Here comes ANOTHER oneshot-turned-into-twoshots-because-it-was-way-too-long.
This is a Yzak/Shiho fic, but major OOC ness involved. It's like an angst fic that turned into romance and back to angst with a hint of insanity...
I re-uploaded this chapter, because this site seemed to have dropped some parts when I updated it last time. Hopefully they don't do it this time...
Disclaimer: I do not own. Definition of fanfiction.
Whatever sanity that existed in our world had completely dissipated with the war.
xoxox
"What a beautiful dress that is!"
If only I could shove burning coal down these two-faced, flattering airheads' throats, without any consequences on my side. If only I could step on the thick skull with the stilettos …which are killing my feet, btw, but such trivial facts must be ignored for the greater good of human beings, which somehow mean me looking like a delicate, good-for-nothing, innocent maiden… in hopes that something would finally get through their thick skull.
"And that hair! I've always envied how pretty your hair looks…"
If only I could tear off a part of this excessively frilly dress, and stick it in their mouth to block the unwanted noise, which would be a much more meaningful use of all this fabric that is enough to cloth half a dozen adults. If only I could pull out a few strands of their fake-blonde hair to strangle them. If only…
"Miss Hahnenfuss, you don't look well…"
If only I could breathe through the thick mask of make-up. If only I could still lift my arm with such a heavy armor of, say, lies?
"My, have you been sleeping well lately?"
If only I could be something other than a thin entity woven out entirely of falsehood.
"Miss Hahnenfuss? Are you even listening to us?"
"…Oh. Yes."
Actually, no. I was too busy envisioning myself killing you.
If only I knew where all this anger and violence was coming from.
If only I was aboard the Voltaire again, where I could be true to myself. Where people judged me for what I was capable of, not what my family name was. Where I could do other things than hollow gossip and comparing outfits.
"Look, there is Mister Joule!"
"My, does he look dashing."
"I heard that he is such a gentleman…"
Like any of you actually know anything about my commander.
If only I could stand beside Yzak Joule again, the only person who ever tried to see anything from my point of view.
If only I could convince myself to stop glancing in his direction, a deep yearning flooding me every time I thought I caught his eye.
xoxox
"That is a nice watch you are wearing."
If only I could drill my fist into that flimsy face portraying nothing but greed and dullness. If only I could pick up the nearest chair and to hurl it at every single male my age within the walls of this hall …but of course, I must not harm them because they are related to the most important personnel in the entire world and my good impression on them is much more valuable than my non-existent mental health.
"Didn't you get a new car lately?"
If only I could take out my trustworthy gun and make a few vents on their otherwise overheated brains, if there were any inside what seems to be a head. If only I could grab the cigarettes they are smoking and relocating them to their eye sockets. If only…
"Mister Joule? Anything on your part?"
If only I could breathe through the thick fog of cigarette smoke and expensive perfume. If only I could still lift my arm with such a heavy armor of, say, lies?
"We haven't heard from you in a long while."
If only I could be something other than a gold-plated slab spread a tad too thin.
"Mister Joule? Are you even listening to us?"
"…Oh, yes."
Good thing I'm insane already, or I could've sued you for harming my soundness of mind.
If only I knew where all this sarcasm and cynicism were coming from.
If only I was aboard the Voltaire again, where I could be true to myself. Where people treated me like any other insignificant person, without fake humility for my family name. Where I did not have to pretend like I was even interested in anything everyone else seemed to be.
"Look, there is Miss Hahnenfuss!"
"She looks utterly stunning."
"I heard she is a very charming person…"
Like any of you actually know anything about my subordinate.
If only I could stand beside Shiho Hahnenfuss again, the only person who would have looked at me twice without telling them who my mother was.
If only I could convince myself to stop glancing in her direction, uncontrollable desire running through me whenever I though I caught her eye.
xoxox
The noise of her 'friends' (i.e. the daughters of her parents' political allies) gossiping about the most desirable bachelor in the entire ball (i.e. Yzak Joule) barely reached Shiho. Everything was so empty…so meaningless, ever since she got back from the war. All the sweet talk and pretty appearances, and the dirty politics hidden under all of that seemed so hollow. Nobody around her shared her apathy, however. She was the only one among her 'friends' who enlisted.
From time to time, she would find herself on board her battle ship with her trustworthy commander and comrades, in a daydream she could only wish was true. Every time she was so cruelly brought back to life by things she could not care less about; did it really matter that the girl halfway across the room was wearing a shade of pink that clashed with her hair?
Nothing felt right. The richest food the cooks had to offer had no taste. The most inviting pillows brought her no sleep. Whenever the situation allowed her, she would be lost within herself, yearning, yearning, yearning.
For the tension. Action. Acceptance.
But most of all, the unfeigned, passionate, occasionally overly-aggressive, Yzak Joule.
Not too far from Shiho, Yzak was trying desperately to keep her out of his mind without avail. The fellow children of some politicians talking about Shiho the way they were doing normally would have enraged him beyond words, but her existence in the same space as him was too much of a distraction. Everything was so bland ever since he got back from the second war. After the first war, he was too caught up with his mother's house arrest and his own trial to even feel that way. But after the second war, when he had no more personal trouble to deal with, everything suddenly lost color.
From time to time, he would find himself thinking about a certain brunette who had nicked his heart right under his nose, without him even noticing until then. Her beautiful smile would not let him go, no matter how hard he tried. Not that he did; he was in no hurry to tear himself away from something he ached so much to have close.
