Author's Note: This fic is all in good humor and I am not here to snub the Zutara ship in anyway. I just wanted to write a nice, clean parody =) Reviews are always appreciated, but please no pairing flames. Thank you to Decidedly Odd for being such an incredible beta. And thank you all for reading.

Cake and Egg Plants

Summary: Toph attempts to understand the phenomenon that is Zutara. Everyone else gets it. Why can't she?

Disclaimer: I own nothing here. Okay, maybe I stole a few things, but I've returned them to the creators.

-1-

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but this just feels right. He was lost and hurt and confused before; I believe I helped him realize why he was truly put on this earth. I just happen to have that effect on people. I love him. Opposites attract. If you mix water with fire, what else can you expect but steam?"

Suki stared at Katara with wide, sparkling eyes. Toph crossed her arms in X formation as if she was about to be mummified and plunged her body beneath the earth.

"Toph? What are you doing?"

"I've decided to bury myself alive."

-2-

"Oh, Zuko," said Katara. "When I said, 'We better not see you again', I really meant, 'We better not see you again… without your shirt off.' Isn't that right, Toph?"

While Sokka and Aang exchanged looks, Toph stood up. She grabbed Sokka's collar. "If you cared about me at all, you would kill me."

-3-

"Why would we be angry with him? He's a total girl magnet. We should be worshipping him." Sokka wrestled with his dried meat, gnawing and grunting like a wild saber tooth moose lion.

"I knew I never had a chance with Katara anyway. I'm only twelve." Aang gave her a bright and toothy smile. Toph felt like punching him in the face.

"I'm even thinking of acquiring some sort of facial deformity," said Sokka. "War scars, girls love that. I'm sure Suki would approve. Maybe not a scar, though. Stitches? Across the eyebrow? Or a black eye?"

"Sounds good," said Toph. She punched the air and the cracking sound of rock colliding with Sokka's face resonated like music to her ears.

-4-

"Iroh, do you really like this pairing? I mean, be honest with me because I absolutely cannot believe this is happening."

"My nephew deserves to be happy. Katara makes him happy. Therefore, my nephew deserves Katara."

Toph paused. "Is that your opinion or are you giving me some sort of math lesson?"

"I think you have to stop and consider the dynamic of their relationship. They keep each other balanced. They are yin and yang. Push and pull. Twi and la. Dark and light. Water and fire. Air and earth…."

Twenty minutes later.

"…cake and egg plants. Right shoe and left shoe. Tea and every beverage known to man."

It took Toph a few minutes to realize the listing had stopped. She sat upright and twiddled her thumbs thoughtfully. "Did you just compare Katara and Zuko to cake and egg plants?"

Iroh smiled. "Indeed. They are polar opposites."

"Zuko is the egg plant?" Toph asked grinning.

"Yes."

-5-

It took eight hours, a lot of earthbending and all her strength, but she finally did it. She had finally managed to break into a fire nation prison. No, it wasn't on a volcano. But at least she didn't have to disguise herself as a stupid guard to get in.

Twelve-year-old prison guards probably would have looked suspicious, anyway.

"What are you doing here?" asked Mai in a long droning voice. She was obviously ecstatic.

"I came here to talk. You're not going to rat on me, are you?"

"Why would I do that? This is the most exciting thing that's happened in a while."

Toph needed some time for that to register. Mai sounded bored out of her mind. "I need to ask you about Zuko and Katara."

"I have nothing to say about that low-life."

"That low-life used to be your boyfriend!" Toph pointed out.

"I meant the Water Tribe peasant."

"Oh. Okay, fair enough. You can't possibly approve of your ex-boyfriend dating Katara, that Water Tribe peasant, right?"

"I'm happy for them."

"You're WHAT?"

"Keep your voice down. You're so hyperemotional."

"Well, you're so under-emotional!"

"You mean emotionless?"

"I know what I meant."

"About Zuko and Katara. It's fine with me. He needed a waterbender like her to tame his inner wildfire."

"I can't believe this. You're nuts. You're all nuts."

"If it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you. Just turn a blind eye to it."

"Hey, is that some sort of crack?"

"No. It's an idiom."

"You're an idiom!"

-6-

"I think I'm in love with her."

Toph cried out. "You think you're in love with her? You really should think things through first and then once more for certainty."

"You sound like my uncle."

"I don't know if you realize this, but that's a compliment. If you told me I sounded like Sokka, I'd kick you where the sun won't shine."

"Sokka is at least being reasonable about this. Considering the fact it's his little sister and that I used to hunt them down for a living, he's being very understanding."

"But, why her?"

"She tames my inner wildfire."

"Here we go."

"It's always been her. She's always been the one. I want to tell my grand-kids that their grandmother and I fell in love while being held prisoner underground at Ba Sing Se. Romantic right?"

"Morbidly so."

"She was the only one I let touch my scar. I never let anyone touch my scar. Not even Mai. I let her touch my scar and something magical happened."

"Is scar a euphemism for something?"

"I think it's because you're jealous, Toph. Because after our journey, after I become Fire Lord and Katara becomes my Fire Lady, you will be alone."

The last line hurt Toph. It was true. After their adventures, there would be no one to live happily ever after with.

"Or you can be my mistress," offered Zuko. "Your choice."

End Note: Thank you for reading! I hope that put a smile on your face, at the very least! I will update if inspiration strikes, but for now, it is merely a one-shot. Please review!