1 Examination of Conscience Pt. I: Finding the Past, Losing the Future
Disclaimer: no I don't and never will own Cowboy Bebop
By the way, please read my story with the consideration that it is the first fic I've written and I don't particularly think it's good. The only reason I submitted it is because I want to get people to review it. So tell me what you think…anything at all! Only… I don't take to curse words too well if they're directed at me so try not to be TOO hard on me. Thanks!
Faye's POV
The last time I saw him.
Let me think…Oh yah. It was the day he left us. The day he forgot all about Jet and me and decided to leave us out of his life forever. That day. I can't believe I let him see a part of me that I have always kept so secret. All the time I had known him, I always kept my "too cool" composure. I never let him in. but something about that day… something about the way he just waltzed out there, ready to meet death. I just couldn't take it.
The truth was, I had fallen in love. I never seemed the type to fall quickly in and out of love, but it happened. Mostly cuz all the guys had just laid themselves in front of me. He was different; his heart was already taken. I knew that it would never work, but I liked the challenge. If I ultimately set myself up for my own undoing, then why could I not let him go? Why was my heart so desperately calling out to his? At that moment, all I wanted was for him to stay with us. I didn't care if he loved me. I didn't care if he started being nice to me (although I wouldn't have complained either). All I wanted was that he stayed and didn't give Vicious the chance to kill him. I didn't want Spike to let himself be killed.
Now look where we are. There is no more Bebop. We're all just deserters in the end then aren't we? And to think, I had once called it home. Home. Now I don't have one. Why am I always alone?
I found myself being occupied by horrible thoughts that dwelled too much on the painful past. Walks in the rain, mind-numbing nightmares that wake me in the middle of the night. These often bring back thoughts about that tall, mysterious man. It's been nearly a year after he left without (technically) saying goodbye and still I couldn't comprehend the reasons why.
Why couldn't he let go of his past when I had given up on mine?
Here I am, again, thinking of the old times. Times I considered the happiest even though they were filled with bitter sarcasm and cruel criticism. You know, I really wish we could go back to those times. Too bad that damn cowboy had to go ride off into the sunset. He had to get his final bounty.
I should've shot him.
Yah. That would've stopped him. I think. He couldn't just go off to kill Vicious when he had 5 bullets in him. But then again, he probably would've bled to death. At least I would've seen him in his last moments. I would've been able to hold him in my arms before he went off to sleep eternally. If I had the chance, I would've told him how deeply I felt for him. I would've told him that I loved him ever since I first cheated him at blackjack. I loved him ever since he first handcuffed me in the bathroom. I was so crazy in love with him that just being in the same room with him made me so uncomfortable that I had to break the tension by being a pain in the ass to him. I still have those same feelings. Only now he's not here for me to admire (annoy) everyday.
What I would give to just see him again.
And if I was there, right before his death, I would've stepped in front of him at that exact moment and Vicious would've taken my life instead of his.
And what's up with Julia?
I never really understood why he loved Julia so much. Sure she was beautiful, and mysterious, and dangerous. But why? Even after three years of not knowing where she was. Even after she stood him up and just fled from the syndicate. If you ask me, I think it's all her fault. Judging by the rivalry between Vicious and Spike, I'm betting it was all cuz of her. Spike. Spike. Spike…
Why do I say his name as if it will make him come back…?
His name brings me pleasure and pain at the same time. It revokes sweet memories of Bebop and causes an aching in my heart. A longing for him. Why couldn't he love me? Wasn't I enough of a woman for him? Now it seems these questions will never be answered. He couldn't very well answer them from his grave could he?
Could he…?
My mind often fantasizes the what-ifs that could have been. Like what if he weren't really dead or what if he mysteriously came back. No. I know those things are too preposterous to even be possible. Judging by the accounts given on the news, the scene at the Red Dragons headquarters must've been a real bad turnout.
There was no way that miracle boy could've made it out alive…
It's just so damn depressing. I guess Spike just loved to go tragic didn't he?
