Disclaimer: Well, obviously, I don't own these characters or I never would have allowed that unmitigated piece of crap titled Identity Crisis to ever be published. Nor am I making any money off this. This is just what I wish would happen.
Dedication: For all those who became disillusioned with Identity Crisis…
And for all those who never liked it in the first place…
And especially, for all those JLI fans who would've willingly and cheerfully paid more than $28 to have been reading I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League in 2004 instead of Identity Crisis, this story's for you.
Introduction
In an alternate timeline of a parallel universe, there exists a planet Earth similar to, yet different from, our own. On this world, like our own, alas, the DC superheroes are nothing but comic book characters. On this world, also like our own, and even more alas, Identity Crisis was published. However, on this world, unlike our own, the higher-ups at DC came to their senses when they got the final draft of the last issue. They realized just how stupid the ending was, how it was so bad that even comics fans who had loved this dreck up to this point would be agast. Their shame increased as they realized that next to none of the changes imposed on the DC Universe was anything worth preserving. But fortunately, there was a convenient way out of this mess. There had been another, better mini-series that had been pushed aside for the sake of Identity Crisis. This series prominently featured an unautopsied, uncharred, unkilled Sue Dibny as one of its main characters. The original plan was to publish this mini in an anthology series as an "out-of-continuity" or "takes-place-before-Identity-Crisis" story that was to be published in February 2005. This left a full month, January 2005, between the last issue of IC and the first issue of this better mini. The higher-ups at DC decided to release a one-shot issue in that month that would undo all the crap of Identity Crisis in time to explain how Sue could show up alive and well the next month in that better mini-series. The following is the story from that one-shot.
Idiocy Crisis
Two weeks after Now.
Ralph tried to just concentrate on his driving, keep his mind off the horrific events of the past several weeks, but those events still washed over him like an unending tide of despair. His wife, his love, Sue, was now dead. He could still feel the unrelenting horror of that moment when he found her charred, all too recognizable body. It was all so unfair, so senseless.
That last was especially true: It was senseless. None of it made any sense. His wife had been accidentally killed by Jean Lorring?! As part of a plan to get back together with Ray?! Ralph couldn't believe it. Frankly, he didn't think Jean was either that smart or that stupid. Neither so smart that she could kill someone and have the entire superhero community stumped that it was her for a whole week, and neither so stupid that she'd concoct such a ludicrously convoluted plan that would endanger herself and others when there were so many easier ways to get what she wanted. She could've tried just talking to Ray, telling him she missed him, Hell, even dropping by his lab in a black nightgown with a bottle of champagne. One of the worst kept secrets of the superhero community was that despite the divorce, Ray still carried a torch for Jean that would've thawed the polar ice caps. If Jean had made any effort at all to get back with Ray, Ralph was sure it would've worked.
And then there was Ray's solution, having his ex-wife committed to Arkham. Arkham! Practically the worst mental institution in the world from what Ralph had heard. It was a torturous snake pit where the "doctors'" solution to everything was to dope everybody up to make them docile. That certainly hadn't worked. Practically every inmate in Arkham had managed to escape repeatedly, the Joker twice as much as anybody. Ralph knew that if Sue had ever gone murderously crazy, that Arkham would've been the last place in the world he would've had her committed. Even leaving aside any compassion for Jean (and right now Ralph was the certainly last person to have any for her), he didn't think it was such a good idea to lock her up with so many of Batman's worst enemies, especially since she knew both his and Robin's secret identities (somehow, that didn't feel right to Ralph, even though his own memory told him that of course she knew their identities, just as every other superhero and superhero's spouse had).
Ray's decision seemed par for the course in superhero stupidity these days. Ralph couldn't believe that during the whole investigation, no one had bothered to check the victim's phone records, a standard procedure in any normal murder investigation. If they had, they would've noticed that Sue had received a call just seconds before her last frantic call to Ralph. They would've also seen that Sue's phone had called the same place a minute later, when Sue herself would've been dead by that time. To police, this would've suggested a contract killing, with the contractor and killer making contact at the victim's home to make sure the deed was done, but to any superhero familiar with the Atom's powers, it would've immediately indicated someone with shrinking abilities, which would've narrowed the focus of the investigation considerably. Ralph hadn't taken much part in the investigation. He had been so sure that Dr. Light was the killer, that when it had soon turned out that he wasn't, Ralph's grief had overwhelmed him. Some detective I turn out to be, he thought glumly. I can't even solve my own wife's murder.
