A/N. This is the sequel to "Starring Severus Snape" (it is not necessary to have read that story before reading this one but it might help a little bit) and will come to replace the stories called "Severus Snape Simulates" and "Severus Snape in 'Sexy Singles" which were up on the site but have been removed so I could incorporate parts of them in this where needed and discard the rest. So it is possibly you might recognize parts of the early chapters for this story and for "Starring Severus Snape 3: Severus Snape Simulates" and, possibly, "Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages."
For anyone who might be curious the reason I am doing this is purely because whilst I was happy with the concepts of the two sequels to the first story I was never happy with the writing or the flow of the stories. But I am passionate about having this sequel written and uploaded on as I go.
The final "business item" I need to mention is that I noticed that there were a couple of mistakes in "Starring Severus Snape" in that time jumped around a bit so that will definitely be fixed when I get the chance. (I.E. the "OWLs" were mentioned as having been taken in one of the early chapters but they wouldn't be taken until the end of this story instead.) So, for the time being here is a rough timetable of when the books are/will be set:
"Starring Severus Snape" was set during the first half of "The Order of the Phoenix." (I.E. Before Christmas.)
"Starring Severus Snape 2: Reality Bites Snape" is set during the second half of "The Order of the Phoenix." (I.E. After Christmas.)
"Starring Severus Snape 3: Severus Snape Simulates" will be set during the first half of "The Half Blood Prince."
"Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages" will be set during the very end of "The Half Blood Prince."
One last thing (and congrats to those who have read the authors note up until this stage but I wanted to make sure the things I think important for readers of this story are put down here even if it is in a longer authors note than usual) is that this chapter as the first chapter of the story is a fair bit longer than other chapters will, likely, be.
I hope you read and enjoy this story (and SS1- not that I'm tooting my own horn here, lol) and if you have any ideas, comments, constructive criticism as to how I can make the story sound better, or you see any mistakes please, please let me know. I write my stories- both fanfiction and fictionpress original works because I enjoy writing them but I'd also love, love for other people to read and then review the story as often as possible.
STARRING SEVERUS SNAPE 2:
Reality Bites Severus Snape.
When we last saw Severus Snape our hero had returned to the normalcy of his daily existence as the potions master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, having completed all his commitments for "William the Wizard"; the Muggle movie he'd accidentally stumbled into and come to star in, and had no intention of ever acting again. The school year was finishing and Snape was worrying about what would happen when the students returned to school having seen his movie. All Snape wants now is his old life back. But he has no idea what kind of impact "William the Wizard" made on the country…
Chapter One: Snape still loves life.
"That is all for today, you may go- but please remember your assignments are due in next week and I will be deducting marks for anything handed in late. And anything more than two days late will be an automatic fail." Snape said as he dismissed the third grade class. With a swish of his robes he turned his back on the students filing out of the room and sat down at his own desk. As an afterthought he called out "Oh and Rona Spelltrix please don't try and tell me a snumplewhatsit ate your homework again because there are no such things."
"It's called a Snuff-" The tiny girl began but her friend nudged her so sharply in the ribs she cried out in pain. Despite constant admonitions by the Gryffindor girl's prefect to change her hair back to its usual mousy colour Rona's hair remained a stubborn cross between pink and lavender. This was possibly because she did not remember how she had changed it in the first place- or because her mum was part fairy. There were those, Snape included, who thought it was going too far when half-bloods were let into the school let alone those whose genealogy belonged partly in an entirely other species.
"She won't Professor Snape. Her homework will be in on time with no mistakes whatsoever." Ian Bartlett's eyes were firm behind the large glasses that took up over half of his face. As friends the two were the perfect foils for one another but there was something about them, or their relationship, that Snape just did not like. Could it be it reminded him of a friendship a lifetime ago between a stunningly beautiful and intelligent girl and an ordinary and ostracized boy?
