Super short, I know. Ok, I am really procrastinating right now but i hope you all like this little one shot. Its slightly more morose and deep and ties in slightly with 'Down the Rabbit Hole.' you don't have to have read DRH but it would help. Basically all you need to know is that in my train wreck version Susan was on the train and Peter saved her. Just a look into what Peter was thinking the moment the train flipped over.
PLZ REVIEW!
If your life is all you have to give, how could you not give it?
If the blood flowing through your veins and the air floating out of your mouth was all you had to give, how could you not give it?
If every smile every laugh every sob and every tear, every happy memory or good feeling, all the inside jokes and butterflies in your stomach, every feeling was all you had to give, how could you not give it?
If you, you yourself, your heart, your soul, your mind ,your blood, your fate, your trust, your life, was all you had to give, all you had to offer…how could you not give it?
How could you not give everything you had, if it was all you had left to give?
If someone you love, someone you really love needs everything you have, how could you not give it? How could you safe yours while hers was at stake? How could you keep your heart beating when letting it stop would save someone you loved? Someone you worshipped someone you admired, someone you loved unconditionally and irrevocably?
If you have only yourself and your life and your soul, how could you not give it to save theirs? Someone you love? And when you love someone, you take care of them.
When you love someone, you keep them safe. You hold her hand on the first day of school and stay up all night with her when she's sick and rip the head off of anyone who hurts her and you sing back the words in her heart when she has forgotten them herself. You let her crawl into your bed and hog all the covers when she has nightmares. You make her smile when she has tears in her eyes and you stand behind her waiting. Not waiting for her to fall but waiting to catch her. Because she is your sister and you love her.
Even if they seem to have turned to their back on you. Even if they are not the person you have always loved. Even if they are a perfect stranger living in the body of the one you love. Even if they have nothing left to give you in return because it has all been taken away from them in the cruelest way possible.
Especially if they are.
Because Susan is my sister. No matter how lost and how different and how awful she has become, she is my sister. And I love my sister. And I know that my sister, my REAL sister is in there somewhere. I know that deep inside all the forgotten memories and tears and heartache is the Gentle Queen of Narnia. I know that she loves me too. I know she hasn't forgotten. I know my Gentle Queen is in there somewhere, looking for a way to come out. I know she is better than this. Better than what she has become.
But all the lies, all the cover ups, all the yelling and screaming and fighting and hiding and crying; its not her. My sister is not the girl I saved on that train. But she is still the girl I love. And I probably didn't tell her as much as I should have in those last few months. The last few years, actually.
But as the train flipps and I can feel that I am about to die, all I am thinking about is her. And Lucy. And Edmund. The second the train started going too fast, Edmund dashed to the lavoratory to save Lu. I love them both so much and I can't even comprehend the thought of losing them. But I have to believe that they are going to be okay. I know that Edmund will save her. There is no one I trust more than my brother. And I know he will not fail Lucy.
But that split moment when I feel Susan's body slip away from mine and I can no longer feel her shaking against me, well,... nothing compares to that feeling. To be moments from death and feeling your baby sister slip right through your fingers and probably away forever...is something I would not wish on the most evil of men.
I knew I was going to die.
But i could not have cared less. All I cared about was her. She had to be safe. She had to be alright. I have failed her so many times I just could not bare the thought of disappearing when she most needed me to catch her.
She reached out for me so many times and I did not see it. Then again, i am not entirely sure she did either. And I was so angry with her. I was so...angry.
I wanted her to believe. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to live again. I wanted her to be the same person she was all those years ago, before she met Caspian.
Really I think the only one who understood her was Edmund.
I could have been. If I had tried. If only I had tried to understand how hard it was for her to remember him.
I hope its nice where she is. I hope she finds love again. i hope someone can help her to live again. I hope she learns to laugh and smile and be happy again.
i hope that some day she will be Susan. My sister. I hope that she takes the only thing I could give her and I hope she gives someone else more than I ever could.
Because I love my sister.