He'd be lying if he said he hasn't been watching her.
Since he's come back to this dorm, he's been watching her. He remembers her—the day she and her idiot friends came to the back alley, the way she never backed down when the punks threatened her. The steadiness of her voice as she bowed her head, giving him a "thank you, Senpai."
Her hair is brown and always tied up out of her face. Her eyes are red—a bright, unnatural color that should be strange, but seems natural on her. She wears her uniform mostly straight, a pair of red headphones hanging around her neck. She doesn't wear the headphones much.
She walks with a slight bounce, a confidence to her step. Her voice carries the same attitude. It's the tone of a girl who simply is—a person who has nothing to hide.
It is this girl who is standing in front of him. Her hands are clasped behind her back and she leans forward with a smile—carefree, happy.
"Shinjiro-senpai?"
He down at her. "What?"
"Will you come get something to eat with me?"
He is not expecting this. He gives her an inquisitive look. "…What?"
"Food. Dinner. With me?" She smiles teasingly, rocking back and forth on her heels.
"I heard you. But why me?"
"I dunno. Because I said so?" She shrugs like the meaning doesn't matter. "But will you please? I'll buy."
"You don't have to buy me anything," he snaps, balking at the idea of the small girl paying for his dinner. He stands up, though, and she grins, pumping a fist in the air. "Yay!"
It's so childish and comical that he almost lets himself smile, but instead he just rolls his eyes and allows her to pull him out of the dorm.
When he takes a bite he feels a sharp pain in the side of his mouth and grimaces. "Shit."
She looks up, red eyes flooded with concern. "Are you okay?"
He's surprised by her worry but tries not to let it show. "I'm fine," he says quickly. "I just forgot I had a cut in my mouth from when Aki punched me."
"Oh," she says like she isn't confused. "Were you guys training?"
"Hell no." He shakes his head. "We get into fights all the time. You might as well get used to it."
"Okay."
She eats in silence for a moment.
"…You and Akihiko-senpai have known each other for a while now, haven't you?"
"Yeah. Since we kids. Punched me then, too."
She laughs, her voice light and musical. "It must be nice."
He looks at her and is taken aback by the look on her face—at something darker behind the smile. "…I guess."
"So, do you guys always eat out like this?"
"I dunno." She shrugs. "I don't know what everyone else does. Sometimes I go out or I pick something up or something."
He looks at her. "That's it?"
She shrugs. "So?"
"All you're eating is crap. You need to take care of yourselves. All of you," he adds. "I mean, this place is okay, but…"
He's interrupted by laughter.
"What?"
"You sound like my mom," she squeaks between giggles.
"Shut up," he snaps, feeling his face turning red and hating the way she's getting under his skin.
"N-no. I mean, I like it. It's sweet."
"Shut up and eat already," He mutters, staring down at the table—at his plate, at his lap, anywhere except for her.
They're about to leave the dorm to go get something to eat (all they ever do is eat out anymore) when he smells something burning.
"Hey… do you smell that?"
He looks down at her. She shrugs.
Curiosity gets the better of him and he leads her into the kitchen, where a familiar blue-haired girl is staring hard at the stove.
"Fuuka, what the hell are you doing?"
"Shinjiro-senpai!" Fuuka jumps and turns to face him. The contents of the pan she's holding are so charred that they're pitch black and smoking.
"Are you trying to set the dorm on fire?"
"I—I was trying to make—"
A few quick questions prove Fuuka's absolute ineptitude when it comes to cooking. Shinjiro sighs, shaking his head. It's only then that he remembers his original plans for this evening, and looks back at the brunette in the doorway. "Hey, you mind if we stay in tonight?"
She shrugs. She's wearing the same smirk she wore a few days ago.
He turns back to Fuuka and takes control of the kitchen, trying to coax her into making something actually edible. In the end he winds up practically making it himself, between muffled swears, meek apologizes, and suppressed laughter coming from back by the door.
When they're finished Fuuka scuttles off with a plate and a thank you. Shinjiro grabs the other two plates and turns to the still-smiling girl in the doorway. "Here."
The two sit at the table and eat in silence.
"It's good!" She says happily between bites. "Really good! You should cook for everyone sometime."
"Really?"
"Why not? Besides," she says pointedly, "Cooking's obviously something you like, right? So why not share that with everyone?"
He feels his face turn red again and looks away.
She laughs.
"I don't see why you won't let me help," she complains.