'There was optimism for you!' Snape thought but he said nothing. For a moment he simply sat where he was, drinking in the fact that after too many long years he was now the "Defence Against the Dark Arts" (DADA) teacher, before he turned over the first in the sheaf of parchments on the right side of his desk. As part of his sixth grade class Snape had decided to let his students write an essay on a topic of their choosing. At that stage he was still "Potions" master and, honestly despite copious campaigning, had not expected that he would finally be given his dream job of "DADA". He was still grading these assignments since he had handed them out and given the students free reign providing they met a couple of conditions- one that it was to do with either historical or contemporary potions, two that it demonstrated the student's ability to be able to look beyond Hogwarts for research information and three that it showed the student had the knowledge of potions to be able to cope with an OWL course. Those with sixty percent or less would be effectively put on notice. Snape knew that was a harsh position to take when other teachers, such as Minerva McGonagall, were mollycoddling their classes now that the Ministry of Magic had finally admitted Lord Voldemort was back, but he cared little for the opinions of other staff at the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry- when had he before and why would he now?
"Dark Arts and Dark Potions: Are they the same thing? By Draco Malfoy" read the first paper. Snape did not need to peruse the paper to know Draco was talking about half bloods using potions to try and disguise themselves as purebloods to try and trick Voldemort and his Death eaters. No doubt Lucius had helped him plenty with this essay- perhaps even Voldemort himself. He thought it probable that Draco was trying to get in Snape's new position as well as his old one. Clearly the Malfoys had been forewarned about the changes in staffing. Snape was pretty sure he had said nothing- after all he had only found out very recently himself!- so someone else in the know had blabbed and he was curious as to who that might be. Especially since the Malfoys had openly declared their allegiance to Lord Voldemort.
The second essay was in a practically illegible scribble and was called "Why the Regulation of potions ingredients is more important than ever, by Neville Longbottom." Snape gave a half shrug- well after what had happened to Frank and Alice Longbottom, Neville's parents, who were tortured to madness by Death Eaters, was it any wonder the child was anxious to ensure that if Voldemort was intent on beginning a second, bloodier war, none of his schoolmates parents were tortured like Neville's were. Snape suspected, judging by Malfoy and Longbottom's essays that the official return of Voldemort would feature heavily in most homework done over the school break- in fact that rather suited him because it meant people's minds were on the more dangerous topic of another fight between good and evil instead of a little movie called "William the Wizard." Snape shook his head to clear that awful name from his mind and then flicked through the papers a little faster; now really only wanting to see the titles of three in particular.
Ronald Weasley's was first- "Making Muggles Magic: Is there any merit to the idea of keeping wizarding schools exclusive in the 20th century?" Snape stared at the title, his hand shaking slightly. There was no way Ron had come up with that title or idea, he had neither the brains nor the balls and he was sure when he came to read it that the ideas expressed within would be more of the caliber of the fifth grade's genius Hermione Granger. The girl herself's essay was called "Muggle V Wizard: Are potions more dangerous than Muggle pharmacology or recreational drugs?" And last, but unfortunately not least, Harry Potter wrote on the topic of "Werewolf: worrisome or welcoming, wicked or wondrous?" and Snape couldn't help but snort. Potter was obviously referring to Remus Lupin who had taught Defence Against the Dark Arts in Potter's third year and who had, also, happened to be a werewolf. Snape had been annoyed when it had taken someone so long to work out what Lupin's dark secret had been and even then it had been no other than Granger. Lupin also happened to have been best friends with three other young men when they all went to "Hogwarts" together- Sirius Black (Potter's god-father who had spent years in Azkaban- the wizarding prison- for a crime he didn't even commit and who had, at the end of the last school year died fighting Voldemort and his supporters), James Potter (the father young Harry had never known since the elder Potter was so heroic and noble in defending his son from the Dark Lord along with his wife Lily) and Peter Pettigrew (who happened to have gone over to the dark side very early in the first war and who had been loyal to Voldemort ever since- even before his return). The foursome had made Snape's school life a terror and it was one of the reasons he disliked Harry Potter- and by extension his friends- so much.
