"Hey… Hey, Marco? Marco?"
"Eh? Uh, polo?" Marco stirred from his thoughts, unaware that Jean had been talking to him.
"Damn it, Marco, you've been spacing out a lot lately. I said, I finally asked Mikasa out."
"O-oh… Uhm, congrats, I guess. What did she say?" Marco quickly masked the sound of hurt in his voice with a question, already knowing the answer.
Who could deny anyone as perfect as Jean?
"She said yes!" Jean shot his fist into the air.
Marco clenched his fists. He never actually intended to be right. Telling himself to ignore the painful ache in his chest, he forced a smile, "That's great."
"Well I uh, better go get ready for our date later."
Date. The word sent a wave of distaste to Marco's mouth, as much as he knew he should be happy for Jean. Date, Jean, Mikasa. Those three words did not sit well with him. But at the same time, the sense of loss he felt confused him as one could not lose something they never had in the first place.
"Date? I don't think anywhere in the camp is particularly good date-material."
"Yeah I know, but we're not too picky. But I'm gonna go now. Bye, Marco."
I love it when he says my name.
"Bye, Jean."
Things had always been that way. Marco constantly chased after Jean, but when the time came for him to actually grab him, he chickened out, fearing to lose what he already had. The three words, "I love you", always getting caught in his throat, never reaching the one it was meant for. Sometimes, he wished that his friends weren't so loyal and one of them would just tell Jean and get it over and done with. Or maybe Jean would suddenly pop out of his oblivious world and just realise how much Marco pined for him.
-0-0-0-
Word had spread fast that Jean and Mikasa were dating, and frankly, no one could believe it. When news got out, everyone had wondered whether Jean had spiked Mikasa's drink or kidnapped Eren or something. Eren didn't seem too affected, not really caring besides muttering, "Really, out of everyone here, she chooses the horse-faced idiot."
Marco, on the other hand, was a complete wreck. The first day or two were spent in isolation and by pushing away anyone who tried to comfort him. He couldn't bear to think of what could have happened if he had the balls to tell Jean. Then maybe, just maybe, his mind wouldn't be flooded with this many "what ifs".
What if I told Jean.
What if he liked me back.
What if he doesn't like me back.
What if he hates me.
What if he thinks I'm weird.
What if he never asked Mikasa out.
What if-
Marco shook his thoughts out of his mind. What's the point of mourning the loss of something you could never have? And he soon realised that he was losing the friendship he tried so hard to protect. Jean barely spoke to him, and always came up with half-assed excuses why they couldn't eat together or hang out or anything. Marco would just nod and smile and pretend he didn't he didn't mind or wanted to cancel anyway, all while trying not to cry.
It took a few more days before Connie and Sasha finally got him to show just a faint hint of a smile with their silly antics, and it was… nice not having to spend every waking and sleeping moment thinking about him. Marco decided to stay away from Jean, and lock up what was left of his heart far away in the depths of nowhere. Yet, Marco could never go about his daily events without once feeling someone's eyes trained on him.
It was later on in the week that Marco's newly built mental walls came crashing right down.
-0-0-0-
The days had flown by in a blur, as Marco found himself on the big-ass wall surrounding Trost, staring down at the mass of roaming titans below. How had it all come to this? Trost was steadily falling to the titans. No one had expected the Colossal titan to show up again, completely out-of-the-blue.
"What the hell is Jean doing? The titans'll get him if he stays on the ground!" Connie's shout jarred him from his thoughts, or rather, the name he called out.
Following Connie's eyes, he spotted Jean sprinting through alleyways, a titan following after. What the hell is he doing? Get the hell onto a building!
…Don't tell me… His 3DMG gear chooses to spoil now?!
Without thinking, Marco leaped off the wall, completely forgetting that he was supposed to ignore Jean. He loved Jean, and he wasn't gonna let him die.
Maneuvering swiftly and with only Jean in his mind, Marco landed in front of a panicking Jean. Smiling softly, he said, "Calm down, Jean. It'll be alright," letting the titan catch sight of him and then luring it away.
Marco panted, leaning up against a wall. He'd successfully baited and then later lost the titan. Jean's safe now. He let the thought sink in, relief washing over him. As he was just about to join the others, something made him stop in shock. A giant shadow cast over him.
-0-0-0-
-One day ago-
Jean cussed to himself. Damn it Jean, just tell him already. Seeing Marco all alone, and then with Connie and Sasha, hurt him more than he could or would ever admit. Jean was so definitely not jealous. He was just… uh, concerned for Marco. Yeah, that's it. Not jealous at all.
But at the same time, it was Jean who had pushed Marco away in the first place, refusing admit that he was actually in love with him. No matter how he saw it, though, Marco was straight as hell.
Jean had always been chasing after Marco, forcing himself to believe that he was just nice to everyone, not because he actually liked one of them.Everyone could see the way Jean looked at him, they all knew he loved Marco. They all tried to convince Jean to confess, but he didn't dare, fearing that Marco would treat him differently.
The thing is, he really had no idea how he ended up dating Mikasa. Sure, he liked her for a while, but the momentary infatuation faded away when he started finding Marco's freckles cute. He thinks dating Mikasa was just another word to call their pity party duo. Both seemed to have come to terms with the fact that they loved someone who would never return their feelings, and somehow started dating just to distract them from the pain or until one finally confessed.
Jean thought that if he avoided Marco as much as possible, his need to hold him would soon fade. Things didn't work out as planned, though, and he soon found some resemblance of Marco in everything ("Oh hey, those dots look like Marco's freckles", "I bet Marco would've smiled at that", "That's the same colour as Marco's hair"). It drove Jean mad. Everything, everything was Marco.
