Please Don't Meet The Robinsons
Dearest Gloria,
Such strange news I have for you today! You won't believe it – I can hardly credit it myself, but it seems our neighbor Lady Sybil has found herself a man! It's true! She is actually looking at something living that doesn't have wings or scales! (Other than that horrid butler of hers and, Gloria, the less said about him the better!) Mind you, I will not say she has acquired a gentleman caller, for he is no gentleman. It is my understanding – and Gerald's – that he is one of those grubby policemen employed by the City Watch! A Captain, I am told, but still . . . . Oh, how the mighty Ramkins have fallen! He is after her money, no doubt. Certainly he can't be accused of coveting a waif-like figure or the first blush of her youth.
In other news, Lord Vetinari has got the Palace nearly repaired and life in Ankh-Morpork is very nearly normal again. I am sure you and all the other good folk living in Pseudopolis have heard of the tumults we've had here of late. Nothing to put a patch on my father's old stories of course, but it does make one question what this city is coming to sometimes, especially now that there are so many dwarves and other strange creatures being allowed in. One wonders why the wizards at the University aren't doing more to keep them out.
Anyway, do give my best to Thomas and the children and tell me how your bougainvillea is getting on. I wish you could see our gardens this year – they are magnificent!
I shall be sure to write again as soon as I can find another courier.
Your loving,
Prudence
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My dear Gloria,
Well, I must hope that Gerald brings you this letter, unopened as promised, for such a number of juicy items I have got to relate to you today! How I wish the Clacks weren't so expensive - having to wait to give you the latest is nearly unbearable! Not that cost is any object for us of course, but Gerald will grumble so when it isn't for something more tangible. And I must admit that the idea of having one's letters being flashed through so many towers where others might see them does make me just a bit nervous. You don't suppose the Clacks workers read them all and gossip about them, do you? Gloria, I should die! And you know how I abhor gossip! Actual news, of course, is quite another matter.
It can hardly come as a surprise that Lady Sybil's wedding to that Commoner Captain of hers did not come off without a hitch, and such a hitch it was! One does not expect even the most odious nuptials to be interrupted by an assassination attempt on one of the principal guests. That's the rub of having to invite the Patrician though, and the attempt nearly succeeded too! According to Lady Rust, who heard it from Lady Selachii who had it straight from her cousin who employs an Igor (it makes one wonder about that cousin, doesn't it?), Lord Vetinari shall have a limp for the rest of his life! Though heaven knows how long that will be.
And what do you suppose Lady Sybil's big, brave hulk of a peasant policeman did during all this? He ran off! And with half his staff too! Gloria, you should see what an assortment of riff raff they are allowing into the Watch these days – dwarves, trolls, even blondes! (though I am sure it is a dye job) It is no wonder such a rabble scatter at the first sign of trouble. But I understand the culprit was apprehended – or perhaps I should say inhumed – and suddenly Mr. D. Downey is the new head of the Assassin's Guild and elevated to the peerage as well. Interpret that as you will.
But this is not the last of the story, for it seems Lady Sybil's Captain came crawling back to the altar and she actually married the man! Such an embarrassment – I am sure Lord Ramkin must be spinning in his grave. And the Patrician felt so sorry for her that he gave the craven groom a knighthood! At least the fellow was shuffled from his Captaincy and given some ancient, obscure post where he can't cause any trouble, one hopes.
I am only glad I wasn't present to have to see any of these dreadful events. The invitation to the wedding for Gerald and myself apparently went astray, so I got the full account from Lady Rust, whose eye for detail, as you know, is impeccable. I fear Lady Sybil may have been devastated by our absence and she will have so many more burdens now, poor dear. Well, perhaps when her new husband makes her get rid of all those silly swamp dragons I shall go over more often to console her.
Oh, and I should mention before closing that one expense Gerald didn't begrudge was the new rhododendron bush we just imported all the way from Howandaland! The poor thing is looking a little bit sparse after such a long journey, but someday it will be magnificent! I live in happy anticipation!
Yours until next time,
Prudence
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Dear Gloria,
I am so happy that you got my last letter and am even happier to have received yours. One day this summer you simply must make the coach journey to visit us so we can catch up in a proper fashion. Do let us know when you are coming and Gerald and I shall make it worth the Thieves' Guild's while to see that you arrive unmolested. It's a scandal that one must pay the Thieves' Guild at all, but given the quality of our policemen, what else can one do?
Living right next door to the Commander of the City Watch appears to be no guarantee of security. I have received so few invitations from Lady Sybil that I am certain either Thieves or that dreadful spouse of hers must be stealing them from our doorbox. And speaking of him, do you know, far from getting rid of all the swamp dragons as I'd hoped, he is using them to light up his cigars! Gloria, can you imagine? It just goes to show you what happens when the non-quality move in. Lord Vetinari is trying his best to put some window dressing on the situation and now we are told that the Commander of the Watch is a Duke as well, but it is like trying to call a sausage food if you know what I mean.
To add to the city's woes there are golems wandering about these days, acting as if they are people instead of something made out of flower pot material. Lady Rust says they are trying to form their own Guild, but as A.M. already has one Fools' Guild I don't see what we should want with another. They'll be expecting to get paid for their labor next, I suppose. And I shall have to tell you about the strangest goings-on Gerald and I witnessed at the Opera House – but not now. I can hear the courier knocking at the door downstairs, so I must close and send this while I can!
Yours,
Prudence
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Happy Hogswatch!
Just a brief note to hope you and yours are having a joyous holiday season with lots of goodies!
Went over to a delightful party at Mr. and Mrs. Gaiter's last night. They have a new governess from Sto Helit. She seems a bit of an odd one, but is very good with children I am told.