He put all the parchments back to the right side of his desk- he would worry about marking them later. After all with the school year only three days in his OWL class wasn't going anywhere.
That reminded him of the fact that despite the daily dread he had felt all of the Christmas school holidays towards the students returning for the new year- sure they would have all gone to see the crappy "William the Wizard" which was coming out exactly in the middle of the students holidays- just for new ways to make fun of him- the results were surprisingly pleasingly. Some students were too busy being worried about Cornelius Fudge, the former Minister of Magic, and his declarations that "you-know-who has, regrettably, returned" and "that vigilance will be the best weapon we, as a community, have against you-know-who and his supporters." (This despite Albus Dumbledore and others telling Fudge for more than the past year that this was happening- probably a reason there was a new Minister. There would have been even if events had not happened as they did in Snape's opinion.) Others had seen the movie and he'd heard them raving about it and lavishing praise upon him and his co-stars- although not to his face of course. At first he'd thought the non-incidence of mockery was all part of a plot to pull his leg, make fun of him in some way but he'd gradually realized that this was for real. For the first time this school actually held good memories for Professor Severus Snape. When he'd come back to teach there he hadn't looked for popularity, and he certainly had not found it, but all of a sudden he was popular. He was no longer "that horrible potions teacher" (probably because he took points away from someone's house) or "that hook nosed pale vampire skinned freak" (Ron Weasley), instead he was "that lucky teacher who worked with that hot Emma" (clearly someone blind, delirious, insane or all of the above) and "that famous teacher".
Towards him they still exhibited the same coolness and dislike and he was glad of that because he didn't want to have to talk about the movie, nor did he want his relationships to change with the students- he was their teacher not their best friend and while some other professors at the school were definitely erring on the wrong side of this balance he felt he had it exactly right. Things, finally, were as they should be in the life of Severus Snape.
Sighing he put his head down and studied the magazine in front of him. He'd made a clandestine trip to Hogsmeade to get a copy of "Cosmowitch" which was reviewing his movie in this issue. He'd read one or two of the first muggle reviews from early previews of the movie but really it was the wizarding ones he was most concerned about, how they viewed him, and the movie, were far more important. He checked the contents page and then flicked through to what he was searching for. He'd expected something bigger, in fact he'd been expecting a full size page, but instead it was just one of a couple of reviews- two muggle movies, including his own, a review of a wizarding bands latest "gig" and a play "Beaubaxtons" had put on. The review was headed "From Hogwarts to Hollywood: Did Severus Snape pull off playing a wizard in a muggle movie?" He began to read:
"In a movie made by "Hampton Productions"- with Mr. Hampton himself
having collected countless "Oscars", "Emmies", "BAFTAS" and many
more awards besides- the director and production team could have
had absolutely any leading man they wanted; Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt,
George Clooney, Tom Hanks to actors on our side of the "big pond"
like Clive Owen, Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman- after all who among
them would have turned down a lead role in a Hampton movie, a movie
guaranteed to be a blockbuster and already being hailed as a major
"Oscars" chance? Instead Mr. Hampton and his advisors picked none
other than Severus Snape, the potions teacher at "Hogwarts" for many
years, a man who had never acted in his entire life. To say I was
skeptical about this casting decision would be like saying that a goblin
has a good monetary plan or that fairies are distracted by shiny
things.
Movies about the magical world of witches and wizards are a Sickle a
Dozen so this witch went to see "William the Wizard" expecting to see
a movie crammed full of typical muggle misconceptions about the
wizarding world; very few Hollywood movies or television series- think
"Teen Witch", "Escape to Witch Mountain", "The Wizard of Mars",
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Warlock" amongst many, many
others- truly succeed in capturing the reality. So when I didn't see people
being turned into frogs, or having liberal sprinklings of "love potion"
poured over their morning cereal, nor wearing lurid Gilderoy Lockhart
style robes in the first few minutes I suddenly realised that this movie
just might be the exception to the rule. In fact the movie managed to
make this hardened movie skeptic actually care about the main
characters and, by the end of the movie, I was completely rooting for
the good guys. In a "knut-shell" the movie manages to both poke fun at
the muggle world- the prime example being the inept British Prime
Minister- as well as the wizarding world, all in all, making for a
thoroughly entertaining movie that every witch and wizard should see."
