Title: A Good Emotion
Author: eat-drums
Rating: K
Setting: Post Doomsday, sometime in Series three
Spoilers: Mentions of some early series three story lines
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, I just write for fun and don't make any money from this…mores the pity seeing as my computer is STILL broken!
A/N Hello everyone! Well…this is just a one shot that I wrote a while back and just found so thought I'd pop it out there. Hope anyone who reads enjoys! Please leave a review! Anyone who has read my other stuff knows just how much I love reviews!
I'm still computerless so a huge thanks to my flatmate for letting me hijack hers to get this edited and uploaded! For anyone who read 'Time to Heal', the sequel is go but don't expect to see it for at least another week due to the computer problems! 'Trapped' is also on hold, again, due to the computer probs but never fear! I will be back!
ENJOY!
A Good Emotion
'What am I doing here?' The Doctor thought as he opened the TARDIS door slowly and looked out across the barren beach. The cold Norwegian wind hit him in the face sending a chill through his body, right to the depths of his soul. He knew this place…
'Bad Wolf Bay'
He had never actually been there before. After all, when he had last spoken to Rose he had been in the TARDIS, and she had been on the beach – the same beach on the parallel earth. He exhaled slowly and wondered how he had ended up at the bay on this particular day…a year since he had burnt up a sun to say goodbye. A year since he failed to tell her what she deserved to hear.
Martha was asleep in the TARDIS following their most recent death defying adventure. He was wearing her out, barely giving her chance to draw breath, but it was all he could do to keep himself sane. He didn't have any choice but to keep blazing forwards, never looking back. That was the way he lived and the way he had always survived; by moving on. But not this time. Not with Rose. He could never really move on, because he had left his hearts on that beach in the parallel world…with her.
Rose Tyler had blazed into his life and straight into his hearts and she would be there until the end of time. He didn't pretend otherwise. But why had the TARDIS brought him to the bay; was he not tortured enough? The Doctor puffed out his cheeks for a moment scouting around the beach as he hesitantly stepped out of his ship.
Just then a flash of white flickered at the corner of his eye. It was a piece of paper. He stared at it for a moment, blowing in the wind, muttering about humans and their littering before the said piece of litter hit him smack in the face. The Doctor tore it away angrily and was just about to let it blow back into the wind when he saw that it was covered in writing…the handwriting was hauntingly familiar.
"Rose…?" He muttered, questioningly as he fought to flatten the paper against the TARDIS door, the wind flapping it around in all directions. The very idea that it was a letter from Rose, stuck in a parallel world, was absolutely insane but there it was, beginning with three little words:
My dearest Doctor…
The Doctor gasped, his eyes widening. It was impossible…but he didn't care. He grasped the edge of the paper, fighting a losing battle with the wind as he saw her face flash in front of him…Her face the last time he saw her, eyes shining with love, her makeup smudged with tears. He shut his eyes and heard her voice…all those suppressed memories flooding his mind.
After a moment he shook himself, and quickly pushed the TARDIS door open. He rushed to the rickety chair and held the letter in front of him, losing himself in the contents and imagining that he could hear her voice once more…
My dearest Doctor,
I don't know…I don't know why I'm sitting here writing this letter when you will never get it. It has been one whole year since I last saw you here – at Bad Wolf Bay. I told myself, after you disappeared, that I would never come here again, but here I am. And I know now, Doctor, that I will return here on this day every year for the rest of my life. I can see you frowning at me now, telling me to move on, to have a fantastic life and I want you know that I'm trying, I really am…but in my heart I know that my life will never be truly fantastic without you in it. And that's OK, because I don't want it to be. I want to remember my time with you as being the best time of my life. I wouldn't have given it up for anything – I hope you know that.
After we were separated at Torchwood I started my life again. I refused to fall into a pit of despair because I knew you wouldn't want me to. I lived for you, for the memory of the time we had. Part of me still hoped that you would find a way to get back to me, for us to be together again, until you started calling to me; bringing me here…to the place where I saw you that last time. Why couldn't you tell me, my Doctor? After all we'd been through, all we shared…It broke my heart all over again, a part of me died right here on that day. I know that's not you want to hear…but it's true.
