Warning: Kind of Depressing. Tissue factor: Medium-High
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour.
Note: Follows on from 'Fathers and Sons', which was a sequel to 'Ninety Nine point Eight Percent'.
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His heart was broken.
Outside the seas around the ancient city of Atlantis were no longer a beautiful vista to calm his heart and mind. Now, the view was full of churning waves, unpredictable turning tides and an overwhelming sense of a greater more forceful power barely contained. He felt as if life around him had turned a tide so abruptly and shockingly that he had been left gasping for air, lost and alone in the great sea.
He could see her reflection where she sat quietly behind him across the room that was their shared home in the city. The words had been said, her news conveyed and her apologies and sympathy shared. There was nothing else to be said or done.
Yet, that moment in which she had told him…he was sure that it would linger horribly vivid in his memory for the rest of his life. He has lost his son, but then it wasn't as if Torren had ever truly been his son. Teyla assured him that he would still play a large role in Torren's life, but he knew that was only due to his relationship with Teyla. There were no true links between him and the son he had believed to be his own. There were no rights for him, no promises of a lasting connection with Torren. Even if he and Teyla were to one day solidify their relationship officially, it would not make him any more Torren's father again. A life he had envisioned, had enjoyed, was shattered.
He knew that there was no one truly to blame. It was a twist of fate, an unseen turn of a tide and a mistake that even he had been a part. Why had he not considered the timing himself? He knew why of course – because he had been so happy to have a son. He had never doubted Torren was his, ever, but now he found himself wondering about timing, about the colour of his boy's hair, the shape of his face. They were tiny details that in his mind he was now comparing to another man.
He had not known Teyla had been intimate with Colonel Sheppard before. He and Teyla had never discussed their past relationships, and now he wished that he had asked. Teyla had told him this evening that she had shared only one night with the Colonel and that the two of them had decided not to pursue a relationship. Kanaan had known of her affection for her team and her especially clear fondness for Colonel Sheppard. At first, he had often felt touches of jealousy towards the three men of her team, but only in that they shared her time so much more than he did. Looking back, with his new knowledge, he found himself once again seeing what he hadn't before.
Since he had arrived to live in Atlantis with Teyla, he had been aware of the subtle touch of dislike in the Colonel's manner towards him. The two of them had never spent a single moment alone together in a room. Kanaan had not minded, having considered at first that perhaps that Colonel Sheppard had harboured some resentment at Teyla being unsure about her place in her team. But, once she had returned to the team, the Colonel had continued, perhaps more so, to essentially ignore Kanaan's presence. The most conversation they had ever shared had been standard greetings with no real emotion behind the words. Kanaan had considered jealously as a factor on the Colonel's part, and so had felt a certain amount of understanding for the man. Teyla was a beautiful woman and a good friend of the Colonel's, so her attention divided to Kanaan perhaps had annoyed the Colonel. Kanaan had understood as best he could and set the concerns aside. Until now.
Now, the newly gained knowledge of the Colonel's relationship with Teyla, confused Kanaan. In his opinion, Colonel Sheppard had not been acting towards him as he would have expected him to following Teyla's story. If the two of them had decided not to pursue a relationship, it was clear to Kanaan now, that lack of affection and desire were not the reasons, at least on the Colonel's part, for that decision. Kanaan felt abruptly foolish, for not having seen the subtle discomfort between Teyla and the Colonel for what it had been. He had been happy to live here with Teyla and their son, enjoying his family.
Now, everything had changed.
He shifted his gaze back to Teyla's reflection. She had left Torren with Colonel Sheppard for the evening and her son would likely spend much of his time with his true father now. Kanaan would share less time with Torren, only caring for the boy when Teyla and the Colonel allowed him to. The bitterness rose in his throat. He suspected they would allow him to care for Torren still whilst they were on duty, and though that prospect presented real time to share with Torren, Kanaan could not help but feel bitter about it. He would be relegated to the position of a minder and nothing else. He had lost a family, but Colonel Sheppard had gained, and even Teyla…what had she lost? Her son still had a father, a different one than she had thought, but Torren would still have all he needed. She would still have Kanaan in her bed and he would care for her son whilst she worked off world.
Kanaan looked away from her image and back out the window, turning his gaze upwards to the overhanging night clouds. He did not like this side of himself, a dark bitter jealous part that wished to shout and perhaps break something. It was not normally in his nature to feel violent and harsh anger, but it bubbled inside of him this evening. He tried to quell it, but at the same time, he felt that he was entitled to it as well. It was not healthy to ignore one's feelings and right now he felt like venting out his frustration at what life had hurled at him from out of nowhere.
The new anger found company though, merging with deeper hidden pains that he had thought resolved. His anger at what the Wraith had taken from his people and his family, the loss of Old Athos, and then Michael's arrival and what he had done to Kanaan and his people. So many attacks and loses, but through it all Kanaan had worked his way through, focusing on surviving and the good things that he had in his life. Through pain and suffering he had survived, as had all Athosians and others in this galaxy, and it had made them all stronger and more patient. He valued those strengths.
These past months since Torren's birth had been some of the happiest times of his life. He lived in this magnificent city, where the Ancestors themselves had walked, with Teyla and their child. He had survived Michael and had fought back against the Hybrid madness that taken over his body. He had been able to see through it, past Michael's influence to see Torren and Teyla, and he had helped to save them. His son had been so much a part of that escape. His love for his newborn son had been born instantly in that moment he had first seen him. It had helped fuel Kanaan to turn against Michael, despite all the control and influence. It had been Torren who had made that moment of escape possible.