Snape glanced at the key to the side of the page and saw that the movie had been rated "4 martinis out of 5 and make mine a dirty martini if Severus Snape is involved please!" He didn't realize he was holding his breath until he let it out in a whoosh. A great review- the wizarding magazine had loved the movie. He'd heard, mainly through Adam, that the muggle papers would be printing similar reviews from early previews but had not managed to get around to reading more than one or two of them as the movie had only come out a less than two full weeks ago and he had been busy preparing for the new school year. Shockingly, and annoyingly, Adam was completely right: word was that the muggle papers had loved the movie; although they of course missed some of the jokes that the wizarding world would get. Snape decided right then and there that he would order the specific copies of "The Daily Prophet" and "Merlin's Monthly" reviewing the movie so he grabbed his quill, spilling some ink on his desk in his haste which he cleaned by running his wand over the laminated wood, and two pieces of parchment and drafted a request for the various documents. The letters then went into his robes to take to give to an owl later.
"They loved me!" Snape said out loud, the strange words sounding, and tasting, unusual in his mouth. Nobody had ever loved him! He doubted this would stop the students from spending a large portion of their time from making fun of him but it might make things just that bit more bearable at the school for a little while at least.
"W-w-who do Professor Snape sir?"
Snape jumped as though he'd been stung by a poisonous Pompletooth Snake; he'd thought the classroom was empty, that all the students had left the moment he'd dismissed them, as students were wont to do at the end of one of his classes. He looked down his nose at the Hufflepuff student who was standing warily in front of his desk, shifting from one foot to the other.
"How long have you been there?" Snape demanded.
"The whole c-class sir." Butterworth answered looking confused.
"No! Standing there?" Snape snapped, irritated.
"Oh since the c-c-class finished sir." Butterworth replied.
"Why the hell didn't you make yourself known instead of standing there like a silent snodgraff?" Snape asked. He hadn't noticed anyone else in the room when the two girls left- could it have been he was so engrossed in his own memories, memories haunting him still, that he did not even notice the boy? Although, in Snape's defence, Butterworth was forgetful with his ruddy country complexion, blonde/brown hair and hazel eyes.
"I did, I asked y-you a couple of t-t-times." Butterworth protested.
"Asked me what B-B-Butterworth?" Snape asked nastily.
"If you c-c-could help me with my m-muggle studies assignment?"
Snape was silent for a moment as he tried to work out how many students had approached him in connection with various assignments revolving around "William the Wizard" in the few days since the Hogwarts students had returned from their breaks. Naturally all had been sent away with a flea in their ear. He might be secretly proud of the fact that so many students had loved his movie but it did not mean he was going to become the new, improved Professor Snape. If he were gaining gold coins for every time a student had asked him for help on an assignment in which the movie "just happened to come up" he'd be rich. And if he also had a gold coin for each time he refused to help and instead come up with a nasty retort he would be even richer!
It had occurred to Snape that perhaps the other Professors were doing this on purpose, making sure they milked his appearance in the muggle movie for all it was worth. Perhaps they were also a bit miffed that the students had come back praising Snape instead of picking on him as expected? Whatever the case Snape had decided the best strategy was to ignore all requests for information or help in connection with his acting in the hope that it would fade away and never be mentioned again. He had been fully prepared to make a potion to ensure every teacher, student and magical creature of the school completely forgot what Snape had been up to the year before but it was a lot of work and he decided to see what happened first. As luck would have it things were so far working out all right. Touch wood.
"Tell me B-B-Butterworth what class do I teach? And for heavens sake could you stand still? You're making me dizzy." Snape queried.
"Defence Against the Dark Arts sir." Butterworth squeaked, a little nervously, almost like he was being asked a question in an important exam.
