I don't know how to explain it, Sara was just acting weird. Weirder than usual. I had gotten used to her acting like she barely knew me. Ignoring me at school and acting like we were strangers living in the same house, but I had started noticing how she had these moments with me where she would show me tenderness. I can't decide if these instances were the flash of a lighthouse in a terrible storm or just more rocky waves swaying our ship.
We had just graduated high school and were enjoying the summer of our freedom. Sunny days and humid nights of nervous yet excited energy expelling itself before the future. A few of our friends had decided to get together and enjoy the nice weather. The sky was still and the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud to be seen. It was summer tradition to hang out at the river.
I watched Jeremy's skin turn tender under the sun. I was jealous that he got to swim shirtless, feeling the sun on his chest while I suffered from the heat in my t-shirt. I had a swimming suit underneath, but was never comfortable showing off so much skin around people. I was envious, but it wouldn't stop me from having a good time. I stopped looking when Jeremy noticed I was staring, I'm not sure why. I was allowed to look at my boyfriend.
"It's freezing!" I shouted.
Jeremy laughed. "I don't know why you're surprised, the river is freezing every time."
I splashed him for the smart remark, but soon regretted my actions when he retaliated. While Jeremy and I were splashing around I noticed Sara in the corner of my eyes. She was sitting on the rocky shore, a beach towel under her, and sunglasses sliding down her nose as she read. She wore a similar swimsuit to mine which was just a one piece covered by an oversized shirt. Her girlfriend sat next to her, Rachel. I was annoyed she came along, but the only way Sara would come on these group outings anymore was if she could bring Rachel along. Not that it mattered much if Sara was there or not since all she did was sulk in the background, only talking to Rachel. Every Once in awhile she would say something to their other friends, but hardly ever to me.
"Okay fuck, this is getting old fast, why do we torture ourselves?" I asked, trying to stop my body from shivering by holding myself. I could feel my teeth clatter with each word.
Jeremy shrugged, pushing my arms away so he could rub them for me. "You have to get used to it. I'm so numb, I can't feel the cold at all," He said, though when I kicked some more water on him, he did squeal.
You don't feel the cold at all huh?" I smirked.
"My legs don't feel cold, my upper body isn't used to it!"
"Maybe we should just jump in, head too."
"No, you'll get a brain freeze."
"Come on pussy," I taunted, breaking free from his arms and walking to a deeper area, each step sunk me deeper in the freezing water. I turned back to the shore when I heard Sara's voice calling out.
"What is she saying?" I asked Jeremy.
"She's telling you not to go out so far."
"The fuck," I muttered under my breath. We go to the river all the time, I knew not to go so far, I didn't need Sara to babysit me.
"That just makes me want to go out far, just to piss her off," I said.
"Tegan," Jeremy droned, warning me not to start trouble.
"Whatever. I'm going back."
Getting back on dry land was almost colder than being in the river. The soft air I hadn't noticed before was blowing on the goosebumps covering my body. I laid down on the towel Jeremy set up to let the sun dry me off.
"Can you hand me my sunglasses?" I asked when Jeremy sat by me on his own towel. Wordlessly he dug through my backpack, when finding them he carefully set them on my face, making me laugh.
"When do you think we can start the hotdogs?" He asked one of our other friends. Everyone seemed to agree that it was lunchtime so with a peck to my cheek, he got up to help start up the small grill that was by the river.
I fought the urge to brush my kissed cheek to wipe away the feeling of Jeremy's lips and stubble. Lately his affection was difficult to process. It wasn't until recently that whatever component that made a girl and boy girlfriend and boyfriend seemed to slip away from me. Or maybe it was never there from the start and I never understood what the component was in the first place.
I liked hanging out with Jeremy, but whenever he did something that reminded me that we were not ordinary friends, but a couple, I felt disconnected from the whole thing. Maybe I was realizing we were better off as friends, but was too nervous to even bring up that idea to him. In a way I thought of our relationship as an extreme friendship. Maybe that's what dating was, but I can't say. I didn't want to potentially lose this bond with Jeremy, but didn't know if I was being dishonest by not telling him that I was struggling through the romantic and sexual parts. We hadn't had sex in awhile, I always had an excuse. It wasn't like I didn't like sex, but I just felt detached from my body, I felt all the sensations that came with fucking, but afterwards it felt like it wasn't even me who just had sex with my boyfriend. It was so hard to put in words, all these things I began worrying about were easily detected, built up in my gut, but I didn't even want to try and explain what my feelings were. Especially to Jeremy. If someone were to ask if I loved Jeremy, I feel like I would've said yes. I had plenty of affection for him, though if I was questioning myself then maybe I didn't love him in the way I thought I did. Thinking about it, I wanted to cry. If only I could snap my fingers and have all these feelings disappear before they fucked everything up.
