As We Turn Away
"I'm done, Liv. I just can't do it anymore."
She stands there in the middle of her own living room feeling out of place as her partner of twelve years utters nine gruff words that make her whole life explode.
"You're leaving?" She asks in a vain attempt to prolong what she has now realized is his goodbye.
He nods solemnly and shifts his feet in an attempt to fill the silence. "Yeah. I am. I thought time off would help, but..."
He trails off and all she can do is just stare at him in shock.
She hadn't been expecting anything like this when he had shown up at her door an hour ago. Had it really only been an hour? He has only just announced his departure and it already feels like it's been a lifetime since she found him standing on the other side of her door.
Initially his unexpected visit had been a welcome disruption from another lonely night like the ones she'd been having in the past three months since his leave of absence. He'd hadn't exactly been himself when he arrived and it should have risen a red flag when he didn't answer her questions as to why he was there and what he had been doing all this time, but she had been so happy to see him that it hadn't even registered in her mind.
And now she is paying for it.
"El, you don't have to do this." She takes a step towards him and cautiously places a hand on his shoulder. "I know that you think you did something wrong but-"
"Think?" He takes a step back from her, looking at the spot where her hand had rested as if she had branded him with an iron. "There is no thinking about it. I killed a teenage girl, Olivia. Don't ask me to come back, because it's not going to happen."
His words sting her and she involuntarily backs away from him.
"Then why are you even here?" The words come out as a whisper and she almost regrets them when she sees the hurt look on his face. Almost.
"Why am I here?" He repeats, his face and neck growing red with frustration. "Jesus, Liv, why do you think I'm here?"
She turns away from him, not wanting to face what she now knows is inevitable. "Don't you dare."
"What? Don't I dare, what?" She hears him move towards her and she prays he won't try and touch her, because it will make the goodbye even harder.
"Don't say it." She breathes, sucking in another breath sharply when he suddenly grabs her arm and spins her around.
They are close enough that if either of them breathes too heavily their chests will be brushing together. His eyes are clouded over with anger and she has to look away as the blue orbs travel over her face.
"Why?" He asks harshly. "Is it because you never had the nerve to say it to me every time you decided to up and leave."
She wrenches her arm out of his grasp, but doesn't move out of his face. "When I went undercover I didn't have a choice and screw you if you think I wanted to leave without saying goodbye."
"What about Gitano?" He argues and she feels her face slip from her carefully constructed mask for just the briefest of moments, but it is enough. "You know what I'm talking about, I can see it in your face so don't try to hide it."
"I can't believe you." She mutters, brushing past him and walking into her bedroom. She slams the door and locks it behind her.
He is still holding onto that, after all this time he still isn't willing to let it go. Her decision had been selfless, at least in her mind; she was saving herself from more heartache and him from having to 'keep looking over his shoulder, making sure she was okay.' She had regretted her decision the second she had made it, but she loved him too much to risk his life because he was too worried about taking care of her.
That's really what it all boiled down to, love that is. She doesn't know exactly when it had happened but she had fallen for him, hard, and when she had made the decision to leave him she thought she was doing them both a favor. But when he had walked into Computer Crimes a few weeks later she knew that she would rather hide her feelings for the rest of their lives than have to spend her days wondering if he was okay.
They had never talked about why she had left or hadn't said goodbye and she had come to the conclusion that he understood why. After all, he had been the one that had originally come to the conclusion that if things didn't change they could no longer be partners. Apparently her assumptions had been mistaken.
"Olivia." His voice is softer as it travels to her through the door and she begins leaning towards it, towards him. "Olivia, I'm sorry, please come back out."
Her head falls back against the door in surprise. She doesn't think she's ever heard Elliot Stabler use the words 'sorry' and 'please' in the same sentence. He is almost convincing enough, but as her eyes gaze around her bedroom and land on the picture of them that has sat on her bedside table for the last two months she feels the fight rise up inside her once more.
She won't go back out there just so he can finish his goodbye. She can't.
"Why?" She finds herself asking him.
"I want to finish." He answers, and she can hear his hand slide up the door, stopping, unknowingly, just beside her head. "You deserve a proper goodbye."
That's it. He's finally said it and God does it hurt like hell. It's not fair. Not to him. Not to her. Especially her. He's not even talking it over with her. They're partners for Christ sake, he should have come over with the intention to talk, not just to tell her he's already made up his mind and watch as she falls apart.