"Correct, take twenty points for Hufflepuff." Snape said sarcastically. He sighed and his head went back down to the second graders summer homework- which he was currently up to grading going in order from the lower classes to the higher- and he began to make ticks, crosses and notes on the first page. Silence reigned in the dungeon classroom for a full three or four minutes.
"B-B-But sir one of the older boys-" Butterworth suddenly burst out.
"For Merlin's sake! Why are you still here B-B-Butterworth?" He asked.
"You didn't say w-whether you were going to h-h-help me with my essay. The topic is w-wizards playing wizards in m-muggle films good or bad and d-d-discuss." Butterworth replied, his voice barely even audible.
"No B-B-Butterworth, I am not going to help. Close the door behind you." Snape replied coldly. The kid was as thick as a hippogriff.
Butterworth couldn't leave the dungeon fast enough.
Snape sighed and glanced at the clock and was relieved to see lunch was in just under half an hour as he was rather hungry. The porridge served up for breakfast that morning had been as thin as water and as unappetizing and Snape had realized that the work ethic of the house elves had slacked off considerably in the last few weeks. House-elves spent their whole lives serving one family or institution unless they were specifically freed (something that any house-elf would view as embarrassing and shameful were it to happen) and took pride in doing so. Hogwarts house-elves were usually only too happy to keep the castle spotlessly clean and serve wonderful meals; legend had it that Helga Hufflepuff had introduced them to the school where she offered them refuge and they had been living there, keeping generations of staff and students comfortable, ever since. All house-elves were loyal to their owners and if they thought their masters weren't happy then they, in turn, wouldn't be happy either. Yet his complaints had gone completely ignored? He, Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, holder of a MOP (Master in Potions) and hopefully soon to be member of the exclusive International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions, deserved better! If things didn't pick up soon Snape wouldn't hesitate to take the entire house elf population of Hogwarts to the Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures for punishment. Or worse- they could end up at the Office of House-Elf Relocation at the Ministry of Magic and end up somewhere not as comfortable and with masters not as easygoing as they currently had.
His lips curved into some semblance of a grin: what would Hermione Granger and her fellow S.P.E.W members think of that? The news of her starting her little crusade a year and a half before had naturally filtered through to the Hogwarts teachers, including Snape. Some softies, such as Professor Flitwick the Charms teacher, had thought there was some merit in her cause but Snape didn't see what the fuss was about. As lesser beings house elves didn't even have rights, and as it were they should think themselves lucky to have a good job, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies- even if the food they were eating was as crap as the staff and students were forced to eat. Snape knew there were many house elves elsewhere who were not treated anywhere near as good as the Hogwarts house elves. He couldn't help but think of Kreacher, the Black's house elf from number twelve Grimmauld Place- surely even Granger would agree that the surly and rude house elf needed a good kick up the backside? Although she might be biased seeing as how Kreacher despised muggle born witches and wizards, of which she was one. If Salazar Slytherin had had his way back when the magical school had been founded muggle born's wouldn't even be at Hogwarts- something Snape thought wasn't entirely without merit. What irked him most about Granger though was the fact that she was by far and away the smartest witch- or wizard- he had ever seen pass through the school. She had easily passed her OWL and no doubt would have the highest NEWT scores seen in a long time.