"Hotdog?"
I looked up, surprised to be shaken out of my thoughts by Sara's voice.
"Wow, you got me a hotdog," I said, grateful. I took the paper plate from Sara, thanking her.
"Jeremy shouted 'hotdogs!' but you were like zoned out. Are you high or something?"
"I was lost in thought," I said through a mouthful of beef and bun, knowing Sara would make a grossed out face.
"Ugh. Pig."
I looked up, wondering why Sara was still there. She seemed distracted, hands crossed and looking over to Rachel. While she wasn't looking, my eyes slipped to where the large tee fell over her thighs. If I didn't already know she was wearing a swimsuit, I would of guessed that she wasn't wearing anything under the shirt. Sara was so pale that I could spot the light hair that rested above her knees. I wanted to brush my hand over the soft, barely noticeable hair, just to know what it felt like, but didn't feel like getting punched. Instead I felt my own, looking down at my lap, very aware of Sara's presence. They were so light, they looked blonde compared to the dark brown on my head. I looked back up when I noticed her taking a sip of soda.
"You didn't bring me a soda?" I complained.
Sara shook her head, letting a satisfied 'ahh' leave her mouth after her drink. "There's some over there," She pointed out.
"Yeah and then I'd have to get up."
Sara shrugged before sitting down, one knee resting on Jeremy's towel and the other in the sand close to me. "Here." She handed over the can. "Have a sip, but don't get any backwash in there."
Hesitantly, I grabbed the can. Sara hated sharing food and drink. I didn't know what was going on. Was Sara trying to butter me up for some reason? I stared oddly at her, trying to figure out if I was making a bigger deal out of this than needed, but Sara gave nothing away. "If you don't want it, just give it back," She complained.
I took a drink, the cold soda very satisfying. my eyes went to Sara again while drinking the fizzy substance, my eyes were trapped by her own. It felt like she was challenging me to look away. I wouldn't look away because Sara wouldn't look away, it felt like there was some sort of communication happening between us, but I didn't know what was being said. Neither of us broke the eye content until I handed the can back. Weird, I thought, but shook it off. As soon as Sara was given the can, she took one last sip before getting up and leaving.
Soon I was joined by Jeremy, but had a hard time paying him any attention when I was still thinking of the unusual moment that just happened between myself and Sara.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Hm? Oh, yeah. Just eating. I was fucking starving."
"What do you want to do after this?"
"What's everybody else doing after this?"
"Going home probably."
"Lame asses," I mumbled, looking over to Sara and Rachel. Sara's hair was so long and thick, just looking at it made me sweat harder under the sun. I was glad I cut my own much shorter.
"But," Jeremy said, "Tonight we're getting together again at Rachel's because she has the house to herself, so we're going to have a little get together."
"At Rachel's?" I asked, baffled. "When was this decided?"
"I mean, earlier today. She told Sara we could. It's not a big deal. Do you want to go?"
Not really, but what could I do. Would it be weird if I skipped out while everyone else went? "I guess."
"Do you want to come over to my place until tonight?"
Oh shit. I made sure to chew slowly to give me time to think of a response. Going over to Jeremy's meant sex. I really didn't want to keep turning him down, but felt it was impossible to say yes. I could make up so many excuses before he realized I just didn't want to do it. Maybe he already suspected.
"You know Jeremy, I feel like I just want to go home after this. Playing in the sun all day really wore me out, I'm gonna take a nap before the party."
"Are you sure?" He sounded so disappointed.
"Yeah sorry. Some other time yeah?" He didn't even try to persuade me.
Sara and Rachel were whispering and giggling. Touching each others shoulders, brushing their legs together. Watching my sister with her girlfriend felt like watching a clone of Sara. She was the same person, but different. I was seeing parts of Sara that I could never witness personally, only through a window. Maybe Sara felt the same way when she saw Jeremy and I together.
