ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE- DAY
SpongeBob steps outside and frolics toward the street. He begins to sing out.
SPONGEBOB
"It's such a very nice day outside! And I'm feelin' alright! It's such a very nice day
outside!" Good morning, Bikini Bottom!
Squidward waits by the curb with luggage. He frets.
SQUIDWARD
Can my bus get here any faster?
SPONGEBOB
Squidward?! Squidwardian?! How's my buddy this fine and dandy morning?
SQUIDWARD
Fine. I'm taking a bus to see my mother. It's her birthday tomorrow.
SPONGEBOB
A birthday? Happy, happy, happy birthday, mother Squid! I've got just the thing. Be right back.
SpongeBob rushes inside. Squidward's bus pulls up.
SQUIDWARD
Thank heavens!
SpongeBob rushes back outside.
SPONGEBOB
Goodbye, Squiddy, old pal! Wish your mother happy birthday for me!
SpongeBob breaks out party blowers and hats, streamers and confetti. Squidward jolts onto the bus but gets caught in the mess. He spits out confetti.
The bus takes off.
SPONGEBOB (CONT'D)
Now, off to my favorite place other than the Krusty Krab. Mrs. Puff's Boating School!
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM- DAY
The bell RINGS
Mrs. Puff writes on the board. Students sit at desks.
MRS. PUFF
Class, we have a new important rule for those ready to get their boating license.
SpongeBob sits at his desk. He bites his nails and pants.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
I want those who are ready to take their boating test to ask for the presence of another licensed driver to go with them. An accompanier.
SpongeBob relaxes and exhales.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
Someone who you trust very much in life. Someone who is always there for you, honest and responsible. Someone who's like a best friend.
SpongeBob gasps and yells out.
SPONGEBOB
I've got it!
EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE- DAY
SpongeBob bangs on Patrick's rock. He sings out.
SPONGEBOB
Pat-rick! Pat-ri-ick!
Patrick's rock opens. He steps out in pajamas and yawns.
PATRICK
What time is it? Did I miss Mermaid Man And Barnacle Boy?
SPONGEBOB
Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob!
Patrick rubs his eyes.
PATRICK
SpongeBob?! What are you doing here?
SPONGEBOB
I came by to ask you for something big. Something fun and worth doing.
PATRICK
Is it to watch Mermaid Man And Barnacle Boy with me?
SPONGEBOB
Patrick, you already missed that. It's four P.M. Mermaid Man And Barnacle Boy was on two hours ago.
PATRICK
Nuts. In that case... Good night.
Patrick gets ready to close his rock.
SPONGEBOB
Wait, Pat!
PATRICK
What?
SPONGEBOB
It's me, SpongeBob.
PATRICK
Right. Hi.
SPONGEBOB
Patrick, enough with the dilly dally, I came here to ask my best friend a favor.
PATRICK
I'm your best friend?
SPONGEBOB
Of course you are!
PATRICK
Wow, what do I get?
SPONGEBOB
You, my best friend, get to accompany me, SpongeBob SquarePants, when I take my boating test tomorrow afternoon.
PATRICK
A test? Wait a minute. I don't like tests. They're hard. I thought this was supposed to be big and fun.
SPONGEBOB
It is, Pat! It's big for me, and fun for you because you just have to sit there.
PATRICK
Really? A test and I don't have to do anything?
Patrick gapes.
SPONGEBOB
Absolutely positively right, pal!
PATRICK
I'm in. What do I gotta do?
SPONGEBOB
All you gotta do is come by Mrs. Puff's Boating School two days from now at four with your license and we get in the boat.
Patrick shakes his head.
PATRICK
My license? Mrs. Puff? The skull? The boat? A few days from now?
SPONGEBOB
Great! See you then at four!
PATRICK
Huh?
SPONGEBOB
Later, pal!
SpongeBob leaves.
PATRICK
I didn't understand a word he said.
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Mrs. Puff waits in her boat and checks her watch. SpongeBob quivers.
MRS. PUFF
It's four P.M., SpongeBob, where's your accompanier?
SPONGEBOB
I don't know, Mrs. Puff.
MRS. PUFF
I'm free the rest of the day. Come by later with another licensed driver and we'll take the test then.
SPONGEBOB
Really?
MRS. PUFF
As long as they have a license.
SPONGEBOB
I know exactly who to ask!
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob?
SPONGEBOB
Yes, Mrs. Puff?
MRS. PUFF
I forgot to mention you can only bring them once. If you fail you have to get another to sit in.
SpongeBob thinks to himself and freezes.
SPONGEBOB
What the heck? Be back in a snap! With my new accompanier I know I am getting my license today!