And sometimes, he could feel someone watching him. Once, he had turned to meet the stare, and Marco quickly turned around quickly, but not before Jean saw the look of longing in his eyes.
-0-0-0-
"Calm down, Jean."
I love it when he says my name.
"It'll be alright."
Marco's words sent a wave of calmness over Jean, as he finally got to hear the one voice he couldn't live without.
As Marco dashed off, luring the titan –which was earlier after Jean- away, Jean nearly missed the small smile sent his way. To anyone else, the smile would have looked like any other. But somehow, he knew that it meant "goodbye".
-0-0-0-
We did it.
The civilians had successfully escaped, but there were too many casualties for anyone to celebrate.
Still, Jean wanted to thank Marco for saving his life earlier and went to find him, considering that Jean hasn't seen him since he saved his life. Oddly, none of the other trainees had seen him since the retaking of Trost.
He strolled through the deserted alleyways aimlessly, thinking that Marco may've gone to identify casualties. Yet, nothing could prepare him for what was around the corner.
No… No no no no no no…
Marco's limp body lay unmoving on the blood-splattered floor, or rather, half of a body. The other half had been mangled beyond recognition. Where his right eye once was, was an empty void. His right arm was missing, and there was no skin covering what was left of the flesh.
How… How did no one know…
Jean tried to hold back his tears, lying to himself that he'd already gotten over Marco. But nothing worked, and Jean just broke down in front of the corpse. Tears streamed down his face as he kneeled in front of Marco, repeating "I'm sorry" a countless number of times.
"I'm sorry Marco. I was a horrible best friend. I lied to you Marco. Mikasa and I aren't really in love. We're just distracting one another from the ones who'd never return our feelings. Mikasa loves Eren, who loves Armin. And I… I love you, Marco. And I wish I had the guts to tell you that while you were still alive. I admit it now, I was scared you'd reject me. I don't know what I would've done if you did. I can't believe I could only say all this to your corpse. Fuck, Marco, I love you. I really, really love you. So if you can hear me, I'm sorry."
With dried tears on his face, Jean forced himself to stand up, give the most loving smile he could to the lifeless body, and gave the best salute he'd ever done.
While he was contemplating what to do with the body, and also wanting to stay and talk to Marco, he heard something that jolted him out of his thoughts.
If the alleys hadn't been deserted, he wouldn't have heard a familiar voice hidden in darkness whisper, "Jean…"
-0-0-0-
Marco tried to regulate his breathing, desperate not to be spotted hiding in the shadows in the alley, near the corpse of his doppelganger. This was the plan, wasn't it? Disappear, fake your death, stop causing problems for everyone else and start afresh somewhere else.
But seeing Jean, broken in front of his "corpse", his resolve started to crumble. He wanted nothing more than to show himself and take Jean into his arms and kiss him and tell him he loves him and that everything will be alright. But he can't. He can't cause Jean any more trouble. He'd just get in the way of his and Mikasa's relationship.
When Jean started confessing everything to his "corpse", Marco couldn't stop the tears falling from his eye.
Jean… loves me?
Now, Marco, show yourself. Show yourself and tell him now before he leaves.
No, Marco, control yourself. What about all your plans to start anew?
Marco, do it. You love him.
Marco, don't. What if Jean doesn't want you to?
What Jean wanted? That's when Marco realised how selfish he was, wanting Jean all for himself, not even bothering with what he wanted. As Marco turned to leave, movement in the background caught his eye.
His mouth hung open.
Jean… was saluting the corpse.
Marco knew, from the time they spent together, that Jean didn't give two shits about saluting with pride or anything. All he wanted was a leisurely life inside wall Sina as part of the Military Police.
Although Marco was staring at Jean's back, he could feel all the emotion coming from the salute. Pain, remorse, sorrow, love. He saw every quiver of Jean's shoulders as he tried to stop himself from crying.
Marco's heart pounded furiously. Jean, Jean, Jean. And before he could stop himself, his urge to reach for Jean took over, and he let the word "Jean" slip out of his mouth.
Shit!
Clutching his hand across his mouth, Marco eyes widened and scrambled farther into darkness, refusing to be discovered when he was so close. There was no question about it, Jean had definitely heard him. Not to mention the heavy footsteps frantically chasing after him.
Marco was terrified. He hadn't even decided whether he wanted to stay or just leave as planned after hearing Jean's confession.
Shit shit shit shit!
Marco nearly smacked his forehead when he ran out of darkness to hide in, and was out in the open, facing a dead-end. He probably should've studied the map of Trost more thoroughly.
"… Marco?"
The voice that once brought him comfort sent shivers down his spine, and Marco didn't know how Jean would react. But before Marco could respond, Jean ran forward and pulled him in a hug.
"Marco… You're alive… I knew you couldn't have died…"
Marco could feel Jean's tears fall on his shoulder, and he didn't mind at all.
This is what Marco had yearned for, for years.
"Jean…?"
Now, do it now, Marco.
"Y-yeah?"
"I love you."
Jean looked up. His and Marco's faces were so close. It was then that the space between them vanished. The kiss was soft, slow and gentle. Just light lips on lips, careful not to go too rough.
As they broke apart, they spent what felt like hours just in each other's embrace. Jean whispered, " I love you too, Marco."
Reaching up, Jean wiped away the tears freely flowing over Marco's countless freckles. Marco's eyes filled with confusion as he wiped his own cheek. When did he start crying?
"Also, don't ever fucking leave me again, you got that?"
"I won't."