It was hours after the beach, hours after I had been dropped off home, but Sara went home with Rachel, as she usually did. I spent the evening writing songs, but my heart wasn't in it, too distracted by the relationship hanging over my head ready to snap. Occasionally I thought back to the beach and Sara's strange behavior. It wouldn't have been too strange years ago, but nowadays Sara seemed to want nothing to do with me. It seemed to put her out when she had to interact with me at all, but there were these moments here and there, where she showed me a glimpse of our past friendship when we used to be close. It was jarring, I felt like I was being jerked around. I didn't want to be mean to her, but when Sara acted so cold, I couldn't help but reflect that behavior back and when Sara was being nice, I didn't know how to react.
x
Tegan stopped talking, her jaw tensing, her fingernails being swallowed by her palms. She looked down at the hardwood floor, refusing to look at her mother.
"Tegan?" Sonia asked, her tone gentle. "Would you like to continue your story?"
Tegan nodded, her neck stiff. She didn't realize where her story was going, what territory it was finding itself in, she had just started where she thought everything had began, but the more she talked the more she was starting to realize why she had started her story the way she did. What that day did to her and why it was important. Could she sneak past the unsavory parts? With her mother, there was no telling. At times she could sneak in and out of the house undetected, but the moment she tried to disguise her emotions, thoughts, and feelings, her mother saw right through her. Many times she would simply observe, subtly letting her daughter know she could tell she was lying, but Tegan didn't know if this would be one of those times.
The entire time Tegan was talking, Sonia just looked at her, even when Tegan wouldn't look back, she watched every word slip through Tegan's lips. She didn't speak, except to urge Tegan on, and her voice was always professional, calm, and often soothing. It was hard for Tegan not to fall in that maternal voice, wrap it around her like a blanket and just confess everything in the most blunt way and wait for comfort and forgiveness, but realistically, no comfort or forgiveness was coming. Sara had to remind her of that before these little meetings started. So for now, she would proceed with caution, delivering every sentence with care.
"Why did you choose that day on the beach as the start? What happened?"
"I don't know. I think my brain just sees it as the starting point."
"This party. Did anything happen at the party?"
"I guess nothing really happened, but it's when I began to feel this shift around us."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, I could feel like something was changing between us. I could actually feel something changing. Whether it was her, me, both of us, i'm not sure, but I could sense it."
"Change how?"
Tegan felt air in the room tingle. She knew what her mother wanted her to say, all the specific words she wanted to hear, but Tegan would stall for as long as she was allowed. "I don't know. Sometimes we feel something happening between ourselves and another person and you can't describe what's going on." She thought of Jeremy. He must of sensed that Tegan was changing. Her heart ached for him.
"Well," Sonia leaned back in her chair, "Please continue if you can. I would like to hear a little more."
Tegan sighed before continuing.
x
The small get together obviously turned into a full blown party. Jeremy had picked me up and when we arrived at Rachel's house there were more people than expected, but as the night grew, the group kept multiplying. Friends of friends of friends filling the rooms. Everyone who walked through the front door had brought alcohol of some kind and I knew stronger substances were also coming through the door. For the most part Sara and my raving days were over. This last year of highschool had occupied us already. School, writing songs, recording album demos after winning Garage Warz. Gradually we weren't partying as hard. But, surrounded mostly by friends, in a familiar part of the neighborhood, who knew.
A good portion of the night was spent looking for Sara. Subtly, looking the room over for any sign of her while mingling with other people, Jeremy by my side. I had to wonder what she could be doing away from the party so long. She was probably hiding somewhere with Rachel. The thought disturbed me greatly, that Sara and her girlfriend could of been dry humping or worse under the same roof I was under. Not that something like that hadn't happened before, but it wasn't something I liked to think about. Jeremy and I had never done anything if I knew Sara was near. It was just wrong.
To erase these pestering thoughts I drank. Beer after beer and conversation after conversation, I seemed to have forgotten about everything I was worried about that day. My words were now loud and slurred and I just loved talking. I didn't even care who I was talking to as long as my mouth was moving in a pace where my brain struggled to keep up. I hadn't even noticed Jeremy wasn't by my side anymore and I was talking to strangers like they were old friends. I had to seek out familiar faces to share my drunken glow with and bounced from one group of friends to another until I felt somebody poke my shoulder.
