Nothing could describe the sheer mortification and disgust that John and Sherlock both felt as they stared, horrified, at the film poster in the cinema.

"That one!" Rosie said imperiously as she pointed a finger at said horrifying film poster. "I want to see that one!"

Sherlock Gnomes.

Sherlock Gnomes!

SHERLOCK GNOMES!

Sherlock and John blinked dumbly in unison before they turned to exchanged horrified looks. "Mycroft!" John hissed viciously. "This is all Mycroft's doing."

"Obviously," Sherlock sneered.

Over a year ago Mycroft had managed to convince the pair to sell the rights of their story to a film industry. It was a lot of money that would keep them living comfortably without them having to take the boring, paid, cases instead of the exciting, pro-bono, actual murders they both enjoyed. They had agreed without giving it much thought and now this was the result….

Sherlock Gnomes!

Urgh.

"Please Daddy!" Rosie pleaded as she widened her eyes and pouted adorably. "I want to see Uncle Sherlock as a gnome!"

Sherlock spluttered indignantly at that.

"I don't see why not," Mrs Hudson said cheerfully, "it sounds like it would be a lark."

"It could be," John nodded, though he very much doubted that it would be, "and it's better to see it ourselves before all of Scotland Yard does."

"Like I care," Sherlock muttered.

But there as only so much big, wide, innocent, blue eyes gazing up at Sherlock pleadingly that even Sherlock could take and before any of them knew it they were sat down in a dark screening room with Rosie firmly settled between John and Sherlock with the popcorn in her lap.

Predictably it didn't start of great.

"Why am I an old fat man?!" John complained. "Was that really necessary?"

"They used that hat," Sherlock grumbled sulkily, "I hate that hat."

"Shh!" Rosie hissed sternly. "No talking!"

John looked repentant and mumbled an apology while Sherlock merely glowered at the screen murderously.

Then Moriarty the Pie Boy appeared on the screen.

"Pfft!" John slapped a hand over his mouth. "Oh God!"

Sherlock trembled as he bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from giggling like a schoolboy. He managed to succeed for the grand total of three seconds before he met John's gaze and the pair of them collapsed in their seats in hysterical laughter.

"Daddy!" Rosie gasped excitedly as Gnome! Watson's cane extended out and helped saved the day. "Does your cane do that too?!"

"No, sweetie," John replied softly, "mine is just a normal walking stick."

"But it would be incredibly helpful if it did have a couple additional improvements to it," Sherlock mused to himself, "I shall have to look into it."

John sighed as he had a sinking feeling their flat was going to be covered in blown up remains on walking sticks for weeks now.

"Daddy!" Rosie gasped again. "Why does your gnome self look so sad there?!"

"I don't know, love," John said patiently, "you'll just have to wait and see."

Sherlock, however, shifted uncomfortably.

It didn't take a genius to deduce where the plot of this film was going. Obviously John's gnome self felt slighted and unappreciated by Sherlock's gnome self, and was going to go out on a quest to prove himself worthy. Most likely, Gnome! Watson will be the antagonist of the film, the new Moriarty, and Sherlock Gnomes will have to battle against him.

The thought was incredibly unsettling

Sherlock had a newfound hated for this film.

There was a lot of boring bits about two new characters called Gnomeo and Juliet (Urgh! Sherlock rolled his eyes in disgust. How insipid!) before they eventually got back to Sherlock Gnomes, John Watson, and –

"WHAT?!" Mrs Hudson shrieked. "THESE PEOPLE THINK I'M A WHAT?!"

"SHH!"

Mrs Hudson waved a dismissive hand at the rest of the audience that sat around them as she narrowed her eyes furiously at the cow garden ornament that was supposed to be Mrs Hudson.

"A cow!" she huffed irritably. "Why I never!"

"Don't worry Granny Hudson," Rosie leaned over to pat Mrs Hudson's hand, "I know you're not really a cow."

Sherlock and John did their very best to not meet each other's eyes because if they did they had no doubt that they would collapse into more childish giggles which would doom them to months of cold tea, no biscuits, and increased rent.

"When I find out," Mrs Hudson muttered to herself darkly, "who exactly is behind this monstrosity I shall make them wish they were never born."

(Meanwhile, on the other side of London, a chill went down Mycroft's spine. He paused for a moment in his work and recalled a cherished moment many months ago where he insisted on creative control over Mrs Hudson's character. Worth it! He thought smugly before he promptly went back to his work.)

