All I Ever Wanted
After everything he'd been through. After everything he'd lost... Bethany, Carver... his mother...
After all the enemies he made to defend his cause. After all the fighting with his comrades and all the hostility that had resulted from it.
And after he'd finally been able to find love. Even if it had been an apostate mage - one of the people he most hated.
It had all resulted in nothing but more pain for him. Hearing those words he was furious.
"I'm a liar. I'm a monster. I never claimed I'd do anything but hurt you."
How could he say such a thing? After everything he'd done for him? Even though they never came to agree on the matter of mages and templars - as Anders obviously sided with the mages and Hawke sided against mages all the time, not agreeing with the templars but not fighting against them either as they were working for the same cause as he was - they still loved each other. Or at least that was what Hawke had believed. Apparently that wasn't true though. Apparently Anders had just been using him.
Using him. Because he let his guard down this one time - intentionally to let love in, not this. Not this justice that was not sincere. Or at least to him it wasn't.
"Or should I have told you the truth! There's no one in Kirkwall I wouldn't kill to see mages free! How would you've reacted to that!"
You would kill me as well?
Hawke thought but he didn't say the words out loud. He was sure, however, that Anders would be able to see the question in his eyes. The question that was so important to him now. The question it was all leading to.
Are you sure you even ever really loved me?
He wasn't able to speak the words. Why did he have to be so weak around the mage? This was turning into a disaster, Anders had said it before as well, he already knew it. But he wasn't strong enough to turn his back on the apostate.
He wasn't willing to fight for mages. He might have done it for his sister - but his sister was dead now. Gone. Like all of them. And his mother taken by a mage. A mage. Something that could have been prevented if the circle was actually working the way it should.
But nothing was actually working the way it should, especially not the situation he found himself in at the moment.
And that's when he came out. Hawke wasn't surprised.
Anders' eyes were glowing in a clear blue. Justice growling from within him. "Leave! This does not concern you!"
"Justice I presume. How nice to see you again." Miserable, it was miserable.
"Go! Anders has no need of you!"
"Why don't you just kill me right on the spot if you want me gone?"
Another growl and then the glow was gone and it was Anders speaking again. "What was I saying..?"
Hawke stayed silent.
"Being with you, loving you, I thought it would make a difference..."
There it was again. That word: Love. What a liar.He thought, but he wasn't able to say it.
"But justice is too strong... I tried my best. Please don't hate me for failing."
He looked so confused, so hurt, so breakable.
It was anger that crept up in Hawkes body and took control of him. "You are right. You ARE a monster." Anger, let it all out, blame him. "The only mistake I ever made in this stupid city was to trust you Anders!"
And then he broke down. "Why does it need to be you? Why...?" It was only a desperate whisper.
Anders laid his hand on Hawkes shoulder and tried to comfort him, but Hawke brushed it away angrily.
He doesn't love me.
"Kill me Anders, Kill ME. Because if you don't I swear I will hunt down every single apostate in this god forsaken city and I'll hand them all to the circle, or on another thought I'll just kill them on the spot. But I promise you I will not let you do this. And in the end, I swear, it will be you who will be sorry." He took a deep breath. "I'm sick and tired of you. I thought we shared something, do we not? Do you not love me?" He looked away.
"Don't answer. I already know the answer. Not that ANYONE here ever cares about me anyways."
And with those words he left the clinic, leaving behind a devastated looking Anders.
It was obvious Anders wasn't able to understand him. How could Hawke, being a mage himself, turn against his own people? But had Anders ever cared to listen to his reasons?
How much he hated himself for what he was? How much he hated to see his sister suffer from her burden? How much he hated his family having to hide and to flee all the time? How it was magic who had stolen his family and even the slightest possibility for a normal life?
And all he could do to forget about this burden for a little while was to go on killing, go on arguing, go on with not caring about anyone.
Mages shouldn't be free. Magic shouldn't exist. Oh, how he wished it didn't exist and how he wished he could get rid of the magic in his own body. But it wasn't possible and so he used it as good as he could. Against his own kind.
And as if it wanted to mock him for being the way he was his healing abilities, which were actually his best abilities, were never strong enough to really save anyone when needed. He hadn't been able to save his sister when she was killed by that ogre. He hadn't been able to heal his brother when he was infected by the blight - instead all he had been able to do was kill him to stop his suffering. And in the end he hadn't even been able to save his mother out of the grasp of another mage.
The magic inside of him was a virus. It did nothing good. He hated it. And he turned that hate against anyone able to use magic.
Except for... Anders.
And he didn't know why. But the first time he met the mage he instantly fell for him. Even though he soon learned about his true nature - having a spirit of justice inside of him and all that, he couldn't help but notice his charms as well.
And so he made it his task to protect him. From templars and from himself.
But now it seemed as if he was going to fail this task as well. Yet another person dear to him that he wouldn't be able to save. How ironic.
He was the Champion, he was meant to protect this city. But how should he be able to do that? While everyone was just loading their own problems onto his shoulders nobody noticed that he wasn't even able to deal with his own.
Not able to save anyone, not a single one, why should he care about this city? He wanted to leave. He wished he could, but he couldn't. Anders was still here, it was not too late yet. He would make him love him. He wouldn't give up on him.
But he wouldn't side with the mages either, he already knew that. There had to be a middle way.