Thinking about Dr. Light only made it worse. Now he couldn't help thinking about what his friends had done to Light. He thought he knew these people, knew what high moral standards they had, and it turned out they were a bunch of lobotomizers. If word ever got out that police had done to a criminal something that would've had the same effect as what the League had done to Light, those police would've been dismissed from the force forever. They might even have to face prosecution, perhaps even some serious prison time. But Ralph had kept his silence, along with Kyle and Wally, implicating them all in a conspiracy of silence that made Ralph feel filthy. It could even be said that his friends had done it all for his benefit, but Ralph felt sickened by it.
Thinking about what his friends had done to Light only served to remind Ralph of what Light had done to Sue. It was years ago, but it had been so traumatic, so horrific for both Ralph and Sue, that the only way they had been able to deal with it was by keeping it a secret. They never discussed it with anyone, and only talked with each other about it when they were absolutely sure no one else was around to overhear. They hadn't even pressed charges against that creep. That's why Sue had never known and Ralph hadn't known till now about what the others had done to Light. And that didn't make sense either. Sue had always been a bold, brave, adventurous woman. Years later, she had stood up against such major villains as Sonar and Lord Manga Khan, proving herself every bit as heroic as many of Ralph's teammates. It wasn't like her to try to hide from something because it had been so horrible for her. Not even our own actions make any sense, he thought. It was as if some demented film noir fangeek had taken charge of the universe and didn't care about logic, consistency or characterization just so long as he could keep everything unremittingly grim and depressing.
Ralph had finally arrived at his destination. Nothing had helped in getting over his trauma, but his friends had advised just getting back to his normal activities. He had made this appointment to see Dr. Benson Doneyhew months ago. He and Sue had met Doneyhew at a luxury cruise, and he had invited them to his lab on this precise date. He hadn't given details, but he seemed really excited about what he was working on. Ralph only hoped that whatever it was, it would help take his mind off his loss.
When Ralph, entered the lab, Doneyhew rushed to greet him. "Ah, Mr. Dibny! I'm afraid you missed the initial excitement. But that will give me time to explain it all to you! But where's Sue?"
Ralph stared at him. "Haven't you seen the news?"
"I'm afraid I've been so busy the last several weeks that I haven't had time. Why, is she sick?"
Ralph was about to tell him, but he didn't. There was something oddly comforting about talking with someone who didn't know about Sue's death. One drawback to being the world famous Elongated Man was that now everyone knew his wife had just been murdered. Ralph couldn't walk the street these days without noticing the total strangers who looked at him with well meaning sympathy and pity in their eyes, which only served to painfully remind him of all that he had lost. "Um, no, but her uncle, the famous movie producer is. He came down with the mumps and Sue flew over to LA to look after him. Word leaked out, and the tabloids made it sound like he was dying. Fortunately he's getting better and she'll be back home in a few days."
"Ah, well, give her my regards. But Mr. Dibny, let me tell you all about my invention! The future is being made today! I have invented a time machine!"
Ralph couldn't help but smile. "Hate to break it to you, Doc, but a guy named Rip Hunter beat you to it."
"Ha! My time machine will make Mr. Hunter's time sphere obsolete!"
Ralph looked around. "So where is it?"
"That's where you missed the initial excitement. My assistant, Baxter Beaker, is trying it out now for the first time. He should be back any minute. But let me show you the blueprints!" Doneyhew took Ralph to a drafting table where the blueprints were prominently displayed. Ralph looked them over as Doneyhew eagerly pointed out each feature.
"There's the seat for the time traveler to sit in, there's the starter switch, there's the time dials where you set the day, month, and year you wish to travel to, but here's the part I'm proudest of!" Doneyhew pointed to what looked like a pair of long tubes with suction cups at the end where it seemed like the traveler would place his head from where he was seated. Both tubes connected to a square case that was placed in front of the time dials.
Ralph studied the tubes. "So what are those for?"
"Those tubes will connect the traveler's thoughts to the case, which contains a newly discovered element called xinothium. This element has been shown to generate remarkable thought patterns in the brain. The problem with time travel in the past is that you could never precisely plan just where and when you wanted to go. Oh, sure, you could set a day, month, and year, but when during that particular date? There are few times indeed, where people can recall the precise hour, minute, and second something occurred. Also, how could you ever be able to set a course to the precise spot you needed to be? It's a big world, after all, regardless of what Disney may tell you. But xinothium makes all that possible. It will tap into your brain, interpret your thoughts, and take you and the time machine to the precise time and place you wish to go."