Nothing felt right. He involuntarily had distanced himself from his old comrades. Aside from fulfilling his most basic duties, he could not bring himself to do anything at all. He would be lost, yearning, yearning, yearning.
For passion. Truth. Acceptance.
But most of all, the calm but painfully real and truthful, Shiho Hahnenfuss.
They were both turning insane, and they knew it only too well.
If only the war did not cause their fateful encounter, so they did not have to endure such an agonizing parting.
xoxox
"Lacus Clyne, newly appointed chairwoman of the PLANTS, will fly to Orb tomorrow for the signing of…"
The TV monitor in the recreation room droned monotonously in the background, while Shiho was talking with Dearka about their future plans.
"So you're quitting ZAFT?"
She nodded, fiddling with the hem of her uniform. After the abrupt ceasefire, talking to her fellow soldiers had become more awkward. The politics they had left behind started to seep into their lives again through cracks caused by eased tension.
"I don't have a choice. My parents are more than anxious to marry me off to some rich bastard. My serving in the army is nothing but a huge obstacle in their way."
"That really sucks…but then again, that's what most of us end up doing…"
"How about you? Are you staying?"
"Probably. Although…"
"Although?"
"…I wanna see how Miriallia is doing."
Shiho looked up, only to see an uncharacteristically serious look on Dearka. She had heard about the Dearka's natural ex-girlfriend …Miriallia Haww… countless times. She wondered what a girl Miriallia must have been to make this reckless womanizer lovesick.
She thought for Yzak a split second, before she forced him out of her mind.
"I hope she didn't get herself another boyfriend."
"…Aw, Shiho, way to be encouraging."
"You know I'm just joking."
They both burst out laughing so hard they did not even notice the room quiet and empty at the entrance of a certain individual.
"Major Elsman, Major Hahnenfuss…"
Their brief moment of frivolity was cut off by a stern voice. They looked to the entrance, and was surprised beyond words to see who it came from.
"Yzak!"
Dearka exclaimed, while Shiho rose to her feet and saluted her commander. She almost grinned at Yzak's grimace at Dearka's remark.
"Major Elsman,, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Commander Joule when we're working?"
"Apparently not enough yet."
Yzak sighed, and sat down at the table with them.
"You know you may sit down, Major Hahnenfuss."
Yzak said, and she just then realized she had been holding the salute the entire time. She sat down obediently.
"And what does our commander want to share with us?"
Dearka said jokingly, although his eyes betrayed him. The three had long been on first-name terms, being the higher ranking officers on the ship. It was unusual that Yzak was addressing them formally when they were alone.
"I was appointed as an official member of the Supreme Council under Chairwoman Clyne."
Dearka whistled, and Shiho just blinked.
"This means I no longer will be on the first line. The Joule Team will be disbanded, and Voltaire will either be disposed or passed on to another team."
"…Commander……"
Shiho looked at Yzak with a pained gaze. That meant that no matter what, she no longer had a place beside her respected commander…right?
Wrong.
"I also have been appointed the chief bodyguard for the Chairwoman. This means I could draft my capable subordinates to continue working under me, as bodyguards for Chairwoman Clyne. If they assent, of course."
"…Us?"
Yzak nodded, looking expectantly at the two. Dearka paused for a moment, then shrugged, but not before glancing at Shiho. She on the other hand clutched her fist tightly, unable to raise her gaze to meet with Yzak's.
"Well, Major Hahnenfuss…"
Was it just her, or was there some sort of nervousness on his part too? Was it just her, or did he seem to sincerely want her on his new team?
"……I.."
"…Shiho?"
Her face burned when Yzak called her by her first name, but that was not powerful enough to release her from her bonds.
"I'm sorry, Commander Joule, but I plan to discharge as soon as possible. As much as I would like to, I cannot continue working under you."
"…I see."
Was it just her, or was there a deep disappointment in his voice? Did she let him down, unable to meet the requirements for a good subordinate?
If so, how could she, not sufficient enough to be a subordinate, ever hope to be something more than that…a yearning that had been growing in her heart for too long now?
If only she had raised her gaze from her clenched fists to Yzak, she might have noticed he was expressing something very different from disappointment…and have gotten a clue.
Instead, she stood up and quickly excused herself from the space which had become too awkward to even breathe in.
"Yzak…"
Dearka worriedly looked at his best friend as soon as he was sure Shiho was out of earshot.
"……What?"
"You like her, don't you?"
Instead of sputtering and violently denying it, as Yzak normally should have done, he merely returned silence.
"Come on, I'm not that clueless."
"…What then if I did?"
Dearka cocked his eyebrow. The two had grown up together, but it was the first time he ever saw his best friend so…apathetic.
"Geez, cheer up! It's not like you'll never see her again."
"Oh really? Name one possible place we'd see each other again."
"…At some rich guy's birthday party?"
"No."
"Yes. You both are politicians' children, and…"
"Fine. I'll see her, but I won't be able to talk to her."
"Why not?"
"It will harm her reputation. You know how unmarried women should not mingle with unmarried men?"
Dearka could not say anything to that. As much as the society and technology had advanced so far that they were now living in space, for god's sake, the traditions and mannerisms in court still existed within their selected aristocracy. For them, the world was as rigid and uncomfortable as the Middle Ages.
"…I suppose she doesn't care much."
"Yzak?"
Yzak stood up and left the room before Dearka had a chance to clear up the obvious misunderstanding between the two.
And since that day, till the day until the Joule team was finally disbanded, Shiho and Yzak never talked. The last words uttered between them was the formal salutation between a superior about to be promoted and a subordinate who was going to discharge.
On to part 2...