Hey Everybody,
I am new on the ACOTAR scene even though I have been a fan for a long time. I forgot how much I love fandom and sharing my work with everyone. I used to write heavily in the Hunger Games sphere, tons of naughty and fluffy Everlark, which I welcome you all to check out. I took some time off from Fandom to write 'professionally' and get paid and while I still enjoy that writing, nothing is as invigorating and rewarding as being a part of Fandoms I love and writing Fics for people who love these characters as much as I do. For now I'll be writing lots of Feysand, Elrial, and Nessian until Sarah J. Maas can convince me otherwise ;). Please comment and let me know you're out there. Hearing from all of you puts a huge smile on my face and pushes me to keep creating for you all. That's the best form of payment as far as I'm concerned.
Happy reading!
Lulu
A Court of Silver and Thunder
#
Rhys
I squint at the sun while the dry wind whips at my hair. I wish I could pull out my wings and soar threw these canyons far away from the living nightmare I feel stuck in. I already left the hell that was the war with Hybern but mentally I'm was still struggling. Especially now, with Feyre in Tamlin's territory. That's something of an understatement. I'm not struggling, I'm a mess. Every instinct, every logical cell in my brain is yelling at me to get Feyre. To find her and get her out of the Spring Court. At least this was just a day trip. It still feels too dangerous. She might be pregnant for cauldron's-sake and she's in Tamlin's territory. The small part of my brain that isn't busy searching the horizon for my mate reminds me why it's so important she went. There are innocent people who are now stuck on the border of a war torn land. And my mate couldn't live with the fact that most of the other courts had closed its borders to the refugees. I happen to agree with her.
"These were people who cared for me when Tamlin turned abusive and Lucien just stood by." She said as she packed a bag of weapons. "Alis and her family deserve to come to the night court. They shouldn't be holed up in these tent cities. None of them should."
And she was right.
These people were a byproduct of war, of a miss managed court, by a high lord that put his own irrational needs before that of his people. They only wanted a new place to start. We were already providing the aid we could. It wasn't easy though. We were one of the farthest courts from Spring and frankly we didn't have the most stellar of reputations. I don't think that had ever bothered Feyre, until now.
Az, do you have an update? I ask, mind to mind.
Of course, Feyre would kill me if she knew I was here. Waiting for her. Having a mild anxiety attack. Tamlin may have been broken the last time I saw him but I had a strong inclination that when he bounced back his fuel would be more along the lines of self righteous anger. Or worse, vengeance. A vengeance I was terrified would be aimed at my mate.
She's still helping her pack up. They're getting ready to winnow. So far all clear.
I was supposed to be meeting with the Autumn court. Attempting to get them to reopen their borders. I was supposed to be negotiating. Something at which I usually excel. Unfortunately, all it took was ten minutes for the deal to fall through. I was not going to agree to stand by while Autumn invaded the human realm. If we thought we had a refugee crisis with the Spring court, winnowing out humans to safer territory would be a full blown catastrophe. It would be like cutting off my entire leg in an effort to save my foot.
How are things going with the Illyrians? I ask Cassian.
All the puppies are still whining.
And Nesta?
Why do you think they're all whining? I can hear the smile in his words.
How bad is it?
Well. The males are taking turns keeping the women circling high above the camp. None of them will come down unless Nesta is in the house.
I smirk. I should have brought my sister in law in to terrorize that lot the second she was turned Fae. Would have lessened a large headache this past year.
After another twenty minutes, I can't take it anymore. I cave.
Need some help? I purr down the bond.
We're about to winnow. It's bad Rhys. It's really bad.
Something I can do?
No. We'll talk about it after I get her settled.
I love you. Be safe.
In that moment Feyre winnows in front of me holding who I assume must be Alis. The little Faerie is slightly hunched over and seems like a ghost, like the kind of ghost Ferye was after leaving under the Mountain.
My mate walks the few steps over to me and gives me a hug. I can feel her exhaustion, her sadness.
