Toad and Fox

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! Nor do I claim the whole little 'everyone's a pervert' speech, I found it on a profile somewhere. Also, there's a line there somewhere from Cybele's Snarry fic. I couldn't resist popping it in.
A/N: Pederasty is a-okay when it's with bishies, yes?

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"Pervy sage, pervy sage, did you see? I totally decked your bunshin!" the blond boy yelled excitedly.

His mentor wasn't quite there. He was about half a mile away. He had his arm around a woman's waist and the air of wanting to put one down his pants, if only social code would allow it. The woman was young and besotted with the white haired old man.

"So honey, like I said, any time you're in town you look me up, okay? The name's Daisuke—"

"Daisuke?" the female tried it out.

"Oh yeah, say it nice and slow, just like that."

"You told me your name was Koi last night," she accused.

"Did I? Well it's Daisuke Koi, you know. It's a middle name, sweetheart—"

"Pervy sage!" the boy halted their progress, his face flushed in anger, "What're you doing!?"

"Pervy sage?" the woman said skeptically.

"Nick name," Jiraiya smoothed it over, shooting a warning glance at his apprentice.

"You're supposed to be training me, not running after women!"

"Women?" the toad sage's companion asked, "Plural?"

"Oh yeah, lady, you're like the fifth one this week…"

"he's a little touché in the head," Jiraiya responded weakly to her virulent stare.

"I'm young. I'm not stupid," both woman and child hissed. The former left; the latter crossed his arms.

"Good job," Jiraiya scowled at Naruto, "You just lost me a week of sex."

"If you don't shape up," the jinchuuriki poked his master in the chest, "I'm going to tell Tsunade baa-chan what kind of example you're setting for me, the future Hokage, and then she'll kick your butt."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me," Naruto snarled.

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"Get up pervy sage," the boy nudged the sennin with his toe, "Rise and shine! It's training time!"

"Go suck on a dick, brat, I'm tired." The slurred, sleepy insult came from the wrong end of the ma. Naruto tugged off the blankets and found Jiraiya's feet where his head should be. He looked up—looking for the head—and his eyes fell on a head of a different kind.

"Aaaarrrrrgghhh!!" screamed the teen.
"Aaaarrrrrrgghhh!!" screamed the old man.

"Why!" Naruto wailed, "Are you naked!?"

"I was too lazy to change into my bed clothes, brat, its not a crime!" the sage pooled the sheets around his waist.

"Why," the blond gritted his teeth, "Do you have a boner!?"

"What, you've never had a wet dream before?"

"Aaargh!" Naruto screamed again, "You—are—gross!"

"Get over it, you slept next to me last night and it didn't bother you."

"Aaargh!" the kyuubi carrier screamed one last time before stomping out. Jiraiya bit his lip, glanced at the slammed door, and felt himself up.

"Ehhhh, he can wait."

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"Naruto?"

"Pervert," the boy said sullenly.

"So says the inventor of the sexy technique."

"You're embarrassing," the young one whined. Jiraiya sighed and sat down, draping a heavy arm over the boy's shoulder.

"Listen, Naruto. I'm not going to preach to you in favor of casual sex—not until you're eighteen, at least—but I am going to say this: being a pervert is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone's pervert. It all comes down to how much of a pervert you are, whether you accept it or not, and how well you hide it if you don't. You and I are the best kind. We don't lie about it. People like Ebisu do—and look how many people make fun of him! If I embarrass you, I'll tone it down. But then I'd be lying to you, and anyway, once you've seen a guy's ding dong in the air, you've crossed the point of no return."

Naruto brooded over that a bit, and abruptly threw his arms around the sennin. "Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry perv, I guess I overreacted. Don't lie to me though, okay?"

The sage hugged back, and said, "Done."

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Naruto was in trouble.

No, not with Jiraiya. The white haired deviant was about as lax as a teacher could get without actually accompanying his pupils to bars and strip clubs. Nothing the blond did ever earned more punishment than a stern look. (Even if that was pretty harsh in Naruto's book. Nothing like the disapproval of someone you hero worship to rip your heart up.) It wasn't Akatsuki either. Or any shinobi enemy for that matter.

Naruto was fourteen going on fifteen when he stopped trying to deny the undeniable—his wayward sexuality.

Oh yes, Naruto was quite the fag.

The irony was, he figured it out on Jiraiya's birthday. What a wonderful gift that had made.

"Happy birthday sensei. I'm gay."