INT. KRUSTY KRAB, FRONT COUNTER- DAY
SpongeBob grabs Mr. Krabs and pulls him out toward the lobby.
SPONGEBOB
Please, Mr. Krabs, you've gotta be my accompanier!
MR. KRABS
SpongeBob! Calm yourself down!
SPONGEBOB
Please! Please! Please!
SpongeBob begins to cry.
MR. KRABS
Why should I do this, boy?
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. Puff's my teacher, remember?
SpongeBob makes a clicking sound with his teeth and winks.
MR. KRABS
Mrs... Puff?
Mr. Krabs smiles.
MR. KRABS (CONT'D)
You got yourself an accompanier!
SPONGEBOB
Alright!
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Mrs. Puff sits in her boat. SpongeBob rushes up to her.
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob! You're back! Did you...
Mrs. Puff Notices Mr. Krabs in a tuxedo.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
Hello, Eugene.
MR. KRABS
Hello, my little star fish.
Mr. Krabs blushes.
MRS. PUFF
You!
Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff laugh.
MR. KRABS
How's the dating been going?
SPONGEBOB
Mr. Krabs?
MRS. PUFF
Haven't met anyone like you.
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. Puff?
MR. KRABS
Snookums, you know I have a place in my heart for a puff like you.
SPONGEBOB
Mr. Krabs? Mrs. Puff?
MRS. PUFF
You know just what to say to make a fish inflate with passion!
SpongeBob screams out.
SPONGEBOB
Mr. Krabs! Mrs. Puff!
MRS. PUFF, MR. KRABS
Huh?
SPONGEBOB
Are we doing this test or what?
MRS. PUFF
Right, SpongeBob. Let's do it.
LATER
SpongeBob drives Mrs. Puff's boat back to the boating school, doors bent, tires flat.
Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs grimace, yet get out of the car and smile at one another.
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. P., Did I pass or did I pass?
MRS. PUFF
Sorry, SpongeBob. Maybe next time.
SPONGEBOB
Barnacles! Gosh, darn it!
MRS. PUFF
Eugene, if you'd like to wait until I go inside and tidy up in the little girls room, you and I can get a bite to eat.
MR. KRABS
I'll be waiting here me little patty puff!
SPONGEBOB
Mr. Krabs, I'm disappointed in you.
MR. KRABS
Me? Why me?
SPONGEBOB
You call yourself an accompanier? To Mrs. Puff, maybe, but to me? Some friend you are. Now I gotta get another accompanier!
SpongeBob cries and breaks down. Tears come out of his nose like a sprinkler, then his pores.
MR. KRABS
SpongeBob, me boy, I did all I could. I impressed the teacher, didn't I? Extra credit?
SPONGEBOB
Extra...credit? For you maybe!
SpongeBob twists into a teapot, steams up, and walks off.
Mrs. Puff comes out of the school.
MRS. PUFF
Ready to go, handsome? Where's SpongeBob? Aren't you giving him a ride home?
MR. KRABS
No.
MRS. PUFF
Why not?
Mr. Krabs cries.
MR. KRABS
I don't know, me sweet puff! He got mad and stormed off.
MRS. PUFF
There, there, Eugene, he's probably just upset about failing one too many times.
MR. KRABS
I might lose me best employee!
INT. SANDY'S TREE DOME- DAY
Sandy lifts weights by a mirror in her bikini. SpongeBob observes her. He wears a dome of water over his head.
SANDY
Sure, SpongeBob, I'll be glad to be your accompanier. You know I've got a license to drive my spaceship.
SPONGEBOB
Thanks, Sandy. Tomorrow at four. I can't believe Patrick let me down, and Mr. Krabs!
They make me so mad I could spit!
SpongeBob spits out of his pores.
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Mrs. Puff's boat sits by the curb, doors bent. Sandy fixes a tire. She wears a dome of air over her head and spacesuit. SpongeBob crosses his arms upset.
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. Puff? Yes or no?
MRS. PUFF
No, SpongeBob. But, Sandy, thank you for fixing my flat. I'm gonna let you teach my class that, and pay you for it!
SANDY
Sounds great, Mrs. Puff!
SPONGEBOB
Tarter sauce!
SANDY
What's wrong, SpongeBob?
SPONGEBOB
Patrick!
SANDY
Uh-huh.
SPONGEBOB
Mr. Krabs!
SANDY
Yeah?
SPONGEBOB
Now you? When does it end?
SpongeBob sobs.
SANDY
What's your point, SpongeBob?
SPONGEBOB
The point is...the point is...the point is...
SANDY
Yeah?