"Alis, this is Rhysand, my mate."
Alis's eyes widen imperceptibly as she takes me in. She knows who I am and while she seems to still trust Feyre enough even with her title of High Lady. I still clearly make her nervous.
"He's going to winnow us to Emunah, the city of faith. The place I was telling you about."
Alis gives the slightest of nods. I wrap my arm around my mate, put a hand on Alis's shoulder and then we're off, twisting through the space between realms.
The smells of fresh cut pine and clean laundry drying in the wind greets me first. Then the sounds of Emunah, our newest settlement, city of refugees sings through my ears. Nails being hammered into wood, gulls singing over head, and the bustle of feet trying to find where they are meant to go. This place turned out even better than I imagined.
"So I want to do something." Feyre said, coming into our bedroom.
I looked at the clock, it was two am. "Are you not busy enough?"
She sticks her tongue out at me. "I mean for the spring court."
My eyebrows lift up my forehead.
"For the refugees I mean. Tamlin is clearly not, he's clearly not, well, leading. And I just feel…" She sighs. Coming and sitting down on the mattress. "I feel guilty."
"We've talked about this. You were too easy on Tamlin."
"I don't feel guilty for what I did to Tamlin. I feel guilty for all of the innocent people who are stuck with no home, and no where else to go. With summer enacting quotas on the amount of Spring court citizens who can come in and Autumn closing their borders all together…"
"We haven't turned down a single member of the spring court who has come to us seeking shelter."
"I know that. But it's not like that many are coming here."
"We are the farthest court. And our reputation doesn't exactly help."
"I want to open up our doors to them." She chews on her lower lip. It is…distracting.
I take hold of her hips. "We're going to need a bigger estate."
"I mean it." Her hand rests on my shoulder. "I want to give them shelter, I want to help them. Get them back into homes. Get them work. Allow them to move on. All of them."
"That is a beautiful dream."
"But not a reality." She says, disappointment weighing down her words.
"I didn't say that. Not at all. It's just a lot. And with Velaris still rebuilding and the Art studio taking off…"
"I know that. And I know it's bad timing with us…trying."
"If you want to wait. If you want me to start taking the tonic again…"
"No. No, I don't want that. I just, I need to help them."
"We can increase the aid we give to the tent cities on the border."
"I want to create a new town, city, for them. I mean, a place they can start over. Here, at the night court."
"Is there somewhere you had in mind?"
My mate smiles.
Feyre has that same smile on her face as I blink away the memory. She is holding Alis's hand and slowly taking her up the steps of a small cottage we had assigned to her. I follow behind them brining up Alis's possessions, a sack of clothing and a few teapots by the feel of it. An entire life… narrowed down to a single sack. My heart goes out to the pain of what Alis and all the others have been through, still have to go through and a wave of love and gratitude go out toward my mate. My kind mate who even through her own struggles of trying to heal from the war needed to reach out and save those who had no one left to fight for them.
"And the kitchen has running hot water and cold, so does the bathing room." Feyre says, turning on the lights in every room.
Seeing Alis in the light reminds me of when Elain was first made, when she would stare out the bright window but no matter how much light came in nothing could fill the shadows off her face. Luckily, my sister in law was able to find a way to move past those first hard weeks, I hope Alis will as well.
I lean against the front door of the two room cottage, noting the little tweaks I wish I could make to the floor plan. It's a good design over all. Open sitting area that leads into the little kitchen with a dining table by the window. A bedroom and bathroom off the main wall. And a little porch in the back overlooking the bay. It was a good decision to build Emunah close enough to Velaris that we could check in when we needed but far enough away that our secrets could remain protected, at least long enough to make sure that those who came seeking shelter wanted to stay long term. Or wouldn't feel tempted to speak to any family or friends who may be in other courts about it. After all, with Hybern dead and the queens who knew the secret either dead or in hiding, well, Velaris needed some more time to heal before deciding how to answer the question of it's existence to outsiders.
