A/N: This is my first fan fiction. Please tell me what I am doing and not so well. I am considering a sequel with multiple chapters that happens during the Yotsuba Arc and would like to know if anyone would enjoy it. If you like the sequel idea I will attempt to write it although I can not guarantee it will be done. I have four very picky muses. If that sequel happens it will possibly have an epilogue or could be followed by a one shot explaining what follows Yotsuba. *Note- I am open to having shounen-ai in the sequel(s) (I do not and will not write smut considering I am ready). If you want that please let me know because I am on the fence about whether or not to include it in any possible sequel(s). LightxL (or LxLight) is my OTP.
Summary: Light thinks on his previous actions during his confinement
Possible Spoilers: Anything before the Yotsuba Arc.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
Introspection
Confinement: Day 7
Light suddenly feels overwhelmed with confusion. What he's doing is ridiculous. There is no way someone could kill subconsciously let alone that many people. He can't be Kira! He has to fix this.
"L"
"Yes Light-kun?"
"I just realized this is pointless. I can't be Kira!"
"Light-kun is the one who suggested confinement."
"I don't know what I was thinking then! There is no way someone could kill that many people subconsciously. It's impossible! I have no memory of being Kira so I'm not Kira!"
"I do not believe that Light-kun killed subconsciously but you yourself admitted to being unsure of yourself. You seemed to think something was wrong with your mind."
"There is nothing wrong with my mind! It's perfectly-"
Light suddenly stops in mid-sentence as he discovers the holes in his memory. He finds that these holes litter his mind. He was trying to find the first one when L's voice interrupts him.
"Is something wrong Light-kun?"
"I don't know. I need some time to think."
"Okay Light-kun"
Light resumes looking for the first hole. He becomes worried when it happens to correspond to Kira's first kill. Light searches for more holes and finds that they seem to all be between then and now. He's startled by how obvious some of them are. He is reminded by fatigue that he needs sleep and decides to analyze it more the next day.
Confinement: Day 8
Light begins to analyze his memory as soon as he can think the next day. He starts with the first hole. He was watching the news when he remembers a sense of dread he can't quite justify followed by the intention of trying something out but he can't remember what. All he knows is that it seemed to work but he wanted more proof. He feels he got that proof after cram school and can remember feeling something. He thinks it may be guilt followed by resolve. Light ponders why he would feel guilt and inwardly cringes at the conclusion. Did he... did he kill someone? Light determines that is the most logical conclusion. He moves on to the next hole with extreme worry. Aside from the regular holes during studying the next one is during the Lind L. Tailor broadcast. Light realizes he honestly does not remember it although he knows he saw it. While focusing on the memory he discovers feelings of indignation, surprise and rage. Why would he feel that? It's almost like he was insulted by the broadcast. Light groans as he still fails to understand just what was happening to him. Light scowls as he thinks 'Is it really possible...
Confinement: Day 9
Light once again decides to comb his memory for inconsistencies. He decided last night that this was the only way to understand what was happening. Light starts with a memory of helping Sayu with her homework. The event would not have been so odd if it was not for a flash of dread and anger quickly followed by anxiety. Light remembers that it was justified but not why it was justified. Light discovers that this spurred him making that trap in his drawer. When he can't remember why he made it Light starts to get a headache. Light ponders what he could have hidden in there for the rest of the day with no success.
Confinement: Day 10
Light starts to analyze why he hacked into his dad's computer. After comparing the timelines in his head Light is surprised to find that Kira had acted on information only after Light himself discovered it. Light is disturbed once he concludes that he seemed to react to and use the information like Kira would. Light also analyzes his change in purchasing habits. He didn't understand why he bought so many apples when he never remembered anyone eating them. Light thinks for while longer and falls asleep with more questions and another headache.
Confinement: Day 11
Light chooses today to focus on Raye Penber. Light finds himself once again not remembering important details such as how he found out the FBI agent was following him. All he could remember was a slight pang of anxiety and the intention of stopping his tail. He is even more confused and worried when he mind links the bus jacking to this. Light inwardly frowns at the incident as a whole. Light feels a flare of self-directed anger when he realized he went out with a girl when he should have been studying. Light scowls as he notices some odd discrepancies in his recollection. He thinks that he felt like he was waiting for the jacker to appear. He even recognized the guy as one of the criminals he kept a file (wait file? Why did he have that file?) on. He remembers communicating with his date but not how. He concludes that it had to be through notes. Is paper a clue? Light remembers that Raye noticed and that Light accused him of being the guy's partner when he knew the guy was some kind of law enforcement. Light recalls seeing Raye's ID with a feeling of surprise and... accomplishment? Light once again is perturbed. The rest is a blur, an oddly comfortable blur. Light decides to go to sleep when he notices his latest headache.