Things are better now. Torchwood is amazing in this universe – not like the evil bunch of bastards in our world. I've got a really high ranking position. I'm one of the top field agents in the institution and I get called all over the place to help out. It's a wonderful job and it helps me keep hold of a part of what we had. I love being a defender of the earth – after all, this dimension hasn't got you to keep it safe so someone has to. It's not always enough, though, you know? It's not quite enough to do it all without you…and I don't think it ever will be. I loved leading the life you do but I want you to understand that the reason I always stayed wasn't because of the adventures and the travelling. The reason was you. It was always you.
So, I hear you say 'What about Jackie, and Pete? What about the little one?' Well, mum is on top form. I've never seen her so happy…she and Pete are wonderful together and baby Matthew makes them very happy. He's almost three months old now and a little terror but I love him to bits. Pete is a brilliant bloke, but he's not my Dad and I'm not his daughter. Never will be. You were right about that. We still have a great relationship, though, and it's nice to be part of his family.
What else can I say? Oh I know…you'll wondering about Mickey the idiot. You'll be wondering whether we picked up where we left off on that day that I left him and ran into the TARDIS? Of course not you daft Time Lord! What me and Mickey had was never gonna last. I think he knew it was over long before I did. He's still a brilliant friend though, and guess what? He got married last month! Isn't that fantastic? I was bridesmaid. The girl he married is called Martha, Martha Jones, well…Smith now! Imagine that – Smith and Jones! Heh heh! She's a lovely girl, training to be a doctor. You'd like her a lot – she's got a tonne of attitude and she's a laugh a minute. We met her under the most extraordinary circumstances. Me and Mickey were sent to the Royal Hope hospital in London to deal with this renegade plasmavore. It all got a bit complicated and we ended up on the moon (don't ask!). As it turned out, Martha saved Mickey's life, I saved her life and then it rained…on the moon! Bet you can't top that, Doctor – raining on the moon! It was incredible…though I wished that you were there with me, holding my hand as we laughed about it all…
Anyway, after that, Martha became involved with Torchwood and she's completing her medical training with us and hopefully she'll be a specialist Doctor to help us ailing field agents when we get into a spot too much trouble.
So, Mum's got Pete, Mickey's got Martha…and as for me, do you really have to ask, Doctor? I would hope that you know a girl doesn't make a promise of forever lightly. I meant it, pal! There hasn't been, and there never will be, anyone else. Don't furrow your brow at that…because, if you're reading this, I know that you will be! It's a fact, Doctor. I can't help it. For the rest of my life there will only ever be you, and that is my choice, so don't be saddened by it, please. As for you…I hope that you find someone nice to travel with. Who did you think you were kidding when you told me that you were going to carry on alone? Whoever he/she is (I'm guessing she), I hope they keep you on the straight and narrow and stop you from being too lonely…though I think I'm allowed to be a little jealous of whoever she is, don't you? Heh heh.
I know you don't look back – the only way you survive is to keep going forward, but I hope that you will never forget me. I hope that my faith in one true love forever isn't wasted on you. Please remember Doctor. Remember all the good times we shared, every joke, every smile, every hug. Talk about me to your companions, present and future. Let the memory of us live on that way so that it will truly be forever. And most importantly of all, my Doctor, remember me with a smile. I remember dark and lonely days when I would see your face in my dreams and cry for the loss of what we had and what we never could have, but now I think of you with a smile…because the time we shared was truly the best time in my life. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
And so here I am. Alone again…but I often like it that way these days; it gives me time and peace to unlock those precious memories of you and think about what you're doing now. I sit here with my TARDIS key around my neck and my old mobile in my jeans pocket. I know I will never see you again, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that I will. I hope you understand that, my Doctor, if you ever get to read this.