"You can of course go to the market with your weekly stipends but if you're hungry many of the different farming and fishing organizations rotate hosting communal dinners. They give out a lot of great information to. Help people find work." Feyre looks over Alis's pale face.
"They're actively hiring cooks and housekeepers. When you're ready of course."
There's a pause as Alis takes in her new surroundings and gives my mate a hug.
"Welcome home. We hope you'll like it here." I say. Feyre comes to me, taking my hand.
"Thank you." Alis whispers. I take that as our cue to go.
As we walk down the lane of cottages, all in different bright pastel colors, many still in the process of being painted to their new residents preferences, Feyre leans her head against my shoulder.
"They were killed in the attack on Adriata. Alis's sister and her family. The younglings. Everyone she had left. By the time she made it to them they were gone."
I feel a punch to my gut as I hear this news. Getting the book of breathings seemed like the most necessary path forward at the time, and of course it was but, the summer court was still punished for our actions, my actions.
"I'm so sorry for her loss."
"Me too. I couldn't understand why she would go back to the summer court but that's when I realized she didn't have anywhere else to go."
"Now she has a new home. Thanks to you." My lips brush her forehead.
We turn onto the main street, the only one that is currently paved. Spring is finally here but a light chill remains on the breeze as it sways the white flowered trees that line the sidewalk. Elain comes into view on the steps of the Town hall building, the one that also acts as a distribution center and trade school.
"How was the class?" Feyre asks her.
"Good. It's great getting to work with so many experienced farmers. They ask such insightful questions about the different species that grow here. The seasonality of the crops."
"Anyone interested in the opportunity to buy farmland?" I ask.
"Many." She says, still not looking me fully in the eye. Even after all these months my mates sister still doesn't seem particularly comfortable in my pressence.
The wood stairs creak as Azriel approaches holding multiple heavy looking feed sacks.
"Where would you like these?" he asks Elain.
"Over by the distribution area. Thank you." She says, a small smile on her face. She has no trouble looking the shadow singer in the eyes. Interesting.
"I think with such a mild spring it would be good to start with a diversity of produce to try and get key minerals into the soil for this crop cycle." Elain says.
"It's a great idea." Feyre says.
I've got a situation over here. Cassian tells me, mind to mind.
On my way.
"There's some stirrings going on in the Illyrian camps. I told Cassian I would head his way." I say to Feyre. Azriel catches my eye and simply nods.
"I'll finish up here with Elain. Will I see you for dinner tonight?" She asks me.
"Wouldn't miss it." I say, leaning in to kiss my mate. I'll never get tired of this. Of her. The ability to love her so openly, so completely and know that she loves me just the same in return.
Over Feyre's head I see Elain smile and touch Azriel's arm before he winnows away.
Also Interesting.
#
Elain
Rhys and Azriel disappear and then it is just Feyre and I on the wide planked porch of the town hall. The wind blows the scent of newly churned earth and sawdust our way and I inhale deeply feeling fulfilled. Happy, even.
"You don't think this has anything to do with Nesta do you?" I ask, worrying the pillows of my cheeks.
"No." Feyre says too quickly. Our gazes meet. "I hope it's not. There's certainly enough going on up there that it doesn't have to mean it's a Nesta issue."
"I guess we'll know soon enough."
"That we will."
"My speech on Spring sowing went well this morning. I had forty people come listen to me speak."
"That's fantastic. Really."
"They asked if I could make it a recurring event, like a seminar or something."
"Is that what you want?" I can almost sense Feyre's excitement.
"I think so. I love the idea of being able to teach what I know. I'm thinking about planting a community Garden and I can hold class out there."
"That sounds like a great idea. We should get it on the calendar." Feyre says, in that distracted way that tells me that she's mentally talking to her mate.
Lucien flashes briefly through my mind. If I accepted the mating bond would we be able to speak like Feyre and Rhys do? A rotten taste fills my mouth as I imagine sharing all of my most intimate thoughts and secrets with Lucien. It's not that I don't like Lucien I just.. I don't know him. I'm not sure if I want to get to know him.
