„Someplace nice. " Those were his last words before he left me. Standing there, alone, under the tree at the cemetery. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, where he kissed me a few seconds ago. He promised to never leave me again. But this time was different. I felt like we were both taking the wrong steps.
The funeral was really tough for both of us. Michelle hasn't been long with the FBI, but long enough to be a part of us. Not only another team member. No. More like a part of our family. It was different than the time Kim was with us. I really liked Kim, but she kind of didn't fit in, although she was there before we started working for the FBI. With Michelle I had more the feeling that our family was complete. I know she is dead, but I can't believe she is gone. Even if we didn't know her that well, I think she will always be in our hearts. Especially in Wylie's. I know that he was in love with her and finally asked her out. It kind of reminds me of Rigsby and Van Pelt, and when Wayne thought that no one would recognize his love for her. Michelle's death must be even harder for Wylie; it must have destroyed his world. It makes me really sad.
But I think that was Jane's point. He was right; it could have been me in that coffin. I could have been shot, if I would have been at my desk, when Cho was going to leave the office to search some locations for the robbers. That someone was shot at all is terrible enough, but someone very close to us is even more grievous. I think it called a part of Jane's trauma back. We both know that if he has to go through such a situation again, because of me dying, he probably wouldn't survive this time. He would never be able to recover again. It was hard for him to recover at all, since he lost Angela and Charlotte. I believe that not only his desire for revenge held him alive; I guess I had a certain impact on him as well.
When I look back at the time at the CBI, I understand that I was the only one he listened to from time to time. I was the one being able to calm him down, to keep him and his plans under control, to keep him in balance. Patrick was a mess when he came to work for the CBI. I helped him to become a human again, to live again. The team, Cho, Wayne and Grace, and I were the only persons he had. The only ones he kind of cared about. The only ones who supported him, even though it caused a lot of trouble for us. There was a lot more work for us, I had a lot of angry officials to calm down and we were suspended and almost lost our job. But it was worth it. Jane always saw more than anyone else, and he helped the relatives of the victims getting justice. Although it was very exhausting, I felt like the world would get a little bit better every time we solved a case. For him it was only a game, he loved mind-reading and being superior about anyone who challenged him. His only goal was getting closer to Red John, to get revenge and kill him. And in the end, after a long trip over years, it worked out and he killed him. He got what he deserved. But Jane changed. I thought he would come back, I thought he had a plan how he managed all this trouble he got himself into. I trusted him. But he didn't. He left.
I didn't see him for two years. I was really disappointed and broken. I didn't really know why. He told me from the beginning, that he just wanted to catch Red John, and he did so. But over the years I got the feeling that there was a strong bond between all of us. I thought he wouldn't leave after all. I thought he would come back. I was kind of mad at him. But he started to write me letters. He sent them to Sam and Pete, his carnie friends, who sent them to me. Patrick told me that he stayed at a nice place in Mexico. With a beach, lovely weather and really nice people. Someday he would show me this place, he promised. A part of me wanted to be there immediately; I realized that I missed Patrick more than I wanted to. But it was impossible. I couldn't leave my life here.
I spent my whole life chasing the bad guys, to achieve justice for the victims. Maybe because my own family had to go through a lot during my childhood. We were a wreck. I wanted to change something in the world, so I decided be a cop. A great cop. Sure, at that time I just was a sheriff and not a special agent anymore, because of the whole Red John story, but that was at least something.
And then when I thought nothing could surprise me anymore, Patrick came back. Because of him I got a job offer from the FBI. I mean, how could I've said no? I didn't really know why he came back. Yeah, of course the FBI wanted him to solve cases, but that would have never been the real reason. Jane could have easily said no. But I just accepted it as it was. Time went by and we were back in business. Until I met another agent, Agent Marcus Pike. He was a nice man and I liked him, so we started dating. It was a long time ago since I dated someone. Jane kind of began to distance himself from me. I didn't really understand. But then Marcus proposed to me, not in a very romantic way. Not in a really acceptable way at all, but he offered me a job in D.C. as well, because he would leave to work there. And when Jane really hurt me by playing his stupid tricks to kind of impress me, I was really mad at him and accepted Marcus' offer. I even sat in the plane, when Jane risked everything to confess his love to me. I was really upset. But there it was. There was the answer to his behavior. And it was also the answer to my behavior. I loved him, for a very long time. But I oppressed these feelings because I was afraid of him hurting me again and again. When I sat there in the plane I finally realized that it was not too late. I stood up, and left the plane. For him.
Since then we were a couple. And we spent most of our time together. I often spent the nights at his airstream. First I wanted to keep quiet about it and I guess only Abbott recognized, but now it is an open secret. I think the team, even Cho, knows.
But the work for the FBI got more and more dangerous, I must confess. Jane was right, but it doesn't give him the right to stop me doing my job. There has always been danger in my live. But I understand him now. I see that he couldn't handle my loss, because I'm his world. I'm…I mean everything to him. And he means everything to me. I think I couldn't handle his loss either. I realize this now.
When he said, that it didn't matter if he died because it won't hurt him, he didn't consider that it would hurt me. It would destroy anything. He is not the only one who lost his beloved people, I lost my parents at a young age and maybe that is the reason why I always understood him. And I think that I can't go through this as well. When I don't leave the FBI there are two possibilities, either he really leaves, not only the job, but me, or he keeps on putting himself in dangerous situations to keep me out of it. I can't go with any of these ideas. I can't live without him anymore but if I don't give up my job I would lose him either way. And he would lose me. We have to talk about it.
I'll quit.