Olivia stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body before wiping away the hot condensation from the mirror with the palm of her hand. She brushed through her brown locks with her fingers and let out a deep sigh after noticing the dark circles that had slowly appeared under her eyes over the past few stressful weeks. Cases had been flying through the precinct doors at a more rapid pace than normal and with the squad being short staffed anyway it put an extra strain on the Lieutenant. Leaning closer to the mirror, she used the pads of her fingers to tug gently at the skin around her eyes, making a mental note to find a new moisturizer.
She walked out of the en suite and into her bedroom, leaving little patches of water along the carpet with each step. She stopped and observed the mess that her bedroom had accumulated into over the previous weeks. There weren't enough hours in the day for Olivia. Between being a Mom to Noah, the heavy duties of being Lieutenant with an understaffed squad and maintaining the apartment by herself; she barely had time to stop for some self-care. Her hand reached up to her forehead and brushed away the last few droplets of water, sighing deeply at the thought of sorting through each load of laundry that had piled up. These thoughts were short lived as she jumped slightly at the sound of knocking on her door. She clicked the home button on her iPhone to check the time.
9:47pm. Who would turn up uninvited at this time?
Another knock, a little louder, rattled the door slightly and caused Olivia to grab her oversized pyjama shirt from the end of the bed and hold it over her chest. It barely made much difference considering she was sporting only a small bath towel, but she felt somewhat more covered this way. She rushed over to the door as fast as she could without slipping on the water that was still trickling down her legs and pressed one eye up near the peep hole in the door.
"Amanda?". She whispered to herself before taking the chain off the hook and unlocking the door. She opened it a little and poked her head round as her damp, brunette hair fell over her shoulder. The younger woman looked relieved when the door finally opened. Jesse was cradled in her arm, balancing on her right hip with her face hidden. Liv noticed the tiredness in her detectives deep blue eyes immediately and felt her stomach sink, suddenly wondering what could have happened that resulted in her and Jesse turning up at the apartment at almost 10pm.
"Liv I'm so sorry. I would have called you first but my phone has no battery and there's a damn power cut in my whole apartment building" Amanda blurted out. Olivia opened her mouth to reply but the blonde gave her no chance as she carried on speaking at a fast pace, not realizing how her words were jumbling together.
"It's been out for a few hours now and the company said it wouldn't be fixed until early morning" she carried on.
"I tried to light candles but God, Liv, you don't realize how fast tea lights burn out until you're relying on them for enough light to get your kid ready for bed. They're so tiny. Who the hell invented tea lights anyway?". Amanda stopped her monologue and looked Liv up and down, realizing her lack of clothes. She blushed a little and felt bad, readjusting Jesse on her hip.
Olivia noticed Amanda's blue eyes wandering down to her bare legs. She cleared her throat, feeling a little uncomfortable.
"Come in.. Jesse must be exhausted. Noah has been asleep for a little while" Liv said sympathetically with a small nod while pulling the door open. She was still half hidden behind it as Amanda walked through.
"You can lay Jesse down, there's a blanket hanging over the back there". She gestured towards the beige throw draping over the arm chair before closing and locking the door. Still holding the shirt over her chest and feeling self conscious about being caught half naked by one of her detectives, she started walking down the hallway.
"I'll be right back. You uh, caught me just as I got out of the shower" Olivia chuckled awkwardly, hastily entering her bedroom and shutting the door before Amanda could even respond. She quickly dried herself off and pulled on her sweatpants and pyjama shirt, not bothering with a bra but instead covering up with a baggy hoodie. She tugged at her half dried locks and pulled them back into a ponytail as she strolled back out to the living room. Just as she was about to speak she stopped and observed quietly as Amanda was knelt down beside a sleeping Jesse on one of the couches. She stood at the other side of the room, leaning against the door frame, watching her stroke her daughters hair and whisper soothing words. Olivia felt strangely emotional when she noticed how exhausted Amanda looked as she slumped over the edge of the couch, resting her head in her hand. She had spent time with Amanda and Jesse on occasion, but the clash of their hectic work and home lives made it difficult for them to spare a moment to get together with the kids.
"You're a great Mom, Amanda. I do hope you know that" Olivia spoke softly and casually as she headed to the open plan kitchen. She opened the fridge in search for the bottle of wine she knew she had half finished the night before. She grabbed it out along with two glasses and set them out on the marbled kitchen work surface. Noticing how quiet the room was, she glanced up at Amanda who was still gazing down at Jesse as she lightly snored. A wave of guilt hit her, remembering how many times she had meant to praise the younger detective for being such a wonderful mother. Olivia mentally kicked herself for letting it slip her mind so many times.