"Is that a Blind Banker reference?!" John perked up as their gnome counterparts ended up in a Lucky Cat shop. "How nice."

"Not really," Sherlock sneered, "The Blind Banker was a thrilling case involving smuggling, murder, and the circus and yet the only thing the filmmakers deemed worthy to mention was the Lucky Cat shop. A strong criticism, I think, on your writing ability there John."

"Oh," John grumbled, "shut up!"

"Witty as usual."

"Shh!" Rosie said sternly. "I'm trying to watch!"

John smiled indulgently as he mimed being quiet while Sherlock continued to scowl at the screen. The quality of the film worsened as they promptly killed John off five minutes later.

"Daddy!" Rosie whimpered.

"Hush, love," John stroked Rosie's hair reassuringly, "its okay. It's just a film. All make believe. I'm okay, see?"

"Still!" Rosie sobbed.

Yes, Sherlock agreed silently, still!

He didn't like this new twist one single bit.

The film continued to get uncomfortable as once again someone decided to imply a romance between Sherlock and the Woman much to his everlasting annoyance.

And then it was revealed that John was the bad guy.

Just as Sherlock predicted.

How dull!

The speech Gnome! Watson gives about being underappreciated really crawled under Sherlock's skin. Because the film had a valid point, John was crucial help to Sherlock solving the case. He couldn't do it all without John watching his back and wasn't sure how he managed before John had come into his life.

Though he would never say that upon pain of death if he could help it.

And then it turned out that the real bad guy was Moriarty all along.

John and Sherlock groaned.

"Typical," Sherlock muttered to himself.

"God," John moaned, "I hope this doesn't mean Moriarty is going to turn up again anytime soon."

"Oh!" Mrs Hudson shivered. "Don't jinx us, John!"

There was an action sequence that kept Rosie on the edge of her seat and Sherlock squirming in discomfort as he was reminded far too much about falling before the film finally ended on the usual clichéd, corny, happy ending.

"Well!" Mrs Hudson beamed. "Apart from the whole cow mishap, I thought that was quite entertaining."

"I liked it," Rosie chirped. "Daddy looks very silly as a gnome!"

"Thank you very much!" John huffed teasingly which set Rosie off giggling. "It could be worse I suppose," he grinned sheepishly, "at least we can laugh at it."

"Hmmph!" Sherlock scowled. "I don't think I'll be laughing anytime soon."

John's face softened though the amused glimmer in his eyes remained. "Don't tell me you took that rubbish seriously," he teased. Sherlock said nothing as he kept an impassive gaze firmly fixed ahead of him which John took for as a yes, and instantly placed a comforting hand on Sherlock's shoulder. "You know if I'm feeling particularly underappreciated I'll let you know with my fist," he said reassuringly as he squeezed Sherlock's shoulder, "I'm not the type for over the top schemes."

"You are more brawn than brains when you're emotional," Sherlock agreed, "and that film was too stupid for words."

"Exactly," John grinned, "so you can stop sulking."

"I wasn't sulking!" Sherlock snarled.

"Oh," John laughed, "you definitely were!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Boys!" Mrs Hudson cut in exasperated. "Think of the example you are setting young Rosie here!"

Sherlock and John smiled sheepishly as Rosie giggled. "Daddy and Uncle Sherlock are naughty!" she declared.

"Very naughty," Mrs Hudson agreed, "never copy them, Rosie. You're better than that."

Sherlock and John spluttered indignantly at that until they were finally slid into a taxi cab and Ms Hudson and Rosie had long changed the subject between themselves.

"Still," Sherlock murmured, incredibly bothered by the sheer idiocy that he had witnessed this last hour, "zero percent chance of a break-up?"

John grinned as he reached for Sherlock's hand. "Zero percent chance of a break up," he said firmly.

"Urgh, Granny Hudson!" Rosie complained. "They're doing it again!"

John threw his head back and laughed at that and Sherlock couldn't resist joining in.

He was still going to make Mycroft suffer for this though.

(Meanwhile the entirety of Scotland Yard filled their local cinema up for the tenth time this week alone as they savoured every second of Sherlock's humiliation. They all couldn't wait for the next press conference where they'll present him with a Sherlock Gnomes action figure….)