SPONGEBOB
The point is, Mrs. Puff...Mrs. Puff...
MRS. PUFF
What about me, SpongeBob?
SPONGEBOB
You're one to talk, Mrs. Puff. How many years has it been?
MRS. PUFF
What?
SPONGEBOB
How many years have I tried?
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob, you're always a great student. Perfect attendance, no absences...
SPONGEBOB
Aaaa! Too long, that's what!
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob, I'm sorry, I don't understand. I...
SPONGEBOB
Sorry? You're sorry? Mrs. Puff, you will be sorry.
MRS. PUFF
What are you saying?
SPONGEBOB
I'm saying, don't be surprised someday you come to class and find something missing.
MRS. PUFF
Like what?
SPONGEBOB
Barnacles!
SpongeBob storms off as Mrs. Puff thinks to herself.
INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
SpongeBob sits on the couch. Gary sits beside him.
SPONGEBOB
Gary, I've gotta put my foot down once and for all.
GARY
Meow?
SPONGEBOB
I've got to make a lesson be learned, and not learned by me this time.
GARY
Meow?
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. Puff needs to get what's coming to her, doesn't she?
GARY
Meow.
SPONGEBOB
I'm gonna get her good! You with me, buddy?
GARY
Meow.
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM- DAY
A hand with a black glove on takes a pair of keys on a key hook as Mrs. Puff lectures several feet away.
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOAT- DAY
A hand with a black glove on starts Mrs. Puff's boat.
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Mrs. Puff's boat takes off and crashes against other boats on the road.
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM- DAY
The bell RINGS.
Mrs. Puff sits at her desk. Students sit at desks. SpongeBob's desk remains empty.
MRS. PUFF
Class, remember to read chapter thirty tonight on parallel parking. And if anybody knows SpongeBob's number, give him the info. It's not like him to miss class.
Mrs. Puff goes to her key hook, finds her keys missing, and gasps.
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Mrs. Puff rushes outside, looks at her empty parking spot and other bent boats nearby along the street, and shrieks.
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob!
INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
SpongeBob sits on the couch and watches TV. Gary sits beside him.
SPONGEBOB
Gary, ain't this the life? We sure showed Mrs. Puff, didn't we?
GARY
Meow.
A KNOCK comes from the door.
SpongeBob opens the door. Two POLICE FISH (40), both overweight and gruff-faced, stare at him and show their badges.
POLICE FISH ONE
Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob begins to sweat.
SPONGEBOB
Y-y-y-yes.
POLICE FISH TWO
Do you attend Mrs. Puff's Boating School?
SPONGEBOB
Y-y-y-yes.
POLICE FISH ONE
Did you specifically tell Mrs. Puff "Don't be surprised when you come to class one day and see that something's missing"?
SPONGEBOB
Y-y-y-yes.
POLICE FISH TWO
That's all we need. Book him.
SPONGEBOB
What?
SpongeBob cries.
POLICE FISH ONE
SpongeBob SquarePants, you're under arrest for boatnapping.
SpongeBob screams.
SPONGEBOB
I'm innocent! Ask Gary, he was here all day with me. I cut class, I swear. That's what I meant. Gary, you can vouch for me, right?
GARY
Meow.
Gary hides behind the couch.
POLICE FISH ONE
Cute. Let's go, buster.
The Police Fish cuff SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB
No! Please! No! Gary! Gary, help! Please! Help! Call anybody! Call the police!
POLICE FISH ONE
Funny. Let's go, SquarePants.
SpongeBob cries. The Police Fish drag him out the door.
INT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION, OFFICE- NIGHT
SpongeBob enters in cuffs, taken in by Police Fish One.
POLICE FISH ONE
Stand against the wall.
SPONGEBOB
W-w-w-what are you gonna do to me?
POLICE FISH ONE
I'm gonna take your picture.
SPONGEBOB
My picture! You can't! I didn't brush yet!
POLICE FISH ONE
Move it!
SPONGEBOB
Yes, sir.
Police Fish One snaps SpongeBob's frown.
Mrs. Puff walks into the office with Police Fish Two.
POLICE FISH TWO
There he is, Ma'am, caught him yellow handed.
SpongeBob looks at his hands and gasps.
SPONGEBOB
Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff! Please! Tell them I'm innocent! I'm innocent!
SpongeBob cries.
MRS. PUFF
I'm sorry, SpongeBob, I wish I could. All signs prove you did it.
Mr. Krabs storms in.
MR. KRABS
Snookums! What happened? I got your voice mail! What did that boy...
Mr. Krabs grows angry when he sees SpongeBob.