The counter is piled high with bags of groceries and Shinjiro turns to give her a look. "No."
"But why?" She asks, only halfway whining.
"I've got enough to deal with keeping her under control."
"S-sorry!"
She pouts, crossing her arms against her chest. "Hmph."
"Now get out of my way."
"Do I have to?"
He pulls a cutting board out of a drawer and waves it at her. "Out."
"If I light something on fire like Fuuka did would you let me help?"
He gives her a glare, a direct contrast to the look of amusement on her face. "Don't you even dare."
"What's going on?" A voice calls, and Akihiko appears in the doorway. "Wait, is Shinji cooking? Sweet."
"Get the hell out of my kitchen."
"Are you making enough for everyone?"
"What does it look like, idiot?"
"He won't let me help." The girl looks less like their leader and more like a five-year-old having a temper tantrum.
"Both of you get out already."
Shinjiro raises the knife he's holding. Akihiko grabs their leader by the arm and pulls her from the kitchen, all dramatics. "Shit! He's armed!"
Their laughter drifts down the hallway and fills the first floor of the dorm. Shinjiro can't help but smile.
It's when he's sitting alone in his room, the entire dorm silent and asleep, that he realizes that he's stopped counting down the days until it ends.
He isn't quite sure what to think about this.
"Everyone won't shut up about the stupid dinner thing."
They're back to eating out, sitting at what has become their usual table.
"It was fun," she says.
"Yeah, but it's not like I'm going to be the dorm's personal chef or anything."
"Why not?"
He looks up at her.
She smiles.
There's a sudden burning in his chest and before he can stop himself, he coughs. It takes him a moment to finally stop.
She is staring at him.
He shakes his head. "Sorry."
"Are you okay?"
There's a concerned look in her eyes again. He can't stand it. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
"Oh."
They go back to their food.
Shinjiro glances up and finds her still looking at him.
"Stop it."
"What?"
He can't deal with this. He already has to deal with Akihiko.
He can't hurt her too.
They're walking home from dinner, chatting aimlessly, and somehow they find themselves wandering to the back alley. He hasn't been here for a while; it's still early and the hangout is empty.
"This is where we first met."
"Yeah." She nods, looking around. "You saved us."
He shrugs.
"…I never thought I'd be going back there. To the dorm, I mean."
She balances on a ledge, her arms outstretched to keep balance herself like a tightrope walker.
"You did, though. I'm glad you did."
He feels himself blush and he frowns, burying his hands in his jacket pockets.
"Stop it."
"Huh?"
"You're—you're messing everything up. I keep thinking about this and…"
He's scared. He doesn't want to be, but he's scared.
"Senpai?"
She jumps down from the ledge and stares up at him. There's concern there, yes, but not the pitying kind.
It makes him hate himself, watching her worry.
"Never mind," he says with a sigh. "Let's go back."
"Do you want to go somewhere today?"
Usually they're getting ready to leave by this time. Shinjiro shrugs. "…Not really."
"Oh."
He expects her to leave; instead she sits down on the other end of the couch. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't know."
"I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why don't you talk?"
"What?"
"Go ahead." He gives her a small smile. It's refreshing, putting her in the spotlight for a change.
Her expression turns mischievous. "Want me to tell you a ghost story?"
"What is it with you and ghost stories?"
She laughs and starts to talk. She talks about the (seemingly) fifty thousand school clubs she attends and about her teachers at school. She talks about hanging out with her friends and being with SEES; she talks about how dense but nice Akihiko is and that Junpei really is sweet underneath his careless exterior. She talks of shopping with Yukari and Fuuka's cooking club (a disaster in the making, Shinjiro scoffs, and she sticks her tongue out at him and says Fuuka will get better). She thinks that Mitsuru would be a really fun person to hang out with, if she wasn't so busy, and that Aigis is slowly getting better at acting the way humans do, and that Koromaru is the closest thing to a pet she's ever known outside of dust bunnies.
She talks about Ken, and about how she trusts him and knows he can take care of himself, but it's still eerie for a kid his age to act so serious and fight Shadows. She is looking away when she says this, lost in her own world, and doesn't see the expression that darkens Shinjiro's face.
She talks until it's dark outside and most of the dorm have gone up to their rooms. She talks about TV and the mall and food (she talks a lot about food, more than he expects). She talks until she starts to yawn, and he realizes that he's getting tired too.