Thinking about Granger inevitably led Snape to think about her two companions: Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Snape's lips tightened with dislike and he spat out, "The famous Harry Potter, boy hero and savior of all wizardkind." From the moment Potter had stepped foot in the school Snape hadn't liked him; partly because of the fact that his father was James Potter one of Snape's tormenters from his own years as a student at Hogwarts and partly because he found Potter's constant hero complex nauseating. When Gilderoy Lockhart had been teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts in Potter's second year- another sore point as Snape knew he was by far and away the best person for the job yet the headmaster Dumbledore consistently appointed other witches and wizards to the position and not one had lasted more than a year yet- Snape had gotten a glimpse into what he believed Potter's future might be: a superficial, arrogant man who would enjoy the adulation brought about simply by being the Boy who lived. And let's face it, Snape thought in disgust, Potter had been a mere baby when Voldermort's curse upon him had backfired and had hardly been because the baby had any real powers or had done anything special. Snape knew that his dislike for the teenager was returned in full. His face reddened as he remembered the Snape Tape's from last year. Somehow Granger had managed to get hold of a tape from "Good Morning London" on which Snape had appeared, reluctantly, promoting the movie. As if this was not bad enough she, Potter and Weasley had then had daily screenings of the interview so that in a few short days most of the students in the school had seen it. When he'd found out that the trio were responsible for it he'd demanded revenge but the headmaster had not seen the gravity of the situation. Which, Snape thought bitterly now, was not surprising as Dumbledore was probably the number one ticket holder of the Harry Potter fan club. Nonetheless Snape knew for sure that Potter seemed to spend a good portion of his time trying to embarrass and undermine him- time which might be better served concentrating on his study.
And then there was Weasley; a disaster in the making whenever the red-head even picked up his wand and pointed it at something. Besides which Snape had nothing but contempt for the Weasley family- Arthur, the "man" of the house was absolutely enamored with muggles and anything muggle made and didn't even try to hide it. It made Snape's position working in the Order a hard task to swallow. Perhaps the only consolation was that whilst Granger had her brains and Potter had his famous title as the defeater of Voldemort- at least for twelve odd years anyway as Voldermort had returned to life a year and a half ago now- Weasley had nothing. He'd been lucky to pass any OWLS let alone passing any NEWTS in the future and his post-Hogwarts occupation was probably going to involve working in the Leaky Cauldron with the moronic Tom, or perhaps selling schoolbooks to future Hogwarts students in Diagon Alley. Poetic justice perhaps Snape mused.
**
Absorbed in his own thoughts- and occasionally grabbing the quill and scroll which sat beside the magazine as a hairy question popped into his head and could be used for DADA exams or pop quizzes for various grades- Snape didn't realize it was lunchtime until a good five minutes after it would have begun. He was just getting ready to go down to the Great Hall when an owl knocked on the tiny window he had in his office. He went over to open it and receive the letter from its beak, and then placed a couple of coins into the bag tied onto its right leg which it held up expectantly. He waited until he was back at his desk to open it and quickly read it before going down to the hall for something to eat. Between two folded pieces of parchment two smaller folded pages fell out. He put the smaller one to the side and read the parchments first:
Dear Professor Snape,
It is with great pleasure that I write to invite you to attend our
134th annual 'Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner' as an
Honoured Guest. Your contribution to Wizard-Muggle relations
via the blockbuster success of "William the Wizard" affords you
an invitation.
This year the United Kingdom has the privilege of holding the
event and we are determined to make sure the event is an
extreme success. It will be held in Hogsmeade on February 7
and guests are asked to arrive by 6 p.m. due to extra security
measures that are being put in place by ourselves and the
Ministry of Magic.
As you know the 'Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner' is an
extremely auspicious event and each year only a select
number of Honoured Guests are invited as well as permanent
members of the 'Wizards in the Muggle World Association' who
are made up of the best and brightest witches and wizards who
have chosen to make their way in the muggle world- actors
and actresses, sports stars, models, singers, academics, authors,
politicians and a number of Noble Prize winners.
Not only will you be a guest at the dinner but the committee of
the Association has unanimously voted for you to give the
keynote address. I don't need to tell you that this is one of the
highest distinctions given to a witch or wizard- that out of the
ten Honoured Guests you have been chosen to make this
speech, and by doing so you will be among such exalted
company as Matthew Perry, David Beckham and Sir Elton John
in recent years. Further this tribute makes you eligible to join
the Association and be an automatic invite to all future "Wizards
in the Muggle World Association."
Enclosed is the official invitation which needs to be RSVP'd by
the 23rd of January. Also it would be appreciated if you could
provide us with a synopsis of your speech by return owl or as
soon as possible. This will be helpful in printing the official
booklet all guests receive upon arrival at the dinner.