"Tegan," Sara almost whispered, though it sounded crystal clear even in a room with blaring music and a crescendo of voices vibrating off of every wall.
"Oh," I blurted excitedly, finally finding Sara. "Hey you."
Sara smiled mischievously, tugging on my shirt. "Follow me," She ordered.
Not really thinking, I obeyed, following her up the stairs, my hazy eyes following the movement of her legs. She took me to one of the bedrooms, I had to guess it was Rachel's, but I didn't see Rachel anywhere. There were a group of kids all on the floor, laughing and huddled together. Sara took me by the arm and led me to the ground where we both sat cross legged.
"She has acid," Sara told me nodding over to one of the girls who waved at me when I looked over.
"Oh," I said. I had been drinking pretty heavily that night and didn't know if I was up for it, but seeing as Sara had thought of me and invited me here, I don't think I could of left.
"Do you not want to?" Sara asked. Maybe a little embarrassed that she assumed.
"No," I rushed to say. "I do, i'm just surprised," I laughed.
"Okay," She said, seeming satisfied.
The girl with the acid crawled to the middle of their little circle, a plastic bag in hand. "Alright," She murmured, pulling a sheet with lsd tabs out. "I'm going to go around," She told everyone. Poking out the tabs and instructing people to open their mouths. When she got to Sara and I, Sara looked over to me smiling before opening her mouth, letting the girl set the tab under her tongue. I stared at the sheet of acid, all the tabs had cute little pictures printed on them, reminding me of when I was a kid and teachers would put silly stickers on your tests. I opened my mouth, observing the girl who set the acid under my tongue. She was very pretty and realizing how attractive and close to me she was, my heart jumped a bit in excitement. She was gone to the next person and I was left to soothe my jittery chest and feel the acid dissolve.
I looked over to Sara again who was still looking my way. That same look from the beach. Like she was trying to tell me something.
"Where's Rachel?" I asked, not being able to handle the quiet between us.
"Went out for air," Sara said. "This isn't really her thing."
Well now I felt bad for Rachel. She probably wasn't expecting so many people over and was essentially kicked out of her room so her girlfriend could drop acid with a bunch of strangers.
"Where's Jeremy?" Sara asked.
I shrugged. "Maybe I should find him," I murmured.
"Maybe."
I left, thanking the girl for sharing. If I was going to trip I wanted to be near Jeremy. It somehow felt dangerous to be around Sara. Like being around her was enough to warp my sense of reality.
Realistically I knew the acid couldn't of kicked in yet, but by the time I came to the bottom of the stairs, my sense of perception already felt distorted and I was now seeing the party with a slightly sober mind through foggy eyes. I found Jeremy in the backyard, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, laughing amongst the group he had found himself in. I didn't feel like being around other people, I just wanted to be near Jeremy. He jumped when I hugged him from behind, my chin resting on his shoulder. He laughed in surprise.
"There you are. Where were you?"
"Oh you know," I kissed him on the cheek, his stubble tickling my lips. "Just hanging out."
Taking a quick glance around the people he was with, I could see I didn't know many of them. Most having graduated with Jeremy about a year earlier.
"Do you want to go somewhere quieter?" I asked, not fully realizing the implication behind that sentence or that it probably sounded silly considering the backyard was probably the most quiet place at the party.
He shrugged before putting out his cigarette, following me back into the house, our arms wrapped around each other. The house was now bathed in a dark glow, all sorts of different lights flashing about to give the party more 'ambiance'. I lead him to sit next to me on the couch which was mostly free.
"Are you having fun?" He asked, raising his voice against the music's bass.
I nodded. It was nice being here with him. The internal battle inside me was complicated, but somehow it was still easy just to be with him, a very comforting presence. Being around energy like that, I could only compare it the energy that Sara displayed. Confusing and often times hurtful.
"Have you noticed anything strange about Sara?"
"Sara?" He asked, sounding surprised at the topic, "No, why?"
"Don't know," I murmured, "I'm just getting this vibe from her."
"What kind of vibe?"
"Like, she's acting weird. I don't know."
He looked thoughtful for a moment, maybe thinking back to see if he could remember Sara acting weird. "I don't think she's been acting weird. To be honest, I thought maybe you were the one being weird."