I want you to know that you will always be my Doctor and I will always be your Rose. You were my best friend in the entire universe, and so much more too. There is a special place in my heart that is locked away just for you, and it always will be. FOREVER.
I love you
Rose
The Doctor blinked, feeling the tears fall unchecked down his cheeks. He swore he would never cry again after he lost her…but here he was, crying over her once more. The letter was heart wrenching and beautiful. It made him feel awful and wonderful at the same time. Such conflicting emotions. In his minds eye he saw Rose sitting on the beach, chewing the end of the cheap biro she had, no doubt, written the letter with. He smiled.
"Thank you…my Rose."
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Rose Tyler walked slowly down the sand to look out across the sea as the sun set. The time of year had called her, once again, to Bad Wolf bay. Another year had passed, two whole years since she had seen his face for the last time, yet the memory of his intense gaze still burned her inside.
It was a year since she had written the letter. She thought it was stupid at the time but now she realised that writing to the Doctor, getting out all her feelings on paper, was just what she needed. It didn't matter if he never read it, she knew he never could, but it made her feel better all the same. She could remember every word as clearly as if she had written it yesterday…and every word was still true.
She glanced behind her to the jeep parked near the steep road onto the sand. Martha Smith, formerly Jones, sat patiently behind the wheel. She and Rose had become close friends and Rose was glad of it. She told Martha all that had happened to her, and all about the Doctor. She confided in the other woman, telling her things about the Doctor and their relationship that she had never told anyone before. Martha had offered to make the journey to Norway with Rose for moral support, to which Rose had replied, initially, no; it was something she had to do on her own…until Martha said: "Is that what your Doctor would want? For you to be on your own?" That had worked, and so here she was, once again…
Rose exhaled slowly as the memories assaulted her, the sad ones first but she brushed them quickly away, focusing on happier thoughts as she remembered feeling his hand squeeze hers, fitting together just right whether it was the rough, possessive grasp of his ninth incarnation or the gentler caress of his tenth.
When she opened her eyes she thought she was dreaming. She blinked, once, twice, but it was still there…blowing towards her in the wind: a crumpled piece of paper. Rose ran forward and made a grab for it, a flicker of hope in her heart, even though she knew that what she was wishing for was impossible...it was probably just an old chip wrapper that someone had left on the beach. The wind beat the paper around, threatening to snatch it away from her…the day was blustery and harsh, so unlike the day last year when the evening sun and the gentle breeze wrapped gently around her as she composed her letter on the sand.
Rose quickly looked the paper up and down. The writing was squashed in an effort to write as much as possible on the one sheet, but she knew that hand anywhere. Her breath caught in her throat. The impossible had suddenly become possible…She ran back to the jeep and leapt inside, quickly silencing Martha with a look and losing herself in the letter, hearing him speak every word inside her head.
My Rose,
I'm not going to begin to pretend I understand what is going on…but a year to the day that I spoke to you for the last time, I find myself here…Bad Wolf bay. I got your letter Rose – I don't know how, and I don't care. I got it. Thank you.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. The chances of this getting to you are approximately 525,000,001 to 1, but who am I to say it's impossible when I'm holding an impossible sheet of paper right here in my hand? So I'm going to throw it into the wind regardless and hope it finds you, not too long after you sent yours. I wish there was a way that we could be together again – I need you to know that if there was any way of getting back to you, I would. I mean that.
Where do I begin? I suppose I should start with my life. You said that your life could never be truly fantastic without me in it…I just have to say – me too. But I want you to know that I'm alright – I'm carrying on. It was just me and the TARDIS for a long while…I needed to get away and pull myself together. I blamed the universe for tearing us apart so cruelly and I had no desire to save anyone or see anything. Everything had lost its wonder – it all became black and white. I let myself fall into that pit of despair that I made you promise never to fall into…you know, do as I say, not as I do! That may be difficult for you to hear, but that's the truth of it.