Confinement: Day 12
Light wakes up to find his thoughts immediately return to the FBI agent. Light remembers that he saw Raye at a train station although not why he was there. He vaguely realizes that this was the day Raye died. While his encounter is a blur Light has the feeling that he gloated over some victory he can't quite recall. Light is even further puzzled by the resulting anxiety that follows. Frustrated, Light moves on to the next hole in his memory that so happens to be his meeting with Naomi Misora, Raye's fiancée. He remembers gaining a feeling of dread when she mentions something. Light goes through the entire conversation. She wanted to speak with L. She had important information. The information was about Kira's killings and the bus jacking. He can't remember what it was. Light decides to follow what he remembers of her thought process and comes to the conclusion that Kira can kill in more ways than a heart attack. Light balks when he concludes that was the information he was threatened by. The rest is once again a blur and Light finds he is becoming more disturbed the more he thinks on his actions.
Confinement: Day 13
Light finds himself eventually thinking about the time he was under surveillance. He at least remembers some of how he knew about it this time. Light inwardly frowns as he remembers the traps on his door. He couldn't remember why he had started placing those traps. He also couldn't justify immediately going out to buy that magazine just to fool the cameras or how he learned just where the cameras were. Light notes that his purchasing pattern once again changed. He bought fewer apples and got a mini TV that he never used. He vaguely remembers throwing it away even though it had cost a lot of money.
Confinement: Day 14
The latest memory Light is analyzing is when he met L. Light is puzzled when the mere presence of the detective seemed to threaten him. He remembers feelings of intense anger directed towards the detective's actions and challenge (challenge?). Light feels a pang of shame as he remembers the tantrum he had when he got home. He is again puzzled by his feelings when he recalls their tennis match and luncheon. He felt overly competitive in the match and lunch was beyond weird. Light can't figure out why he was so worried about failing the test. Light can't even remember what the test was. He remembers the phone calls they received and decides to rest the remainder of the day.
Confinement: Day 15
Light is jolted from his thoughts when L's voice reaches his ears.
"I am just informing Light-kun that no new criminals have died for the duration of his confinement"
Light knows he has to respond and does.
"I can only conclude I am being framed if that is the truth."
"What does Light-kun mean by 'if that is the truth'?"
"I... I don't know yet. I need longer to think L"
"Okay Light-kun."
Light then returns to his increasingly disturbing thoughts.
Confinement: Day 16
Light finds himself confused with the second Kira videos. He first does not remember why he even knew there was a second Kira before the voice started talking let alone why he was sickened by the whole development. He remembers being angry with L when watching it for reasons he can not remember, again. He is even more puzzled when he can hardly remember any of the second tape or why it made him so panicked.
Confinement: Day 17
Light continues to think over the second Kira. This time his thoughts turn to the diary. Light is starting to become annoyed at how little he seems to remember. After analyzing the situation thoroughly Light can only figure out that something from the diary that he can't remember lead him to going to Aoyama.
Confinement: Day 18
Light is very irritated when his thoughts turn to Misa. He finds her very annoying and does not even know why he puts up with her. He does not even know how she found him let alone why. Somewhere along the way Light becomes quite startled at the memory holes associated with Misa. He remembers being intimidated by something not Misa into being nice to Misa. Light goes to sleep that night with the distinct feeling that something threatened him to put up with Misa though he can't remember what.
Confinement: Day 19
It's this morning that Light finally finds himself at the memory of L meeting Misa. He remembers a feeling of dread and annoyance that quickly morphed into victory. He somehow felt that he had won (won what?) at that moment. Light remembers these feelings flipping back to dread when he learned Misa was captured as the second Kira.
Confinement: Day 20
Light vaguely remembers going a few places in preparation of saving Misa. He is confused by both his motives and his actions. He remembers setting out to a park but not remembering where he went or what he did. Light then analyzes his decision to be confined. He knows that his explanation for his reasoning was just an excuse but can't remember why he even needed one.