MR. KRABS (CONT'D)
So! You like to steal innocent teacher's boats, do you?
SPONGEBOB
No, Mr. Krabs, I...You don't understand, I...
MR. KRABS
Poor, innocent, Mrs. Puff, a delicate creature of the underwater world. You had to take what matters most to her. Aside from me.
SPONGEBOB
For all you know, Mrs. Puff, it was Mr. Krabs who stole your boat!
Mr. Krabs gasps.
MR. KRABS
What? Nonsense! Why, I...
SPONGEBOB
Face it, Mr. K., You always wanted to impress Mrs. Puff with expensive stuff, right? Stole the boat to buy her a new one, ay? Mr. Moneybags!
MR. KRABS
That was years ago. I've changed.
SPONGEBOB
How do we know that?
MRS. PUFF
We went dutch on our date.
MR. KRABS
And I sorta regret having her pay.
Mr. Krabs cries. SpongeBob gasps. His jaw drops.
Sandy storms into the office. She wears an air dome over her head and spacesuit.
SANDY
Alright, where is he?
SPONGEBOB
Sandy! I'm innocent!
SANDY
Mrs. Puff, I just heard it on my radio. SpongeBob's a boatnapper and he stole your boat.
SPONGEBOB
But I didn't! For all we know, it was you, Sandy!
SANDY
Say what, partner?
SPONGEBOB
You fixed Mrs. Puff's flat. She wants to pay you to teach a class, so you steal her boat, only to total it in a hidden area so she'll pay you to fix it once found.
Sandy shakes her head.
SANDY
You're out of your mind, hombre. I was at a karate class I was teaching at the Senior Center.
MRS. PUFF
She's right, SpongeBob. She called me at school, a few minutes before we left.
SPONGEBOB
She could have been lying. She could have recorded sounds of elders hi-ya's for all you know.
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob, the Senior Center is next to the school, I saw her from the window when she called me to remind me what time she was coming to teach the class tomorrow.
SpongeBob gasps.
SPONGEBOB
You all think I...
POLICE FISH ONE
Let's go, buddy, in the slammer.
SpongeBob enters the cell. Police Fish One slams the door.
SPONGEBOB
No! Please! Please, I'm too young to go to jail! I'm innocent I tell you! Innocent!
SpongeBob cries.
SPONGEBOB (CONT'D)
All I wanted to do was skip class for one measly day, be a bad student for once, that's all.
INT. MOTHER SQUID'S HOUSE, KITCHEN- NIGHT
A "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER SQUID" sign hangs on the wall. Below the sign, a picture of Mother Squid and next to that a picture of her and the rest of her family. Balloons and streamers all around toward the ceiling. The sound of a party blower goes off in the background.
Squidward sits at the kitchen table. He wears a party hat, picks up a newspaper, and relaxes in the chair.
SQUIDWARD
This is the life. No SpongeBob. No problems. Why can't every day be this relaxing?
Squidward opens the newspaper. His eyes bulge out of their sockets.
An article appears in the newspaper titled "Bikini Bottom Resident In Jail For Boatnapping" with a photo of SpongeBob in jail below it.
SQUIDWARD (CONT'D)
This is too good to be true! My prayer's have been answered!
INT. PATRICK'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
Patrick channel surfs with the remote.
PATRICK
I wonder if Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is on?
Patrick looks at the TV as the news comes on. A green ANNOUNCER FISH (35) reads a report and a picture of SpongeBob in jail appears on screen.
ANNOUNCER
Local Bikini Bottom resident, SpongeBob SquarePants is behind bars tonight for boatnapping.
PATRICK
Huh? SpongeBob's in jail? This is serious. I gotta help him.
INT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION, OFFICE- NIGHT
SpongeBob cries in his cell.
SPONGEBOB
I'm innocent, I tell you! Innocent! All I wanted to do was skip class for one day!
Patrick enters the office.
PATRICK
Is this where I file a complaint?
Police Fish One approaches with a pad of paper.
POLICE FISH ONE
What seems to be the trouble, son?
SPONGEBOB
Patrick! You came to rescue me!
PATRICK
I saw it on TV. What are you in for?
SPONGEBOB
If you watched the news they said I boatnapped Mrs. Puff's boat.
PATRICK
That's it? Sorry, buddy, I guess you're on your own on this one.
Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, Sandy and Patrick walk out of the police station.
SPONGEBOB
Don't leave me!
SpongeBob cries a pool of tears in his cell.
EXT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION- NIGHT
Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, Sandy and Patrick walk outside. Mrs. Puff finds her boat at the curb, bent out of shape.
MRS. PUFF
My boat!