Disclaimer: no I don't and never will own Cowboy Bebop
By the way, please read my story with the consideration that it is the first fic I've written and I don't particularly think it's good. The only reason I submitted it is because I want to get people to review it. So tell me what you think…anything at all! Only… I don't take to curse words too well if they're directed at me so try not to be TOO hard on me. Thanks!
Faye's POV
The last time I saw him.
Let me think…Oh yah. It was the day he left us. The day he forgot all about Jet and me and decided to leave us out of his life forever. That day. I can't believe I let him see a part of me that I have always kept so secret. All the time I had known him, I always kept my "too cool" composure. I never let him in. but something about that day… something about the way he just waltzed out there, ready to meet death. I just couldn't take it.
The truth was, I had fallen in love. I never seemed the type to fall quickly in and out of love, but it happened. Mostly cuz all the guys had just laid themselves in front of me. He was different; his heart was already taken. I knew that it would never work, but I liked the challenge. If I ultimately set myself up for my own undoing, then why could I not let him go? Why was my heart so desperately calling out to his? At that moment, all I wanted was for him to stay with us. I didn't care if he loved me. I didn't care if he started being nice to me (although I wouldn't have complained either). All I wanted was that he stayed and didn't give Vicious the chance to kill him. I didn't want Spike to let himself be killed.
Now look where we are. There is no more Bebop. We're all just deserters in the end then aren't we? And to think, I had once called it home. Home. Now I don't have one. Why am I always alone?
I found myself being occupied by horrible thoughts that dwelled too much on the painful past. Walks in the rain, mind-numbing nightmares that wake me in the middle of the night. These often bring back thoughts about that tall, mysterious man. It's been nearly a year after he left without (technically) saying goodbye and still I couldn't comprehend the reasons why.
Why couldn't he let go of his past when I had given up on mine?
Here I am, again, thinking of the old times. Times I considered the happiest even though they were filled with bitter sarcasm and cruel criticism. You know, I really wish we could go back to those times. Too bad that damn cowboy had to go ride off into the sunset. He had to get his final bounty.
I should've shot him.
Yah. That would've stopped him. I think. He couldn't just go off to kill Vicious when he had 5 bullets in him. But then again, he probably would've bled to death. At least I would've seen him in his last moments. I would've been able to hold him in my arms before he went off to sleep eternally. If I had the chance, I would've told him how deeply I felt for him. I would've told him that I loved him ever since I first cheated him at blackjack. I loved him ever since he first handcuffed me in the bathroom. I was so crazy in love with him that just being in the same room with him made me so uncomfortable that I had to break the tension by being a pain in the ass to him. I still have those same feelings. Only now he's not here for me to admire (annoy) everyday.
What I would give to just see him again.
And if I was there, right before his death, I would've stepped in front of him at that exact moment and Vicious would've taken my life instead of his.
And what's up with Julia?
I never really understood why he loved Julia so much. Sure she was beautiful, and mysterious, and dangerous. But why? Even after three years of not knowing where she was. Even after she stood him up and just fled from the syndicate. If you ask me, I think it's all her fault. Judging by the rivalry between Vicious and Spike, I'm betting it was all cuz of her. Spike. Spike. Spike…
Why do I say his name as if it will make him come back…?
His name brings me pleasure and pain at the same time. It revokes sweet memories of Bebop and causes an aching in my heart. A longing for him. Why couldn't he love me? Wasn't I enough of a woman for him? Now it seems these questions will never be answered. He couldn't very well answer them from his grave could he?
Could he…?
My mind often fantasizes the what-ifs that could have been. Like what if he weren't really dead or what if he mysteriously came back. No. I know those things are too preposterous to even be possible. Judging by the accounts given on the news, the scene at the Red Dragons headquarters must've been a real bad turnout.
There was no way that miracle boy could've made it out alive…
It's just so damn depressing. I guess Spike just loved to go tragic didn't he?