Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I sit here and I watch. I observe. I see the stupid little things they all do to fit in. They are "worried" about me because I'm not as concerned with doing things I don't want to do just to make other people feel better. I sit here and I watch them, and they watch me from the corner of their eyes.
I'm guarded in a low security prison. This family, that's what it's like for me...prison. The wardens yell and scream and tell me that I can do better, that I can be better, but they are wrong. The guards watch and wait and run to the wardens at the first sign of trouble. They keep hoping that I will be more like them, but they're wrong too.
I did try, for a while. I did the stupid little pretend things that are so important to this family. Every day I would force myself to be the way they wanted me to be. It made me miserable. I don't want to be that person.
When I finally stopped pretending, that's when they started hovering and circling. They say they do it because they care, because they love me. I'm not buying that. You love someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
What can we do to make it better? We will do whatever you need, except that. We won't leave you alone. We won't stop trying to make you into who we think you should be. Other than that, what can we do to help you?
Nothing. The only things that would help are the things you aren't willing to do. Leave me alone, let me be me. Stop watching. Stop yelling. Stop trying so hard to convince yourself that I'm something that I'm not.
I didn't ask to be different. My life right now would be a lot easier if I wasn't. If I hadn't been the places I've been and seen the things I've seen. I didn't ask for that.
And when I talk about those places, those things, you blow me off. You tell me it wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound, but you weren't there. Only me.
How can you possibly understand how wrong it feels to do those stupid little pretend things?
How can you understand that the simple act of being near people puts me on edge? Makes my skin crawl. Forces me to retreat into myself just to not lose it. The shrill laughs and the little bits of pretend that seep through in their actions, cause they're pretending too.
Once you get used to guarding yourself against the pretending, you can't ever be the same. It's not something that you can just turn off. When the guarding keeps you alive day after day, you cling to it. Even if you don't have to. You cling because it's safe, and it will keep you safe. Your body craves the guarding.
You can't understand this. None of you can, my perfect little pretend family. And so, I will stay in my little corner, and watch. I will watch you pretend, and if you really need me to, I'll pretend for a little while too.
I will never be the person you want me to be. Sorry I fucked up your plans for the perfect little family. You don't really love though. You only care in selfish ways, so I'm not too torn up over sitting in my corner.
Love isn't spying and watching and taking notes. It's not waiting on you to fall. It's catching you on the way down. It's giving space and knowing...just knowing that sometimes all you can do is sit in the corner with me and stop the pretending and just be.
Love is just rubbing my back and just being. It's taking out the trash for me, not reminding me to take out my own trash. It's seeing that I need to cry and just sitting there with me while I let it out, not making me spend an hour telling you why I need it.
Ha! That will never happen. So it sit in my corner. On the outside. And I look in. And some days I wish the pretending wouldn't kill me. I wish that I could sit on the inside. That I wasn't stuck in my corner.
But I am, and it sucks, and I wish I could leave, but you are my family and I can't. Cause I do believe in patting your back and taking out your trash and letting you let it out. I believe that there is nothing that you can do, no way that you can treat me that will stop me from dropping everything to get to your side when you need me.