Dogstar
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Sirius's first memory was of standing under the Winter Sky, wrapped up in furs and cradled by his father's warm hands, staring up at the bright stars in awe.
"See that, Sirius?" Orion whispered in his ear. It was only them, no Walburga, because she didn't like the cold. "Do you see that star that shines so brightly?"
Because he was the son of the Black family, he knew his star charts before he knew his alphabets. He looked at the bright arrangements and felt breathless and wondering.
"Yes, father," he answered dutifully.
His father smiled and he knew that he had done a good job. "That is your namesake," he was told. "The Sirius Star, the brightest star in the Canis Major Constellation. Visible in the Winter Sky. It is the brightest star in all the constellations."
He had felt some small measure of pride then.
"So," he said slowly. "I outshine everyone?"
Orion laughed. "Of course that's what you get from that."
His hair is ruffled before he could pout.
Nowadays, Sirius doesn't feel much like his namesake. He doesn't feel bright or cheerful or even a guiding hand. He feels mostly like something found under the sink and better off tossed in the trash.
Mostly, this was because of his mother, and his brother, Regulus. Orion, getting on in years and moving slowly in the house, was his only ally in things, but it was difficult. So very difficult. It was a careful balance of wanting to confide in someone and being careful because his father was going to get a haemorrhage if he told him everything his mother and his brother did every day.
Crying at his father's side as Orion slept under a potion-induced sleep was something else. His father was there and most likely deaf, but it felt like he could still hear and it made Sirius feel better anyway.
"I'm going to Hogwarts tomorrow, Father," he whispers. "And Mother told me that I have to be in Slytherin or else she's going to ..." He swallows his words. It felt terrible to say it so he tried something else. "I worry for Regulus. He's too young to remember you other than how you are."
That was another difficult thing to think about. His father had been such an active, easily amused man before he got ill and never got better. Most of Sirius's formative years were done by his father than by his mother. Regulus had forgotten most of everything father taught him.
"I miss you...dad," he said softly. So softly, because saying it out loud hurt and made the words sharp enough to bleed on.
He allowed Orion's hand to linger and rub on his hand for a moment longer before he inhaled sharply and left.
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Sirius didn't look at Walburga as she hissed sharp instructions, straightening his robes all the while. It was all pretence, because every other parent was doing the same thing, or nearly the same thing. Orion was there, walking on his cane but his eyes were glazed and heavy under the influence of the pain relief potions. Sirius half-wondered what Orion saw as he looked around the crowded platform.
"I'm going soon, right?" Regulus demanded by Walburga's elbow.
She nodded at him distractedly. Sirius took the opportunity to skip away from her focused attention. He usually took special pains to avoid it. Being scrutinized by his mother made him feel like a thousand things crawled under his skin.
"Share?" he asked the black-haired boy already in the compartment.
The boy gave him the same once over Sirius already gave him and nodded. He could tell he was a pureblood. They had the same tailor. With a quiet heave, he placed his trunk on top of the compartment and took a seat, wondering if he should sleep, read or eat. He really should ask the other boy's name though.
The compartment opened again and a redhead girl entered, along with a boy with long, greasy hair. Sirius felt his nose wrinkle in disgust before he could help it. He really couldn't help it. He'd been spoiled by house-elves and a clean environment. He'd never before seen anything like it.
Both of them were talking. Something about the Hogwarts Houses. That made him think again of his mother's threat. Slytherin or else. He didn't even like to think about the 'or else'. His mother made really good on her threats.
"...get into Slytherin," the greasy boy was saying.
...What?
Someone actually wanted to get in that House willingly? Sirius felt his hackles rise.
"Slytherin?" he interrupted without thinking about it. "Who'd want to go there?"
The conversation spiralled out of control from there, and the girl and Greasy left him alone with James Potter. The one Pureblood family that his mother had a strong opinion on.
"Freaking Potters," she'd ranted once. "Can't call them Blood Traitors. Muggle-sympathizers. Pureblood enough, but so wrongly affiliated that it isn't even funny."
"Sirius Black," he finally said, wary of the reaction. Anyone who'd heard of his cousin Bellatrix Black would rightfully avoid him. Nevermind that Andromeda Black was kinder than anyone he'd ever known.
James didn't bat an eyelash.
"Ah," he only said. "All of them Slytherin, yeah? Must be some pressure on you."
Sirius felt himself relaxing. "Like you wouldn't believe. I don't pity my brother when he finally goes. He'll be the last of us nutters."
James stifled a chuckle. "You can't mean that," he said, though he looked delighted.
Sirius was half-way into the conversation when he realized he'd finally found someone that didn't care that he was one of the insane Blacks and appreciated the spontaneous, easily amused humor that he'd inherited from his father.
"Gryffindor, you said?" he asked when they were changing into school robes.
James smiled. "Potters don't all go to Gryffindor and my parents do care, but Dad went there, even if Mum was a Ravenclaw."
If he wanted to keep James as a friend, he'd have to be in a House other than Slytherin. He'd follow his new friend anywhere. The cold and hungry feeling below his collarbones was absent when he talked to James. Their conversation reminded him of when his father was aware enough to carry a topic with him.
"I'll see if I could do it," he whispered, though at the back of his mind, he thought of his mother's threat and felt a cold shiver climb down his spine.
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.
Sirius was happy in his House, but some things needed thinking about and he'd never really gotten out of the habit of walking to clear his mind.
