A/N: This is simply a different take on how House and Cuddy's relationship could have ended, and the challenges they face along the way. Takes place in season seven immediately following the events of "Bombshells", but I'm operating under the assumption that Cuddy tried to make their relationship work once she found out he relapsed. Set to the song "Just a Feeling" by Maroon 5. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen, it will make the story a bit more enjoyable.
I watched you cry bathed in sunlight by the bathroom door
You said you wished you did not love me anymore
"We can't keep going like this." Cuddy sat with her back against the door, her eyes swollen from the countless tears she had shed during the past hours. She bowed her head and lifted her hand to her forehead, rubbing her temple as she pleaded with him.
House simply stared at her, not quite knowing what to say. He started to limp over towards where she sat, mustering up all the strength he had not to reach into his pocket and take the pill that he had stashed there earlier.
Upon seeing the desperation in his face, Cuddy slowly lifted herself up and walked towards him. He smiled softly at her and moved his hand away from the edge of his pockets, taking her hand instead.
"I love you House. I will probably love you forever. But this…I can't be with someone who isn't willing to be there for me." House squeezed her hand, trying to comfort her.
"Don't do this. You can't give up after one stupid mistake I made, it was just a pill, just a stupid pill." He was angry, angry at himself for taking it, angry at her for figuring it out, angry that a simple act could jeopardize their entire relationship.
You left your flowers in the backseat of my car
The things we said and did have left permanent scars
She had given him everything; She had opened her heart and her home to him, helped him form a bond with her daughter, and he had thrown it right back in her face.
She knew he was an addict. She knew he was always going to be an addict. But she had hoped, foolishly so, that being with her might have changed that. Might have changed him.
He loved her, but maybe his love for her caused him too much pain. And she didn't want him to live a life full of pain.
"We're not good for each other House. You say and do terrible things, and I hide parts of my life from you because I'm scared of what might happen. It's not right and it's not fair, but that's the way it is." Cuddy gently stroked this side of his face, his stubble pricking at her fingers with every touch.
" Relationships aren't supposed to be simple, they're supposed to be hard. It's irrational to think we could do this without hurting each other. But we can be better, I know we can." declared House
She had never seen him like this before; He looked completely lost and afraid.
"But it shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to be sitting in a hospital bed for hours, hoping you would show up. You should want to be there for me, especially in moments where I feel most alone."
House walked over to the bed and slowly sat down.
"I did want to be there, you know I wanted to be there. I just couldn't face the thought of losing you. I needed more time."
Cuddy sighed as he looked up at her, his eyes pleading with her to stay.
"That's the problem House. You've spent your whole life avoiding pain, but sometimes pain is just inevitable. You don't always have time to sit around and rationalize everything, sometimes you just have to act."
Obsessed, depressed at the same time
I can't even walk in a straight line
I've been lying in the dark no sunshine
Their love was that once in a lifetime, heart wrenching, consuming type of love. Neither of them was ready to let go, but they couldn't keep holding on without falling apart.
They spent the next few days tip toeing around each other, especially at work. House had sent Foreman into Cuddy's office for approval on medical treatments in an attempt to avoid the conversation that they were bound to have.
There was that word again, avoidance.
They spent their nights together, but it was different than it used to be. They barely spoke, and their touches were loving, but they were more comforting than anything else. She would bury her face into his chest at night, waiting for him to feign sleep so she could let the tears roll.
Every once and a while he would let his hand wander up and down her arm, just to let her know that he was there. She appreciated the sentiment, and she hated that he knew what he was doing to her.
It was just so much easier for her to pretend he was asleep, so he never said a word.
They were in a dark place, a place they might not be able to get out of.
She cries, this is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes you're not even there
Eventually Cuddy had had enough of the tears and the pain, and he had grown tired of watching her suffer.
Slowly they had started drifting apart, spending more nights alone than together. He had driven to her house one night after allowing himself to have a few drinks. He knew he wouldn't be able to go through with this if he was completely sober.