Confinement: Day 21
Light is bothered by his behavior during confinement as well. The whole experience was just the simple feeling of waiting for an opportunity. Light is disturbed by the realization that it came on the 7th day of confinement.
Confinement: Day 22-25
Light reviews the information he has assembled over the past few days. Light knows that if one filled the memories in a certain way he would definitely be Kira. Light thinks over this for three days and believes there is a great possibility of him being Kira. L is stunned when he sees what appears to be a distressed Light crying himself to sleep while facing away from the camera on the 25th day of confinement.
Confinement: Day 30
Light starts to compare his thought process to Kira's. He is very disturbed by the similarities. Light does think the world is better off without criminals. He even has the vague feeling of thinking the world itself is rotten. He concludes that his thoughts, temperament and actions fit Kira too closely for comfort.
Confinement: Day 35
Light again analyzes his past actions. He finds that the more he looks the more likely he is to be Kira. Light is finding himself starting to believe in his guilt. L is shocked yet again to see a crying Light trying to get some sleep.
Confinement: Day 37
Lights thoughts come back once again to his reasons for asking for confinement. This action is obviously stage one of some complicated plan Light thought up. After hours of thinking, Light comes to the conclusion that this is to clear his name and maybe even ensure L's death if possible. Light decides that he set it up that someone else would start the murders again during his confinement. He starts to wonder if L was being honest with him on the 15th day.
Confinement: Day 40
Light eventually comes to the conclusion that he got rid of all memories relating to his activities as Kira intentionally. Light feels that he would think that it would be easier to prove to L that he was innocent if he himself was convinced of that fact. He wonders whether or not it actually was intentional or just something he was forced to factor into whatever plan he had.
Confinement: Day 45
Lights thinks that if he was Kira he would definitely had set up his plan so that both the power to kill and his memories would come back to him once he was cleared of all suspicion. The only way this would work is if someone else was killing and Light knows there should be dead bodies by now. Light wonders if L is truly being honest when he insists there have been no new deaths.
Confinement: Day 49
Light knows he has thought through all he can at the moment. Light knows that he needs to tell L what he has been thinking about during however long he has been in here. He decides today is as good as any other time and speaks to L who he knows is watching.
"L"
"Yes Light-kun"
"I am done thinking. I need to tell you what I've concluded."
"Go ahead Light-kun"
"I uh... want it to be face to face"
"Of course Light-kun. I will set up an interrogation room."
"Thank you"
Interrogation Room
L accedes to Light's request for a one on one interrogation. L notices that Light is displaying a considerable amount of anxiety. He also seems to be in poor shape from his confinement and is much skinnier than before. After a considerable amount of silence L decides to initiate conversation.
"I am sure Light-kun understands that this conversation will be recorded."
"Yes"
"I am very interested to know what Light-kun has been thinking about for these past 49 days."
Light looks down for a second in what seems to be shame. L is very interested in what Light is thinking. Light begins his response.
"I have been thinking about whether or not I could be Kira."
L shows some surprise at this. He did not expect this. L responds while keeping in mind the possibility of this being a trap.
"What does Light-kun mean?"
"I guess it started on the 7th day in there. I started yelling that I could not be Kira when you brought up the possibility of my mind being compromised."
"I remember. It was odd when you stopped in mid-sentence."
"Yes. I was about to respond that my mind was fine when suddenly noticed that there were numerous holes in my memory."
Interesting. L waited for Light to continue. Light noticed and fully went into his explanation.
"It was then that I started to think. Through thinking I discovered that there were things that I knew that I shouldn't have or feelings that did not make any sense. There are actions that I should never have taken and knowledge I should not have kept hidden. I guess I should start at the first hole..."
L listens intently to Light's explanation. L is startled when he learns about how Light met with both Raye and Naomi and is even more startled at the conclusion he came to about Kira's method of killing. L finds that he is definitely increasing his suspicions of Light with every revealed memory. L is even more surprised when Light goes into the explanation for why he would go into confinement. L decides to tell Light the truth about the killings being resumed when he hears it would actually increase the chance of Light being Kira. After Light is finished detailing every conclusion he has come to during his long confinement L is sent into deep thought by Light's final inquiry.
"So L, what are you going to do now?"