What Rough Beast
It was happening. The worst was happening, and he didn't even know how it had begun…but Carrot was there, now, screaming and growling and…changing.
What could he do to stop it? No one else was there. Was one of them dead, was that why this had happened? Please god, no. It couldn't, it couldn't be that…besides, he was sure that he would feel it if one of the other three had died. No, but something had set Carrot off…it must be Sacher, that bastard. It must be some spell, some trigger. He must be behind it.
Very well, he was fairly sure that no one was dead…but now Carrot was here, in front of him, writhing on all fours…it wouldn't be long before nothing could help him…help them...
He fell to his knees beside him, clamped his hands roughly around Carrot's shoulders and wrenched him up to face him. "CARROT! Carrot, snap out of it! Carrot…?"
Carrot's eyes blindly moved in all directions; they glowed with an unholy and unnatural light. Suddenly they clenched shut and he looked a little like his old self for a second…but then two curved and bony spikes thrust themselves impossibly from under his chin, on either side of his neck, and his flesh rippled in waves. Tears streamed down his cheeks from the pain, and his lips parted to reveal fangs newly burst from bloody gums. "Pl….ease…oh g…g..od…help me….!"
Looking down at Carrot like that, he felt the urge to cry himself. Such pain…! But what could he do? He knew no magic, and somehow he knew that beating on him wouldn't have the same sealing affect as when Tira or Chocolate did so. Why was he the only one of the Peers that had no way of helping Carrot when something like this happened? He was useless.
Now Carrot couldn't speak any more. His jaw was elongating, becoming the slavering muzzle of a wolf. His eyes were losing all traces of humanity. His hands, which had been pleadingly clutching at the other's back, had burst into claws, which were now deeply embedded in the flesh they had lain against.
Blood coursed down his back from Carrot's grip, but he didn't notice. He shook his head in desperation as he knelt there in front of the end of the world as it came into being in front of him, and he had no words of comfort, no spells, nothing strong to give him…this is the way the world ends, not with a bang…but a whimper…
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry—" He said it, again and again, to the bucking and screaming Thing beneath him as It tried to rip him to pieces. He bent his face down to those snapping wolf's jaws…
…no…the trembling lips of a boy. The spikes retracted into his neck again, the claws subsided…but he cried out harshly and leaned forward, tightening his grip on the other man and clamping his chin down onto the other's shoulder, as two tattered black wings burst from his back.
Carrot groaned, opened his eyes wildly, shoved the other down to the ground with the strength of the terror and the threat coursing through his dilated veins…
The other didn't show what it felt like to be lying against the rocky ground on a back that was now a series of bloody ribbons, or let himself wince at the pain of the bites on his neck and shoulders. He could help…he could help…that was all that mattered.
"It doesn't matter…doesn't matter…"
Carrot understood.
Amid the Ruins
He stood there, waist-deep in the water, washing out each cut and scratch.
Carrot sat on the shore, watching quietly. He winced when he saw fresh blood come from a gash that had been caked with grit…but the man who silently cleansed himself in the river did not wince. After…forever, he seemed to have reached an end to his wounds, and stepped out of the water. He sat down noiselessly next to Carrot.
Carrot kept his gaze fixed on the river, handing the other man his jeans without looking at him. Suddenly he couldn't look at him…couldn't speak to him, either. It was all right though…he seemed to understand. He didn't press Carrot.
It doesn't matter…doesn't matter…
God. He had—
Carrot drew his legs up to his chest and buried his face in his arms. He stayed like that, in a tight ball, his body shaking. But he couldn't let him hear…he couldn't make any noise…what right had he to cry…after…
The other man pulled on his jeans and tried (and failed) to pull on his shirt and his jacket. His back was too raw…but it would heal. They could heal him, if nothing else.
It doesn't matter.
He still didn't speak, but leaned against Carrot and put one arm around him—tightly. This made Carrot uncurl slightly and it also loosened his rigid control on his breath, and on his voice…one harsh sob escaped, and after that a torrent. Every breath and every word sounded as if it were ripped from somewhere deep.
"How…how can you…you can't comfort me, that's wrong…!"
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?!" Carrot violently ripped away the arm around his shoulders and stood up. He stayed there for a moment, his back to the other man. Then, slowly, he wheeled around.
"Hate me…hate me…please…?"
The other only shook his head.
Carrot fell to his knees. "Then…shout at me, beat the crap out of me…do anything…get mad at me, at least!"
The other man shook his head again. "Why? That wasn't you."
"It was me, it's always me…! I mean…I was there, I saw you, I could…feel…you…" Carrot's voice broke off. The other man had lowered his head.
After awhile words came from the hidden mouth. They were like quiet thunder, but they drowned out anything Carrot could have said.
"If you were there…I'm glad. You used me to pull yourself back into this world…and I'm glad. I found a way to help you…and. I'm. glad. You're back now. I wanted you back. The sooner we forget about what happened, the better. I don't regret it, and neither should you."
Without another word, the man pulled on his boots and rose, stuffing his shirt and jacket partly down the back of his jeans. He began to walk towards the distant city. After a moment, Carrot followed him.
They did not speak on the way back.
They came to the outskirts of the city at nightfall. As they were making for the center of town, a chorus of familiar voices assailed them and they both turned as one to greet them.