"Wine? I've got red already open or.. umm.. I think I have some white somewhere" Olivia spoke while crouching down and looking through the lower kitchen cabinets.
"Oh! I have beer.. but it's not cold. Or you can have a coffee if you'd prefer?". She called out a little louder after hearing no sign of a response.
"Amanda?" Liv said a little more softly this time as she stood up and glanced over. The younger woman turned her head quickly as if suddenly snapping out of a trance. She pulled the blanket over Jesse and stood up before making her way over to the kitchen table and dropping her tired body on to one of the wooden chairs.
"Sorry". She shook her head which caused her shiny blonde locks to brush across her cheeks before falling back into place. Her hands rested on the table as she fiddled with one of the coasters.
"I wouldn't say no to a glass of red, if you're having some too" she finally replied with a soft nod. Olivia poured two large glasses and brought them to the table, sitting down opposite Amanda. She took a large sip and savored the tasted before swallowing it and resting the glass back down on the coaster, watching her friend closely. She observed as Amanda took small sips of the dark red liquid and noticed that she hadn't changed out of her work clothes even though their shift had ended much earlier in the day. She was about to question it as she heard the faint noise of her son's bedroom door creak open. Noah appeared from the hallway and shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.
"Mommy?". He was still half asleep after being roused by the movement and noise in the kitchen. His hair was messy and he was cuddling his stuffed elephant with one arm. He noticed Amanda a moment later and sleepily walked over to her.
"Auntie Amanda, are you having a sleepover? Is Jesse here?" he questioned curiously, having no idea what time it is. He placed his hand on Amanda's knee and looked up at her.
"Jesse is asleep over there buddy" Amanda whispered as she pointed over to the couch. Noah stood on his tip toes and peered over at a snoring Jesse. He giggled lightly.
"She's very tired. All the power cut off at our apartment, we were in total darkness". Amanda was unsure of the length of her invitation into her Lieutenant's apartment, so she didn't answer Noah's query about a sleepover. She figured it best she wait until Olivia brought up the subject of her leaving or staying. She wrapped an arm around Noah and pulled him close for a cuddle before ruffling his hair.
"Come on sweetie, it's very late, you need to go back to sleep" Olivia whispered as she stood up and used her hand to usher him back towards the hallway.
"But Mommy.. I want to sleep on the couch like Jesse, why do I have to sleep alone in my bedroom?" Noah moaned, looking up at his Mom with sleepy, glazed eyes. Amanda looked down and smiled a little into her glass before sipping more of her wine. She looked over at Jesse who was still fast asleep, now sprawled out across the couch with the cover kicked half off.
"Not tonight honey. Poor Jesse is only on the couch because she can't sleep in her room tonight. I'm sure she would love to be in her nice cozy bed right now, so let's get you back into yours okay? Auntie Amanda and I will sort out another time for a sleepover, sound good?" Olivia bargained with Noah, slowly guiding him back to his bedroom with her hand gently on his back. Noah nodded and yawned before climbing back into bed and curling up under the covers with his stuffed elephant close to his chest. His eyes were heavy and they closed moments later as he fell back into a light sleep. Liv stroked his hair and watched him breathe peacefully before kissing his head carefully.
"Goodnight sweet boy. I love you". She smoothed the covers down on top of him and crept out of his room cautiously before pulling the door half shut behind her and returning to the kitchen. She was quite surprised to see that Amanda's glass was completely empty, considering it was half full when she left a couple of minutes prior. She grabbed the bottle off the kitchen counter and sat down with it, pouring her another, despite being unsure if it was the smartest idea. Amanda looked up and smiled before picking up the glass and taking a swig.
"So, your power won't be back until the morning?" Olivia questioned, looking at Amanda from across the table. She felt her face flushing red as she grew warmer in her hoodie, but was reluctant to take it off, remembering how she failed to put on a bra. She rolled up her sleeves instead as she stood up and opened a window to let in some fresh air.
