a/n: Set 10+ years after the series. Everyone's an evil bisexual because that's how we roll in bandom, and this is pretty much just an excuse to write filthy things about all of them because ship wars are so 2006. Enjoy!

"What're you thinking 'bout?"

"I dunno, man, what are you thinking about?"

"I asked first, shovelchin."

"I asked second, dickhead."

Eddy kicked at the bunk above his without loosening his grip around himself. "Just answer the question."

"Ugh, fuck. Cool it. Uh, Nazz."

"Nazz will not be pleased by this admission, Kevin." Rolf's voice piped up from... somewhere in the bus. Probably feeding the illegal chickens he sneaked aboard.

"That's riiight." Eddy grinned. Cornering Kevin was easily in his top three pastimes, right below doing the nasty and earning cash. Even better if he got to check off two in one go. "'No jacking off to me when I'm not around,' she said."

"Oh yeah?" Kevin countered, already flustered from the sounds of it. Excellent. "Who's gonna tell her?"

"I will tell her!" It was Ed this time, shouted as usual. "I will defend her honor!"

"Can't a guy beat off in peace around here?!"

"You announced it, moron!"

"Whatever, windbag." Eddy heard Kevin sigh; he was still at it too. "I told you, so leave me alone."

And he could have, he totally could have, but where's the fun in that? His grin widened as he kicked at Kevin's bunk again. "Liar!"

"Jesus! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Pants on fire!"

"Knock it off!

"Would if you'd spit it out."

"Fine." Kevin was quiet for a few seconds, probably trying to rub one out before his answer. Eddy was just about to ready his foot for another kick when, "Double D."

Oh. "Oh, cool."

"Right?"

"Yeah, yeah." Eddy had just been picturing a parade of random tits but hey, specifics were better. Details, too. "Which time?"

"Uh, backstage. Few days ago."

"Screw that! Why didn't I get any?!"

Kevin snickered, though his voice was a little strained like he was close. "Who'd ride a Segway when they've got a Harley two dressing rooms over?"

Fucking Kevin and his fucking bikes. "Who're you calling a Segway?"

"Face it, man, I'm better than you."

"Says who!"

"Everybody." Kevin groaned, which was so unfair; Eddy's hand was starting to chafe and he wasn't even halfway there. "Everybody we've ever done."

"Quit making shit up, asshole."

"Could ask them."

"How do I know you didn't pay them off or somethin'?"

"Beats me. Guess you'd have to take their word for it."

Eddy didn't like that smug tone of his. "We gotta find somebody who's in the middle."

"The fuck are you on about now..."

"Keep up, bozo. Somebody you couldn't pay off and wouldn't lie..."

"Somebody impartial?" Kevin offered. Eddy just snorted.

"Where'd you learn that-?" He trailed off abruptly, and Kevin's sudden silence only meant was thinking of the same thing. Of the same person. They were like clones, in a way; it was so embarrassing.

Kevin spoke with a newfound defensiveness. "No way! You two go way back, there's no fucking way that's fair..."

"Thought I was just a Segway?" Eddy said, attending to himself now that he's a bit more cheery. "Besides, you got other ideas?"

Before either of them even suggested it Rolf interrupted them. "Rolf will not participate in your shenanigans. Rolf does not want to get stung by the Ed-boy with a hornet's temper!"

"Er, Ed?"

"Eddy! I don't want to have sex with Kevin. He smells like grease and wasted dreams."

"Ugh, sick."

Neither of them even considered Nazz, even though Eddy salivatedbat the thought. Certain lines had to be drawn; they're a little more evolved than that, at least.

"So that settles it." Eddy shrugged. "Double D gets to be the judge."

"The judge of what?" Nazz just had to come in right at that second. "What'd I miss, guys?"

"Our guitarists are participating in a duel to measure their sexual prowess," Rolf said, choosing the worst possible words to explain it.

"And Double D's gonna test them!" Ed added unhelpfully.

Eddy heard Nazz pop her gum like it didn't even faze her. "Why did I even ask?"

"Sorry," Kevin said, like he was pouting. Nazz always turned him into a pussy like they were still in sixth grade. To her credit she just laughed, nicer than all of them combined.

"Good luck getting Double D to agree, though."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Come on, think about it. Think really hard." And they did. She had a point.

Kevin decided for the both of them. "Guess we're not telling him. We'll ask him at the end whose style he likes better. Obviously, it's gonna be mine."

"You're naughty, Kevin," Nazz giggled, giving her unspoken blessing to the proceedings.

"Thanks, babe."

Eddy cleared his throat. "Everybody hear that? No telling Double D!"

"Scout's honor, Eddy!" Ed said, followed by an 'ow' like he had hit himself doing the salute.

"Rolf will zip his lips like

"Don't worry about me, guys, I'm not ratting you out."

"Good!' Eddy paused, suddenly awkward when he remembered what he was in the middle of doing. "Uh, Nazz?"

"Yeah?"

He gulped, and by the sounds of it Kevin was in the same boat. "Uh, we're kinda in the middle of something, babe..."

Nazz giggled again before she realized what was going on. She bolted from her seat, hurrying to the door. "Gross! You guys are such pigs!"

"It ain't breaking news, sweetcheeks!"

a/n: The next part will be up in a few days so stay tuned! Also please help me name the band or they're gonna be stuck with some awful pun like Peach Cocks. Please.