"Darling! Thank Heaven!"
"Carrot…we were so worried…"
"Niisan…I'm glad you're all right. I thought—"
Carrot looked up steadily at Gateau as the others flocked around him. Then he closed his eyes and turned to face them.
"Of course I'm all right, we just ran into some trouble, that's all." He nodded over to where Gateau stood off to the side, quiet and unnoticed. "In fact I was just telling Gateau that he should get his back looked at by one of you guys once we got here…he said it was no big deal, but I was all like, 'Hey, That looks kind of bad,' and then—" Carrot acted his part very well. He was the same old Carrot, talking quickly and carelessly, just managing to brush the point in passing.
Marron unconcernedly walked over to Gateau, just to see what his brother was talking about. Gateau took a step back. No…Marron would know.
"It's all right. Carrot's just over-reacting, as usual." Gateau grinned cheerfully and retreated another step.
Marron stepped forward, a little apprehensive now. "Gateau? I should at least look at it."
Gateau shook his head, wearing his most disarming smile. He took another step back, made as if to turn—
Marron moved forward in a flash. All of the sudden he saw what the night had obscured from all of them.
Marron opened his mouth to speak, his face full of shock. Gateau spun around and cut him off with a harsh whisper. "Not one word, not one fucking word…please. Please, Marron…!"
Marron's mouth shut with a click and he mechanically turned to rejoin the others. Gateau forced himself into his shirt and jacket and walked over to them. Together, they headed to their quarters in the city.
Carrot was having trouble sleeping, so he noticed it when Marron quietly slid out of his bed and walked through their darkened room to the door.
"Marron? Where are you going?"
Marron shut his eyes. It was painful, but he gathered that Carrot and Gateau didn't want them to know what had caused those horrible marks on Gateau's back…so Marron had to act his own part now. He made his voice sound as light and natural as possible.
"Well…to be honest, Niisan…I think Gateau was acting rather foolish this evening. Some of those wounds were pretty deep…I'm going to try and convince him to let me treat them."
Carrot nodded in the blackness. "That's a good idea…he's probably just trying to be all macho and everything." His voice was very quiet.
"…doubtless." Marron answered in equally quiet tones. He waited another moment but Carrot didn't say anything more, so he gently opened the door and let himself out.
After Marron left, Carrot turned over in the bed. He pressed his face deeply into the pillow, almost to the point of suffocation. When would be able to forget it…that feeling…and more, Gateau's face beneath him, so full of pain, but…looking at him…willing him back.
"Who is it?" A golden voice, thick with sleep, came from the other side of Gateau's door.
"Marron. May I come in?"
"Marron." The voice said nothing more, either to the positive or to the negative, so Marron opened the door and walked in.
Gateau had obviously been sleeping on his stomach, and now he tried to move onto his side to face Marron…and to obscure the jagged trails crisscrossing his back.
"Don't." Marron came over to kneel beside him. "I need to see those."
Gateau mutely obeyed. Marron already knew, after all…and besides, he could be trusted not to say anything. Gateau felt quite secure about that. To Marron…what could be easier than silence?
Marron passed his hands an inch or so above the skin of Gateau's back, being careful not to touch it more than was absolutely necessary. Then his jaw set and he began the long process of healing what he was now completely convinced was his brother's work.
Gateau closed his eyes and let the coolness wash over him. The rawness and the salt-edged pain started to fade. Marron's quiet concern and devotion poured itself into the magic, making it stronger, mending Gateau. It took some time, but eventually Marron lowered his hands and allowed himself to lean against the bed. His strength had left him for the moment, though it would return presently.
Gateau shifted and sat up. "Thank you. Thank you, Marron."
Marron breathed awhile before answering. "You're welcome." He paused to take a few more breaths before continuing. "And now…I want you to tell me…how you got those wounds—"
Gateau made as if to protest, but Marron slowly raised his hand to silence him. "No. Look…I understand…I know it was my brother…and I won't…I mean, I'll do whatever you want…I won't say anything. But I have to know…so I can help you both…" Marron subsided.
Gateau's head jerked downward sharply when he heard that. Marron cared about him as well as Carrot, Marron was worried about him…Marron wanted to help. Part of him wanted so badly to tell Marron, to let Marron reassure him or lay a kind hand on him or just hear it from him…but no one could hear this. It wasn't fair to Carrot to tell anyone…and how would Marron look at Gateau if he knew…?
Gateau looked up, his decision made. "All right, Marron. Its true…Carrot made those marks. We think someone tried to unleash Hakaishin. It was strange…all of a sudden he started changing, but nothing had struck at us…not that we could see, anyway. He almost—well, of course I don't know that. But it was really scary, for awhile there…" He trailed off, unsure of how much he could tell Marron before he could go no further.
Marron wasn't going to be satisfied with that, however, and the next question he asked was the one Gateau dreaded.
"And how did you stop my brother?"
Gateau froze, desperately trying to think of an explanation. Damn it…how was he going to think of an explanation when what had actually happened didn't even make any sense?
Marron waited quite some time for Gateau to answer before he finally spoke again.
"My brother appeared quite unharmed. In fact, there did not seem to be a scratch on him. But you—I've never seen you like this. Almost as if you let him—"
"…Marron…please…for Carrot if nothing else, don't ask me."