"Why are you frowning?" Feyre asks.
I quickly paint a smile on my lips. "Was just thinking." I say, as I pick up the small bucket of tools I brought to my talk today. "Are we ready to go home? I promised Nuala that I would help plan the menu for this week and would love to get a head start on it. Especially with Starfall coming up."
A wistful look passes over Feyre's face at the mention of the Night court holiday. "Yes. We definitely want Starfall to be special this year."
I grab at her hand and shut my eyes tight as we squeeze through time and space and stop at the front drive of the estate.
My shoulders relax as I walk through the courtyard of the home Feyre and Rhys created. The trickling of the fountain as its waters cascade over the silver and copper river stones greets us while we walk through the front door. I can't wait for the bougenvia I planted along the back wall to bloom.
I bid Feyre a farewell and head over to my own room. My sister and her mate were generous when planning my own quarters, making sure that my second floor bedroom looked over the garden. It even has it's own little balcony so I might sit out on my own and look at the city and winding Sidra. The room itself is perfect with a canopied bed and a delicate flowered wall paper. I leave my shoes and dress at the door not wanting to track dust and dirt over the hand tufted rug.
I turn on the taps in the tub only letting it fill part way. I still can't submerge under the water but over these past months have been able to come up with a routine to keep any anxiety at bay. I look at the window and into the garden beyond. My gaze settling on the stone bench in the corner. The same spot where my eyes have been journeying too often as of late.
Tears trickle down my face as I squeeze the pruning sheers closed. She didn't even say goodbye. She just sat there in her anger looking at me like I was the enemy too. Like it was my idea for her to go to the mountains. For her to leave all of us. I knew we had been drifting since the war ended. Something had been badly broken inside of Nesta and no matter how much I had begged she refused to open up. She wouldn't talk to me.
A shadow falls across the flowers and I look up to see Azriel.
"May I?" He asks, gesturing to the bench beside me. I nod and then turn my head to subtly wipe my eyes.
"I wanted to see if you were alright. This morning was unfortunate."
He means it was unfortunate when Nesta said 'You're no better than they are.' Before being winnowed away. It was her response to my 'I love you.'
"Oh I'm fine." I say, going back to my immature tulips.
"If it were me. I would not be fine."
"I just can't get over the feeling that I failed her somehow." I swallow. "That after years of having her as my protector I couldn't manage to do the same when she needed me."
"It's hard. Trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It's an impossible position. I'm sorry it's one you have been placed into." He says.
I nod. The gentle truth in his words feels like a caress. "It is. But I know Feyre feels it also. So why is it so much harder for me?"
"I think the decision weighs heavy on Feyre. But from what I have been able to see of the three of you, Feyre has always been the most independent. And Nesta the most guarded. But she's always had you. Feyre has had longer to accept Nesta's nature, to accept that she doesn't have as much of an influence with Nesta as she would like."
"Do you think the decision will eventually stop bothering me?"
"No. But I think, I hope that by being in the mountains, by having a purpose, even if it's just to terrorize some stubborn Illyrians, that she will be able to come to terms with her pain. Maybe even manage to let you back in."
I inhale and let the peaceful silence that Azriel brings with him envelop the moment. These moments with Azriel have somehow morphed into my favorite times in this new body, this new world. He gives me a small smile, one that starts at his eyes and then hesitantly travels to his mouth. All too soon though his face goes blank in that way I've come to realize means his shadows are reporting to him.
"I need to go report to Rhysand." Azriel says.
Before I can consider what I'm doing my hand shoots out and holds onto his. "Thank you for coming."
Azriel's fingers ever so gently squeeze mine in return and he looks at me. I am always taken aback by the beauty of him. The sharp lines of his cheek bones, the thick black lashes that surround his eyes. His full lips.
"My pleasure, Elain Archeron." He whispers.
