So, this is an english assignment. I used certain aspects from Homestuck, this whole thing was gearing up to be a fanfic in the first place. But I am proud of it. SO DARN PROUD. Too bad you all can't see the color-coded GREATNESS. It is lovely to behold.
Ahem. I do not own anything from Homestuck. ONWARD!
Evan was the absolute epitome of normal. Or, at least, that's what he believed anyways. He'd grown up in your stereotypical American suburb with his parents (a housewife and a businessman), his sister (a bratty girl obsessed with pink) and the dog, Fido. His grades were never anything special. His looks were bland. For a while in high school, he'd seriously considered changing his name to Average Joe, but he'd eventually decided the notion was silly. Too silly to even bother with. Nothing was more important to him than being boring, well dressed, and absolutely normal in every possible way.
One day, after finishing up with his job as a grocery store manager, he entered his run of the mill (but still tiny) apartment. It had been a rough day. Their best cashier had quit, sales were lower than usual, and some kid threw up in aisle three. The latter was now a sore subject for him, because the janitor had sprained his ankle and Evan had to clean it up himself. Now, the only thing he could do was pick up his awful, lagging laptop, place it on his wobbly desk, sign on to his chat client (PesterChum) and complain to whoever else was on.
He had four chums. Anna, his sister (her chumhandle was prettymuchRoyalty) his buddy, Gabe (instantnoodleWizard), his childhood friend whom he hardly spoke to anymore, Teresa (robinHoodie) and also the ever-anonymous guy he'd met though PesterChum itself, eternalFunk. That last guy was totally mysterious. He knew next to nothing about him, but he was fine with that. Sometimes, you want to talk to a complete stranger. Sometimes, it's good to not know your best friend's name. Or face. Or age. Or even gender, really. Maybe he didn't want to know. Anyway, his own chumhandle was greySkies. That was certainly not an indicator that he was secretly displeased with his mundane life. Whatever gave you that idea? Pht. How silly.
As luck would have it, none of his chums were available. It figured that after such a bad day at work they'd all abandon him and leave him with no productive way to vent his frustration. Gah! Maybe it was time to invest in buying himself a stress ball. Evan's life, boring though it was, was an eternally stressful affair. Perhaps it was also time to sign up for a few yoga classes. Oh! He could even learn how to play some kind of instrument! Yes, yes, he could see it now! Evan, the violinist. Evan, the smasher of drums. Evan, ukulele player extraordinaire!
He would make millions! His collective fanbase would be huge, and span across the globe! Everyone in the world would love him, and- Actually, no. That was a stupid notion. Learning how to play some random instrument doubled with his job would just result in a lot more stress. More stress was exactly what he didn't want to experience, so that idea was null. And, now that he gave it more thought, very silly. Bordering on outright absurd. He would have to keep a better grip on his imagination in the future.
Suddenly, a loud buzz from his computer shocked him out of his thoughts. He fell out of his annoying spinning office chair in surprise. Not exactly one of his finest moments. Collecting himself and patting down his trousers (which he refused to call pants) he immediately sat back down and examined his computer screen. Oh? Someone was attempting to start a conversation with him. That was strange, considering none of the chums on his list were logged in. He saw only one solution to this scenario: answer whoever wanted to chat. Maybe it was someone he knew. And so, he pressed the acceptance button.
basicOrigins [BO] began trolling greySkies [GS]
Evan quirked an inquisitive eyebrow. Trolling? This person wasn't even using PesterChum, were they? If they had been, it would clearly say 'pestering', not trolling. It would also state the exact time the conversation began. The same anomaly happened in his conversations with eternalFunk. Despite what it implied, EF had never once actually trolled him. But his chat client was somehow able to contact people using entirely different ones? Huh.
BO: HE\\()!i!i!i!
BO: S() Y()U'RE THE ^\ /EN FUNKY'S ^\W^YS CH^TTER/NG ()N ^B()UT.