Marron's voice came in quiet, staccato bursts. "The two of you found a way to reverse the emergence of Hakaishin. Without magic. Without attacking my brother in any way. Do you not see that I must know what happened? It is vital that—"
"Marron…! It's…not anything that…you could do…I'm not even sure how it happened…please, its just something I can't tell you, okay?" He could dimly see Marron's face in the half-light, and the concern and determination etched there drove a cold spike into his heart. Marron was not going to be put off—not when it concerned his brother like this. His brother… "Look, Marron…if Carrot wants to tell you, then that's okay—you can tell him that, even. But I won't tell you, okay? I can't."
Marron looked at Gateau steadily, but now his gaze was met with stony determination. "All right. Good night, Gateau." He had recovered enough to rise and walk across the room before he had to lean on the doorjamb for a moment. Then he squared his shoulders and walked out of the room without looking back. Gateau wondered briefly if Marron felt hurt…but he didn't know what else he could have said. Ultimately he settled onto his (now whole) back and fell into another uneasy sleep.
Quite some time had passed before Marron made it back to the bedroom he shared with his brother. In the interval Carrot had finally managed to fall asleep. He was lying there now, tangled up in the sheets and his own clothing, his head slipped off the pillows. Marron knew from long familiarity that Carrot could be a restless dreamer, even talking in his sleep sometimes (mostly about girls). Every once in awhile he had nightmares about Hakaishin…terrible ones that woke Marron in the middle of the night. During these times he would always gently shake his brother awake, and then do whatever seemed best…reassure him, get him something, or just hold him until he went back to sleep…Marron was no stranger to his brother's nightmares.
This time, though…was strange.
Not a nightmare…not one of those funny nonsensical dreams, either. Carrot just kept muttering, his face tensed, as one hand now caged itself, now flattened itself, against the bed. He struggled with the sheets around him as he dreamed, but somehow none of this woke him. Marron watched for a moment with concern and then decided he should probably wake him…Carrot wasn't screaming or thrashing this time, but he seemed so distraught…it must be another nightmare, after all. He moved toward Carrot's bed with determination…but then he heard the words.
"…got to…hold on…hold…tighter…please…don't…let go…or…" Carrot gasped and dug his face into the bed, as if he were hiding from something. No…more like forcing himself into the smallest possible space for protection, backed into a corner...
Marron's brows drew together. What was this?
"Please…just a little…more…hhhnnnh…" Now Carrot's fingers closed around the sheets beneath his hand, crushing them violently together. A moment later his entire body seemed to relax. Marron's face reddened and he fell back a step when he saw the overpowering relief that flooded Carrot's features…somehow, it was clearly sexual. Marron was just about to retreat to his own bed, convinced that he had been wrong about Carrot having a nightmare, when Carrot's expression shifted once more. Relief was replaced with horror and sorrow; the change was so dramatic that Marron started. Carrot was still dreaming though...was it still the same dream?
Now the words barely made it past his lips. He whispered them so quietly and indistinctly that Marron bent close to hear them, feeling slightly ashamed as he did so.
"…red…everywhere…did I…do that…?"
Carrot turned his face so that it was against the bed again.
"…oh god…so…sorry…Gateau."
Marron's eyes widened and his knees gave way. Suddenly he went from bending over Carrot to sitting on the floor next to Carrot's bed. He put his hand to his mouth to stop himself from making any noise; he didn't trust himself not to…
Marron swallowed a couple of times, trying to recover. No…what Carrot said in his dreams could mean anything, of course. Those few indistinct, nonsensical words didn't have to mean that his brother had…had… He shut his eyes tightly against the images and assumptions crashing through his mind and clambered into his bed, pulling all of the sheets over him. It wouldn't have mattered what else Carrot said at that point…Marron could hear nothing but his own churning thoughts. As a matter of fact, Carrot slept without dreaming for the rest of the night.
Marron did not sleep that night.
The next day they moved on.
They hadn't been at breakfast for ten minutes when Dotta had popped up and given them new assignments. Marron had watched Carrot as she spoke to them, and was sure that he tensed when she mentioned that Big Mama had decided to split them into two teams. Dotta explained that Mama wanted Chocolate and Gateau to investigate reports of a monster in the forests of the southeastern region of Shiraz, while the other three were to head due east to Amandine, where a young sorcerer was said to be causing a lot of damage. They would meet up at Amandine on the third day. It did not escape Marron's notice that Carrot seemed to relax visibly as Dotta explained this. He turned to survey Gateau, but could read nothing from his expression. He seemed merely to be listening intently to Dotta's instructions.
Every time the five were asked to split up, the same rituals had always followed. Chocolate would hold onto Carrot and talk about how hard it was for lovers to be apart, but how they had to be brave…and Carrot would do his best to look stoic and play along for her (while Tira fumed). Gateau would tell Marron that he was looking beautiful as ever, and follow up offering to let him see his muscles one more time before they left. Depending on his mood, Marron would then either walk away…or watch silently and uncomfortably as Gateau pranced around until it was time for them to go.
