Title: Visions of You – Chapter One: "Nothing."
Author: Alexis Leigh Mariano
Rating: G
Spoilers: Season 2, leading to "Can't get started". Nothing here is based on actual spoilers.
Disclaimer: Most characters, places and shindigs belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino.
Summary: When Rory and Jess talk about the kiss they shared, Rory tells Jess it didn't mean anything to her. Two months later, as she comes back from Washington and sees Jess with another girl, she realizes she was wrong.
"Nothing"
It has been almost a week since it happened. One week since I had last seen him. I had my mom informed and had her going to Luke's alone every morning. "What?" was the first thing she said once I told her. "You kissed Jess?"
I know she doesn't like him. But I do. Sort of. I don't know.
"Yeah" was the only thing I could say. So I did. Mom just went to the kitchen and sat of one of the chairs. She looked stunned. I can't blame her. I was stunned as well.
Mom said nothing. Maybe she was just exhausted – We were practically the energizer bunnies at Sookie and Jackson's wedding. Mom told me what happened with dad when we got back. I was mad; I was hurt, exactly as she was. He left us again. He broke his promise again. Soon, I'll have a little half-sibling. Soon, I'll barely have a father. When she told me, I realized what the both of us were trying to forget.
"What about Dean?" Mom finally asked, after a few moments of awkward silence. I didn't know what to say. I loved Dean, I still do. He means heaps to me. But why did I kiss Jess?
I grabbed a chair and sat on it. I thought of what to say. I knew that the answer I'll give to my mother would be the answer I will give to myself. I have thought about this situation so many times that I haven't even got the chance to come up with an answer.
I looked into my mom's eyes. I think I found the answer. "It didn't mean anything", I said. It didn't. It was just an act, triggered by how much I missed him - As a friend, of course.
I didn't lie when I said that. At least I didn't know that I did.
So, it was a week later. I haven't seen Jess since that day. I wasn't sure if I want to. I wasn't sure if I didn't want to.
I haven't mentioned anything to Dean - Not that Jess is back and certainly not the kiss.
2 days from today, I'll go on a bus to Washington DC. I'm going to spend 6 full weeks in Washington DC - With Paris. Happy happy, joy joy.
I have already begun packing. I have packed a bag full of books, along with a suitcase that is yet to be filled.
I felt like I needed to talk to him, but inside, I was hoping to avoid him until I'll be back from DC. I'll have enough time to thing about the right things to say. I didn't want to hurt him.
I decided to go and face him. One thing I had in my mind – It didn't mean anything to me.
I stopped walking as I saw him through one of the windows of the diner. I wasn't sure if I wanted to face him yet. I wasn't ready. I took a deep breath. I've made my decision – I'll face him when I'm back from DC. Fair, it's not… But it's the best thing to do. I think. I'm sure.
I was about to turn back when I realized he was looking at me. I couldn't turn back now. I just took a deep breath and started making my way into the diner.
"Hey" he greeted my when I walked in. He was standing behind the counter, holding a book in his hand. He was reading. His eyes never left the book.
He looked up at me. "Coffee?" he asked.
It was a bit annoying, seeing him trying to pretend like it was just another day, like nothing happened. He glanced at me again. I was still standing at the entrance. I haven't said a thing since I came in.
Luke suddenly popped out of nowhere and walked over to behind the counter. He glanced at me and smiled. He and my mom are still acting like 5 year olds. I smiled a bit in return. Jess turned his head to glance at Luke and gently threw the book he was holding on the counter. He walked over to me. I got nervous.
"Hey" he said again. I glanced at Luke, which sent a quick glance towards Jess and me. My eyes wandered around the room. I felt like everyone was staring at me, but no one actually did. The only person who stared at me was Jess, and I realized that I was doing anything to avoid locking his eyes with mine.
"We need to talk," I said, finally focusing my gaze on him. He lowered his head. "I know," he said in return. We just kept standing there. I couldn't speak. I haven't planned this. "You wanna sit?" he said, looking up at me. He had this half-smile on his face. I replied with a half-smile of my own, nodding my head. He started walking towards one of the corner tables. I just followed him. We both sat.
He, knowing how uncomfortable I must feel, said the first words. "You wanted to talk". That didn't help much, but it was something. "I did." I said in return. I looked down at my hands.
"I'm sorry," he suddenly said. I looked up at him, surprised. "You're sorry?" I asked. I didn't expect him to say that. "For the kiss," he said. My heart stopped. The kiss. I saw it in my mind again. I kissed him. I grabbed him and I kissed him. I grabbed him, kissed him, and he kissed me back. I pulled out and ran away. I pulled out, ran away and avoided him for a week. Now I'm here, face to face with him. I looked at him for a second, and then looked down again. "Are you sorry?" he asked. Another question I didn't expect.
I looked up at him, our eyes meeting once again. His eyes… So deep. His gaze reflected sadness, disappointment, maybe. I tried to read him, but he's no open book. 'It didn't mean anything' kept playing in my head. 'It didn't mean anything'. Just like a broken record. "It didn't mean anything," I finally said. I looked up at him. He seemed a bit hurt. "Oh." He said, gazing at the table. "It was just… You know. In the heat of the moment," I said. I missed him. My emotions swirled inside of me. I had the impulse to kiss him, so I did. That's what happened.
"Oh." He said again. He really was hurt. "Did it mean anything to you?" I asked. I was surprised. I wasn't planning on asking that, but now that I did, I wanted to know is answer. "Does it matter?" he looked up at me and said. I said nothing, gazing down at my hands again. He nodded and got up. He was hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. "Jess!" I called. He started walking away, not turning back. My eyes followed him as he walked towards the apartment. I noticed Luke, following Jess with his eyes as well. He sent me a quick glance before he got back to work.
I really didn't want to hurt Jess. He's my friend. I was hoping this kiss won't destroy what we have, but I guess it did.