouth and into the napkin.

The others didn't notice this, though and were a little more relieved now that he had taken more pie. He did eat small bites just to not be obvious about him letting it all go into the napkins, and in the end, he had hidden all the used paper in his pocket and left the plate clean which seemed to satisfy everyone around him.