This time, something was different. Chocolate held fast to Carrot like always, but he responded to her more mechanically than usual. Marron marveled that neither her nor Tira seemed to notice. Gateau, for his part, was silently preoccupied with packing their gear, adjusting his pack…he didn't even look at Marron. When he straightened up, satisfied that everything was ready, he finally seemed to notice Marron's eyes on him. His gaze flickered like he was remembering something, and then suddenly he had risen and was walking over.
"Ah, Marron…you're looking beautiful today. It'll be hard to leave you." Gateau smiled…with his mouth only. His eyes were curiously lifeless.
Marron looked at him quietly.
"Hey." Gateau spoke his lines like a tired actor. "Do you want to see my muscles one more time before I go?"
Marron frowned. "Yes, I've been able to think of nothing else all morning. Please, show them to me!" His voice was hard. It was a challenge.
Gateau stood stock-still. He was taken completely off guard.
Marron frowned again. Then, in tones of acid, he said, "Well? It's a small favor to ask, isn't it? After all, I won't get to see them for three whole days. I have to have something to think about at night." Inside, he was wondering why he was saying these things to Gateau…did he want to hurt him?
Gateau's face darkened, but he forced his mouth into a smile again. "Of course, Marron, I'm sorry." He ripped his shirt and jacket away so savagely that the others looked over at them, startled. "There you go. Look at me…all you want."
Of course there was nothing there, now. Marron scrutinized Gateau with a surgeon's eyes and found no scar, no mark. He had done his job well. Everything had been erased… Marron gritted his teeth. Nothing had been erased! Gateau seemed determined to bury what had happened to him, pretend it had all been wiped away along with his wounds…but Marron could see it. There were scars, and then there were scars.
"It's not gone," Marron said, his voice suddenly very tired. He turned and walked off.
Gateau abruptly threw on his shirt and went back to his camping gear, as if nothing had happened. Carrot apologized to Chocolate and gently disconnected himself from her to go kneel next to Gateau.
"Hey. Gateau."
"Yeah."
Carrot stopped. What had he been going to say? He knelt there for a moment, then put his hand on Gateau's shoulder.
"Be careful, huh?"
"Yeah."
Carrot waited another moment, then got up and went back to Chocolate. Gateau stood up and said something or other about burning daylight, and with that the five of them split up.
The forests of Shiraz were dark and tangled; the thick canopy did not admit light, but rather filtered it. The result was a green haze on all sides of them during the day, and pitch-blackness at night. Chocolate shuddered and said it was like being trapped—or buried. Gateau shrugged absentmindedly. They methodically combed the forests as best they could for anything suspicious, but found nothing on the first day. That night, they made a fire and settled down in watches to see what, if anything, the fire would attract. It was during Gateau's watch that the thing struck.
Chocolate awoke to see him standing there, his back to the fire, while all the blackness before him seemed to swim and throb with the most terrifying sounds…a deep growling, snapping teeth, claws scraping across the forest floor. Then the flames danced higher and Chocolate saw the thing Gateau faced. It was indescribable…as if somehow not one wolf but a snarling, starving pack of wolves had mingled into one animal…one monstrous, ungainly thing that loped and slithered on many paws. Eyes glittered and regarded the two Hunters hungrily. Claws dug into the ground. Gateau did not move.
Chocolate was fearful to make any noise…at the moment, Gateau and the thing were locked in each others' gazes, neither advancing. Finally, though, she could bare it no longer. Chocolate always acted. For that matter, so did Gateau…what was he doing?
Chocolate jumped to her feet and threw off her travelling clothes, drawing her wire taut and running it along her teeth, ready for blood. In the same moment, Gateau slowly turned…he looked at her with the eyes of a sleepwalker.
The creature roared and rolled forward in a wave of limbs and mouths. It sensed that Gateau was completely unguarded and lashed at him. Chocolate cried out and leapt to intercept it, neatly slicing off one pulsating arm. The thing shuddered and it was horrible to see a ripple pass through the beast—every discordant appendage and half-maw shook. Then it began to dissolve, or rot…the thing continued to snarl and gurgle until there was nothing left but a steaming, tarry mass of bones.
Chocolate watched first in horror, then in revulsion. Finally nausea overtook her and she bent over sharply, gasping. After a few moments she recovered and looked over at Gateau. He had not moved.
"GATEAU…?"
Chocolate rushed over to him, suddenly afraid that he may have been hurt or poisoned somehow. Perhaps it had happened before she had woken up…! She took his arm and wrenched him around to face her, then hastily examined him. After a moment, she stood back, baffled. Nothing was wrong…
"Gateau…?"
His eyes focused and for the first time he seemed to look at her. "…Chocolate."
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! YOU JUST STOOD THERE! DO YOU WANT TO DIE OR SOMETHING?"
Gateau blinked. "I don't want to die…"
"Then why did you freeze up? It could have killed us both before I woke up!"
"…I wouldn't have let it hurt you."
Chocolate stepped up to him so that she was no more than an inch away and clamped her hands around Gateau's upper arms. He looked down at her.
"Gateau…what the hell is wrong with you? You've never acted this way before."
"I'm sorry that I worried you, Chocolate. You did a great job." Gateau spoke genuinely.
Chocolate stared at him for a moment anxiously, then made an exclamation of annoyance and walked over to examine the thing's corpse. "PAH! I'll never understand men…!" She sifted through the bones with a branch from the fire and then suddenly cried out in surprise. "Gateau! Come here!"