The way he says my name has my lungs contracting, my toes curling. I'd like to fly with you. I want to say. I'd like for you to hold me while I lose my breath and leave my fear back on the ground.. I don't say these things though. It's pretty obvious that Azriel is in love with Mor and even with her being away on the continent, I don't think the Shadow singer would be interested in exploring the feelings I have for him. Because I have to admit what I've been dancing around these past months, that I do have feelings for him.
"Sometimes I sit out on my balcony." I say, before he can leave. "Everyone else in the house is occupied but if you ever wanted to stop by. I wouldn't mind."
"Tonight?"
"That would be fine."
"Than I'll come." He squeezes my hand one last time before he winnows away.
My fingers caress my hand as if I can still feel the warmth of his palm. After leaving the bath, I dress for dinner pulling out my favorite blue dress. Every night that he's been in town since that conversation in the garden, Azriel would meet me on my balcony. Voices sound from the dining room as I come down the stairs and I allow my steps to quicken. Rhys is here and if Rhys is here than Azriel must be here too-
"Good evening, Elain." Lucien says.
"Oh. Hi." I say, my gaze hitting the alabaster floor to hide my disappointment. "I didn't know you were back."
"Just visiting for the night. I leave for Vassa's lake at dawn but wanted…" He frowns. "to come have dinner with all of you."
A tight smile spreads across my face. Feyre looks on, her own lips tilted up as she watches us. Like he might decide to take me into his arms. Like I might decide to accept his suit. To accept the bond. As though time is all that I needed to realize that Lucien is my destiny. When in reality all time has done has made me more confused as to the nature of bonds, to the rules of this new fae body, to deciding whether to move forward with what's expected of me or to take a risk and defy that expectation. To reject a bond that I never wanted or asked for. When in truth I haven't actually explored if Lucien would be right for me.
"So how have you been?" he asks, taking a step toward me.
"Fine. Thank you." I say, taking a seat on the raw silk sofa.
"How has your garden been?"
"Fine. I planted new seedlings a couple weeks ago."
"That's nice." He looks at me as though he expects me to say something else.
"I haven't been tending to it as much of late since I've been teaching, well, giving out seeds mostly, to the refugees from Spring."
"The Refugees from Spring?"
"Well the ones who have settled in Emunah at least."
Lucien looks at Feyre but it's her mate who answers, stepping into the room. "Ferye took it upon herself to create a settlement for those who were stranded in Spring when Autumn closed their borders. She and Elain have been working hard to make sure the new night court citezins can feel settled, setting up housing for them, living stipends, education to assist them with new or modified careers."
"Does Tamlin know?" Lucien asks and then frowns as if regretting mentioning the name of Feyre's ex-fiance.
"I don't really think it's Tamlin's business. Clearly he hasn't felt that those people were his concern." Feyre says.
I keep quiet and watch Lucien open his mouth and then shut it.
"How long do you expect to be away?" I ask him.
I feel a wave of gratitude deep in my chest and know it comes from him. "Hopefully no more than a few months. But Vassa's time is up and Jurien and I have agreed to escort her back and hopefully negotiate her release."
"How is Vassa?" I ask, just to have something to say. I don't actually know her. I haven't even spoken to her. But she knew my father and for that reason alone I feel a connection to her.
"She's well." He says. A feeling of nervousness but also affection comes down the bond and I wonder if I'm not the only one who has developed feelings for another over these past months. Just as quickly the emotion is gone as if I imagined it's presence. As if I was trying to spin a narrative about something I wanted. "She is frustrated to be no closer to ensuring her freedom. But well." The warmth and smile in his eyes makes me doubt my earlier thoughts.
Nuala comes in and whispers something to Feyre.
"Shall we sit? Dinner is ready."
I focus on cutting the venison on my plate into smaller and smaller bites if for no other reason than to avoid having to make further conversation with Lucien. Words do not flow freely between us. The ease that I have developed with the others seems to have had the opposite effect with Lucien. The difference between us widening like a canyon. Feyre and her mate do what they can to fill the silence but with Nesta and the Illyrians off in the mountains, this dinner feels more like a terrible moment of forced courtship.