"What?" I asked, panicked. "How?"
"Well," Jeremy started, looking to the living room's television, it's black screen reflecting the party. "It's like you're not really here. Like you always have something on your mind and I can never know what it is and that something is distracting you. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it feels lately."
I looked down at my lap, not knowing what to say. So he had noticed, of course he would. I had made up so many excuses in my head if he would bring something like this up, nonchalant ways of waving his concerns away, but at the moment I was speechless. Intense waves of guilt were digging a pit in my stomach. He looked concerned.
"Tegan?" He asked, "You okay?"
"Sometimes I don't know what i'm doing," I confessed.
He laughed nervously, rubbing my shoulder in a soothing manner, "That's okay, nobody knows what they're doing. Especially when they're teenagers."
"Maybe," I said, "But, sometimes it feels like I figured something out, but when I think about it, I didn't understand what I thought I did."
"I'm afraid you're not making a lot of sense. You're pretty drunk," He laughed.
Yeah I was drunk. Plus tripping. When I took a second to really think about my surroundings, I realized everything was starting to sparkle in that acid glow. The lights were warm in a cozy way, the people's chatter felt like pleasant vibrations bouncing all around myself. Jeremy's presence may have been too calming since I was confessing a lot of my inner thoughts without thinking, and just how they hardly made sense in my head, they sounded worse out loud.
I shook my head, trying to shut myself up. "Fuck," I muttered, my head falling into my hands.
"You okay? What's wrong?"
I shook my head again before looking at him. "Can we go sit in your car or something. Just to take a breather for a sec?"
"Sure." He seemed concerned as he lead me out to the front yard, his car amongst the many other cars that were surrounding the house. I sat in the passenger side, feeling like being away from the music and people lifted some pressure away from my brain. He sat behind the wheel, looking to me expectantly.
"You doing okay?"
I shook my head, feeling ready to cry.
"Why? What's wrong?" Worry could be heard in his voice.
"I think we have to break up," I confessed. It felt like yanking a bullet out of my chest.
x
"So you and Jeremy broke up? At this party?"
Tegan nodded, feeling that familiar pain in her chest remembering how Jeremy reacted when she said she didn't feel like they should be dating anymore. He was almost emotionless, like he had been preparing for something like this and when he demanded to know why, Tegan struggled to give him any answers. Deep down she knew why they couldn't be together, but wasn't ready to voice them just yet. All the time she had been planning to talk to him when she felt like she was confident in herself and the decision, but there was something about that night that pushed Tegan into urgency. Maybe she just felt like she had to end it before it went further than it already was.
This was the first time Sonia had heard of her daughter's breakup. She felt a sort of shock when hearing about it, considering he had been Tegan's longest relationship. Jeremy was around often and she had taken a liking to him, thinking of him almost like family even. It was sad, but perhaps for the best. She did not let any of these feeling show through, only allowing her calm demeanor to be displayed despite how hard she wanted to comfort her daughter.
When she asked Tegan why she had broken up with Jeremy, all she could say was, "We didn't fit together anymore." Sonia wouldn't push it.
"What happened after you broke up?"
"He got mad, I think. He left and I stayed. Told me he could drive me home, but I didn't want to go home. He told me we were going to talk again when I was sober so he would know how I really felt. I went back into the party and started feeling sick."
x
I couldn't tell what the fuck was going on. One second I feel like I'm swimming in a rainbow, the colors tickling my skin, each different prism of light shocking me with warmth, but now everything feels wrong. The lights are too much and even when I close my eyes, the flashing colors burn through my eyelids. Suddenly i'm aware of all the slick perspiration on my body, my clothes soaked with sweat. I move carefully around the house so I won't sink in them.
Looking for my sister was hard, everyone's faces were the same blurry faces. I want to shout out, but resist the urge, knowing I'd seem deranged. I feel like a pinball bouncing off from person to person.I can't tell if people are talking to me or not, everytime someone opens their mouth, I get scared they're trying to speak to me. Everyone in the room, trying to get my attention.
I spot the baggy clothes and sweater, all the familiar jewelry, the long thick brown hair before I can see my sister's face, just another blur amongst blurs. I make my way there, my eyes not being able to lift themselves away from the wide legged jeans. I'm moving, but can't tell if one foot is going in front of the other. For an absurd moment I feel like I could be floating.