Ralph's own thoughts were racing. A time machine seemed just perfect for what he needed. Then he noticed something about the time dials and his heart leaped. Desperately trying to contain his excitement, he asked casually, "So, I notice you have two time dials here. One's for the time you wish to travel to, and the other one's for the present, right?"
Dr. Doneyhew gave an embarrassed chuckle. "Well, no. The truth is, I got so carried away, that I decided to make two time dials so that one could travel to two dates on the same trip."
Two dates. It was perfect. Ralph was glad he hadn't told Doneyhew about Sue's death. It might have made him more hesitant to tell him all this. "So how do you get started on this?"
"It's very simple. Just sit in the seat, connect those suction cups to your head, set the time dials to whenever you want to go, and pull the starter switch. The time machine will take you to the date on the first dial. The xinothium will interpret the precise moment and place on that date you wish. Once you get there, you pull the switch again and are taken to the date on the second dial. Once you've arrived on the second date, you can pull the switch and return to the present."
"So, why hasn't your assistant – Beaker, wasn't it? – why hasn't he returned yet?'
"Well, my own theory is that since you will still age normally while time traveling, the amount of time you spend traveling will be the same as the length of time you're away from the present. For instance, if you went back in time to a certain date, and you spent a year in that period, when you return to the present, the date you'll actually return to will be a year after you left. I asked Beaker to spend no more than half an hour each in the two time periods he'd go to, just long enough to verify that he had indeed traveled through time. It's been nearly an hour since he left, so he should return," Doneyhew checked his watch, "right about now!"
Sure enough, a flash of light erupted in the room and with a loud BOOM the time machine appeared in the air above them. It flew a few feet through the air and landed with a jolt on the floor. A man was seated in it whom Ralph took to be Beaker. As soon as the time machine had landed, the man fell out of his seat, unconscious.
Ralph and Doneyhew rushed to him. "Beaker, are you all right? What's happened?" Doneyhew asked frantically as they reached his side. "Quick, help me get him to that cot over there."
"You have a cot in this lab?" Ralph asked, as they carried the unconscious Beaker to a cot in the corner.
"Two cots, actually. We both got so excited working on this project that we've spent practically all our time here for the past several weeks." They gently placed Beaker on the cot.
"Is he going to be alright, Doc?"
"Hmmmm…." Doneyhew felt Beaker's neck and placed his ear to Beaker's nose. "His pulse is steady and he's breathing normally. He should come to any minute now."
"Good. Well, if you won't be needing me anymore today, Doc," Ralph stretched across the room and sat himself on the time machine seat. He placed the suction cups on his head. Then he began setting the dates on the two time dials. The first date was several years in the past, the second, just two weeks ago.
"Mr. Dibny, wait, what are you doing?" Doneyhew called from across the room. "We still don't know what's happened to Beaker, why he returned in this condition. For all we know the consequences could be fatal!"
Ralph didn't care about the consequences. Those two dates were seared into his memory, two dates he would've given anything to change. Now that the opportunity had come, he wasn't about to back down. I'm coming for you, Sue, he thought, as he pulled the starter switch. With a flash of light and a loud BOOM, Ralph and the time machine were gone.
Half an hour later…
Beaker still lay on the cot, his eyes open. He opened his mouth to speak, but what came out was a high pitch whine that didn't sound like it came from a man. This was followed by an incoherent ramble in that same high pitch. It sounded like, "Mememememe…"
Doneyhew leaned over his assistant with great alarm. "Beaker, do you know where you are? It's me, your boss, Dr. Benson Doneyhew. Speak to me! Beaker!"
But Beaker just kept on going with that high pitched, "Mememememe…"
Doneyhew stood up. "Oh, dear, this is bad. This is very bad."
"What does this mean, Doctor?"
Doneyhew turned to the brunette woman who had asked that question. "I'm afraid it means nothing good, madam. The xinothium appears to have affected his mind. It may even have caused some brain damage. It may even be permanent. And I'm afraid it will affect Mr. Dibny in much the same way. Oh, what have I done?" With a cry of guilt-ridden despair, Doneyhew buried his head in his hands.
The brunette woman gasped with horror. "Oh, my poor Ralph, no…"
(IC, IC, IC)
Several years ago.
Deep in his hideout, the supervillain Dr. Light was hunched over his desk, studying two sheets of paper he'd been working on. On those sheets of paper were complex mathematic equations. To the average layperson, these calculations would've been meaningless, and even an expert mathematician would've found them hard to follow. But to Dr. Light, they made perfect sense. As he looked over his notes, he couldn't resist an evil chuckle. And then the arch supervillain began doing what supervillains do best.