She opened the door and motioned for him to come in.
House looked down at the floor as he spoke, afraid that if he looked at her he wouldn't be able to speak.
"I can't watch you suffer any longer." said House, twisting his cane on the floor.
Cuddy folded her arms across her chest, biting her lip before she spoke. "I know. I'm sorry House." she smiled sadly at him, trying her best not to let the tears that were forming escape.
"It's not your fault. You were right, we…I can't handle this. You are the best part of my life, but I'm the worst part of yours. I know what it's like to live a life full of pain. You shouldn't have to experience that."
Cuddy closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around him and grabbing onto the back of his t-shirt.
House embraced her, his hand running up and down her back. They didn't say a word.
There was nothing left to say.
It's just a feeling, just a feeling, just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling, just a feeling that I have
Cause I can't believe that it's over
In the days that followed Cuddy buried herself in work, doing everything imaginable to keep her mind off him. House on the other hand, hadn't shown up to work at all. She had sent Wilson over to check on him several times, but he still had yet to face her.
She told herself that it was better to keep her distance, that there was nothing she could do to fix his problems. She might have made him a better person, but their relationship was too much for him to handle.
He just wasn't ready, and she wasn't sure he would ever be.
She hadn't expected their relationship to end this way. They'd had a tragic story, but throughout their entire relationship she held onto the idea of a happy ending.
She made a mental note to stop reading Rachel all of those Princess stories.
You've hit your low, you've lost control and you want it back
You may not believe me but I gave you everything I had
House had drunk himself into a stupor when he had finally left Cuddy's house that night.
He hadn't felt this alone since he had hallucinated two years ago. He had tried; he had really tried to make his relationship with Cuddy work. He didn't believe in fate, or the after life, or any type of higher power-but maybe the two of them just weren't mean to be.
Maybe he really was better off alone. The only one he could hurt when he was alone was himself, and after everything he's been through, he had started to build up a tolerance to pain.
He could easily squash the feeling, force himself to be happy. All he had to do was take one simple pill.
He reached into his pocket and pulled a small bottle out. He dropped a couple of the capsules into his hand and quickly threw them back into his mouth.
He took a long swig of his drink, letting the dark liquid burn down his throat as he drank.
At this point, he just wanted to feel better. He no longer had Cuddy to answer to, and Wilson had decided to keep his distance.
Drugs made him feel numb, and that was the only thing he could afford to feel at the moment.
Undress confess that you're still mine
Roll around in a bed full of tears
I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine
Against her better judgment, Cuddy had eventually decided to go and check on House. He hadn't been to work in over a week, and had stopped taking Wilson's calls.
She timidly knocked on the door, still not entirely sure if going over there was a good idea.
He slowly opened the door when he heard the familiar rhythm on his door.
"Wasn't expecting you for another week or so. Come to check up me? I'm fine, really, you can go now."
"House…" said Cuddy softly
He let out a small sigh as she looked up at him. "If I promise to come in tomorrow, will you leave?"
"I didn't come here to bother you about work. You can come back when you're ready, Foreman is handling things for the time being." said Cuddy flatly.
" Super. I've got a lot to do, so as I said before, you can go now."
House started to shut the door on her, but she stopped him before he could close it all the way.
"I'm not going until you let me in. If you want to shut me out that's fine, but I'm not leaving here until I know that you're okay.
"Don't you have a child to tend to?" asked House
" I sent her to my mom's for the night." Cuddy opened the door all the way, walking past House and into his living room.
"Well that was very presumptuous of you. What exactly did you come over here for?" House smirked at her as she walked through the door.
Cuddy glanced around the room, noticing the empty pill bottles scattered around the floor. She ran her hand through her hair, sighing in disbelief.
"I thought you were trying to stay clean." Cuddy asked, her tone softening as she spoke.
"I was." said House as he walked over towards where she stood. "Was being the operative word."
She sat down on the couch, closing her eyes and letting her head fall backwards onto the green cushion.
