Moments of Always

"Moments of Always" is a series of short stories describing single "moments" in the lives of the Castle Season 9 characters, in the first year after Lily's birth.

These stories have been written by various authors and curated/edited by members of the Castle Season 9 team.
Each story stands alone as its own "universe" - they are not intended to present a continuous narrative. They are not being posted in chronological order.
Think of them as little snapshots of "what might have been."

We hope you enjoy them!

Moments of Always: Once Again, Somehow
Written by Alyssa86inMN
Editing/Beta by The-KLF

Please Note: This story deals with postpartum depression. Please proceed with caution if that subject may be difficult for you to read about.

She should feel something, right?

This perfect little girl came from her and is staring at her with the same soulful and loving blue eyes as her husband and yet she feels nothing. Kate wants to love her but it doesn't seem possible. Her life is changing faster than she can take in. Her white-knuckled hold on the merry-go-round that has become her life is tiring and the spinning is nausea-inducing. It takes all her energy to get out of bed in the morning and put on a fresh pair of underwear. She is grateful for the days she has enough reserved energy to brush her teeth.

What is wrong with her?

Her life is perfect and in the early morning before her husband wakes, Kate stands over Lily's temporary bassinet beside their bed and cries. She's failing as a mother and Lily is not even two months old. Kate feels incapable of loving her daughter and decides that the greatest act of love she can give is to leave. So, while her husband and daughter sleep, Kate cocoons herself in a blanket in the office and lets her scattered thoughts take over.

Rick wakes to the high-pitched wail of his youngest daughter and although dedicated to being Lily's father, he just wants to sleep for a few more hours. He mutters his wife's name into his pillow, hoping she will attend to Lily, but when the crying continues, he rolls toward Kate to find her not there. Rick stumbles to his feet and crosses to Kate's side of the bed where Lily has been sleeping since they brought her home. He runs his hand against the mattress to keep himself from accidentally tipping over in his exhausted state. Passing by the doorway to the office, Rick spots Kate wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the couch by the wall of windows, her thumbnail nestled between her teeth. She stares at nothing in their living room with an empty expression that gives no sign of acknowledgement to the screaming baby.

Rick grabs Lily and brings her to the kitchen to prepare a bottle. Juggling the twelve-pound girl while trying to measure out formula makes Rick's agitated movements sloppier and when the container of formula tumbles from his hands to the floor, spilling the contents all over the kitchen, it takes all of Rick's strength to not scream and cry along with Lily. Sleep deprivation leaves Rick's nerves jagged and the second he marches into the office and shouts and swears at Kate and her inattentiveness he regrets it. Kate looks up at him, oblivious to his hostility, but remains mute.

He's still furious, but he drops onto the couch cushion and with a cooler tone pleads, "Kate, you need to feed her. I just spilled the last container of formula and I can't get to the store for more right now."

Rick pushes the flailing infant into Kate's arms. When his wife doesn't bring their daughter to her breast, he feels the only choice he has is to make her. Having to treat his wife like an invalid and force her to breastfeed crushes him. This isn't his wife.

Later in the day Rick watches from the couch in the office as his wife burrows herself in their bed. His heart aches from the fluctuation of emotions he thinks he should be feeling. Seeing his baby daughter gaze up at him with eyes blue like his own, but with a fierceness that could have only come from his wife, brings him so much joy and happiness that his heart feels light and free. His smiling face falls in empathetic despair at the sound of Kate's shuddering breaths and snuffling in the other room. His wife has become a hollow version of the woman he knows. He doesn't know what to do and fears that there isn't much he can do.

Keeping with the routine he and Lily have established, Rick sets up the stroller, rubs sunscreen over the baby's smooth and perfect skin and places a hat atop her head. Sometimes Kate joins them on their daily, mid-afternoon walk, but based on the blanket-covered lump in their bed, Rick assumes Kate isn't going to be coming.

"Lily and I are going for our walk. If you need anything, call me, okay?" Rick says softly.

Kate's watery eyes are on the picture on her nightstand. It's a photo from their wedding day and Rick isn't sure if she's looking at it or if it's just the closest thing to see without meeting his gaze.

Rick leans down and brushes his lips against her forehead. "I love you," he whispers before running his thumb against her temple and standing upright again.

Kate glances up at him as he's about to turn away. He catches the edges of her lips curving upward, but the attempted smile looks painful like it took all her strength to move her facial muscles. Guilt twists itself into his sternum and he fights every urge to break down in front of her.

Riding the elevator down to the lobby with the baby in tow, Rick pulls out his phone and calls the only person he thinks can help.

"Hey Writer Boy, how's new fatherhood treating you this time?"

"Lanie, I need your help."

An hour-long walk around the streets of New York and the twenty-minute discussion with Lanie on his mind the entire time, Rick and Lily arrive back at the loft. He feels a little more hopeful after Lanie's pep talk and advice and he needs to talk with Kate about what they are going to do next.

"Kate?" Rick calls out once he unlocks the front door. He unfastens a sleeping Lily from the stroller and draws her to his chest. "Let's go find Mommy," he whispers into the baby's hair more for his own benefit.