"That's what the power company told me when I finally got through to them after being on hold for thirty-five minutes". Amanda rolled her eyes and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. She felt guilty for imposing on her bosses evening but she had no where else to go. She could have asked Carisi or Fin, but since her phone was dead she had no way of contacting them and hadn't a clue where they lived. She gripped her forefinger and thumb around the stem of the wine glass and turned it around on the coaster as she thought about the fact she hadn't made many friends since moving to New York. Apart from minor acquaintances, the only friends she had were her work colleagues. She had no family in the city except for Jesse and even outside the city she had a horrible relationship with her sister and barely spoke to her parents. Here she was, stuck with no where to stay and the only place she could think to go was her Lieutenant's apartment. That very thought jolted a pang of sadness through her, but it also made her realize how grateful she was for Olivia's friendship and support. They hadn't always been this close, they'd been through harsh disagreements and fall outs along the six year journey of their work life but their friendship had recently settled into something quite sweet. Liv had been silently watching Amanda closely for the past couple of minutes, deciding to stay quiet as she assumed her friend needed a moment alone with her thoughts.
"Well, you can call the company in the morning for an update. Stay here tonight, you can't go back to an apartment with no power" she said quietly but seriously.
"I don't have a spare bedroom, but you're welcome to sleep on the other couch.. or you can take my bed and I'll take the cou-". Amanda cut her off before she could finish her sentence.
"Oh God, no Liv, don't be stupid. I'll be fine on the couch" she smiled as she finished the last sip of her second glass of wine. She stood up and placed the glass in the sink before turning around and leaning her back against the fridge, looking at Olivia intently.
"Thank you Liv. I'm so sorry to just turn up like I did with Jesse. I know it's a big, unexpected ask but I appreciate it, we'll be out of your way tomorrow morning". She suddenly remembered that she had no change of clothes to sleep in and felt a little careless.
"Uh, damn.. I forgot to bring myself a change of clothes to sleep in. Jesse's fine because she was in her pyjamas anyway. Do you have anything I could borrow?" she asked sheepishly, worrying that she was pushing her luck and Liv's hospitality.
"Sure, let me grab something for you". Liv disappeared into her bedroom and returned a few minutes later. She handed Amanda a small pair of grey sweatpants and a spare NYPD t-shirt. Amanda looked at the shirt and chuckled before pulling off her work jacket and casually undoing her shirt buttons. Olivia was a little taken back by her confidence to undress so nonchalantly in front of her, but secretly she was curious and found it hard to keep her eyes off the younger woman. She flicked her eyes back and forth between the floor and a half undressed Amanda, trying not to make it obvious. She looked out of her corner of her eye as the blonde pulled her arms out of her shirt and stood only in her bra. Her small, toned body looked perfect and Liv found it hard to look away. She couldn't tell if she felt jealous or slightly aroused.
Maybe both. God, Liv, take your eyes off her.
Amanda pulled the t-shirt over her head and gathered her hair that was stuck in the collar of it in her hands before letting it fall back down over her shoulders. She was completely relaxed and unaware of the fact Olivia was finding it a much more intense situation than herself. She walked quietly over to the living room and pulled off her pants before slipping the sweats on. She folded up her clothes and sat them on the arm of the couch before pulling her hair into a messy ponytail and using the tie around her wrist to secure it. Olivia drew her eyes away from her friend and cursed at herself in her head. She stood up and tucked the chairs under the table before setting her glass in the sink.
"Well, you know where the bathroom is? There's a new spare toothbrush in the top cabinet. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen. If you need anything else I'll be in my room". Olivia was already heading out of the kitchen as she spoke, assuming that Amanda would be keen to get some rest. She stopped and turned when she heard a sweet but shy whisper.
"Liv, wait. Will you sit with me for a bit?". She looked up at Olivia with longing blue eyes as she tugged on the bottom of the t-shirt, wanting desperately to confide in her friend about something that had been bothering her recently. She knew Liv would always be more than willing to listen but she wasn't sure how to bring up the subject. Gambling had always seemed to be a trigger for negativity in their friendship and work relationship over the years but Amanda felt alone and everything was bottling up inside her head.
"Oh, of course" Liv nodded as she walked over to the couch and sat down next to Amanda. She looked into her eyes and furrowed her brow, wondering what could be going on inside her head. She decided to get comfortable, turning sideways and sitting crossed legged. Feeling far too warm, she opted to give up with the worry about being braless. She pulled her arms out of the hoodie before yanking it over her head and breathed a big sigh of relief as she felt the cold air hit her arms and neck.
"Phew, that's better" she sighed as she threw the hoodie over the arm of the couch. She grabbed the front of her pyjama shirt and flapped it about a bit, letting the cool air blow against her hot skin. She looked up and noticed Amanda watching her closely. She blushed and smiled a little, still flapping her shirt about.