This year's dinner is being proudly sponsored by "Witchspeak
Europe" (The magazine for every discerning witch's entertainment).
Yours sincerely,
Helga Frankenwhomp.
Co-ordinator of the Annual Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner
'Wizards in the Muggle World Association.'
United Kingdom chapter.
Snape re-read the letter again to make sure he was reading it right; some stupid woman really believed that not only would he attend a dinner honouring him for his misfortune in stumbling onto the set, and into the cast of, "William the Wizard" but that he would get up and make some kind of speech. He slowly shook his head, unable to even comprehend the insanity problems inside Helga Frankenwhomp's mind. The letter was crumpled up and thrown into the fire grate- which was not yet lit- and, after only a quick look, the invitation complete with RSVP followed behind it. If he were to give a speech at one of these things it would no doubt center on the fact that wizards should live in the wizarding world and muggles in the muggle world, mixing the two species was nothing more than a recipe for disaster- they didn't even speak the same language half the time!
But the other two pages were saved from the fire. Staring back at him from the pages of the glossy magazine was a full page photo of him, taken from somewhere in the movie, where he was looking at the camera with a small smile on his face. Underneath it read "Stunning Severus Snape in 'William the wizard'" in large pink print. Then smaller it added "The man behind the wizard." He started to read:
'Coming to the acting scene a little bit later in life is not usually easy but
somehow Severus Snape has managed to make the jump from a school
potions teacher to lead character in a blockbuster movie. Severus, 48,
has been close lipped about the movie and about his private life but I was
able to pick the brains of his former fiancée, one Rita Skeeter: "That's Sev
for you," Ms. Skeeter, a striking woman in her forties tells this writer over
coffee. "He's never, ever wanted to blow his own trumpet. His academic
career was simply stellar and he can talk potions with anyone but ask him
about his opinions on anything muggle, ask him about his feelings and
emotions, and he clams up faster than a Jindabyne Oyster!"
But did Severus express any secret desire to act I ask?
"No. I've heard a muggle saying which goes something like 'never work
with animals or children but Sev would have amended it to never work
with muggles full stop." Ms. Skeeter answers with a tinkly little laugh.
So Severus Snape, big time blockbuster actor, didn't even like muggles?
Ms. Skeeter looks embarrassed, like she is giving away some big secret.
"Hated them. Wanted to curse them every five seconds. Sev- although
this is something he will hate me for revealing- is only a half blood so
I think perhaps he envies pure bloods and dislikes muggles at the same
which is a bit of a contradiction. His father was a muggle so I think
that it is possibly why Sev has such an intense dislike of muggles…"
Here she clams up completely and the only information she reveals is
that she is soon to be publishing a book about her life with Severus
Snape, muggle movie star, and contractual obligations prevent her from
revealing too much- but she promises that "Witchspeak" will be the first
magazine she speaks to after her book is launched.
Due to Severus being so close lipped about the movie and his private
life- in fact some have claimed he has been decidedly "un-actorly" about
it, refusing to blow his own trumpet like most of the acting fraternity- the
films' production team were forced to make a decision and have issued
a large press-packet with all the information mags such as ours needs
about this unlikely sex symbol- and no doubt when those who worked in
and on the movie come out from under the shade of their massive
confidentiality contract they will be more than happy to give us many
more tidbits about our newest favourite actor. The press-packet is filled
with fascinating facts such as his favourite food is Italian, he's always
wanted to own a Porsche, he has ambitions to move into the directing
side of making movies, he never misses an episode of "Coronation
Street" (and in fact feverently hopes to one day make a cameo on
"Corrie"), he's always wanted to own a Porsche, he plays the guitar
brilliantly and he always wears a sexy, but understated,
Calvin Klein cologne.
For those interested- and I'm betting there are plenty more now
who are interested- Rita Skeeter's book "Sleeping with Severus
Snape" is due out in bookstores in a month's time."
