I woke up screaming as usual. My nightmares had been mirroring my life for some time now. Before he left my dreams were full of bright colours and of course, Him. I Dreamt of a meadow - our meadow. All I saw now was darkness- nothing. My life was continuing but I was dead inside. I didn't see anything or feel anything now. I lay in my bed and thought about the day ahead. It was Sunday - the worst day of my week. I stupidly did all of my homework on Friday night before going to bed. It had been a difficult week due to the fact that Mike and his family were on vacation in Montana and the store was closed until they came back. I needed to keep my mind of things and calculus did exactly that. We had started a new section and I supposed that I could do some reading ahead today. Swatting up seemed to be my signature now.

Not wanting to put off the inevitable, I rolled out of bed. My clock said 08:30, which was practically a lie in for me these days. I picked out clothes - jeans and a thick blue sweater. As I pulled the sweater over my head I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. It still shocked me when I looked at myself. My skin was so pale it was nearly translucent, I had dark circles under my eyes and my chestnut hair was still pulled back into the messy ponytail I from last night. Even my hair had lost its life. I supposed that it was an outward sign of my internal emptiness. No wonder people looked at me like they would a sick child. I looked like I needed sympathy. The pain I felt in those first few days… Determined not to break down and have an episode, I walked into the bathroom and quickly set about brushing my teeth vigorously.

I made it downstairs before I broke down. No matter what I did to hold the agony off, it always came back as raw as before. I grasped the counter to stop myself collapsing and tried to take some deep steadying breaths. When I finally felt calmer I grabbed an apple and left the house, grabbing the keys to my truck and my library books. I didn't read anymore though I was determined to keep up the act that I was recovering. I mean it had been three months one week and five days. I pulled out off the driveway and decided to concentrate on the road ahead of me. Winter was well and truly here and the roads were icy and wet. For a while it wouldn't have worried me - He wouldn't have let me crash and nothing bad would ever happen to me. Now though, I needed to focus on keeping my clunky truck on the road.

I arrived at the library and took my books out of the passenger seat, determined not to remember who had last sat in that seat. Inside the old building the warmth and the musty smell was oddly comforting to me. After leaving the books off, I drove to the grocery store and picked up some food for Charlie's dinner. I didn't remember coming home but I was halfway through making lasagne (Charlie's favourite meal) when he arrived home. I was 16:30 - much to early as I wasn't expecting him home until 17:30. When he walked into the kitchen he looked awful. "Hey Bells. Have a good day?" he muttered in a falsely happy tone. "I did. Is everything alright? You look terrible." I said while putting the lasagne dish into the oven and turning to look at him. "I nearly crashed into a tree on my way to the station after lunch. Shook me up a bit. I don't think you should be driving on these roads, honey. I hear that most people aren't letting their kids up to the school until at least some of the ice melts. Great , I thought. Now I would be stuck in the house and I had already completed most of the following weeks homework and tried to look ahead in trigonometry. "Well I guess it might clear up over the next few days anyway. You shouldn't miss too much in class." Charlie said as he looked into the oven at the lasagne which was starting to cook. "Looks great bells! Ill just go and get a quick shower before dinner then." he said and he walked out of the kitchen. I nodded though he didn't see me. I sat at the kitchen table and tried to think about what I could do to fill up some of my time. I guessed that I could do laundry and then housework. I was glad that I hadn't been spending much time doing chores recently what with homework and school. The Newton's store had been closed too. Mike had been talking non-stop about visiting his aunt and uncle in Hawaii. He was annoyed that his parents were tagging along though - I thought that maybe he was expecting to find a girl over there. I was pleased that he had gone. He was one of the few who had not yet forgotten that I was even in class now. Sometimes the teacher would miss out my name on the register - I never bothered to correct them.

I decided that I shouldn't sit here thinking anymore. It wasn't good for me. I stood up, walked up the stairs and shut the door of my bedroom quietly. I knew that I was behind on my emails to Renee so I switched the computer on and grabbed a book while waiting for it to start up. The whirring noise of the outdated computer comforted me, broke the silence. I was halfway through the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice when the welcome screen had finally come up. I typed a long and exhaustive email to Renee that I hoped would satisfy her. I knew that she would be worried about my not replying. I found that I didn't have anything to reply to her with. My days blurred so much that I could hardly remember what I'd make for dinner last night - how could I describe my day without her jumping on a plane and taking me to the ever-sunny Florida with her? Leaving here wouldn't help things at all. At least when I was in Forks I knew that he was real, that all of the things we did together where real and not purely imagination. How could I convince myself that it had really happened if I had no reminder of him?

I got up and flipped the switch and headed downstairs to set the table for dinner. We ate in silence and I washed up quickly, in some sort of rush that I couldn't figure out until I was lying in bed waiting to fall asleep and to start my nightly screaming. I was eager to fall asleep, to get the nightmare over with. I didn't want to dread it anymore. What was the point when it would inevitably happen again and again and again? I shut my eyes and let the horror consume me. I wouldn't bother screaming anymore.