"Sara?" I ask when I get in front of the figure, trying to find a face, but it's covered in all sorts of flashing colors.
"Sara?" I ask louder when the figure hasn't acknowledged me.
Hands grab me by the shoulders, somehow they feel familiar. Commanding yet apprehensive hands.
"Don't," I warn, trying to back away, but unable to get out of the grip, "I'm so sweaty right now."
I know the figure is Sara when I hear that laugh, soft and sweet. Focusing my eyes, I can see my sister's face come into view, red and sweaty, a serene smile on her face, eyes glazed over. She's probably having a better trip than I am.
"Me too," Sara says, letting go of my shoulders to dance.
I shake my head, "No," I say, "I want to go home, I'm starting to feel like shit."
It felt like I had been dancing for hours, talking to people for hours, floating around for hours. Looking down at my digital watch, it seemed only an hour had gone by since the acid. I watched my sister dance, her hair swing side to side, her body swaying to the techno like music, she didn't seem in any hurry to go and I didn't know if she was even planning on going home. I didn't want to lose her, but I felt awkward just standing still in the buzzing crowd so I leaned close to Sara. "I'm going to go sit somewhere, find me when you're ready to leave."
Before I could walk away I was pulled back, closer to her than before. She rested her hands on my back, pressing my sweaty t-shirt against my hot skin. With a closer look I could see her blown pupils, almost hidden under her eyelids and lashes.
"Why don't you ask Jeremy to take you home?"
"Drank too much," I lied, my body being swayed along with Sara. With some caution I copied her, letting my hands settle on her back. I too, could feel the heat through her shirt. It was almost like we were hugging each other, I just had to take one more great step. She was high enough that I probably could, but I wouldn't.
"How do you expect to get home then?"
"I don't know, but I have to get away."
"Why?"
"Nothing make sense here."
"Tegan," Sara sighed, "What do you mean by that?"
I shook my head. I don't know, but everything was confusing. If I had sat down right there and listed everything that didn't make sense to me, I would of listed almost the whole world, Sara and this house on the very top.
"Where's Rachel?" I felt like I was copying myself from earlier.
"Drank too much," She said without any further explanation. Now she was copying me.
"Let's go," I pleaded.
Sara shook her head, still swaying to the music, "Tegan, no. Just go if you want."
"What are you talking about? I'm not going out there by myself and i'm not leaving you here either."
"It's not that bad of a walk. Plus i'm not stopping anytime soon."
"Sara come on, it's late."
"Do what you want, but i'm staying."
With that Sara turned away to continue her swaying and head nodding. I slumped away defeated, feeling worse by the minute. I felt like I could've had a nervous breakdown any moment with all this loud noise and too much movement going around for me to process. I make my way to a wall. The plaster was actually a relief to have pressed up against my hot head. At the moment I just wanted to shave all my hair off and feel a cool breeze on my scalp.
I didn't like looking at the sea of bodies bathed in all the strobes, the more I looked the more everyone began to blend into each other, I felt like looking into a large jittery pile of black sludge. I wanted to go home. I hoped Sara wouldn't be out there for long and that she would come home tonight rather than spend the night. Every minute was dragged on. There was the option to just leave, but I was afraid of leaving by myself, not trusting myself to make it home without freaking out. I could recognize when I was having a bad trip and although I could usually handle my acid pretty well, there were times where I would experience a sensory overload and the pleasantness of my high would become vandalised with fear and anxiousness.
There was a moment where I couldn't tell if time was actually moving forward at all, making me extremely nervous. If time had stopped, than Sara would never want to go home. Not being able to handle the thought, I stormed back into the sea of dancing bodies, making my way to where I thought Sara last was.
"Sara!" I shouted desperately, grabbing her arm for attention.
Sara jerked her arm away, her easy going demeanor turning annoyed, "Jesus what?"
"We have to go."
"I told you to go if you want to."
"We Have to go. Sara, please i'm going mental in here and I can't go without you. Come on." I practically begged. I fought my instincts to drag Sara to the door.
She gave me a mean pout, before shoving past me, marching away from the dancing bodies. Sighing in relief, I quickly trailed behind, following her all the way out of the house into the summer air, still cool from the night. We didn't say goodbye to anyone, but it seemed unlikely anyone would notice or care.