Monologuing.
"At last, vengeance shall soon be mine," he said, talking out loud to himself. "With these calculations which only someone of my evil genius could come up with, I the brilliant Dr. Light shall be able to attack the JLA in their own satellite headquarters! For I, the magnificent Dr. Light, have figured out how to teleport myself right into their own teleporter tube on the satellite itself! After I, the famished Dr. Light, consume this nutritious fruit supplement," here, Light picked up a banana that had been laying on the table, "fortifying me with the quick energy I need, I, the synonymous Dr. Light, shall strike! Soon, the JLA will feel my wrath! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
Suddenly, there erupted a bright light in the room followed by a loud BOOM! Ralph Dibny in the time machine had arrived. The machine flew through the air for a few seconds before landing on the floor with a jolt. A dizzy, disoriented, xinothium-addled Ralph stepped out of the time machine on unsteady feet.
Dr. Light put down the banana and stood up. "NO! A hated member of the JLA come to thwart my plans! Even if it is only the Elongated Man!"
Ralph looked at Dr. Light. "Hey, I know you! You're the lightweight dock! Or somethin'."
Dr. Light drew himself up, indignantly. "I am no mere lightweight! I am Dr. Light! The incredibly brilliant and unbearably sexy archenemy of the JLA! For not only do I, the versatile Dr. Light, take on the entire JLA at once, I, the unparticular Dr. Light, also go one on one with each individual member of the JLA! For I, the near omniscient Dr. Light, know that sooner or later, whether individually or as a collective group, the JLA shall fall at my hands. And then, I, the victorious Dr. Light, shall finally take over the wor- STOP YAWNING!!!"
Ralph finished faking his yawn. He couldn't remember why, but he got the distinct impression he should really hate this guy, so he thought it best to really annoy and antagonize him. Besides, it was fun. "Yeah, yeah, well if you're such hot stuff, Lightey, how come you never went one on one with me? Too scared?"
"SCARED? I'll show you! I'll take you one on one right now!" Dr. Light fired a light blast from his gloves that Ralph, with his stretching powers, was easily able to avoid. Light fired again. "This ought to shrink you down to size!"
Ralph dodged again. "Shrink me down to size? You mean like 'dis?" Ralph used his elasticy to squat himself down to the size of a child. He even began talking in a little kid's voice.
Dr. Light scoffed. "You disguise yourself as a mere child? Bah! I do not fear mere childr-OOFFF!!!" With a loud SPROINGGG, Ralph had bounced himself straight to Light's midsection, headbutting Light in the chest. Light gasped as the air left him. For the next several minutes, Light crouched on the floor, unable to do more than gasp. Finally he got to his feet. Ralph, who had stretched himself out of sight, now stuck his head out of one corner of the room and began taunting Light.
"Nyah, nyah! Sure you're name's not Dr. Loser?" Enraged, Light fired a blast at Ralph, and Ralph stretched himself out of sight. He stuck his head out again at the opposite corner of the room.
"Dr. Lamebutt?" Again Light fired a blast, and again Ralph dodged it.
Ralph stuck his head out much closer to Light. "Dr. Loop-the-loop?"
Light blinked in confusion. "Dr. Loop-the-loop? What kind of insult is THAAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!" Ralph had grabbed Light by one hand, and stretching his arm out as far as it could go in that large room, he began rolling Light back and forth on his arm like a yo-yo, performing the loop-the-loop yo-yo maneuver on Light several times. Finally Ralph let him go, and Light fell to the floor with a loud CRASH!
"That oughta' show ya, ya…ya big meanie!. Oooohhhh…a banana!" Ralph suddenly lost all interest in Light as he noticed the banana on the table. He picked it up, unpeeled it, and started eating it, casually tossing the banana peel over his shoulder. Ralph was just finishing the banana, when Dr. Light came to his feet.
"You'll pay for this!" Light said as he walked forward menacingly. "No man makes a monkey out of Dr. Li-Wha? Wh-wh-WHOOOAAAHHHH!!!!" Light had been about to finish his sentence when he had stepped on the banana peel lying on the floor. For the next few seconds he skidded across the room, his arms flapping wildly like a chicken in a futile effort to maintain balance. Then the peel slipped out from under him, and Light fell backwards, his head crashing into the xinothium case, breaking it apart, and exposing him to the xinothium.