"Am I too late to join everyone?"
My head lifts as joy shoots threw me. Azriel's gaze meets mine, and then moves on to Rhys and Feyre before finally landing on Lucien.
"Of course. We saved you plenty." Feyre says. Rhys snaps his fingers and another place setting appears next to him, at the head of the table. Far from me. When I drag my gaze away from him Lucien is looking at me while his magical eye asseses Azriel. I look away and go back to my food, burying my joy at Azriel being back deep within me. A thought goes through me that makes me nervous. I wonder if Lucien can feel my emotions the way I can sometimes feel his. If so what did he make of my joy of seeing Azriel. Does it even matter?
Later that night, after an awkward moment where I bid Lucien a safe voyage and he informed me that he would be spending the night. I snuggled on the chaise on my balcony looking out at the stars.
"Can I join you?" Azriel asks me, leaning against the rail.
A slow smile spreads across my face and I don't try to hide it. "Please."
"So dinner was…"
"Agony."
A surprised laugh comes out of him. "I was going to say interesting."
"I feel just as distant from Lucien as I did the first night we met. And that is worrisome."
"Why worrisome?"
"Well, he's my mate, I'm expected to try and make it work. I'm expected to try but it's, not easy."
"Who expects those things of you?"
I tilt my head. "Well everyone, don't they?"
Azriel's gazes bores into me. "Not everyone. Rhys didn't expect anything from Feyre. He was even going to let her marry somebody else. Even after that relationship ended he still didn't declare the bond, he didn't expect anything of her."
"But they still ended up together."
"Because they love each other, not because they're mates."
"But what if that's something that's supposed to come later? The love."
"Well, you could go find out."
"What do you mean?"
"He's walking into the garden now, he's about to throw a pebble at your window."
"Oh."
"Find out what it is you want. Call if you need me." He says, and winnows away, leaving behind nothing but shadows.
A second later a pebble hits the window directly above my head. Walking to the rail I look over to see Lucien. He has one arm raised as if to throw another pebble and drops it as soon as he sees me. "That was faster than I was expecting."
"I was already sitting outside."
He nods. "Would you, uh, could I, would you like some company?" He asks.
I nod. "I'll come down."
After pulling on a dressing robe and taking the stairs down I enter the back garden. Lucien is there, waiting for me. "Shall we walk?"
I nod. Following him down the garden path, heading toward my favorite walk on the grounds, the one that leads to the view of the rainbow of Velaris. The gravel grinds beneath my slippers and it's the only sound that breaks up the silence between us. The Rainbow is alive and glowing tonight, if I focus I can almost hear the joy pouring off of its streets. I'm envious of the rainbow. I miss being that vibrant, feeling that kind of joy.
"It's beautiful, I'll give them that." He says.
"That it is."
"It's amazing that it can still be like that, after everything. After the attacks, what it's gone through." He's looking at me now. The way the words spill from his mouth makes me think that he's not talking about the Rainbow. Not really.
"It's hard to say. I had never been to the Rainbow before it was attacked. I don't know what it was like before."
Lucien's foot grinds against the gravel. "I'm sure the Rainbow still struggles to grapple with what happened to it, probably still mourns the parts of itself it lost."
"Or maybe the Rainbow is realizing that it's been completely changed. And even if it may feel joy at times, takes pleasure in the routines, it'll never go back to what it once was." It strikes me at just how sad this thought is. Just how sad my words sound as they carelessly dance from my mouth.
"Do you think the Rainbow is stronger for it?"
"Maybe. But I think we both know we're not talking about the Rainbow." Whether we were talking about him or me though. That was still up for question.
"No. No, we're not." He crosses his arms over his chest.
I take a deep breath and decide to say what I came out here to say. "I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me."
"Why what's been so hard for you?"
