I believe that I was thirteen when I finally accepted my feelings for my twin sister, Sara. What wasn't to love about her? She was cute. She was smart. She was funny. She was driven. It seemed almost unfair in my eyes that the one person that I feel head over heels for, was the one person that I could never be with.
When we were fourteen, Sara confided to me that she thought that she was gay and asked me not to tell a soul. I never did.
Over time, we grew closer and closer. She'd confide in me all of her secretes. All of her thoughts and feelings, and I did the same...save for my secrete of being in love with her.
We knew each other better then we knew ourselves, and that scared me sometimes. It scared me, because I always dreamt of the rejection Sara would give me if she looked in my eyes a bit to long and saw my more then sisterly feelings. It scared me, because I didn't want to live without. I didn't want to go a day without seeing her smile at me.
But, over time, my feelings for her grew and grew. It grew so much that it hurt. Grew so much, that every time I looked at her I wanted to kiss her on the lips and never come up for air. I knew it was only a matter of time before my feelings for her came out in the open...I remember that day like it were yesterday.
It was our eighteenth birthday and we were seniors at High School. We were walking along the beach, just the two of us. Sara was going on and on about the plans for the future and what she wanted to do. I just stared at her, smiling at everything she said. My eyes savored the sight of her in a black bikini top and swim shorts. We walked back over towards our towels, which was set up underneath the shade.
"Um, Sara?" I asked her after about a few minutes. She bookmarked her place in her book and turned her attention towards me. "Yes Tee?" She asked. My lips parted, but I found myself to scared to say anything. This was the day that I knew would change my, no OUR, lives. I told myself a month ago that I'd tell Sara how I feel. I told myself that I'd kiss her senseless and try to pour all of my love into that one kiss. I also told myself that this was the day that I'd loose Sara. But, I was ready for that...or so I thought.
She placed her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it slowly. "What is it Tee? Your shaking." She asked me, concern filling her voice. I closed my eyes and readied myself, "I Love You." I said. Silence is all I heard. I opened my eyes and saw Sara giving me a warm smile, "I love you to." She told me, clearly not understanding what I meant.
I shook my head back and forth, "No, no. I mean..I LOVE YOU." I told her. "I love you like the stars love the moon. I love you like mom loves dad. I love you so much, that all I need on a deserted island is your smile and I'd live for years." I tell her, inching my head closer to hers. "I love you more then I should. I love you like your my soul mate and not my sister." I say.
Then, without hesitation, I bring my lips onto hers and close my eyes. Her lips felt hundred times better then I ever imagined. It felt like I was floating on clouds or something. But, I didn't feel her kissing me back. I pulled away and started to get up, "I understand." I tell her, lowering my head. Just as I fully stand, she grabs my hand and brings me back down to her.
She delicately pecks my lips, then my nose and forehead.
"I love you, Tegan, like your my soul mate as well." She breathes onto my lips.
I smile at her, my signature gummy smile, and press my forehead to hers. "Happy Birthday Sara." I tell her. "Happy Birthday Tegan." She responds, wrapping her arms around my neck and bringing me down for another kiss.