Okay reviewers I've found a new song that I'm totally head over heels for. It's amazing and I really thought that it'd make a nice angst HikaXKao songfic. Hope it turned out alright ^_^
Disclaimer: I do not own OHSHC
Song: Lost In You
Artist: 3 Days Grace
Italics: Lyrics
Bold/italic: Flashback
Hikaru's POV
Sixteen Million Seventy Thousand Four Hundred Seconds
I always knew that you'd come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends
I'm standing outside the airport, face titled up in the direction of an impending rainstorm. The clouds of grey set and ominous stage as I see my brother's plane takeoff. Just waiting here on the ground bellow makes me feel so small compared to the rest of the world. Most days I wouldn't have given any thought about my surroundings, but now that I'm alone I can take in the fact whole heartedly that earth is a very depressing planet. Swallowing back another bout of the melancholy feeling in my heart, I look back at the glass doors of waiting room. There waiting for me inside is my driver Max; he's holding my suitcase in one hand, an umbrella in the other. Glancing back at the clouds I feel a soft pitter of rain against my skin. Wiping away the moisture I take a small step towards the sliding doors; this is going to be the longest distance I have ever walked in my life. It may only seem like a couple of feet to your average man, but to someone with a broken heart this is an agonizingly painful thing to do. To walk the other way while your other half disappears into nothing.
"Master Hitachiin, I'll pull the limo around back." Max says with a thick British accent as he ushers me into the airport's holding room. "Will you be alright waiting here for just a moment?"
"I'll be alright." I lie smiling half-heartedly; how can I be alright when my heart is aching?
Sitting in the silence of the nearly empty room, I take a glance at the front desk. Chewing on the cap of a ballpoint pen, a petite blonde secretary is leaning against the counter. A load of paperwork by her side, you think she'd be occupied at this time of day. Suddenly seeing her lips pull into a grin, her gaze falling on me, I twist away disgusted. Hearing a huff coming from the direction of the desk, I'm trying to ignore her as best as I can until Max pulls the limo around. I mean most days I probably would have flirted back, but today I feel no drive. There's no motivation….nothing. Turning to the glass doors, I see my driver waiting in the rain for me. Getting up and out of my seat I walk to the access and pop the umbrella open. Stepping out into the rain, Max quickly exit's the driver's seat to open the backseat of the limo for me. Crawling inside I pull my body over to the window, and glance out at the pouring rain. Sometimes I wish I could be like the clouds; dump out whatever I was feeling right on the spot. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this sickly emotion boiling in the pit of my stomach.
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Pulling up in front of the mansion, I exit the vehicle and head inside. Lurching towards the staircase, I somehow make it to the stairs, and climb to the top floor where my bedroom resides behind closed doors. Fumbling with the handle, I manage to stagger in before kicking the door shut behind me. As soon as my feet touch the hardwood, I collapse onto the carpet, sinking to the ground as the tears spill down my cheeks. How could he leave me here!? How the hell could he just pack up his shit and leave?! Pushing myself to stand on two feet I wobble to my brother's mattress. Sitting on the edge of his bed, I pick up one of the pillows he left behind while packing. Pressing the material to my face I inhale sharply; god it still smells like him!
"Master Hitachiin, are you alright in there?" I hear a maid ask as she lightly knocks on the barrier between the two of us.
"I'm perfectly fine." I manage to choke out before I press my face harder into the pillow suppressing a sob.
"I know that it'll be a little melancholy here in the manor without the other master, so please let me know if you need anything." She whispers softly as she heads back down the stairs.
"How can you give me something that's already gone?" I sob griping onto the cushion tightly. Curling into the fetal position I somehow cope with utter loneliness by falling asleep; wet tears still streaming down my cheeks.
"I can't stand it anymore, Hikaru!" Kaoru screamed looking at me with blazing orbs.
"What are you talking about?" I questioned taken aback by his sudden outburst.
"This!" Kaoru hollered motion to everything around the two of us. "The Host Club, the rumors, and above all you!"