"Sorry, I was way too toasty in that hoodie" she chuckled quietly, aware that Jesse was sound asleep a few feet away. She pushed fallen strands of hair away from her damp forehead and sat back against the couch, relaxing properly for the first time that day. Olivia quickly picked up how quiet Amanda was being as she observed her twisting the oversized t-shirt around her finger over and over again. She dipped her head down a little and tried to connect eye contact with the younger woman, curious as to what was going on.
"Is everything okay? You're more quiet than usual, especially after two glasses of wine" Olivia joked with a smile, trying to casually open the line of conversation. Amanda's eyes lifted and met gaze with Liv's. She sighed deeply and kept twiddling the material around her finger nervously.
"I almost gambled again last night. But I didn't. I stopped myself". Amanda felt ashamed hearing her own words out loud and feared for what Liv would think of her. She looked down at her lap and bit the inside of her cheek.
"Oh honey". Olivia looked at her with sad eyes and tilted her head to the side before shuffling closer to her and resting her hands together on Amanda's knee. Their eyes met briefly before Amanda concentrated her gaze down to the hands resting on her knee. She didn't mind, in fact, she quite liked the comfort.
"What triggered this?" Olivia asked softly. She instinctively started to rub her thumb across Amanda's knee. She felt upset that her friend had come close to giving into such a life destroying habit again. Gambling had got Amanda into so many tricky and sometimes dangerous situations and she didn't want her reliving them. She dipped her face down a little to try and lock eye contact again but the deep shame Amanda felt kept her from looking up.
"I don't know". Amanda sighed and shook her head causing the waves of hair that escaped her ponytail to fall over her eyes. She ran her fingers through and pushed it back behind her ear, exhaling deeply. She really didn't know what triggered her urge to gamble again. Maybe the heightened stress of the terrible cases the unit had seen recently or the fact she felt guilty for not spending enough quality time with Jesse. She finally raised her head and met Liv's eyes.
"If you get the urge again please call me or text me. We can get the kids together for a playdate. We could take them to the park, go for lunch or something?". Olivia felt sympathetic for the young detective and instinctively started caressing Amanda's leg slowly with her hand while looking into her eyes. She felt her heart race faster as Amanda unexpectedly rested her hand on top and wrapped her fingers around her palm. They were practically holding hands as they locked eye contact for a few long, silent seconds.
"I care about you Amanda. I know I have a hard time showing it and I can come across as harsh sometimes but I can't stand the thought of you struggling or being sad" Olivia reassured sincerely. She slowly moved her free hand up to Amanda's face and swept a strand of her hair away before cupping her cheek carefully. Her stomach was flipping with a mixture of nerves and butterflies as the younger woman nudged her face approvingly into her hand and smiled lovingly. Amanda placed her hand on top of Liv's and turned her face before leaving a soft kiss in the center of her palm. Olivia pulled her hand away and wrapped her arms around Amanda, moving closer on the couch and embracing her in a warm hug. Their bodies were pressed together as she stroked her hand up and down the smaller woman's back. Liv felt Amanda relax into her hold and smiled as she felt her arms lock around her waist. They stayed like this for a few minutes, just holding each other and breathing in sync. Every so often Olivia planted a quick and gentle kiss on Amanda's head.
"You should get some rest honey" Olivia said softly as she felt Amanda yawn for the second time. She was still holding her in her arms but really didn't want to let go.
"Will you stay here until I fall asleep?" Amanda mumbled tiredly, not showing any sign loosening her arms which were still locked around Liv's waist.
"Of course, I'm right here" Olivia cooed as she laid back slightly on the couch and gently pulled Amanda with her. She looked down and watched as Amanda's heavy eyes closed. After a few minutes Liv was struggling to keep her own eyes open. She blinked harshly to keep herself awake and stroked her hand soothingly across Amanda's shoulder as she listened to her breathing getting deeper and louder. Relieved that the younger woman was finally getting some sleep, she began to gently pull her arms away with the intention of tucking Amanda up with a blanket and returning to her own bed for the night. She had just managed to release one of her arms when she jumped slightly as the blonde pulled her back against her body, groaning sleepily. Olivia felt her heart beating faster and couldn't help but smile at the fact she didn't want to let go. She happily relaxed back into the younger detective and rested her head on her shoulder. She reached carefully for the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and laid it over them. She planted one last kiss on Amanda's head before letting her eyes relax shut.
"Goodnight sweetie" she whispered sweetly, before falling into a content and deep slumber.