First her son and now her husband. She wouldn't be surprised if the whole world suddenly turned on her in that moment.
Beth sniffled into her coat sleeve as she shuffled over the muddy ground, kicking clumps of mud off of her shoe, and tried to pull her coat tight around herself to stop the drizzle that was beginning to fall from soaking her skin. She'd left her warm parka at home, only coming out in a small jacket which wasn't at all waterproof. It was just another mistake to add to her ever growing list of failures in her life.
Feeling the cold begin to creep through the material and make her shiver, Beth was tempted to turn back and go home –back to her tea and a warm fire. But the scene from earlier was still fresh in her memory and made her carry on. Mark, with Elizabeth held up above him, grinning up at his daughter as if she was the only thing that ever mattered whilst the baby grinned down at him adoringly. She'd never smiled for her mam before. And then Mark saw her standing in the doorway and his face fell in disappointment –she'd intruded on them. They didn't want her there.
It was the same look Danny had given her the night before he died. Wanting her to leave him alone and not talk to him, not comfort him and hold him like a mother should. His rejection had deeply saddened her that night and then the next morning he was gone. Now Mark and Elizabeth were drifting away from her too.
Beth wanted her mum. She always knew what to do in these situations. She'd sit her down and hold her close, rock her as she cried even at the age she was. Then she'd tell her she'd never leave her and how much she loved her. Something she hadn't heard in a long time. I love you Beth, more than anything.
Now all she had was the half-hearted goodbyes as everyone left and she was left alone, only the ironing and the TV for company. That was her life now. Even the baby wanted Mark more than her.
Legs aching and eyes blurry with unshed tears, Beth faltered slightly and ended up slipping on the damp earth. She stumbled, arms flailing to try and get her balance and ended up falling bum first into the mud. With a stream of curses, she punched the ground before letting out a scream of frustration and then started to sob.
"Beth?" An unmistakable voice called out behind her, causing her to curl into herself more. She didn't want to acknowledge the one person she never wanted to see again right now.
"Beth, what's wrong? Are you alright?!" Ellie was closer now, hovering above her. Beth shrank back before she could reach out to her.
"Bugger off, I don't want you here!" She tried to rush off but ended up slipping again, only staying upright because Ellie had grabbed her to stop her from falling. She harshly shrugged her off.
"Get lost Ellie! I wanna be on my own okay? I don't need you, Mark, Chloe or any bugger bothering me. Do you get that?"
Ellie didn't seem fazed by being screamed at, but then again, she never had done. However many curses or derogatory words Beth threw at her, Ellie never seemed to break. It was like talking to a brick wall.
Deep down though she knew Ellie would cry once she was behind closed doors. Beth had been friends with her long enough to know that. She would go home and try to climb the stairs, only to fall down and cry into the banister. The thought made Beth wince with guilt.
"You've grazed your leg." Ellie simply stated, her expression unwavering, "I've a first aid kit back at the flat, you can get warm there before going home." Without a glance back, she walked off, heading towards her flat whilst Beth stood dumbly behind her. Confusion and annoyance was clouding her mind and she had to screw her eyes up and breathe before she screamed again. After a moment, and she put this down to feeling too tired and cold to argue, Beth wordlessly followed Ellie through the field and onto the road which led to the block of flats by the edge of Broadchurch.
"Fred's at daycare," Ellie stated as they reached the building, "I left the heating on so it should be warm enough. Not as much as the house though, the heater here's as old as my Nan." She pulled out a single key and thrust it into the rusted old Yale lock once they'd reached the door. The whole building had a slightly beaten look about it, the plaster peeling off and the windows cloudy. Beth internally sneered at the sight, so different to her freshly cleaned and ordered house. Ellie had really lowered her standards, though they were never that high in the first place what with the man she'd married.
"I could make you a cup of tea?" She was still wittering on as she pulled open another door, this time one that led into her flat. A blast of warm air hit Beth in the face and she groaned happily, her muscles and bones stirring from their frozen state.
Ellie was still looking at her, and she realized she hadn't answered her at all.
"I'll have a glass of wine if you've got any actually," the sofa embraced her as she snuggled down into it, "or a brandy."