Light screamed as the xinothium covered his head, bathing him in its harmful radiation. The noise was loud enough to attract Ralph's attention. "Hey, get your head out of my play-thingee!' Ralph said as he pulled Dr. Light out of the cracked open xinothium case. Some of the xinothium landed on two of Ralph's fingers, causing an electric shock on both Ralph and Light. Light fell away from the time machine while Ralph landed right on the time machine seat, his head landing right on the xinothium suction cups. Ralph's two xinothium covered fingers elongated instinctively. One finger landed on the second time dial, inadvertently setting the date to three months earlier than Ralph had originally set it. The other finger landed on the starter switch and with a flash of light and a loud BOOM both Ralph and the time machine were gone.
Groaning, Dr. Light slowly got to his feet. His memory was hazy. He couldn't remember anything of the past several minutes. He looked around the room, surveying the devastation all around his hideout. One thought immediately came to mind: Man, what was I on?
Dr. Light began muttering to himself, trying to regain his memory. "Let's see now. The last thing I recall is that I was talking out loud to myself, gloating over the fact that I had just figured out how to invade the JLA's satellite headquarters with my- calculations!" Light gasped with shock as he realized that the two sheets of paper with his calculations on them might have been destroyed in those minutes he couldn't remember. He rushed to his desk, ready for a frantic search. But to his relief, the papers were right on top of the desk, undamaged.
"YESSSS!!!" Dr. Light exalted. "It doesn't matter what I was smoking or how much damage I may have inadvertently caused my own headquarters! For these papers are still intact, and I will still be able to invade the JLA's satellite headquarters tonight! And then, I, the brillia…um…the very smart Dr. Light, shall be able to…" he looked at the papers again, "…to…" he gave them another look "…um…" A moment later he cried out in frustration. "AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF ANY OF THIS GOBBLEDEGOOK!!!!! Bah! It's all worthless!" And in his anger, Light zapped the papers with a light blast from his gloves, completely incinerating them.
Depressed, Dr. Light slumped into his chair. "Why did I ever think those meaningless letters and numbers could help me invade the JLA satellite? Whatever I was smoking must've been a pretty strong halluci- hall- um…ARGH! THAT BIG WORD THAT MEANS A DRUG THAT MAKES YOU IMAGINE STUFF!!!" Light turned away from his desk in frustration. Then he spotted something. There were five glittering fragments of the broken xinothium case lying on the floor. His memory started recalling…something about a kid. Dr. Light shuddered. He never had liked children much, but now, he felt an irrational, pathological fear of them. But those five fragments were giving him an idea. "I know! Five! I shall team up with four other supervillains and together the five of us will be quite fearsome! Now if I could only think of a name for our group…"
Meanwhile, at that same moment, 22,300 miles above the Earth, eight members of the JLA were teleporting to their satellite headquarters. Flash, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, the Atom, Hawkman, Elongated Man, and Zatanna stepped out of the teleporter tubes, only to be met with a pleasant surprise.
"Sue!" a delighted Ralph exclaimed, giving his wife an affectionate hug. "So what brings you up here tonight, honey?"
"There was nothing on TV tonight, and I was bored, so I decided to come up here and look at the stars."
"Oh. Anything exciting happen?"
"No, it's been pretty uneventful, actually."
(IC, IC, IC)
Three months before Now.
Jean Lorring sat in her home, admiring the small but handy device lying on the floor. She had used some of Ray's old patents to make her own Atom suit, but it was this device that she was especially proud of . Cobbled together from the rest of Ray's patents, the Deus-X Machine-A was everything she could ever hope for in making her plan work. Not only could it allow her to use the white dwarf star matter without exploding when she grew to full size, the Deus-X Machine-A would also help her bypass all the Kryptonian/Martian/Thanagarian technology in the Dibny house security alarms and cameras, make herself invisible and inaudible to any security camera, leave behind no footprints (except on brain matter), and leave behind no scent that any animal or man or even Animal Man could detect.
But her favorite part of the Deus-X Machine-A was a handy little switch she had taken to calling the Retcon Switch. It could actually subtly change history. There was no time travel involved, and no change of any major historical events. But with just one flip of the Switch, and suddenly, it had always been true that every single superhero on the planet knew all the other superheroes' secret identities and every married superhero had revealed all those identities to their spouses. In this way, Jean now knew the secret identities of both Batman and Superman (the latter had come as a real shock to her; since Superman had never worn a mask and had never referred to a secret identity, she hadn't thought he had one). Before flipping the Retcon Switch, the names "Lois Lane" and "Jack Drake" had meant nothing to her. But now they, along with Sue, were the perfect pawns in her perfect plan to get Ray back.