Gateau walked over to her. She dug out what she had found, making noises of disgust as she was forced to touch the filthy bones. Finally, she came out with her prize…a small white stone. She handed it to Gateau.
He wrinkled his brow and took it over to the fire to examine it. It was a strange little thing…somehow even after coming from that teeming mass of flesh it was perfectly spotless. It was about the size of a large coin and flat on one end. When Gateau turned it over, he saw a strange symbol inscribed on the flat end. He turned to face Chocolate.
"We'll have to take this to Marron."
Carrot, Marron and Tira had meanwhile reached Amandine. Vino, the sorcerer there, was little more than a boy…but he had already managed to harness a powerful forbidden magic; the magic of Chimera.
The parsoners of Amandine were terrified experimental animals in a city-sized cage. Some of them had been combined with animals, monsters…even other people. The more successful amalgamations were kept as Vino's soldiers and personal bodyguard…the others were destroyed, or expelled from the city. As their numbers dwindled, so did the spirits of the parsoners. Two brief uprisings had been wildly unsuccessful.
The Sorcerer Hunters were not cruel, but they showed no mercy. Vino and his chimeras were destroyed.
Carrot walked through the wreckage after the fight and looked upon the faces of once-men…and he wept, because this had been him. At times he had been all beast, at times his soul had flickered back and forth between human consciousness and a submerged state beneath the black wings of Hakaishin…but always he was only on the cusp of true humanity. He was more like the beasts they had put down than the parsoners they had saved.
Marron and Tira were approaching. Carrot quickly wiped his eyes on the back of his arm and turned to face them. "What a mess, huh?" He said quietly.
That night and the next day they helped the parsoners bury their dead.
When they met up in Amandine on the third day, the city was starting the long road to recovery. The chimeras were buried and remembered as the beloved men and women they had been, and the people were taking restitution from Vino's empty palace in an orderly way, methodically recovering the contents and dividing it equally among the families. If the Hunters suspected that this was because the parsoners were aware they had remained in Amandine, they didn't voice this suspicion. Their role was officially over; even if the people did lapse into lawlessness and start looting and destroying the palace, the Hunters would not have denied them this.
As it was, the people of Amandine had offered the Hunters everything they had in gratitude, and the Hunters had gently refused. They declined the opportunity to stay in the palace until Gateau and Chocolate arrived; instead they chose to stay in an abandoned house. On the third day they had been quietly eating together on the porch when the two had come upon them…it had been easy to find out where "Amandine's saviors" were staying just by asking around.
Chocolate flew to Carrot and her sister, talking a mile a minute about the disgusting beast they had encountered and how gloomy and awful the forest had been and had she mentioned that the thing had been disgusting? She didn't say a word about how strange Gateau had been; Gateau appreciated that. He smiled and sat down next to Marron, who was coincidentally nearest to the bread they had all been sharing.
"So. You gonna eat all of that?"
"Of course not. I'd burst. Here, have some."
Gateau tried to say "thank you," but "Nn-nnph" was all that emerged from his mouth. He had already stuffed it with bread.
Marron chuckled and leaned back against the side of the house. Everything was back to normal…Gateau closed his eyes and allowed himself to fully enjoy the simple sensation of eating something. For a day or so after fighting the thing in the wood, neither he nor Chocolate had felt very hungry. Ah…! That made him remember the stone.
"Hey, Marron. We found this on that monster Mama sent us after. Know what it is?"
Marron took the stone Gateau handed him and examined it. Then he placed it on the boards in front of him and pressed his hands together. The stone quivered and dissolved into white flame, leaving no trace behind. He turned to Gateau.
"It looks to me as if the beast Chocolate described was one of Vino's abortive experiments. That stone enabled the separate bodies of many animals to exist as one…highly imperfect…monster. It is well that you destroyed it."
Gateau shuddered. "Unnatural…an abomination."
Neither of them saw Carrot's wince.
They had planned to leave the city after meeting up there, but as sometimes happens, they delayed. They all seemed mildly shocked by the coming nightfall, as if none of them had marked the passing of time. This presented a slight problem: the house they had selected for the three of them to stay in was not terribly comfortable for five, and matters were complicated by the fact that Chocolate was now with them. She couldn't honestly be expected to sleep in the same room as Carrot and not try something…they all knew this even if they didn't say so. So, for everyone's peace of mind (by which everyone tactfully meant Tira's peace of mind), it was necessary to try to find another empty house. This wasn't too hard…Amandine had been verging on depopulation. They found one not too far away that would suit the girls admirably, and so men and women were decorously separated for the night.
As they walked back to "their" house, the three men fell silent. They had been talking and laughing easily with Tira and Chocolate; the presence of the girls had made them forget the concerns and fears they had about each other. Now, however, they faced the prospect of spending the night together.