He stared at the chat log in absolute horror. What was he even looking at here? It was a total disgrace to the english language. And what were they talking about? He was no alien. How did this person know EF? At this point, Evan became so bursting with questions he was on the verge of having a mental breakdown.
BO: HEY!i!i!i! ^RE Y()U /GN()R/NG ME? JERK.
BO: /SN'T /T ^G^/NST TH()SE S/ \\Y E^RTH CUST()MS T() BE S() RUDE T() ^ G/R\? / FEE\ D/SCR/M/N^TED ^G^/NST!i!i!
Now this he simply would not lest slide. Rude? Him? NEVER.
GS: Sorry, I suppose. I did not mean to be rude.
GS: There was no way for me to know your gender. How do you know EF? Why are you typing like that?
Come to think of it, EF had done similar crimes against proper punctuation in the past. It had taken a month to break him of the habit, and even now he complained that nice, NORMAL typing felt "weird and w~r~o~n~g." Evan honestly didn't care to know why. When you've strived as much as he did to be ordinary, you eventually learn how to block out most of the abnormalities one encounters in life.
Quietly, he watched the green text of the stranger fill up the pesterlog. While it was a bit mind numbing, he could, at least, decipher all of the insults directed at himself and "FUNKY." They dropped a few puns about cooking. They spouted silly, foreign-sounding terms his Internet friend had been known to use in the past. At this point, he truly had no idea what was even going on.
BO: WE\\, /T'S T/ME TO FEED MY CUST()D/^N.
BO: UGH. / H^TE CH()RES M()RE TH^N / W()U\D H^TE MY K/SMES/S, /F / H^D ()NE. /S TH^T ^ B^D TH/NG?
BO: D() Y()U TH/NK /T'S WE/RD?
There they went again, using fake sounding terms he did not understand. What was a kismesis? Why was this nut job trolling him?
GS: I would not know.
GS: What are you even talking about?
BO: …?
GS: I do not know who you are, and I don't know why you're contacting me, but I must ask you to stop now.
greySkies [GS] ceased pestering basicOrigins [BO] at 20:15
BO: W^/T!i!i!
BO: D^RN /T!i! C()ME B^CK S() / C^N F/N/SH TR()\\ /NG Y()U!i!i!
greySkies [GS] blocked basicOrigins [BO]
Feeling even more frustrated, Evan logged off of PesterChum. He hated trolls. Everyone hated trolls. They were always annoying and rude. And, it was weird to talk to people that constantly pretend to be aliens. He loathed anything weird. Oh, so much. Words could not even describe his intense hatred of all things abnormal. In fact, he was now compelled to write some poetry about it. Yes! It would be great, truly wonderful!
Average is the key
What I simply must be
For life to be it's fullest,
It should be the dullest
And all abnormalities must go
Wait. What was he even doing? Poetry really wasn't his strongest suit. Shame on his silly brain and all it's silly thoughts. Silly, silly, silly! If there was one thing he truly understood, it was that he would probably never do anything of great importance. He therefore had no reason to cater to his own whims. Instead, he would just be normal. Get married one day. Perhaps he'd have kids. And a dog, too. And a white picket fence. The whole nine yards.
So lost in his own slightly depressing train of thought Evan almost missed the buzzing sound of an incoming message. That was odd. He had just logged out, for Pete sake!
eternalFunk [EF] began trolling greySkies [GS]
EF: Sorry, did someone else troll you earlier?
EF: That is to say, literally? Because the others aren't supposed to do that!
EF: The other trolls are always so dishonest… ≈: (
EF: A~r~e y~o~u s~t~i~l~l t~h~e~r~e~?
GS: I'm here, no need to break out into that habit again.
EF: Sorry. I was worried. Who trolled you?
GS: Someone called basicOrigins.
GS: While I think that is a very nice username, the person himself or herself was… rude.
EF: Oh. Her. Not sure if I can do anything if she comes back.
GS: It's fine. I blocked her.
EF: That won't do anything.
EF: Earth's computer programs are notoriously easy to hack.