To her own mind, the plan was simple. On Ralph's birthday, while Sue kept him out of the house and stayed indoors planning his surprise, Jean would give Sue a call, shrink down to atomic size, and travel to the Dibny house through the phone lines. She wasn't really going to hurt Sue, of course, she was just going to chase her around the house with a flamethrower. To Sue, it would just look like a flamethrower was floating in midair shooting fire at her. Jean would then fake her own hanging (giving Ray plenty of time to save her). She would then send a threatening note to Lois and hire a supervillain to go after Jack Drake- and send Drake a gun with which to defend himself, hopefully killing the supervillain. The whole crisis would be blamed on the supervillian, no one would get hurt (except for the villain, and who cared about scum like that?), and she and Ray would finally be back together. The only problem was that Ralph's birthday was several months away. But Sue often planned these birthday mysteries a few months ahead of schedule to really surprise him. Jean hoped that would be the case this year. She missed Ray so bad…
Suddenly, there erupted a bright light in the room followed by a loud BOOM! Suddenly, Ralph was there in some crazy looking contraption floating above her. To Jean's horror, Ralph's arm was stretching out of the contraption to steady himself, and his hand was heading right towards the Retcon Switch!
"No, Ralph, don't!" Jean frantically cried. But it was too late. Ralph's hand landed on the switch, flipping it, and just like that, all the secrets Jean had learned were instantly forgotten. But the worst was yet to come. Now the machine Ralph was on was falling, and it landed right on the Deus-X Machine-A, smashing it into a million pieces.
"YOU IDIOT!!! YOU IMBECILE!!! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!" Jean shrieked at Ralph. "Now I can't even remember Superman's secret identity!"
Ralph climbed out of the time machine, disoriented and confused. Something Jean had just said really bewildered him. "Superman…has a secret identity?"
"Well, now I can't remember if he does or not, but I know he must've had some kind of secret or I wouldn't be this upset!" Jean had exhausted her throat, screaming so loudly, and now she just panted, still seething.
Ralph looked at her. He couldn't remember why, but he knew he had to see Jean about something. There was something about her that made him feel very sad. Something about…oh, yes, her and Ray. "Jean, if you miss Ray, why don't you just tell him so?" he asked sadly.
"I wouldn't have needed to tell him! I had this perfect plan and now you've-"
"Plan? PLAN???" Now it was Ralph's turn to be furious. He couldn't remember why, but he could feel the fury boiling up inside him. His face elongated to a huge frightening caricature of rage. "YOU DON'T NEED A STUPID PLAN!!!" Jean backed away fearfully. Ralph's mind was still addled by the xinothium, but fortunately, what he had to do and say at this moment didn't really require that much intelligence. "All you have to do, is pick up the phone," here Ralph stretched his arm across the room to grab Jean's phone and snapped itback to her ear, "call his number," here Ralph dialed Ray's phone number, "and TELL HIM YOU MISS HIM, YOU FOOL!!!!" Now Ralph grabbed Jean's hand and made it hold the phone. But the hand Ralph was using to grab Jean was the hand with the xinothium on it. Ralph had just enough time to get Jean's hand on the phone, when an electric shock zapped Ralph and Jean away from each other. Ralph fell back onto the time machine, his head landing on the xinothium suction cups. An arm landed on the starter switch, and with a flash of light and a loud BOOM both Ralph and the time machine were gone.
Jean was on the floor, the phone still in her hand. She slowly got to her knees wondering how she got there. She looked across the room, staring at the pieces of the Deus-X Machine-A in confusion, for she couldn't remember anything about Ralph's visit, or the Deus-X Machine-A, or even anything about her plan. And yet, her mind didn't feel hazy at all. Quite the opposite, as if some dark cloud that had enveloped her mind had suddenly cleared. She could hear the phone ringing at the other end of the line. Had she been trying to call someone?
Someone on the other end of the line picked up the phone. "Hello?" It was Ray's voice.
"Ray, I-" Jean stopped. Her ex-husband. Jean could feel the ache of their long separation and wondered what had made her finally call him.
"Jean? Is that you? What is it?"
"Ray, I-" Jean could hear an angry voice explode inside her head: TELL HIM YOU MISS HIM, YOU FOOL!!!! "Ray, I-I've missed you." Jean began to cry. "I've really missed you."
"Jean, what –"
"I miss you, Ray, " Jean sobbed. "I love you, I don't want to be without you anymore. Please forgive me! Please come back to me!"
"Jean, honey, darling, my love-" Jean stopped sobbing. Could these words be coming from Ray? "Please put your phone away from your ear."