The house they had originally selected had three partitions: the kitchen, a common room, and a tiny bedroom. The last couple of nights this had been ideal; Tira had the comparative privacy of the bedroom while Carrot and Marron had slept in the common room. None of the "rooms" had a real door, but that hadn't mattered before. With Chocolate, it would have been a problem…and with the three men, it might still be a problem. Marron worried about all sorts of things that might happen, not the least of which was Carrot having more dreams…dreams that Gateau might hear. God, how might that make him feel…
But, there was nothing for it. As long as Carrot and Gateau chose to ignore whatever had happened on their last mission together, Marron certainly couldn't bring it up to them now. Well—perhaps that wasn't true…he could try to talk to Carrot about it. Gateau had even said as much. If Carrot denied him too, perhaps there really was nothing more he could do about it…but he wouldn't know until he tried to speak to him. Marron determined to wake Carrot and have a talk with him after Gateau had fallen asleep.
In the end, that was exactly what Marron did. He stayed awake (it wasn't hard, with the anxiety he felt at the idea of confronting his brother) until he was absolutely sure that Gateau was asleep. They had given Gateau the bedroom, so he was a little removed from them…Marron hoped that a quiet conversation with his brother wouldn't wake him. He rolled over to face his brother and sat up a little, gathering his courage. Then, he gently put a hand on Carrot's shoulder and shook him awake. Carrot started to say something, but Marron put a finger over his brother's lips and whispered for him to please be quiet.
"All right, Marron…" Carrot whispered back. "What is it?"
"Niisan…I need to talk to you about something…important."
Carrot propped himself up on one elbow. "Sure, Marron. Anything."
Marron took a deep breath, then let it out. "You remember when I healed Gateau."
Carrot nodded.
"The marks on his back…you made them, didn't you." It wasn't so much a question as a statement that Marron wanted Carrot to confirm…or deny.
Carrot looked away. "…yes…"
"How did such a thing happen, niisan?" Marron added hastily, "I know you would never do such a thing deliberately…"
Carrot still didn't look up. His next words threw Marron for a moment. "Chimeras…"
"…niisan?"
"Those people…those things we saw. They were people once, weren't they? Normal everyday people…but then something happened and they became monsters instead…and they lost their humanity, didn't they?"
Marron nodded, still not sure of where Carrot was going with this…but afraid that he could guess.
"Marron?!" Carrot asked it suddenly, even desperately. "Where did their souls go, Marron? Were they trapped, or were they…destroyed? Along with their humanity?"
Marron looked at his brother open-mouthed. "Niisan, I don't know…! But…I'm sure that no soul could be destroyed by such a thing…"
Carrot was sitting hunched over now, his legs crossed. He put a hand over his eyes. "God…I hope not…But then, being trapped would be awful too. I know…." He broke off.
Marron leaned forward. "What do you mean, niisan? Please, tell me."
Carrot turned to face him. "Marron, you asked me about the marks on Gateau's back, didn't you."
Marron nodded. He didn't understand why Carrot kept jumping from one subject to the other and back again, but he knew it would be disastrous to disrupt him or press him further.
"Well…when I gave those to him…I was changing into Hakaishin. Something, I don't know what, set me off…I could feel myself melting, not just my body but my humanity, running like…wax…it was losing shape. I was losing shape…" Carrot's voice was shaking now as he remembered it.
Marron felt awful now for causing his brother such pain, and was about to tell him it was all right, he didn't need to know…but Carrot went on. Once he had started he felt he had to tell Marron, he had to get it out…his words came faster and faster until it was difficult for Marron to understand him clearly.
"He was the only one there. We didn't know what was happening…for all we knew the three of you were dead, and that was why…I tried, I tried, but I couldn't stop. It wouldn't stop. I beat my soul against it and that wasn't enough. I begged him to help me…he didn't know what to do…and I was changing…"
Carrot dug his fingernails into his upper arms.
"I was almost gone when I heard him again. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry…' He just said it, over and over again, and I went toward it…I thought I felt him reaching out to me, I tried to get there…but it was so far…I screamed and I felt it in me again instead of outside…but it was in me, I knew it would get out again. And sometimes I didn't see anything at all, it was just fire…fire and darkness, and I couldn't see him or hear him anymore. I thought I saw a soldier come towards me, I thought he wanted to kill me…but he threw down his spear and bowed to me…I went to him…no…it was Gateau…"
Now Carrot was rocking back and forth, his face buried behind his arms.
"It was Gateau…wasn't it? God…I pushed him down…he said it was all right…I pushed him down…I had to hold on…hold on to something…I held onto him…I dug into him…every part of me…every part of me…"
Marron's voice was broken. "No…niisan…"
Carrot looked at him and his face was terrifying. "Scratches on his back. God…if that was all I gave him…then it wouldn't be…so bad…"
Marron shook his head violently and took his brother by the shoulders. "STOP. Please…he said…it was all right…he wanted to help you….right? It wasn't your fault…"
Carrot shook. "It doesn't matter…it can't matter. It happened, don't you see? I did that to him…and afterwards, he wanted to know if I was all right…" With that, he finally seemed to lose momentum.
For awhile the two brothers just sat there. Marron had risen enough so that he could draw Carrot's head to rest against his chest, and he kept hold of him like that, looking across the room to the silent darkness where Gateau slept. It was true, then. Carrot had needed something outside of himself to hold onto; something to anchor him into the world of humanity. All that had been there for him was Gateau. Gateau had spoken enough about his body in the past…had centered his life around it, really…and in the end it was what he threw between Carrot and Hakaishin. How must that have felt…someone so proud…letting themselves be overpowered, taken violently…not even knowing if that would be enough. But then, Marron knew, it had been all he had to give.