Anyway, after a while I got dragged into stopping a rebellion on a planet in Delta 526x and started to get back into the swing of things. I realised that just because I thought my life was over, everything else kept going, and I needed to as well. Then, I found a new companion. It was completely by accident, when I wasn't looking for someone. She saved my backside. She's put up with a lot from me, actually, because it took a long time for me to let her in properly...the first thing I told the poor girl, when I let her into the TARDIS was that you and I had been 'together', and that she wasn't replacing you. Then I just kept on promising her one more trip, one more trip…until finally, not long ago, I gave her a TARDIS key and agreed to let her travel with me. I feel a bit of a git a lot of the time because she lives in your shadow…and she knows it, but I can't help it. I'm sorry.
So, getting past the depressing stuff, you're not gonna believe this, but she is a medical student called Martha. Martha Jones. How amazing is that?! Parallel Martha! AND guess where we met? At the Royal Hope hospital, on the moon! Yep, it rained on the moon with me too… How bizarre is that?! And I wanted, more than anything to share it with you.
But what's this Rose Tyler, thinking you can better me? Humph! NEVER! insert insane laughter here Well…first of all, the sonic screwdriver got crushed! It was terrible…but then I had to absorb this radiation and managed to shake it all into my shoe. So I took off one shoe but then I looked stupid so I took my other one off. That's right – I was BARE FOOT on THE MOON! It was…fantastic! You'd have laughed so much. I looked like a complete dork!
Anyway…Martha sounds just like Mickey's Martha, though this one has apparently got better taste in men. I shouldn't joke really, I feel so guilty about it…I think she's, you know, 'falling for me'…but she doesn't really know me. That was the thing about you Rose – no matter how little I told you, you always understood me. I didn't need to explain – you understood…I miss you so much.
What else can I say? We've had quite a few adventures, Martha and I…met William Shakespeare – he flirted with me! Met some witches…very Harry Potter. Umm…oh, Elizabeth the First wants to kill me, but I don't know why yet – can't wait to find out! Went to New Earth again and saw Novice Hame, but she's reformed now and she was looking after the Face of Boe. That wasn't so fun…he died Rose. And he told me his secret…and it was 'you are not alone', but I really don't understand what it means. As I told you before – if any of my people were alive I'd know…oh well, just one more thing to add to my great list of the unexplained! So much has happened and I wish I could tell you about all of it but I'm not risking a multi page letter…if one bit gets through it will defy the impossible…and I don't want to miss the chance to tell you what's really important…
You will always be my Rose. I will never forget you – don't think for one nano second that I will. No-one will ever replace you. No-one ever could. You will always be with me in my hearts, and I want you to know that I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to stay with me forever, even if there is no such thing. You made me believe in forever, Rose. You saved my life so many times, in so many ways. You saved me in every way a person can be saved, and you are why I keep fighting. The memory of you is what keeps me strong. I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me.
People will always travel with me and befriend me – but I will never love anyone like you. I have never loved as I love you. And there you have it…that is how I really should have begun, both this letter and our last meeting on this wretched bay. Heck, I should have told you long before it came to that…Rose Tyler, I love you. I love you and I always will, until the end of time. I'm sorry I can't actually say these words to you, but I want you to know that I mean them with both my hearts.
Never stop hoping, Rose. I rather like hope…hope is a good emotion.
I love you,
The Doctor
X
P.S. I'd get a mortgage with you…any day.
Rose let out a breathy sob as the tears streamed down her face. He loved her…he missed her…he'd get a mortgage with her. His letter told her everything that she always hoped he would say to her but never did. She wiped her eyes and smiled…In her head she saw an image of the Doctor shaking radiation into his shoe and then prancing around barefoot on the moon. She laughed. "Thank you, my Doctor." She whispered, clutching the letter close to her heart and looking out into the distance as Martha prodded her in the side, impatiently.
"Rose? Rose? What is that?" She pointed at the crumpled piece of paper.
Rose looked at her friend and smiled. "Hope."
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A/N If you get a minute please leave a little review! Reviews make me happy!