GS: What?
EF: N~o~t~h~i~n~g~!
EF: Oops. I meant nothing! Ignore it, GS! I, um, should go now!
eternalFunk [EF] ceased trolling greySkies [GS]
GS: ?
He decided to let it go. His Internet pal was TOTALLY from Earth. Not an alien, certainly not! Neither was that other person from earlier. Obviously, he assured himself, it had all been an elaborate prank on their part. Ha ha. Very funny. Successful trolls are successful. Now it was time for relaxing music and extensive Internet shopping (he could really use a stress ball). After a few hours, the whole thing was completely out of his mind.
eternalFunk [EF] started memo G~u~s~s~i~e m~a~y h~a~v~e j~u~s~t r~u~i~n~e~d u~s on Team SURVIVAl Of THe FITTESt
EF: S~o g~u~e~s~s w~h~o j~u~s~t d~e~c~i~d~e~d t~o t~r~o~l~l m~y h~u~m~a~n~?
geneticallyEnhanced [GE] responded to the memo
GE: GIVe Me ONe GOOd GUESs. HMMMMMMMm…
GE: WAs It GUSSIe By ANy CHANCe?
EF: S~t~o~p i~t w~i~t~h a~l~l t~h~e h~u~m~a~n s~a~r~c~a~s~m~!
basicOrigins [BO] responded to the memo
BO: ()H, P()(). SE\MER, Y()U C^N'T JUST H()G THE HUM^N ^\\ T() Y()URSE\F!
BO: SURE /S ^ P()WERFU\ TH/NG, TH/S TR()\\ D/SESE C^\\ED FR/ENDSH/P. E\/EN TH^T HUM^N H^S /T!
GE: FRIENDSHIp ISN't A DISESe.
EF: G~u~s~s~i~e~! C~o~u~l~d y~o~u j~u~s~t g~o~?
EF: L~e~a~v~e m~e a~l~o~n~e f~o~r o~n~c~e~!
BO: M^KE ME, \()WB\()()D!
eternalFunk [EF] banned basicOrigins [BO] from responding to the memo
robinHoodie [RH] responded to the memo
RH: Enough!
RH: You two are acting like children! Or whatever it is you aliens call your children.
GE: WIGGLERs, YOu MEAn.
RH: Fine. Wigglers. Whatever. Just cut it out!
EF: S~o~r~r~y, T~e~r~e~s~a.
eternalFunk [EF] unbanned basicOrigins [BO] from responding to the memo
BO: GEEZ! T()UCHY MUCH?
RH: You all know we don't have a lot of time left.
EF: Y~e~s. W~e k~n~o~w.
GE: We ALl KNOw ABOUt THe SITUATIOn At HANd.
GE: ANd We ARe TRYINg OUr BESt To HELp.
BO: HUM^NS ^ND THE/R WE^K /MMUNE SYSTEMS. ^ TR()\\'S C()U\D E^S/ \Y GET R/D ()F TH^T \/RUS Y()U'\/E BEEN T^\L/NG ^B()UT.
RH: But I am a human.
RH: And the virus isn't leaving any time soon.
EF: D~o~n't w~o~r~r~y~! Y~o~u'l~l b~e f~i~n~e, a~n~d G~S d~o~e~s~n't h~a~v~e t~o k~n~o~w a~b~o~u~t i~t a~t a~l~l~!
GE: WHAT's THAt HUMAn SAYINg?
GE: YOu SCRATCh OUr BACKs, WE'Ll SCRATCh YOURs.
RH: All right. Fine. No more arguing, you hear?
robinHoodie [RH] ceased responding to the memo
EF: G~u~s~s~i~e, d~o t~r~y n~o~t t~o s~c~r~e~w u~p m~o~r~e, o~k~a~y~?
eternalFunk [EF] disabled all further responses to memo G~u~s~s~i~e m~a~y h~a~v~e j~u~s~t r~u~i~n~e~d u~s
So, yeah. This is a thing that happened. Reviews, anyone?