Carrot spoke up again, but this time he was more controlled. "I can't forget it, Marron. He told me to forget it, he said we shouldn't regret it. He said he was glad I was back. But—I can't forget his face…I can't forget what it felt like to be pulled back…"
"Shhh. Maybe those are things you can't forget. But you have to move past it, niisan. Gateau did this so that you could go on living…and that's what you have to do now. He wanted you back…won't you come back?"
Carrot's body tensed and he clung tightly to Marron for a moment before he straightened up and moved out of Marron's protective embrace. He located the bag of rice that he'd been using as a pillow for the last couple of nights and adjusted it. Then he lay down again and half-rolled toward Marron so that he was looking up at him.
"Marron…thank you. Look…I want to try and sleep now, okay?"
"…yes."
"Did we…I mean, did I say whatever it was you wanted to hear?"
"Yes, niisan. Get some sleep…you must be tired."
"All right…"
Marron quietly watched his brother for awhile before he lay down again himself.
Reclamation
Marron watched his brother. Carrot was sitting on the ground, idly poking at this and that. He decided that one particular rock, which had nothing to distinguish it from any of the other rocks littering the ground, was somehow interesting… he was currently turning it over in his hands. Then he flung it away without even looking at it; it skittered past Marron's feet and landed, discarded in the grass by the roadside. Now Carrot was getting up, walking towards his brother.
"Hey Marron, how far do you suppose we still have to go?"
"Oh, not this again." A good-natured voice piped up behind them. "This has to be…what…the third time we've stopped to rest? You aren't carrying half the stuff I am." Gateau came up and flicked Carrot's shoulder.
Carrot stuck his tongue out. "Freak."
"Wuss."
"Airhead."
"Pansy."
Carrot was opening his mouth for the next round when Marron pointedly cleared his throat. The two other men stopped.
"Aw. We were just having fun. It's not like there's anything else to do." Gateau smiled at Marron.
"Yeah!" Carrot said plaintively. Marron just looked from one to the other, annoyed. Then his brow cleared a bit. Well, wasn't this a sign that Carrot had taken his advice to heart? Carrot really seemed like his old self at the moment. Maybe it was over.
Marron sighed. "Fine…do as you wish. Just remember that the rest of us have to put up with you both…" He started walking again.
Carrot and Gateau both made "hmph" sounds and followed him, their name game halted for a moment. After a second, Carrot reached over and took the large canteen from Gateau's pack.
"Thirsty?" Gateau asked offhandedly.
"Naw," Carrot replied as he slung it over his chest. "I just thought maybe I should carry something else. I mean, you're right…I don't ever carry anything."
Gateau looked over at him. "Well I didn't really mean that…I don't actually care. It's sort of…my job…anyhow."
Carrot smiled, still looking ahead. Gateau's job. Marron's job. Tira's job. Chocolate's job. He knew what their jobs were, all right. They were there to make sure the he didn't destroy the world. They limited Hakaishin with their very presence. They were all his keepers…they were his cage. If one of them ever died…disaster. But if the monster died…well, then they would be free, wouldn't they? Nothing like this could ever happen again. No more watching Marron throw himself in front of his brother to protect him…no more having to see Tira and Chocolate fight because he couldn't…and Gateau's face…that would go away, too.
He had slowly begun to think in this way ever since Amandine. Now that he finally knew what he was going to do…he felt his old self returning. The weight was off his shoulders…soon the weight would be off their shoulders, too.
"You look thoughtful," Gateau remarked quietly.
"Yes," Carrot replied dreamily. "I was thinking about how nice it is…to just be walking with everyone again…"
They camped that night in a copse of trees near the road. The trees provided cover and shielded them somewhat from the wind that arose that night. It was not the first time they had all camped together like this, but Carrot was determined that it would be the last time.
When everyone's breathing was deep and even, Carrot silently got up. He went and kissed each of them in turn…Tira, Chocolate, Marron…Gateau. Then he walked away from the fire, turning back once to watch them all as they slept. He put one hand against a tree.
"I love you all…so much."
Then he turned and walked out into the darkness past the trees, holding his scabbard in one hand to keep it from swaying and making any noise.
Gateau waited two beats, then opened his eyes and followed.
The moon had come out by this time, casting a cold light over everything. Each leaf and blade of grass stood out in frightening detail. Everything was black or white. Gateau saw Carrot a little ahead of him, kneeling on the grass. He was turning something over in his hands…then moon caught the blade and he saw it was Carrot's sword. Gateau's breath caught in his throat and he sprinted forward without further thought—Carrot moved with terrifying decision, there was no hesitation…
Gateau ripped the sword out of Carrot's hands and threw it as far away from them as he could. Carrot snarled and they struggled, but this time it was only Carrot's force against Gateau's…he was overpowered easily. After Gateau had a good grip on his shoulders, he looked into his face searchingly.
"Carrot! Carrot, what the hell were you thinking?"
Carrot didn't reply, only looked at Gateau, speechless with anger. How could he just come in and stop him like that…he had no right….
Gateau shook him, a little harshly. "Come on, dammit! What the fuck was that?"