"This. Talking to you."
"You went through a lot of changes. You needed time, I understand that."
"I've had time." My lips smile tightly as I aim to be kind. "I know there's no going back to who I was. I have accepted that the life I once thought I'd have is impossible now."
"But?"
"But that hasn't made me…" Want to get to know you better. I think the words but can't speak them out loud. They seem so hurtful even to me. Even if that's not my intention. "want to look toward the future."
Lucien nods his head. "I can wait. I will wait."
"I know you will. But I'm not asking you too."
Lucien's eyebrows go up and he nods his head. "Are you telling me you want to be left alone?"
"What do you like about me? What draws you to me, besides me being your…mate." Calling myself his mate in front of him feels strange, off. Like meat that's turning rancid.
"You're beautiful." I frown at his words. "And you're calm and gentle, and a part of me just wants to be around you. It doesn't really matter who you are I want to be around that person."
My eye lids shut briefly. "I appreciate the honesty."
"But it's not what you want to hear." Lucien lets out a sigh and then pinches the bridge of his nose. "Give me the chance to know you. Give yourself the chance to know me. That's all I'm really asking for."
"Is that true? Is that really all you're asking for?" I put my hand on his arm. "Because I hear you asking for my time. My attention. For this magical, instinctive link between us that carries the weight of eternity to guide me into being courted before I'm ready. I'm not ready."
Lucien places his hand on top of mine and squeezes. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes. Okay. I'm not being deliberately obtuse. I can feel the difficulty between us. It's not coming naturally, the bond, a friendship, something more. Whatever you want to call it. And if war and this experience has taught me anything, it's that I can't force it."
I pull my hand away and turn back towards the manor. "Then okay."
"I do ask one thing." He says, falling into step beside me. "I'm not asking you to wait for me but I do ask that when my travels may take me to the night court that, well, that you'll see me. That you don't reject the bond just yet. That maybe over time, over the years, I'll change, or you will?"
"I think that's a fair request."
He smiles at me. "I was hoping you would say that."
"You were hoping I would say you could court me." A wave of embarrassment went through me. Did I really just say that to him?
Lucien lets out a single breath that could maybe be described as a laugh. "Also true. But I can live with this alternative."
Lucien walks me to my door and wishes me a good night. When the door closes behind me a feeling of relief and sadness hits me in equally powerful bursts. I walk back outside and sit on my chaise. The moon has a blue hue to it tonight, tinting the shade of darkness. It must be later than I usually stay up at this point. But I'm not yet ready to go to bed.
"Is it too late for our usual talk?" I asked the shadows in the fire end of the balcony.
A moment later the shadow singer appears leaning against the same railing he had vacated an hour or so before.
"I have trained myself to not need much sleep. The result of which is that even on night's where I could take the time to sleep were I inclined to, it's still difficult."
"What keeps you awake?"
"All manner of things." He seems to sense that I'm waiting for him to elaborate. "The problems with the Illyrians. The situation on the border of Spring and the Human Realms. Retaliation. Other such things the shadows bring to my attention"
"What did the shadows report to you about my conversation with Lucien tonight?"
"I sent them away. It didn't seem polite to pry. I try to give privacy whenever possible."
"Are you curious?"
"Your discussions with the son of the high lord of Autumn are your business."
"That's not an answer."
"I'm curious." He says and then flinches ever so slightly like maybe he didn't intend to say so.
"He asked if he could court me formally." Azriel's expression didn't change and yet I sensed more than saw a tension in him. Maybe it was the brief tightening of his hands on the rail. I just knew. "I declined his offer."
His eyes met mine and I saw the question in them.
I gather up all of the courage I have within me. "His is not the company I crave."
Azriel's mouth opens just as I see a shadow snake up his ear. It seems to whisper something to him. As a light breeze comes in from the West, Azriel freezes.
"I'm sorry. There's a situation I have to attend to. Please excuse me."
And just like that with my heart laid bare on the balcony of the night court, he's gone.