It rhymed too, just like something stolen from a badly composed musical.

The hermit had been less distraught than the jinchuuriki betted on. In fact, next to Naruto's I'm Never Going to Find Love hysteria, he was downright calm and snuck in a lecture on the topic while he was at it.

"It's going to be alright, Naruto! It's the same thing as being a pervert—not lying is better. And don't fool yourself; you're not the only one in the shinobi world. Half of Akatsuki is gay, I bet."

"Oh, so you think I should join them? Do you think I'd get my cloak before or after they kill me and suck my inner demon out?"

"I'm just listing examples, brat. Sasuke's probably gay as well—do you see the way he walks? There are plenty of gay men, Naruto and any one of them would jump at the chance to please a pretty boy like you. even better, you'd jump at the chance to please them."

Distressed blue eyes had found the sage's own dark irises. "Are you gay?"

Uh oh.

"That's a…uh, matter of opinion."

"Whose?"

"..Um, what I meant was, I'm not technically gay…"

"Pervy sage, are you a fag or not?"

"What do you think?" Jiraiya asked, playing for time. Naruto heaved a depressed sigh. "Of course not. You only ever sleep with women," he said, and wandered away.

What a miserable birthday, Jiraiya thought queasily, recalling his promise to never lie to his apprentice.

But, technically, bisexual wasn't homosexual, was it?

Oh, who cared? At least he had cake.

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He was gay. For Jiraiya.

Life just kept getting better and better for the poor blond bastard.

And unfortunately, fifteen was old enough to know that teachers were off limits—especially when they were old enough to be your grandfather—and young enough that it didn't matter to your libido. Naruto kept having weird wet dreams about the white haired male, and was starting to creep himself out.

He would never have done anything about it if not for one rather crucial revelation bestowed upon him one bright and sunny morning in a civilian town near the sea.

Jiraiya wasn't in the room when Naruto woke up. The boy called concierge, who told him the sage had taken a separate room after showing up late last night—early this morning—with an escort.

"Escort?" the jinchuuriki asked, puzzled.

"Escort," the concierge replied darkly, meaning prostitute.

Naruto decided, enough was enough, that pervy sage is going to have to stop sleeping on the job! And for reasons having nothing to do with catching the older man naked in bed, he charged into the room across the hall.

And stopped.

And stared.

And gaped.

And mumbled incoherently for a bit. Just to even things out.

Jiraiya was naked, yes, and he had company, yes, but that company was not female, no. the white haired Sannin was in the arms of a young man of barely twenty. To add insult to injury, he was blond too and when Naruto's incoherent mumbling woke him up (huh, light sleeper, go figure) his eyes were blue.

"Yo old man," the man whore said, "We got company. Damn, the legs on that little bastard! Did I mention I wasn't at all opposed to threesomes?"

Jiraiya swore and turned to see who it was. When he saw, he swore louder.

"Pedophile," Naruto hissed.

"I'm a bit too old to be sodomized," the hireling boykin said modestly, "But I see what you mean. Is this my cue to make my excuses?"

Jiraiya said, "I can explain."

The prostitute said, "That's what they all said."

Naruto said, "I hate you!" and ran out the door.

Strangely, Jiraiya felt a little bit of his heart wither and die and wondered why he hadn't had the sense to lock the door last night when he'd had the sense to take a separate room. When the masculine beauty next to him rolled out of bed and stretched, he remembered.

The guilt of lying to his apprentice over the last few months.

The shame of wanting a young boy.

The lust at the sight of a blond, blue eyed harlot.

And then the sex. Warbling Naruto's name in the throes of passion. Cooing to the hooker as though he was his student.

The sage groaned and lowered his head between his knees. Of all the people to fall in love with, he chose the one that made him a pederast. Not to mention placed him on the personal hit list of most of Konohagakure.

The blond boy sat on the bed again. "Was that Naruto?"

Jiraiya looked at him blankly. "How the hell do you know that name?"

The nocturnal butterfly sighed as though the sage was stupid (he was, but that's beside the point). "Oh, Naruto," he moaned loudly, "Ohhhh, Naruto, yeah, oh yeah—"

"Okay," Jiraiya was embarrassed, "I get it."

"So you are a pedophile? Or you actually like the kid?"

"I'm not sure," the hermit admitted.

"Who is he to you?"

"A student."

"Ouch," the boy said sympathetically, "Out of bounds."

"No, you don't say?'