Carrot shook his head, eyes fixedly on the ground now. Gateau stopped shaking him and for awhile he just stared at Carrot while Carrot hung there in his grasp, making no effort to support himself. Gateau knew that if he let go, Carrot would collapse onto the ground…but he couldn't be sure what he would try to do after that…so he held on.
Finally Carrot stirred a little and gripped one of Gateau's wrists, looking up at him with dead eyes. "You don't have to hold onto me anymore…don't stop me…okay?"
Carrot's easy dismissal of him…and of himself…made Gateau very angry. "Look, fuck you, Carrot, okay?"
Carrot chuckled and looked down. "Too…late…"
Gateau's eyes snapped open as wide as they would go and he wrenched Carrot up to face him. "WHAT?"
Carrot smiled and looked at him carelessly. So his sword was gone…this was better, anyway. Now he could die and make everything up to Gateau at the same time. It was symmetrical…perfect. "You know, if you want I could do it again. I mean—I didn't know at first why you didn't want to beat me up or yell at me for what I did…but I guess it must be because you really liked that, didn't you…"
Gateau's words came out in a deadly whisper. "Carrot…don't…"
"Yeah," Carrot continued, all patience. "That must be it. You followed me out here…is it because you missed me? Well, you've got me here now…its just like before…I could try to hold you down, make it hurt again…I bet that's what you really want, tough guy…isn't it…?" Surely it would come, now. Carrot let his head fall forward onto his chest. He waited.
Gateau's chin was digging into his chest now; his teeth were gritted and he shook with rage. He was gripping Carrot's shoulders so tightly that the skin had gone white. Carrot, on the other hand, was calm. All he had wanted since he had come back was for someone to condemn him. Instead all he had gotten was understanding. He had wanted punishment and received sympathy. Now, finally, Gateau was going to release him…
…now…
Gateau let go of Carrot's shoulders and sat there for a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching on either side of Carrot, every muscle and vein thrown into sharp relief by the moonlight. This was his friend, but he was also a weapon…terrible…deadly. Gateau looked up, he lunged for Carrot…Carrot closed his eyes, ready.
A moment later, Carrot opened his eyes again, shocked. Gateau had thrown his arms around him.
"No…what are you doing…" Carrot struggled against him.
"It's not going to work. I'm not going to hurt you…or kill you, or whatever it is you want." Gateau spoke quietly; the anger had left his voice.
Carrot cried out in frustration and pounded Gateau with his fists. Gateau only held him more tightly.
"Idiot…how many times do I have to say it…maybe you're waiting for me to say the word…? All right then…you didn't rape me, is that what you think? But you know… You're doing a damned good job of that now…saying those things to me…because I won't hurt you. I can't…all I can do is just lie back and take it…again."
Carrot's body tensed. "No…! That's not what I—I wanted to…make it right…"
Gateau let his face rest in Carrot's hair. "That just shows what an idiot you are…Carrot, I'm no different from the others. I couldn't hurt you, ever…because I love you."
"Don't say that—"
"Why not…it's the truth. We all love you…we'd all do anything for you…whether you like it or not. So…do us a favor and stick around, huh? We need you…okay?"
Carrot couldn't answer him. Neither of them spoke for a long while. The moon wheeled overhead…after the constellations had dropped closer to the horizon, Carrot stirred. He hadn't fallen asleep against Gateau, although he almost felt that way…more like he had the strange feeling that he was waking up. That was silly, though. It was a long way 'til morning.
"Should I say something back…? Should I say I love you—"
"I heard you say it earlier tonight…when you were being a drama queen…"
"Whatever, gorilla."
"Clown."
"Muscle-head."
"Dork."
"Dunce."
"Cream puff."
"Wise-ass."
"Pipsqueak."
Carrot started laughing. He tried to keep it in, but once it started it got hold of him and he couldn't stop. Gateau tried to hold back, too, but soon he was laughing just as hard as Carrot. They just laughed for awhile, then Gateau smiled and stretched.
"So. You gonna get your lazy ass off my lap so we can walk back to the camp and get some sleep?"
"Freak. You were the one who grabbed me."
"Had to. I couldn't very well stand by and watch you ventilate yourself with your sword." Gateau shifted so that Carrot could climb out of his lap, but Carrot didn't move. Instead, he looked steadily at Gateau with an expression that Gateau found impossible to fathom.
"Hey…Earth to Carrot…"
Carrot leaned forward.
It lasted a long time.
When Carrot finally broke away, Gateau kept his eyes closed for three heartbeats before he blinked. He was in complete shock…when he finally managed to speak again, only one syllable came out:
"….huh?"
Carrot smiled slowly. "It's been…what…at least an hour since I did something really stupid, right? …Had to change that…"
"Yeah…that was pretty stupid—" Gateau put one hand behind Carrot's back and laid him back on the grass. He stretched his own body over Carrot's, bending his face down to kiss him again.
Carrot reached up for Gateau's face—
Somewhere dark, an angel with dark wings lifted up a soldier, gave him back his weapons of war, and set him on his way.
Carrot shuddered against Gateau. "Am I hurting you?" Gateau whispered into Carrot's neck.
Carrot pressed himself closer to Gateau, reaching his arms further around his back, lifting his head slightly to place his mouth against Gateau's shoulder.
"Nnnnnh…please…don't stop…it…doesn't matter…"
No.
It doesn't matter.