The cold helped too and he ignored the snow crunching under his boots as he headed to the middle of the Hogwarts Lake. It was cold enough to have frozen over and there was nothing blocking his sight from the stars.
"Hello Sirius," he greeted his namesake as it winked merrily at him. "Merry fucking Christmas."
The star didn't answer, though he felt better just by being under its light.
"I know I'm just delaying the inevitable," he said. Pretending to be confiding in the star always worked when he had no one to talk to anyway. He'd done this after Orion had gotten sent to St. Mungoes. "Mother will be expecting me back home after the school year. I wonder what she'll do to me. I wonder how Regulus is." He completed another circuit. "Father...You know Sirius, I feel like my father is dead. He can't exactly contribute to anything around the house anymore. He can't talk coherently, can't make an opinion."
Abruptly, he stopped the thought. He was getting morbid.
"Sorry, that's not nice," he continued. "But I miss my father. I always wonder if Mother did something to make it happen."
It wasn't the first time the thought had occurred to him. It wasn't kind though and Andy had always told him to try and be kind. It was a bit difficult to do that when kindness was an abstract thought he'd associated with her. He'd molded his actions after his mother – that is, do the opposite of what his mother wanted. He'd decided this five minutes after receiving his Howler for being sorted into Gryffindor.
"Sirius, what do you think?" he asked the bright star above him. He hadn't realized he had stopped walking and was directly under the light of his namesake.
The star pulsed for a moment and then Sirius had to take a deep breath because the pale light he had gotten used to suddenly blazed bright and obliterated everything in sight.
"You are born under my star," a kind voice whispered. "And you are named after me as well."
Sirius blinked but the whiteness didn't fade, or wash away. It was uncomfortable, like he'd stared too long at the sun and didn't blink, except it was worse.
In any other situation, Sirius would have been suspicious and wary. Bright voices coming from nowhere was something right out of Father's fairy tales. But he was so desperate for something, anything to help him that he heard it and just went with it. Analysis would come later, help first.
"You ask for guidance, little Sirius. All I tell you is to live by these words: "Family is who you choose." Never forget family."
The phrase resonated in his body like a gong and he shuddered. "But," he said slowly because moving his tongue felt like working it through molasses. "Mother is still going to be very angry at me when I come home for Christmas."
The voice, who he was starting to realize was the Sirius star, laughed.
"It only hurts if you care," Sirius star said. "Why should her opinion bother you, little Sirius?"
The star was right. Why should it hurt, her anger when he didn't care anyway? Now if his father worked his poor heart to scold him, he would probably feel worse than trash.
"One last thing, dear one," Sirius star said. "Don't forget the little king."
And because Sirius was a Black and reciting astronomy myths since he could remember, he immediately knew what the star was talking about.
"Regulus," he whispered, horrified because he'd almost forgotten his little brother. His little brother who was probably still waiting for his letter. For any message. Because Sirius had promised to send Regulus something of Hogwarts. And he'd forgotten because he'd found James who was the brother of his soul just as Regulus was the brother of his heart.
"Shit," he cursed and wanted to curse again, because he had no idea what to do.
"Going by what you know is always good," Sirius star prodded. "Go on and stop moping."
The whiteness vanished as abruptly as it arrived, the light back to its gentle light. Sirius blinked the spots out of his eyes and quickly ran to the castle.
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Regulus was a hesitant figure lurking at the side of the stairs.
Sirius didn't hesitate at all and ran out of the kitchen to hug his little brother. It wasn't one of his rare hugs that were awkward as hell and stiff. James had taught him how to hug and use your entire body, to share your warmth and give comfort in a touch and he wanted to share this with Regulus.
"That's new," Regulus said slowly. "I...I thought you'd forgotten about me."
Sirius ducked down and admitted it out right. "I did, because I was sorted into Gryffindor and worried about mother."
It was a valid excuse. Walburga Black was the sort of thing that would make you forget everything else, usually due to terror.
"You're warm," Regulus whispered. "I thought you wouldn't come back for Christmas."
Sirius nearly hadn't but he wouldn't say that out loud. "I'm here now. Come on, let's go to your room."
The trek was short and a bit awkward. Kreacher's beady eyes were trained on Sirius all the way. How Regulus bore that, he didn't know.
"I met a boy," Sirius whispered to his little brother as they lay side by side on the luxurious carpets. "His name is James. You would like him, I think. He is warm. Like Andy."
Regulus pinched his nails into Sirius's hands. "That means mother will hate him," he said matter-of-factly. "He's replaced me, hasn't he?"
Sirius wanted to laugh, but his star had told him to choose his family and not to forget his little brother. So he would manage his chosen family and the remaining blood family he loved. "Do you know, Regulus, that there is a girl in our year with seven other siblings? I can manage to have two brothers, can't I?"
There was a definite pout in Regulus's voice now. "You certainly can't. You forgot me for three months."
Sirius pinched back Regulus's elbows. "I worried for three months," he corrected primly. "And then I stopped worrying and remembered there was someone annoying and bookish that asked for something from Hogwarts."
Regulus finally unwound beside him, thin arms winding around his elbow and head resting on his shoulder. "You'll need a minder," the boy muttered. "Someone to keep you from having too much fun."
Sirius smiled wryly, remembering the blinding white light that had spoken to him about family and choices. "I already have someone," he murmured softly.
Regulus was already asleep beside him.
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This is a one-shot. Prompts may happen, please send to my tumblr under ladyhallen.
Please Review
~hallen