She wrenches open the door suddenly and without warning. She can tell she's startled him but the look on his face and it gives her a small pleasure, but she doesn't let it show on her face. The mask is back on and she's ready to fight.
"You think you know what I deserve?" She seethes, moving with him as he backs away from her bedroom door. "I deserve a partner that's willing to fight. I deserve a partner that isn't going to run away from his problems. I deserve a partner that really means it when he says 'for better or worse.'"
She waits expecting him to lash out, to return her blows with equally cruel ones, but instead he calmly walks back to her and wraps her in a tight embrace. She is frozen. Her body goes rigid in response to this unexpected contact and she wants to know what the hell he is doing.
"Then maybe it's a good thing I'm leaving." He whispers in her ear, his warm breath tickles her neck just enough to make her shudder. "I'm sorry I couldn't be that partner."
He releases his hold on her and walks to her front door before she can even think of anything to say in response. He opens the door and she takes a step towards him, her hand reaching out of its own accord even though she's too far away to touch him.
"El, I-"
He shakes his head and a small smile appears on his face that doesn't reach his eyes. "It's okay. Goodbye, Liv."
The door starts to shut and by the time the latch clicks into place her whole body is shaking. She is sick to her stomach. She doesn't want to believe it. Her eyes catch sight of another picture of them sitting on the table behind the couch and she doesn't know what's happening until she hears the glass shatter and watches as the picture topples to the ground in front of the door.
Olivia sinks to the ground and wraps her arms around chest as the shakes turn into violent, ugly sobs that she has no hope of controlling. She feels dangerously hollow inside, like someone had just scooped out her insides and sewn her back up without another thought. She wonders if this is how he felt when she had left and if it will get better, because it hasn't even been a full minute and she's already missing him.
She sucks in a few deep breaths and rises from the floor with a sudden determination to make one last ditch effort to convince to stay. If not with the job, then at least with her.
Pulling back the drapes at her window she looks down onto the dimly lit street and a faint surge of hope comes over her when her eyes land on his SUV. The lights are on and she can hear the engine running, but he doesn't appear to be going anywhere soon.
She takes a deep breath and with a shaking hand she reaches over to the light switch on the wall and blinks her lights twice. She holds her breath and stands there, waiting and praying to God that he's seen it.
One...two...three...four...five...six...
After seven seconds engine stops and the light go out. Her lungs finally move, breathing in and out heavily as she runs to her door. She hears the glass crunch under her shoes, but she doesn't even give it a second thought. He hadn't left and that's all she can think about as she bounds down the four flights of stairs.
Her breath hitches for a moment when she sees him outside of the front doors, senselessly pounding on her call button over and over again. He glances through the doors as she slows so as not to run into them and she can see his whole body relax. At the sight of him looking just as frantic as she does, she doesn't question her actions as she bursts through the door and jumps into his arms.
"I didn't mean any of that." She hurries to admit. "You're a great partner. You always have been even when I've been a shitty one to you."
"I know you don't want to stay." She continues, pulling back slightly so she can look into his eyes. "But I can't let...Elliot, I need you. You're my person. Whether I like it or not you are and I can't just have you walk out of my life."
She feels a few hot tears roll down her face and she lets out a small sob as he gently brushes them away. "I can't."
"I know." He whispers, pulling her face closer to his. "Trust me, Liv. I know."
She searches his face as he searches hers and they both give in at precisely the same moment. His lips are unexpectedly soft for a man as rough and worn as he is and for some reason it also doesn't surprise her. His fingers lace through her hair while her own run over his chest and come to rest on his shoulders.
When they finally part for air they are both breathing heavily and he leans his forehead against hers ever so gently. She stares into his eyes silently for a few seconds, almost as shocked by what they've just done as she was by the words he had spoken in her apartment only a few moments earlier.
"Can you promise me something?" She asks suddenly.
"Anything." He whispers back, his blue eyes sparkling with emotion.
"Never say goodbye to me again." She requests, squeezing his shoulders for emphasis.
He regards her with a serious expression for a few seconds before that characteristic, wry grin she loves spreads onto his face. "Never...that's a very long time."
"Well, I plan on spending a very long time with you, Stabler." She smiles back, taking his hand to lead him back up to her apartment.
"How long?" He asks coyly and she laughs at the slightly flirtatious tone his voice has taken on.
She turns to him before they reach the first flight of stairs and takes both his hands. "How does forever sound?"
He squeezes her hands and leans in for a kiss. "Forever sounds perfect."