For a split second, Jean was confused. Then, realizing what Ray meant, she joyfully did as she was told. In an instant, Ray sprang from her phone, grew to full size, and they were in each other's arms, hugging each other fiercely. For a moment, neither spoke.
Jean looked up into his eyes. "Have you really c-come back to me?"
"Of course, I've come back to you. I'll marry you all over again if you'll have me. Jean, I have never stopped loving you. I can't tell you how much or how often I've longed for a moment like this. All you ever had to do was ask."
Jean closed her eyes and strengthened her hug. All I ever had to do was ask. I didn't have to…she couldn't remember what she didn't have to do and she didn't care. Some stupid bit of insanity that wasn't really her.
"Jean?"
"Yes, my love?"
"What happened to this place?"
Jean opened her eyes and saw that Ray was looking at the stray pieces of machinery scattered across the floor. "Some of that looks like pieces of some of my old patents."
Jean couldn't remember what those pieces were and she didn't care. They were threatening to ruin a perfectly romantic moment! She quickly thought up something plausible and boring to get his mind off of it. "Oh, I was trying to be an inventor, create a better microscope, you know, but, clumsy me, I dropped it."
"It looks more than dropped. It looks smashed!"
"Well, I was so angry with myself I just stomped all over it. And then I realized how much I missed you, and called you up." Good. Ray's attention was back on her, as it should be. She gave him her best, seductive smile. "So, aren't you going to kiss me?"
Ray Palmer and Jean Lorring. Lovers.
(IC, IC, IC)
The present.
"Mr. Dibny, can you hear me?"
Ralph stirred. He was lying on a familiar looking cot, looking up at a familiar looking man. The man was leaning towards Ralph, looking worried.
"Mr. Dibny, do you know who I am?"
"Yes," Ralph answered slowly. "You're Dr. Benson Doneyhew, inventor of a time machine."
"Do you know where you are?"
"I'm in a cot in your lab."
"Do you know who you are?"
"I'm Batman. HA! Just kidding. Man, I loved that old commercial…"
"He's back to normal, Doctor," said the brunette woman, coming forward, smiling. "Only Ralph could be that corny."
"SUE!" Ralph leaped out of the cot, wrapped Sue in his arms, and gave her one big, elongated kiss. Suddenly he pulled away as he was seized by an old dread. "And what about Dr. Light?" he asked, anxiously.
Sue blinked. "You mean our old friend and former JLE teammate, Dr. Kimyo Hoshi? Well, she sent an e-mail the other day about how her oldest child was entering high school…"
"No, not that Dr. Light! The other one! The first one! The bad one!" he said frantically.
"That doofus? What about him?"
Now it was Ralph's turn to be confused. "He didn't, um, hurt you, or something?"
Sue laughed. "Ralph, I've never even met the man."
"Oh, yeah." And now that she said that, he remembered: she hadn't. So why was I so worried about that? But this minor mystery was replaced by a new dread. "And what about- Jean?"
Sue looked at him uncertainly. "Um…Jean…Grey?"
"What the-? Jean Grey?! The comic book character?! No, I mean the real Jean! Our Jean! Jean Lorring!"
"Well, that was the first Jean that came to my mind, but since I didn't do so hot guessing which Dr. Light you were referring to…"
"Never mind that now! What of Jean?"
"Well, as you know, she and Ray are getting back together, they're going to be remarried, and we're invited to the wedding."
"REALLY??? THAT'S WONDERFULL!!!!" Ralph was so overjoyed he gave Sue another wrapped around, elongated kiss.
When the kiss finally ended, Sue leaned against his chest and chuckled. "You weren't so happy about this news before."
And just as Sue said that, he remembered. Three months ago, Ralph had planned this romantic evening with Sue, complete with candlelight dinner and iced champagne. They had just sat down for dinner, when Jean called Sue. Jean had just got back together with Ray and wanted to tell Sue all about it. Ralph had been happy for Ray and Jean, really, but she and Sue talked on the phone for hours, or so it had felt like. At any rate, by the time Sue had got off the phone, the dinner had gotten cold, the champagne had gotten warm, the candles had melted down to stubs, and Ralph was feeling irritable. He had said something testy, Sue had flared up, furious that he wasn't sharing in their friends' happiness, they had a big marital spat, and the end result was that on a night Ralph had planned as a romantic evening, he hadn't got any. (But they did have fun making up a couple of days later.)
"Mr. Dibny, I'm delighted to see that you're alright, but I'd really like to ask you a few questions," said Dr. Doneyhew , stepping forward. "Like why did you just take off in my time machine like that, and what did you do in your time traveling."