He didn't want to lose the one he loved, but he didn't want to betray what he'd believed in for all his life either.
If he couldn't be able to convince Anders that the circle was needed to protect mages from themselves then it was all lost.
But how could he make him see? Hadn't every mage they had to deal with in Kirkwall turned to blood magic as soon as they had been free? And not only to protect themselves. For their own desires, for power.
And yet all Anders had to say about that had always been 'you can't blame every mage for the doing of a single on.'
Not a single on. He thought to himself. Every mage we had to deal with up to now. Merill included, you included.
Though Anders hadn't really used blood magic, he still had a spirit inside of him that seemed to be turning into something way worse than any demon he'd ever encountered. And his so called spirit of justice, who was trying to fight for mages had already turned against his own people before.
How could Anders say that he was any better than any of them? How could he claim mages had to be free, if he himself was the best example of why they shouldn't be free?
How could he not see?
Sometimes Hawke thought he was the only mage with some sense to him here in Kirkwall. Apparently everyone else was simply insane.
Sebastian had been right when he warned him about Anders. Anders didn't think about anyone but himself, he didn't put anyone above his so called cause.
And if he had to he would turn against Hawke as well, he was sure of that.
He didn't want to go home yet, so he walked around Kirkwall a bit. On his way he meet Isabella and let her drag him to the Hanged Man.
Apparently everyone was there, except for Anders of course.
Hawke had to smile. Even though he didn't agree with most of their opinions they were still friends. They still cared.
He gave Sebastian a friendly pat on the shoulder and sat down next to him.
"So what's going on here? Did I miss someone's birthday or something?"
"Oh, nothing really. I just invited everyone to a friendly drink and they came. Well except for your dear mage. Slammed his door shut right in front of my nose. You really have to take better care of your lover Hawke." Isabella smiled, apparently she meant it as a joke, but he could only sight.
"It must be hard." Sebastian said consoling.
"I don't know what he's plotting. But I already know I'll be sorry for trusting him when we learn about it..." Hawke replied, looking at them in an apologetic way.
"Don't worry Hawke. We'll never hold anyone's doing against you. You are already doing the best you can, more than anyone should expect of you and they still expect it." Sebastian smiled.
"Yes, thanks." Was the only thing he could reply.
"If you ask me we should kill that abomination, I swear that would be the best for all of us." Fenris spit, but no one said anything to his comment, knowing Hawke wouldn't do that, no matter what happened.
"So how about a round of poker?" Isabella laughed.
"The kind that ends in everyone being without their clothes except for you?" Varric replied mockingly.
"By the maker!" Sebastian cried out, blushing.
"Oh please, Sebastian. You are a grown man. Stop being so shy about all the fun adult topics, or we'll need to transfer you to the children table." Isabella continued mocking him. But Hawke wasn't in the mood for this much sociability. He needed to be alone, and some sleep. Why was he so tired all the time? Must be the stress, he thought.
"Well, have fun guys, I'm heading home."
"Wait what? You didn't even finish drinking your beer." Isabella looked at him disappointed.
"We can have fun together some other time." He winked at her and waved at the others as he left.
"Can't wait!" he heard her yell after him and then he was already outside of the Hanged Man.
As he entered his house and went to his bedroom he couldn't be more surprised. Anders was standing there with an unsure look on his face, apparently waiting for him to return.
"I was worried you wouldn't come home anymore." He said softly. "'I'm sorry for what I said earlier..."
Too quick. Hawke thought. This comes too quickly, something must be wrong.
"Look Hawke, I'm sorry for what I am, but I'm unable to change it. And I really tried, you know that. I tried ignoring Justice, but I can't. This is something that has to be done and I'm the only one who's able to do it."
Déjà-vu. "We've already been talking about this Anders. What's the point in talking about it again?"
"What you said made me think. And earlier we didn't talk, we argued and I don't want to argue with you that's why I said I was sorry. I mean it." Anders looked at Hawke insecurely. "That I love you wasn't a lie. I know we will never agree about what each of us is doing, but that doesn't mean that we can't be together." He looked away for a second. "Unless you meant that about killing every single mage in Kirkwall..."
"Not unless you meant that about killing everything, including me, for mages." Hawke gave back and couldn't suppress a bitter undertone in his voice.
Anders didn't reply. "We will never be able to agree." He finally replied evasively.
"We agree on that though." Hawke said sighting and sat down on the corner of his bed. His remark cast a light smile on Anders lips.
"All you need to know is that I love you and that nothing I'll be doing is meant against you. You are still important to me..." Anders started again.
"Look." Hawke interrupted him. "Unless you want to tell me what you are planning to do, how about you just stop telling me things concerning it as well? There's nothing I can reply to it as I don't know what I'm replying to." He sighted again and with that sounded so tired.
"All I know is that I love you and that I need you or else I would have turned against you a long time ago. And I know that I don't know why that is, or anything else." He slowly shook his head. "Let's... come to bed Anders. I don't want to talk anymore, I'm talking rubbish already." He looked at him nervously. "Unless you want to leave that is."
"No." Anders replied quickly. "I'll stay by your side this night."
Hawke smiled at him.
He still didn't know what to make of all of this, but the most important part was that Anders was here with him and that was all that mattered at the moment, everything else could still be decided tomorrow, or on a later day... If we still have that much time.