I was extremely relieved to be out of the house, I felt much safer now that we were on our way home. I walked a couple steps behind Sara, watching her back. Sara walked slowly, her hands behind her as she would look around every once in awhile like she was enjoying the scenery. Not that there was much to see besides the old suburban houses and brick buildings of downtown. I could feel herself relax more now that everything was going slower.
The whole walk was quiet and I didn't want to disrupt it and upset her even more. I just idly followed like a stray puppy. Now that I was beginning to feel better, I felt guilty that I had dragged Sara out of the party. I could've probably made the trek to the house without incident, just at the time I felt like I couldn't handle much of anything. My watch read that it was around two in the morning, we usually left much later when going out.
Walking downtown, it was hard to miss the construction site, it had been there for over a year now, growing larger every time I passed by it. Nothing but a mere exo skeleton at the moment, being built from the bottom up. It towered over high, reaching out above along with all the other ascending towers of brick and cement. It was the future hotel, my father's mark on the city.
The building did have a strange sense of importance every time I saw it sticking out from the horizon. We had seen and even lived in the places my father built, but never had such a connection to the places. The houses we stayed at were empty and temporary, always abandoning one home to another like snails fleeing from shell to shell. This building was not going to be temporary. It was a personal project for dad who could see the worth in owning a hotel in this part of of the city, where there were more than enough motels and plenty of sleazy hotels where people got rooms for the hour. His vision reached higher than that and was excited to tell us of how fun it would be to spend the weekends in a large hotel with him. He had been saying this for years now.
I slowed down to take a look at the place before realizing I had completely stopped. It wasn't until I heard Sara clearing her throat that I whipped my head to see that Sara was further away on the sidewalk looking at me in annoyance. I quickly jogged to catch up, embarrassed that I got distracted.
When we made it home, I noticed Sara didn't look all that upset, but I didn't want to risk trying to talk to her just yet, she could of just been enjoying the rest of her high. We sneaked in as quietly as we could, tiptoeing up the stairs to our rooms. Sara wordlessly left me alone in the hallway, so I went to my own, closing the door and sighing in both relief and exasperation. It's okay, I thought, she'll get over it tomorrow. I didn't feet tired, but felt like I needed to sleep and turn off my brain.
I stripped, chucking the outfit in a random pile and pulled on some pajamas. A small knock caught my attention on my way to the bed. I stilled, my ears straining. Before I could chalk it up to my imagination, the door slowly opened. Sara creeped in.
"Hey," She said in the dark, watching me in the moonlit room.
"What's up?" I asked, surprised to see Sara after thinking she was in a bad mood.
"I'm not gonna be able to sleep."
I felt like I could relate, but was ready for bed anyway. I kept silent, not knowing what to say.
Sara rolled her eyes before slumping down on the bed. She bounced on the mattress looking up unexpectedly.
"I'm tired," I complained.
"You're the one who dragged me home early, you're responsible for this."
For what, I wanted to ask, but I was feeling guilty again. Sara moved to the furthest side of the bed, patting next to her before resting her head under her crossed arms. Hesitantly, I layed down. Sara was still wearing the clothes she wore earlier and I could feel the musk of the party so close. Cigarette smoke, marijuana smoke, stale beer. I wanted to find it disgusting, but somehow the smell mixed with Sara's natural smell just seemed nice. The summer air could be detected too, and I felt like I could smell that as well. These sensations felt memorable, just like most summer nights felt.
"I can't believe you were going to bed."
I shrugged, unsettled by the fact Sara was lying next to me since we were little kids. Sara was always nicer to me, more playful when drugs and a night out partying was involved. Like, she was forgetting that she was trying to put distance between herself and me or maybe she just didn't care.
"Talk to me. I'm bored," Sara murmured.
For some reason I didn't feel like talking. Feeling like I exhausted myself for the night, feeling too much emotions in such a short amount of time. I searched my head for what we used to talk about when we were little when we would sneak into each others rooms at bedtime, talking until our mother caught us.
"I wish you would just want to talk to me all the time, not just when you're bored."
I could feel Sara turn her head to watch me. When she didn't say anything, I looked. Sara was staring at me with that unreadable expression. I couldn't handle a look like that anymore and turned away to the ceiling. Great, I was being sensitive again, demanding too much of Sara. I sighed.