"Me?" I stuttered tripping on my words.
"You screwed up everything." Kaoru glared shoving his possessions into a small brown suitcase. "It was your idea to start up this whole Brotherly Love crap and now look where it's gotten us."
"I thought you liked it." I managed to squeak out before I was violently cut off.
"Like it? Are you out of your mind?!" Kaoru chuckled manically as he shook his head from side to side.
"But you…" I started before he put his finger to my lips.
"You thought that I liked the way you touched me, didn't you?" Kaoru asked gripping my chin tightly. "Maybe at first…but that's all changed."
"What? How?" I whispered before he let go of me to pick up his bag.
"You're my brother, Hikaru." Kaoru replied as he headed towards the door. " And I can't allow us to be anything more than that."
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Bolting up right as beads of sweat cascade down my forehead, I look to the red beams of the alarm clock on the nightstand. The numbers reading 5:00am I let out a sigh before slumping back into the mattress. Memories from yesterday keep replaying in my mind almost like a broken record or a song stuck on repeat; it's nauseating. Kaoru left me because our feelings for one another have started to develop into something more than just "Brotherly Love"; into something that is forbidden. If anyone finds out our chances for a scholarship are zero, our family will disown us, and then we're going to be forced to be separated in the sake to keep the rest of society clean of our sin. My better half wants me to let go and try to forget all the things that we've been through, but I'm just not willing enough. How can one let the finer things in life slip through his already tight hold? I'd rather go down letting the entire world know that I'm in love with my brother, than live on never to have touched him or to have held him in my arms.
You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
Pulling away you took everything I had
It's been a week since my brother left me. One week since I've seen his face. Seven days since I've heard his beautiful voice. One hundred sixty-eight hours since I've smelled the sweet scent of his hair. Ten thousand eighty minutes since I've kissed his burning skin. Six thousand four hundred eight thousand seconds since I've held him in my arms. I've been without the world for what seems like more than a week. The space without him is ever lasting when I can't use my senses. The pain is too real to ignore and push aside. How could you leave me, Kaoru? How could you disappear after all that we've been through? Haven't you realized by now that I need you to survive?
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
I woke up this morning late as usual. I slept half the day away and it's already six in the evening. I guess that's expected though when you only get three hours of sleep. I'm still plagued with nightmares; the same song on repeat, the same skipping disk,the same hellish nightmare. Rolling out of bed, I walk over to where your old mattress is. Picking up the tear-stained pillow, I inhale deeply. It's only now that I realize your scent has long since faded from the material…just like you. Feeling the bile rise in my throat I run to the bathroom and lift up the lid of the toilet. Sticking my head into the white ceramic bowl I relieve myself of the nauseousness your memory is bringing me. Wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand, I stumble towards the sink. Looking into the mirror, I can see your face. It looks empty and miserable…wait that face doesn't belong to you…that expression is my own.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you
I don't think I've ever felt so abandoned. I'm lost in the infinite darkness and there's no light to guide me. There isn't a flicker of hope or a prayer in the world that'll make you come home to me. I feel so useless right now, not being able to stand on my own to feet. I guess this is what it means to be down and out, stuck in a rut, on your final tread of ground. No life preserver is going to save me…I'm drowning in this ocean of despair.
The pain of it all
Six months
The rise and the fall
Twenty-six weeks
I see it all in you
One hundred twenty-eight days
Now everyday
Four thousand four hundred sixty-four hours
I find myself say
Two hundred sixty-seven thousand right hundred fourty minutes
I want to get lost in you
Sixteen million seventy thousand four hundred seconds
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found away to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I've found away to get lost in you
I can't take it anymore…
Slash
The pain is too much to take…
Tear
I'm so sorry…
gush
I really loved you
bleed
Please forgive…me
drip…drip…drip…drip
A way to get lost in you
(A way to get lost in you)
Well there it is. My first tragedy for Twincest. I hope you liked it and please review.