House sat down next to her and placed his hand across her thigh. She had missed his touch more than she thought possible so she didn't bother to move it.
She was tired. She was tired of missing him, tired of thinking about him, tired of being consumed with thoughts of him.
They sat there for a few minutes, neither one of them willing to break the silence.
He slowly moved his hand up further, daring her to tell him to stop. Her breath hitched for a moment as he started moving toward her hip and he paused, waiting for her to say something. She never did.
She leaned into him, allowing herself to give into him again. She pressed her lips towards his, her hand gripping onto the back of his neck.
His hands moved to the skin that was hidden underneath her shirt as he deepened their kiss. She opened her mouth slightly, allowing his tongue to move with hers.
He stood them up, leading her to the bedroom. She didn't stop kissing him, because she knew the moment she let go, the moment she removed herself from him she would stop and think about what they were doing.
She wasn't ready to do that just yet.
They stumbled back into the bedroom while their hands wandered around the other's body. Their lips parted as he laid her on the bed, his hands stroking her hair as she lay there.
She lifted his shirt off of him, desperate to feel the muscles that were hidden beneath. She sat up as he did the same to her, leaving her in the black bra that she wore underneath her shirt.
Cuddy unbuckled his pants, and he looked down at her, silently telling her that there was no going back after this. He knew they wouldn't be able to resist themselves.
She simply nodded at him, pushing his jeans down and holding onto his arm as he stepped out of them. He slowly sat down on the bed, hovering over her.
So much to say it's not the way she does her hair
But the way she seems to stare right through my eyes
She glanced up at him as he placed his hand on her waist, pushing down the flimsy material of her pants. He kissed her as he threw her pants off the bed, his lips enveloping hers.
Her hands ran up and down his arms as his lips explored her body.
They both knew this would be the last time they would see each other in this way. They weren't making up, they were saying goodbye.
He reached behind her and unclasped her bra as she placed kisses up and down his neck and chest. He moved his hand up and down the side of her body, eventually landing on her breasts.
He caressed them softly as she placed her mouth on his, desperate to feel the familiar taste of his mouth.
She slid his boxers off as they kissed, leaving him completely exposed. She removed hers next, deepening their kiss as they moved within the sheets.
He slid his hand down toward her leg as she moved her leg up and down, entangling herself in him.
Her eyes pleaded with him to give in, to let himself inside of her, but they were both trying to savor the last few moments.
It's just a feeling, just a feeling, just a feeling that I have
It's just a feeling, just a feeling
He flipped her on top of him, her hair cascading over his face as she inched her nose closer to his. He reached up and placed a soft kiss on her lips, his hands roaming her back as she moved on top of him.
She took his hand in hers, their fingers intertwining as they kissed. He slowly plunged into her as she released soft moans into the air.
She began to quicken their pace and buried her head into his shoulder. His hands moved to her back as he placed her back underneath, his lips attacking hers as they moved.
She arched her back as he went deeper inside of her, the room exploding with a mix of sounds from the two of them.
Cuddy felt her muscles tighten as House thrust inside of her, and she could feel their heartbeats quicken with every motion. They were so close, which meant they were close to being over for good.
Their eyes met one last time before they came, a feeling of sadness overcoming their pleasure.
Their fingers were still intertwined and Cuddy gripped his hands like never before. He tucked a piece of hair behind her hear as they came off of the high, his head collapsing onto her chest.
She ran her hand through his hair, stroking his hand as he rest on top of her.
And in my darkest days when she refused to run away
From love she tried so hard to save
"I love you." whispered House as he placed a soft kiss to her collarbone.
A small tear escaped Cuddy's eyes as she looked down at him. She placed a kiss to the side of his head. "I know, I love you too. But this…it can't happen again. We both know it can't happen."
House lifted himself off of her, rolling to the side. His hand was still loosely tangled up in hers.
He paused before he finally let go.
I can't believe that it's over.
I can't believe that it's over.
Thank you so much for reading! Reviews are greatly appreciated.