That moment had changed so much, and now looking back, knowing that Torren had not actually been his… It did not change the outcome he knew, but that magical moment felt tainted now, different. Torren was still Kanaan's saviour, but he was no longer his son. He found himself wondering…had the Ancestors allowed this knowledge to be hidden so that Kanaan had made that break from Michael. For, he had to wonder, would he have still been able to make that choice if he had known Teyla's child had not been his. He liked to think that he would, that his heart was good enough, but he still had to wonder. Surely, his love for Teyla and respect for new life would have been enough.
He felt bad to reflect like this, to doubt himself and his motives now that the situation had changed. Did it make the choices he had made any less valid? Perhaps, it was that he feared that without Torren as his motivation to be the best and strongest version of himself, that he might somehow revert back to the man he had been under Michael's influence again. Logically, he knew that Michael had altered his body on a very physical level, but he still feared that there had been something weak inside him before that had allowed that influence to take hold. Without Torren in his life as much, as his son, he feared the weakness might return.
He exhaled loudly, pushing out the tension in his chest and shoulders. He was being foolish. He could not put such faith on a child. It was what Torren had represented to him that was important. Torren represented the future, sweet, innocent, beautiful future that presented hope.
Yet, despite that, he felt very real grief in his chest, squeezing tightly around his lungs. No one had died, nothing had actually been lost, for Torren still lived happily, thank the Ancestors. Even the blood connection he had thought he had shared with Torren had not been lost – for it had never existed in the first place. The only thing to have died was the name; father. He was not Torren's father. He knew he would still love the boy, care for him, and wish the best for him always. So, what had died to make his chest hurt so much?
Perhaps, it was the loss of his future plans, the joy that he had felt in them, now all broken and disappointed. He had planned to one day teach his son how to fish, hunt and cut the harvest. All the things his own father and mother had taught him, that he would pass onto their grandchild. He had envisioned sitting with Torren, telling him the old stories of the Athosians and the Ancestors. Teyla had assured him that he could still have those moments with Torren, but the truly important moments that Torren would remember were Colonel Sheppard's to impart. Kanaan might be able to teach Torren, to share moments with him, but he would never hold the same place in Torren's heart that the Colonel now held.
He wondered if that made him selfish, to feel that he had lost some of Torren's love. It was not even real, for the Torren he thought of in the future did not exist yet. Torren was still a babe, still in love with everyone around him, watching and smiling at everything. Torren would never remember that Kanaan had sat with him for the first months of his life, had sung him stories, and cuddled him when he was sick. Those memories would not be retained by Torren, and for that, Kanaan felt a great loss.
He turned his face from the window, looking over his shoulder to where Teyla sat, quietly working on a new shirt for Torren. Her tears had dried, as had his, and all the words had been said. She had told him that she understood his pain and that he could have all the time he wished to process the news. She had told him that he was still important, that his role in Torren's life need not alter all that much. He could still be a father of sorts to Torren, but he knew that would only be so if both her and Colonel Sheppard agreed to it. Before it had just been him, Teyla and Torren. Now, Colonel Sheppard was a massive part of their lives, a new presence shoved into their small comfortable family. Nothing in Torren's life would occur without the Colonel's involvement in some way. In many ways, he had always been there, but Kanaan had been unaware. He wondered, before now, how much Teyla had thought of that night she had shared with the Colonel. He watched her face as she worked, her expression controlled and focused, but he could tell that she was working intently to distract herself. Her mind was clearly elsewhere, and he had to wonder if it was in another man's quarters.
His life had changed and so had hers, and that knowledge brought with it another fear for Kanaan. A fear hidden for sometime that had lingered in his thoughts at his weakest moments, but now in light of today's revelation, made that fear feel more empowered and real. He and Teyla shared a history on Old Athos, growing up in the same camp and even from those early teenage years he had always felt drawn to her. It had taken him many years to finally begin to flirt and press for more time with her. She had seemed happy to share his time and he had been so hopeful that she returned his affections to some degree. It had all built, until one day he had invited her to stay in the camp longer than planned and she had accepted – it had been a changing point in their lives. Now, he knew that night had occurred only a week or two after her night with Colonel Sheppard. He wasn't sure if there really was a link there, that perhaps he had been second choice, but at the time he had been anxious that she would change her mind. Their time together had been wonderful, exciting and a dream made manifest for him. Yet…in his heart he had known that they had been living different lives – her in Atlantis and he with their people. It had been Torren's appearance that had led to them living here together. He had caught himself wondering before – if Torren had not existed, would they have stayed together? It was a question that could never be answered in retrospect. However, the lynchpin that Torren may have been, had now been removed and he feared that his relationship with Teyla may no longer last. He hoped that their time together had forged them closer than just through their link of Torren.
If their relationship were to end, then so would his time with Torren.
He turned from the window and walked across the room towards the exit, past Torren's empty crib. He needed to be free of this room for a while, away from the life that he had lived as Torren's father. The emotions, spoken and unspoken words seemed to fill the air, smothering him as they pulled at his fears and doubts.
"Where are you going?" She asked from behind him, her voice a gratingly level tone that clearly was meant to hide her concern, anxiety, or whatever it was that she truly felt.
He stopped by the exit and looked back over his shoulder to her.
"To walk for a while," he replied, his own tone carefully measured so as not to betray his conflicted, worried feelings.
She was looking up at him, her eyes full of questions and worries that she would not speak. He knew that she wished to know what was occurring in his heart, but he feared he may never be able to share all of it with her. He looked away from her, his gaze ghosting over Torren's crib again.
"I will not be long, I promise," he told her more softly. He reached up and waved his hand over the door's sensor.
"Take all the time you need, Kanaan," she replied as he strode out, to walk the long ancient hallways of the city until his legs would grow tired and hopefully his fears with them.
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END