"You look like you're going to fall asleep on the couch," he notes.
She nods, yawning still, and stretches, pulling herself to her feet. "I'm surprised I haven't bored you into unconsciousness yet."
"No. It was—fun," he says, laughing a bit to himself. A grin splits across her face—more than just mischief or amusement.
"I'm glad," she says. And she means it.
"Hey… can I ask you something?"
She tilts her head. "What?"
"I was looking for something. I just wanted to know if you've seen it anywhere."
"What is it?"
"It's stupid," he says sheepishly. "Just a watch. I lost it a couple days ago. I haven't found it in the dorm so I figured I'd ask."
"Oh." She frowns. "I don't think I've seen it anywhere. Is it important?"
"Not really. It's just stupid." He shakes his head. "…I'm gonna go to bed. Night."
"Goodnight."
It's only a matter of time now, and Shinjiro has done his best to prepare himself for it. He says nothing; he rolls his eyes at Akihiko's shenanigans and at their leader's stupid jokes. He keeps telling himself that if he acts normal, the pain will be less, and there will be no anticipation. Just a before and an after.
This does not stop the feeling gripping his chest, seizing him, keeping his thoughts elsewhere until Akihiko raises an eyebrow or she asks what's wrong.
Fear.
But he doesn't let it show.
"Hey!"
She grins when she sees him, like she always does. She runs up to him—a little more energetic than normal, if that is even possible—and reaches into her jacket pocket, pulling out a gold circle of metal. "Here."
It takes him a moment in order to figure out what it is, and his eyes widen in surprise. "What—how did you find it?"
"I have my ways," she says with a giggle.
"I—thanks." He takes the pocket watch, more in shock than anything. "Hey… you wanna go for a walk?"
"Sure."
She follows him out of the dorm. They don't go as far as they usually do; Shinjiro finds himself taking her over to the shrine, just wandering. She observes the playground and tells him of a little girl who comes here to play from time to time. He listens, nodding in all the right places.
"I wanted to give you something."
She's sitting on the top of the jungle gym and she stares down at him. "Come up here first! It's fun."
He sighs. "Seriously?"
"Just do it!"
He climbs, feeling childish, and finds his balance sitting next to her on the top. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box containing a cheap leather watch. "Here. It's not much. I just… I dunno."
"Thanks! I like it. I really do." She examines the watch in the moonlight, and holds it out to him. "Will you put it on for me?"
He fastens the watch around her wrist. When his hand touches hers, his face burns red.
"Can I ask you something?"
She looks up from the watch. "Mm?"
"I want you to look after Aki. He acts all tough, but he's a big crybaby. Trust me."
"We'll both look after him," she says automatically, looking at him. "Right?"
He nods. "…Right."
She swings her legs back and forth, looking all around the shrine. "…Your turn. Tell me a story."
Smiling, he does.
They are outside of the dorm—freezing, although they both don't seem to care—when she does something completely unexpected.
She reaches up and kisses him on the cheek.
"Thanks for hanging out with me, Shinji-senpai," she tells him. "It's been a lot of fun."
She stares at him for a moment, bites her lip, and disappears into the dorm.
This should be the part where he goes after her.
This should be the part where he chases her down and tells her everything.
But he cannot. Even when every bone in his body is aching him to do so, he cannot.
He can't do it. It will only be adding insult to injury. He cannot do this to her.
He just can't.
She thinks about it when days pass, and another full moon operation gives way to something gone horribly wrong.
She thinks about it when she's watching him, blood pouring onto the ground and staining her uniform, tears filling her eyes but not quite spilling over because he's telling her don't cry, don't cry, this is the way things should be.
She thinks about it when she's forced to go to school, and she spends the whole day in a daze, and Aigis has to cover for her in class when she obviously isn't paying attention.
She thinks about it when they're walking home, and they hear some kids gossiping as they're leaving school, and it takes every ounce of strength in her body to keep Junpei from attacking them when she wishes he would, and she knows she would join him.
She thinks about it when Akihiko skips school, when Ken has gone missing, when the others are caught in various stages of grief and confusion and can't form more words than basic syllables and I'm not hungry, I'm just gonna go up to my room.
She thinks about all they've done, all she's done, and all she didn't do.
Maybe she should've told him more on that night. Maybe she should've told him the truth.
Because maybe, between the conversations and the dinners, between all the hidden smiles and constant banter, she'd fallen in love with him somewhere along the way.