PATRICK
Your boat? I'm sorry, lady, but SpongeBob said that was his boat.
MRS. PUFF
Excuse me?
PATRICK
He told me to come by the boating school in a few days at four and bring the boat to the skull so he can take his boating test there.
MRS. PUFF
What?
PATRICK
SpongeBob wanted me to be his accompanier. He wanted me to drive his boat to the skull head by the beach and meet him there, I guess.
MRS. PUFF
You guess?
PATRICK
It was early, I don't really recall the facts. I was tired. I drove it to the skull and he flaked on me.
MRS. PUFF
Then how did you get my keys?
PATRICK
Lady, I've been shoveling all day in my back yard looking for buried treasure before I got the boat. See.
Patrick shows Mrs. Puff his black gloves, full of dirt.
PATRICK (CONT'D)
I knew where the keys were because I was in your class once before. SpongeBob really should leave his keys in a safer place.
MRS. PUFF
His keys? What kind of idiot are you? Be gone with you! Shoo! Give me my keys!
Patrick gives Mrs. Puff the keys to her boat.
PATRICK
It's not that great of a boat if you ask me, I've seen better.
MRS. PUFF
The nerve of you!
MR. KRABS
There, there, my little powder puff. Eugene is here. Can I buy you a soda to drown your troubles? Maybe dinner and a movie?
Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs hug each other.
MRS. PUFF
No, Eugene, but thanks. Now, to get in my boat, get home, and relax in a warm bath.
Mrs. Puff gets into her boat, starts the engine, and the boat falls apart to pieces.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
Excuse me, sir, where's your license? You did drive my boat, didn't you?
Patrick shows Mrs. Puff a piece of paper.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
What's this?
PATRICK
A license. I got it from a box of Kelp Krunch. SpongeBob told me you wanted someone who had a license. That reminds me, I'm hungry. Bye.
Patrick walks off. Mrs. Puff screams.
MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob! Why?!
The seat of Mrs. Puff's boat falls to the ground and Mrs. Puff swells up.
INT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION, OFFICE- NIGHT
SpongeBob's cell door opens.
SPONGEBOB
Yippee!
POLICE FISH ONE
Excuse us for this mix up, son, it won't be going on your record.
SPONGEBOB
No problem. I always wanted to visit a police station and play prisoner. Now, to go home and rest up for class tomorrow morning!
EXT. BUS STATION- NIGHT
A bus pulls up and stops. Squidward gets off the bus.
EXT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION- NIGHT
SpongeBob sings as he leaves the police station all giddy.
SPONGEBOB
"La-la-la! La-la-la! La-la-la! La-la-la!"
SpongeBob looks across the street and shrieks.
SPONGEBOB (CONT'D)
Hey, Squidward!
EXT. BUS STATION- NIGHT
Squidward's jaw drops.
SQUIDWARD
Huh?
The bus takes off and runs over a puddle of water. It lands all over Squidward. He grimaces and groans.
SQUIDWARD (CONT'D)
SpongeBob? Out of jail? Why me?
EXT. BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE STATION- NIGHT
SpongeBob laughs and continues to sing as he walks off.
SPONGEBOB
"La-la-la! La-la-la! La-la-la! La-la-la!"
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM- DAY
The school bell RINGS.
Mrs. Puff stands at her desk with Sandy, who wears an air dome over her head and a spacesuit. Students sit at desks. SpongeBob's desk remains empty.
MRS. PUFF
Class, we have a special visitor today, let's all meet Ms. Sandy Cheeks, who's gonna talk about what to do when you get a flat.
SANDY
Hi, everybody.
MRS. PUFF
Before we begin, I want to remind you that when you chose your accompanier for the boating test, make sure they're honest, responsible and like a best friend. I stress responsible.
Mrs. Puff looks out the window.
MRS. PUFF (CONT'D)
And, SpongeBob and Patrick?
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
Patrick and SpongeBob look into the classroom.
SPONGEBOB, PATRICK
Yes, Mrs. Puff?
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM- DAY
Mrs. Puff looks out the window.
MRS. PUFF
I want that boat in tip-top shape when this class gets out, or SpongeBob, you'll be in boating school for eternity!
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
SpongeBob stops fixing the boat and screams.
SPONGEBOB
Eternity?! Alright!
INT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL, CLASSROOM-DAY
MRS. PUFF
I wouldn't be so happy about that, SpongeBob, because an eternity in boating school means an eternity with no license.
EXT. MRS. PUFF'S BOATING SCHOOL- DAY
SpongeBob drops his tools.
SPONGEBOB
An eternity with no license?! Noooo!
FADE OUT.
THE END