It was as if they were old friends again, her popping round for a cheeky drink and to natter about Mark or the kids, or how there were never enough hours in the day and the ironing never seemed to go down. In reality though, she was a cold, miserable wreck and wanted nothing more than to drink herself into oblivion no matter who was in the room with her.
If Ellie had commented, she didn't hear, and wouldn't have answered anyway.
Beth sat for a few moments with her knees pulled up to her chest, head on her shoulder, watching a fly on the window buzz around for a moment before landing back on the pane. The drizzle had now turned into full on rain and was pelting the window, making the view obscured. As she stared, a large glass was pushed into her hands, breaking her out of her trance.
"Red wine was all I had," Ellie told her apologetically, "do you want to tell me what's wrong, Beth?" No. She didn't.
"I know you're going through a lot, what with having the baby and the trial, but not talking about it isn't going to make it go away. It might help-"
"What do you know?!" Beth spat out, nearly upsetting the glass in her hand, "you're not the one who's lost her son, had her husband cheat on her, and lost every bit of the life she'd fought so hard to build. You and your detective pal, running around the place as if you own it. You know nothing."
A hard glint appeared in Ellie's eyes as if Beth's icy words had left a shard stuck in her, "I know my son isn't dead Beth, but it doesn't mean I haven't lost him." Her voice wavered and she had to fight to keep it under control, "he can't stand the sight of me. And my husband? Well he's in prison, a bloody murderer. My best friend hates me, I had to leave my house and my job and now everyone who sees me looks down on me like I'm trash. All because of him, because of what HE did. You may have lost a lot Beth but believe me, you don't know what it's like to lose everything."
Ellie looked away, the tears pooling in her eyes. For so long she'd kept it together, not letting everyone's harsh words and accusatory stares affect her. But now she was tired and hurt, having been rebuked by Tom once more and had been walking home with the intention of getting royally hammered before she'd bumped into Beth.
"The first aid kit's in the bathroom." She said eventually, still refusing to look at her, "for your leg. You can leave then if you want to." She was met with silence, believing that Beth would leave without saying anything, which wouldn't surprise her. When she turned to where the other woman had been sitting however, she was shocked to see that she was still there, staring at her with an unfathomable expression on her face. God, it's as if she feels sorry for me.
Beth swallowed, looking nervous. "It…it sounds the same when you put it like that."
"We've always been the same Beth, it's what made us good friends. We had someone we could talk to when the same shit happened." Children throwing tantrums, the washing machine breaking down, the car being keyed. It all happened to the both of them and they both used to laugh or cry about it together.
No one was laughing now, or crying.
Sensing that Ellie wasn't in the mood to talk anymore, Beth set her glass down on the side table and stood up, turning to the other woman as she did so.
"I better go. Mark will be wondering where I am otherwise, and there's Elizabeth to see to." It was so easy to just walk out. Beth had become so estranged from the woman who used to be as close as a sister to her, that she barely felt anything anymore. No relationship there whatsoever.
She couldn't leave it like this though. There was a guilty feeling in her chest that would only get worse if she did.
"I…Thank you, Ellie, for fighting for us at the trial. I appreciate that you're trying to get him sent down."
Ellie looked up at her and smiled weakly, "I want to see him behind bars as much as you do. Though I don't think Tom appreciates that." In her son's mind, she should be helping him. He idolized his dad as much as any teenage boy does and couldn't believe that his hero would be capable of doing something so malicious.
"I'll have a word, if I see him." Beth was hesitating at the door now, "he might see things differently if it came from someone, well, someone who wasn't his mam." They used to have a pretty good relationship did her and Tom, back when Danny was alive. Beth was more of a cool aunt than his mother's friend and he was able to talk to her about things he didn't feel comfortable talking about with his parents. Danny was the same with Ellie. It was a sort of unspoken promise that they'd look after each other's kids.
She didn't though, did she? Look what happened.
The thought made her wince and turn away. Whether she'd known or not, Joe Miller was meant to be the one person Ellie knew best, and Beth would never understand why she hadn't spotted anything. If she'd have just looked or listened, she might have. Then Danny would still be alive.