"Yes, Ralph," said Sue. "You just jumped into the machine as soon as you laid Beaker on the cot, and then just took off."
Ralph thought about it for a minute. "I'm sorry, but I really can't remember," he said honestly. "I mean, I vaguely recall jumping into your time machine, but for the life of me, I can't remember why, or what I did when I was time traveling."
"That sounds similar to my experience," said Baxter Beaker, stepping forward. "I can't remember what I did in my travels, or why I selected the dates I did. I guess I'm lucky amnesia is all that I've got. According to Sue and Doneyhew, when I first came to, I was way out of it."
"Really? Did the same thing happen to me?"
"No, Mr. Dibny, when you first came back, you were unconscious, like Beaker, but this is the first time you've woken since you got back. Apparently, the xinothium had an unforeseen side effect, causing a temporary brain damage on you both," said Doneyhew. "My theory is that the effect of the xinothium on you, combined with any changed history you might have done, has caused you to completely forget the original history, and what you did to change that history."
"Then why didn't I wake up all wonky like Beaker, here, no offense."
"None taken."
"Well, it probably has something to do with this," Doneyhew gestured to the cracked open xinothium case. The case was clearly now empty. "My theory is that with the case cracked open, all the remaining xinothium leaked out by the time you returned to the present, so it was no longer affecting you. It's probably just as well. If anybody had ever been exposed to that much xinothium, the brain damage would likely be permanent, or at the very least, long lasting. I know this is a long shot, but do you have any idea how this case was broken?"
Ralph tried to recall, but, "Nope, sorry. Don't have a clue."
"Well, I have a clue! More than a clue! I'm destroying this stupid time machine! I nearly lost a good assistant and a good friend in Beaker! And from what Mrs. Dibny was telling me while you were gone, she nearly lost a good husband. And with neither of you able to remember what you did, there's no telling what unspeakable horrors you may have accidentally unleashed. Beaker selected the year 2000 for one of his dates. Who knows? Maybe he accidentally did something that caused that terrible man, Lex Luthor to be elected President, resulting in the complete destruction of Topeka, Kansas and everyone in it!"
"You got a point there, Doc," said Beaker. "I always did wonder how a third party candidate who's been divorced eight times, and whose ninth wife and only daughter both disappeared under very suspicious circumstances, and who's been on trial for attempted murder and similar offenses, and who has through the years, mysteriously gotten younger, could ever get elected President. But, hey, that's just me."
"And to think, there are some fools in the medical community who actually think xinothium can be used to cure insanity! But once we destroy that machine, I'm submitting a report on the effect it had on you and Mr. Dibny. Once that report is read, no one will ever want to use that stuff ever again!"
Ralph's nose began twitching, as it always did when he encountered a mystery, and there were several intriguing ones here. Why had he taken the time machine? What did he do in his travels? How did that xinothium case get broken? Why did he come back so worried about the first Dr. Light and Jean Lorring? He had an uneasy feeling that the joy he had felt when Sue reminded him of Ray and Jean's reconciliation had had absolutely nothing to do with any happiness he might've felt for two divorced old friends getting remarried. And he had a distant memory that Dr. Light hadn't always been a doofus.
But then he looked at Sue, and felt this enormous relief, as if a huge burden had just rolled off his shoulders. A burden he should never of had to bear, a burden it was downright stupid to have to bear, and his nose stopped twitching. Some mysteries just aren't worth exploring, he thought for the first time in his life. Smiling, he took Sue's arm and led her out the door. "What's say we leave these two to their deconstructing, and get a bite to eat?"
"Good idea, honey. By the way, we had some real excitement here while you were gone. Captain Boomerang showed up and tried to rob us."
"No kidding? Why?"
"He was talking crazy. Kept raving about how he needed to go back in time or else his speedster son would never be born."
"Speedster son?"
"I'm just repeating what he said. Fortunately, Firestorm put a stop to him."
"Oh, really? Which one?"
"Y'know, Ronnie. The only Firestorm that's ever been. Ralph, are you sure you're okay?"
"Sue, I've never felt better." Ralph nestled his chin up to Sue's. She nestled back, then gave a start.
"Oh, I almost forgot, speaking of lunch, Maxwell Lord called. It seems there's this Gotham City businessman named Jack Drake who's interested in co-financing the Superbuddies."
"Hey, maybe this Jack Drake is Batman!"
"Doubtful. He's shown no interest in superheroes until recently. Anyways, Max wants us to have lunch with him and his wife, Dana…"
center>The End /center>