Rick steps into his bedroom and sees the bed empty with the blankets thrown toward the foot of the bed. The dresser that holds a mix of his and Kate's clothes has a couple of drawers left open with little to no clothing left. Rick's heartbeat kicks up a notch and he starts to frantically search for some sign from his wife, a note or anything that gives him a clue to what is going on.

Clutching Lily closer to prevent his agitation from waking her, Rick rushes to the kitchen counter where his family usually leaves notes and spots a slip of paper with Kate's familiar scrawl.

Rick, I can't do this. I'm so sorry. I love you. - Kate

The wrenching pain in his chest tightens and he releases an unexpected sob that startles Lily awake.

She doesn't want to hurt Castle, but she can't stay. He deserves more than a broken wife, he deserves more than her. Kate knows what it is like to be motherless and it's painful for her to admit that Lily will have an easier time not knowing or loving her mother than losing her in the future. Kate is saving Lily the heartbreak and disappearing before she can have any lasting memories. Kate never backs down from a fight, so it hits her as she treks down the streets of New York that for the first time in her life she is surrendering before the battle even begins. The idea of living under the same roof as Castle but being absent from their life feels like needless torment. Her husband deserves more, so leaving is the only option.

"Kate? What are you doing here?"

Kate holds her stuffed overnight bag in front of her, the devastation carved into her face. "I left," Kate is barely able to say before her whole body wracks into sobs.

"Oh, Honey," Lanie's face crumbles at the sight of her friend's despair and drags her into her apartment and then into a hug.

Kate hides her face in her friend's shoulder. Although she is taller than Lanie, the weight of everything makes her feel two feet shorter.

Lanie leads Kate to her couch and waits for her friend to speak. Kate continues to cry for several minutes, but Lanie does not press, she only waits while rubbing her thumb over the back of Kate's hand.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Lane. I abandoned my child. I left my husband and I didn't even tell him. I just left a note and ran away. He must hate me. God, Lanie, what have I done?"

"Sweetie, how about you stay here for a little bit. We can talk, figure things out and then when you are ready, we can both go back to the loft and talk with Castle."

"You must be so busy with moving and I'm just in the way. I should go." Kate stands up to leave. Lanie pulls her back to the couch.

"Girl, at this moment, there is nothing more important to me than you. We can sit here and talk or we can sit here and not talk. Either way, I am not letting you leave here without me." Lanie pushes herself from her seat and says, "I'm going to send a quick text to Castle to let him know you are with me and that we'll come to him when you are ready. Did you want something to drink while I'm up? Water, juice?"

Kate shakes her head and lets herself fall into the back of the couch, grabs a tissue from the box on the end table and dabs away her tears.

Sitting on the living room couch, Castle hears Kate's key turn in the lock. He fights the need to run and pull her into his arms and instead waits for her to set her purse down before he approaches her. Lanie stands beside her, holding the overnight bag she left with. The silence between the three is heavy and awkward.

"Where's Lily?" Kate asks.

Castle lets go of the breath he was holding and flashes the two women a relieved smile. Finding the note Kate left that did not mention their daughter and only spoke of her love of him, had him scared on top of the worry of Kate's disappearance. "She's down for the night."

Kate fumbles with her keys in her hand and stares at Rick's feet. She bites her lip and bobs her head in acknowledgment.

"Kate…"

She meets her husband's eyes and it's all it takes for her tears to pour down her cheeks again. She rushes to him and he takes her into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Castle," she mutters into his neck. "I'm so sorry."

Lying down beside Kate, who is turned away from him, Rick lets a deep and shuddery sigh escape from his lungs and watches as his wife's breathing changes. He hesitates before laying his palm atop her waist. Kate rolls to her back and glances at Rick with tears lining her eyes. Seeing his crestfallen and concerned face breaks her. Kate rolls again, but this time toward her husband, and buries her face in his chest and weeps.

"What is wrong with me, Castle?"

"Oh Kate..."

"I should be so happy that Lily is here and she's safe and healthy, but I just feel so... empty. I'm failing her because I can't get out of bed and when I do, I run away."

"We're going to get through this. You have been going through so many changes the last few weeks, I can hardly blame you for feeling overwhelmed." Castle kisses the top of Kate's head as he rubs her back, his own tears slipping from his eyes. "We can call Dr. Burke in the morning and set up an appointment."

"That's a good idea." Kate lifts her head and meets Castle's eyes. "I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to enjoy being Lily's mom and actually help you with her. I abandoned you to take care of our daughter."

"No, Kate, you came back, we are getting you help, and we are going to fight this together like we do with everything. That's what matters now. We are a team and if you are struggling, I am going to do everything I can to help you, just as I know you would do for me. I am not giving up on you, and I want you to promise me you won't give up on you either."

"Promise," she says, snuggling further into Castle's arms.

Before they turn off the light for night, Kate looks over to Castle's side of the bed where they moved Lily's bassinet. For the first time in weeks, she doesn't feel hopeless. Her daughter's perfect rosebud lips twitch as she sleeps and Kate's breath catches in her throat as she smiles.