"Why?" Sara ask in a hushed tone.
Because I miss you, you seem like your hiding so much from me now and I thought we were friends. I don't want to be left out anymore, sometimes it hurts when I see you trying to distance yourself from me.
"Because we're sisters."
"Sisters don't always have to be best friends, you know. We're allowed to have other friends and hang out with other people. We don't have to be with each other all the time. We'll just end up annoying the crap out of eachother."
I didn't say anything.
"Tegan," Sara scolded.
"Sorry," I murmured,"Sometimes it just feels like your moving without me."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know forget it."
Maybe I was feeling too vulnerable lately, especially when it came to Sara. This used to happen all the time when we were kids, when Sara would go play with the other kids in the neighborhood and I had to wonder why I couldn't hold Sara's attention. The memory that comes to mind being the mutual friend of ours when we were five or six.
I couldn't find it in myself to be jealous. I liked Christina, I liked her so much, my heart felt like it would break through my small body when the other girl was near. But, I suspected Christina liked Sara a little more and I had known Sara was arguably in love with Christina, or whatever the equivalent of five year old love is. Christina was always playing house with the us, it was almost like a polyamorous relationship. Christina the wife, Sara and I the husbands, it was funny to think about that now. But when Christina and Sara would go on their little walks, go play with each other just the two of them, Sara still the husband and Christina still the wife, it wasn't playing, not in the sense that it was when I was involved.
I wasn't jealous, but happy that we had shared this crush together. I didn't mind if they went and had their own 'relationship' their own little 'love' away from myself, as long as they came back so I could be part of it too every once and awhile. I remember when all three of us would lie in bed together, Christina in the middle with her two husbands embracing her from either side. Maybe this crush was so precious because Sara was there with me. I couldn't say. I didn't even know why I was thinking about it. Recently it felt like Sara was too protective of her friendships that I wasn't apart of.
"Remember Christina Simpson?" I asked. I could hear Sara nod against the sheets. "Was she your first crush?"
"Maybe."
I looked to Sara again, who was still watching me.
"Maybe? Who else could it have been?"
"I don't know," Sara murmured, "I guess she was the first one I remember."
I rolled her eyes. "Then she was your first crush."
"I feel like there was someone else before her, but I can't remember. Time is too bendy." Sara said, her face scrunched up as she racked her memories. I laughed at the absurd statement.
"She was yours too right?"
The question had been brought up before when we were much younger, but I could easily say I had just been tagging along with Christina and Sara. It was just playing, no big deal. That was when I had trouble deciphering all these feelings. I still had trouble, but the least I could admit was that I had felt feelings bordering on love for my old best friend, the kind of love that goes beyond friendship. Now that Sara was asking me about it again, despite my protests in the past, that meant she didn't believe me when I denied it.
When I didn't answer, Sara said, "You were her husband too. Remember?"
"That doesn't mean anything," I muttered, "You were her husband too. Wouldn't that mean we were also married?"
Sara laughed quietly. "We didn't give each other goodbye kisses before going to the office."
"That's true. I guess we were like her sister 'husbands'." That made Sara laugh louder. It was infectious and I broke out into a grin.
"I guess we don't have to worry about dating the same people anymore," Sara said thoughtfully.
"I guess not."
Just when I thought Sara had forgotten about the topic altogether she asked, "Who was your first crush then?"
I couldn't answer truthfully. All my thoughts couldn't budge from the memory of Sara and myself in bed with Christina, the perfect little family. I told her the random name of one of the guys I ever 'dated' around elementary school. Sara sighed, rolling over to look at the ceiling again, obviously not believing me. I didn't have it in me to defend myself.
"I'm tired. You should go so I can sleep." It wasn't true, but I couldn't stand the tense atmosphere. I felt like I was in trouble somehow.
Without complaint Sara jumped off the bed and made her way to the door blowing her breath, "Whatever." And stormed out the door in a way similar to how she stormed out of the party.
Thanks for taking some time to read this fic. I rewrote it a few times before deciding to finally post it. I figured the quincest fandom would appreciate some new content. I'd be happy to read some reviews. This will be an ongoing story, let me know if this chapter was too long. Next chapter shouldn't be too long.