"Well, you should probably talk to him," he said, standing up to go, "Not that its any of my business. But he seemed to take it pretty hard. Either he doesn't know you swing this way, or he didn't know you're a slut, or there's something else. Not that I get paid for advice—not unless its on the topic of controlled ejaculation—but the kid could use a hug right now, I'd bet."

Jiraiya could use one too. It wasn't very often you were counseled wisely on your love life with a boy a fraction of you age by a whore.

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"Naruto?"

"Pervert."

"So says the inventor of the sexy no jutsu."

The blond snorted and turned away. "I don't wanna hear it, alright? You lied to me. You told me never to hide my sexuality and you hid yours from me! Hypocrite," he said bitterly, "Pervert."

"Yes," Jiraiya agreed, sitting down next to his apprentice, "Both of those. Asshole, too. I'm sorry, Naruto, I shouldn't have lied to you. Although, technically, you asked if I was gay and I'm bi, so—"

Naruto cut him off with a baleful glance.

"It doesn't matter," the sage said hastily, "I was stupid, I was wrong, I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

Naruto shook his head. "It's not that you lied. I…I'm...in love. With…you."

The words didn't sink in as quickly as they should. Jiraiya heard himself go, "Oh, don't worry about it. It'll blow over," and then shut up in horror. Naruto stared at him in disbelief.

"Don't worry?" he said quietly, dangerously, "Don't worry!? DON'T WORRY!" he leapt to his feet, screaming and crying. "You total—argh!"

And, Jiraiya had to say, the kid had a point.

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"Naruto?"

"For the sake of avoiding déjà vu, I'm going to say fuck off."

Jiraiya faltered. It was the first time the boy had cursed in his presence, and it made him apprehensive. But hey, he'd done the damage; he had to do damage control. He sat down a safe distance from the blond.

"You surprised me," he began gently, "I was hardly expecting that. Healthy, red blooded teen like you, why'd you be interested in an old man?"

"I'm not just interested in you," Naruto growled, "I love you. and then I find you—in bed—with some slut!"

"A slut who looked an awful lot like you, did you notice?"

The sentence coiled in the air and moved around Naruto's neck, choking him smoothly. With difficulty, he managed to get a few witty words out.

"What—I—you—he—"

Jiraiya spoke quickly, to fill the awkwardness. "I don't know. I really don't. I'm very, very fond of you, Naruto. More than a teacher should be. But I didn't want to tell you because I thought it was a passing thing you wouldn't return in a million years. I still don't want to tell you, not really, because I don't know if it's just your body I want or your hear too. I'm not going to ruin the respect I have from you for a bit of sex."

The blond found more words and shoved them out. "Respect? That died the day I saw your thing up in the air."

Jiraiya winced. "Okay, I deserved that."

"This is so fucked up! I love you but you don't know if you love me!? Isn't the adult supposed to be sure about his feelings?"
"Hey, growing old isn't an option but growing up is. I opted out."

Naruto stood up and Jiraiya half expected him to run again. But he flung his arms around as though trying to punch the air.

"You—you—idiot—asshole—fool—idiot—pig—idiot!"

And then he fell down, youthful frustration wasted on the grass clumps he was viciously uprooting. Jiraiya broached the silence cautiously.

"Naruto?"

Mournful blue eyes tingling with energy looked at him. "I love you," the teen said."

"I know," Jiraiya said, and hugged him to his chest. But Naruto somehow tilted his head up at the wrong moment, and their lips brushed. A tingle of electricity passed through the air and then their lips had collided again. The jinchuuriki moaned and sighed, his hands knotting in the Sannin's hair. Jiraiya kissed back even though he knew he shouldn't; but for the life of him he couldn't stop.

And then they had to. The need for air mounted the need to keep kissing and rode it to the ground. It kicked it to be sure the need was dead, and they pulled away to suck in their breaths through thin lips.

Jiraiya face palmed himself. "Naruto!"

"I'm sorry," the blond said untruthfully, "I love you."

His mentor hugged him again. "I know," he said, "I just wish I knew if I loved you more than I love your ass."

The boy said, "Why are you such a pervert!?"

The sage said, "All the better to corrupt you with, my dear.

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Don't you love synonyms? It's amazing how many ways you can call someone a whore. And don't go away—this isn't the end! Keep an eye out for the smutty sequel: Fox and Toad, when Naruto comes of age!

If that sounded like a ruse to get you to put me on Author Alert, why yes, yes it was. 8D