Snape stopped reading. He couldn't believe what he'd just read: they had everything about him wrong- especially his age!- and that was only the first bloody paragraph! And what on earth was Rita Skeeter doing claiming that she had been his bloody fiancée and writing a book about their "life together." He felt sick just thinking about living with a woman who looked like her with her glasses, terrible clothing sense and horrid hair, let alone the world, the wizarding world rather as no muggle would read the article, thinking that he, Snape, had been in a serious enough relationship with her as to contemplate marriage! He didn't think he could stomach reading any more tripe about himself so he did a quick skim through the article looking for the review on the movie but it wasn't until the very end that he saw a very small heading at the end of the article which said "Our readers and some staff writers review William the Wizard on the next page."
He turned the page so fast that he ripped it in his eagerness to see the reviews:
"OMG Sevvy is soooo hot! This is like the only time I've ever wanted to
be British!"
Marianne, Paris, 13.
"It was my job, on behalf of the mag, to go and see the movie "WTW"
starring Severus Snape of "Hogwarts" fame. And it was pretty clear to
see that the man himself had more than just a little influence on the film:
not only did the reality of the wizarding world shine through, it was
also clear to see that Severus has an excellent sense of humour as
the movie simply snap, crackled and popped with in-jokes only those
in the wizarding world would have got. It didn't hurt that Severus was
hot, hot, HOT either."
Jenny, Staff reviewer, "Witchspeak."
"I have already seen this movie eight times and I'm defo gonna' see
It many more yet. Sevvy is a babe!"
Andrea, 14, Bristol.
"My biggest regret? That I wasn't old enough to take part in the
Triwizard Tournament two years ago!"
Le-Ann, 13, Belgium.
"Whenever muggles are set to portray wizards on the big screen I can't
help but cringe. I actually had no intention of seeing "WTW" except
having been educated at "Hogwarts" before moving to Ireland I instantly
recognized the name "Severus Snape" on the billboards all over
Dublin and prayed to Merlin this movie was going to be different. Surely,
Surely, a wizard would not let the usual Hollywood perceptions of what
a wizard would do or how a witch would look. Luckily I was rewarded:
"WTW" was excellent; Severus was brilliant and played William to
absolute perfection- a man tormented by his knowledge and torn
between his desire to protect his family and the burning for revenge and
need to do the right thing and stop the evil that is threatening to engulf
the world he loves so. Loved the movie. Loved all the actors. I hope there
is going to be a sequel!"
Kathy, staff writer, "Witchspeak."
"When my mum threatened not to let me see the movie in case it was
too violent and made us witches and wizards look like idiots I was sooo
upset. I didn't talk to her or Daddy for like a week until they finally gave
in and let me go and see it and I am like sooo glad they did cos the
movie was brilliant and Sev was gorgeous! He could totally teach me
Potions any day- and I would actually go to class if he were my teacher!"
Daniella, 13, Greece.
"I thought this movie was great- the plot was interesting, the
characters were well-developed and real, the actors and actresses
were incredibly gifted, and it has all the makings of one of the best
movies of the year. If it doesn't win at least a couple of major awards
I will be so shocked."
Lexie, 15 ½, Sweden.
"Best. Movie. Ever."
Kylie, 14, Edinburgh.
Snape just stared at the article: which was worse? The article with Rita Skeeter's lies or the reviews where children were calling him Sevvy and Sev and saying he was hot? He didn't know. The "Witchspeak" article joined the other pages in the fire and he lit the fire with a flash from his wand.
He stood up and stretched. If he hurried he could get to the owlery and get the letters off and still get to the Great Hall in time for some food. As he left his study he couldn't help but curb his disappointment; when the owl had knocked on the window he'd been sure, so sure, that it was the letter telling him that his potions essay had been accepted and he would become part of the International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions. Which reminded him- shouldn't he now join the national, or the international even, DADA association or perhaps even think about getting his Masters in Dark Art Defence like he did in potions?