The vengeful feeling that had been dormant this past half hour suddenly flared up, filling her with bitterness and longing. Without a word she opened the door and was about to leave, only stopping when Ellie called out to her.
"We'll get justice, Beth. I won't see him freed, I promise you that." Beth could hear the pleading tone in her ex-friend's voice and sighed. She wondered how long they'd keep up this pushing and pulling at each other before they either gave in or snapped.
Beth just wanted it to end, to go home and cuddle up with Chlo' and hear the latest gossip. To have a decent conversation with Mark and not fight with him. To hold her baby girl. To have her son back.
Misery clouding her judgement, she forgot about Ellie's pain and let the urge to hurt someone else -for them to feel hurt for a change -consume her. With bitterness in her eyes she shot back at Ellie before she could stop herself.
"Like you promised to look after my son?" One eyebrow raised, Beth watched triumphantly as Ellie's face fell. "Save your promises Miller, it's not like you'll ever do anything to help."
The slamming of the door behind her didn't faze Ellie, who sat motionless, feeling too broken to even move for the moment. Despite her usually hard exterior she allowed herself to feel the pain that Beth had caused her for a short moment, and let a single tear roll down her cheek before furiously wiping it away and stood up to collect the glasses. Putting them on the kitchen table, Ellie grabbed the bottle of wine she'd opened and took it back to the couch where she slumped down and proceeded to enter oblivion.
Meanwhile Beth –muddy and drained –was slowly treading back to her house feeling worse than she had when she'd first set out. Her instinct was begging her to go back and tell Ellie she was sorry, but she ignored it and kept on walking, focusing only on her grief and the sudden urge to be with her family.
Ellie would be fine, Beth told herself to try and ease the guilt, Hardy would look after her.
Half running, half walking, Beth dashed back over the fields, rushing so that she was not alone with her thoughts for too long. She didn't want to feel this way. It had been easier to hate Ellie than thinking about how Joe had deceived them all and how complicated everything actually was. Hating Ellie was simpler. It gave her someone to blame, someone to aim her fury at rather than having to look in the mirror and realize how bad a mother she'd been not to protect her son.
If I'd just checked on him. Just once…
Batting the thought away with a choked up sob, Beth practically dived around the corner and onto her street, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw that Chloe was home and Mark's van was still in the drive. She'd go in and hug them all, she decided, make them dinner and hug them, promising never to lose them like she had Danny.
She could hear Chlo' upstairs, music on full blast, probably dancing away. The kettle was bubbling away in the kitchen and the lilting tones of Mark's voice drifted to her as he sang to Elizabeth. She walked in slowly, careful not to disturb the innocent scene. He was by the window with the babe in his arms, rocking her gently. It was only when he stopped singing that she felt brave enough to speak.
"You haven't sang since Danny was a baby. It's nice to hear you do it again." Mark whirled round to her, surprised at seeing her behind him in the state she was. Though he didn't comment she could see him taking in her appearance, eyes lingering over the muddy jeans and the graze that was visible through the tear.
"I was wondering where you'd got to. You just dashed out."
"I needed some air." She said plainly, not wanting to speak about what had happened. Her eyes drifted to Elizabeth, softening when she took in the soft down of baby hair and rosy pink skin.
"Can I hold her?" She begged, "please Mark, let me have her."
He saw that there was something wrong, heard the urgency in her voice. He didn't argue, though. They'd argued for so long –every day in fact –and it wasn't doing them any good. He handed Elizabeth over gently, lingering long enough to tenderly brush his hand over Beth's before leaving her to have some quality time with their daughter.
Holding the baby to her chest, Beth nuzzled into Elizabeth's hair, the pain in her heart easing slightly as the baby looked up at her with such love in her eyes. It felt good to have another little person to hold close again.
Beth focused on watching the clouds travel across the sun, watching the rays appear then disappear. Right now, here with her family, was a new starting point. She wasn't okay and it would probably be a long time before she was again, but this was a start. At the weekend she'd take Chloe shopping with her, make Mark a meal for the two of them one night. She vowed to try. No more moping or running away.
She'd try, for them. If only to keep them with her, and not lose them to the darkness like she had Danny, and like she was slowly losing herself.