Also, the Grotto at Crumley's has got in a new Hogfather this year for the usual silliness. He looks a bit on the thin side if you ask me, but on what he is in all probability being paid, is it reasonable to expect him to be fat?
Thank you for the lovely coinsettia – the papery little 'coins' look lovely on our holiday table. I hope you enjoy the Hogswatch cactus from Klatch we are sending – do not overwater it!
Love to all the family,
Prudence
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Very good news, Gloria!
Lady Sybil and that person she married are being sent to Uberwald, so Gerald and I shall be able to enjoy some peace in the neighborhood at last! Allegedly it's for some diplomatic mission, but I'm sure the real reason is that even Vetinari has had his fill of the man and is using this opportunity to send him into exile. One can only hope that Commander Vimes has the common decency to be eaten by a vampire or werewolf or something up there and not return! That sounds heartless, I know, but Gloria, you simply would not believe all the trouble we've had since he moved in next door!
First of all we get awakened far more than we were accustomed to by Watch criers yelling that 'All's Well!' at the top of their lungs – miserable wretches trying to prove their diligence to their boss at every hour – and Gloria, I do mean every hour. And then there are the Guild Assassins, some of whom damage our lawn and gardens when they creep through or worse, let their bodies fall on the flowers. That situation is simply intolerable. I've had a word with Lord Downey about it and he apologized profusely. Mind you, I cannot blame others for hiring the Guild to rid us of a neighborhood nuisance, but there needs to be more professionalism and competence in the efforts of the hireling. If I didn't know better I'd swear Commander Vimes rigged those roof panels to fling the Assassins at my very best roses on purpose! Thankfully none of them have hit the rhododendron, which is filling out nicely. So it is with thorough relief that I greet what one can only hope is a long or even permanent reprieve from the neighbors.
I should like to go on holiday myself – as far from Uberwald and the Vimeses as possible – but Gerald is reluctant after last year. We thought it was such luck to be in Lancre at the time of the Royal Naming, but Gerald and I came down with dreadful headaches! The worst! We met a delightful Count and his family, but we came away from Lancre feeling so weak and fuzzy-headed we shall not be returning there again soon, you may be sure. It must have been the food. Gerald says that the travel didn't suit him at all. And Gloria, you truly don't want to know the name of the village we passed through on the way back! So we shall be content to stay here and enjoy a much better run Constabulary for the duration.
Stay well!
Yours,
Prudence
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Dearest Gloria –
Thank you so much for being a wonderful host for our week in Pseudopolis! What a lovely time we had, and I am of course telling all our friends here how you, Thomas and the girls are getting on. Thank you for the recommendation on our revised coach route as well. The Effing Forest is gorgeous at this time of year, and Gerald and I agreed we just can't get enough of those Effing trees! Excellent birdwatching too – we saw a lovely pair of Effing tits during our stay. The only problem we encountered on our trip was Gerald's hayfever acting up a bit when we passed through Quirm. Gerald claims it is because he is allergic to goblins – dreadfully smelly creatures, you know, and there are so many of them in Quirm. But I think it might also have been the amount of avec they put in the cuisine. Quirm seems to be avec, avec everything!
Gerald's sniffles aside, it was hard to return to Ankh-Morpork and the dreariness of city life after visiting the springtime splendors of the country. Almost the only thing in bloom here – aside from our garden – are the lilacs, which everyone grows, even the rabble. Well, better to smell the lilacs than the people! Even the Assassins' Guild student we passed on the way to our house reeked – and oh, what she reeked of! (I think it is a scandal that they are admitting girls to that Guild these days, don't you?) The weather is drearier here too. No sooner were we in the door than a terrible thunderstorm started forming.
One hopes it is not some sort of omen. I know you asked me to keep you informed about Lady Sybil's confinement and I shall, but she is not the one who needs to be confined! It is depressing enough that the Vimeses are breeding, but do you think that Commander Vimes could show a little dignity for the birthing of his heir? Oh no! We must have a wave of destruction with his troll Sergeant knocking down trees with a giant crossbow (fortunately not our trees). Add to this policemen rushing everywhere and – you will think I am making this up though I swear I am not – the Commander himself stark naked and flying around on a broomstick with the Archchancellor of the University, and sending the poor midwife fleeing in terror! Have you ever heard of such a thing? It is a wonder Lady Sybil and the baby didn't perish. But they did not, and I am sorry to say that the child is a boy, born healthy, I am told. Hopefully he shall take after his mother (minus the swamp dragon fixation) and not his abominable father, for whom he is named. I just don't know what we would do if we had to put up with two of him!
Yours,
Prudence
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To: The Offices of the Patrician, Lord Havelock Vetinari of the Government of the City of Ankh-Morpork
Sir,
I am informed by my solicitor at the firm of Slant, Morecombe and Honeyplace, that it is not only the right but indeed the duty of every citizen of Ankh-Morpork to inform the Patrician when an official of our fair city is conducting himself or his office in a manner injurious to same. I must therefore write to tell you of the wholly inappropriate and dangerous actions carried out by His Grace, Sir Samuel Vimes, Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch near our home on Scoone Avenue this night before last. While it pains me to do so as I would never wish to cause hurt or harm to my dear, dear old friend Lady Sybil Ramkin Vimes (about whom nothing but good can be said) there comes a point at which not even the most amicable ties can sway one from duty.
Thus I assert that Commander Vimes (to use the shorter title) has wantonly and recklessly endangered the lives of the residents on Scoone Avenue, done material damage to the houses of same, caused bodily and perhaps fatal harm to a number of dwarves without benefit of due process, and moreover completely destroyed our prize rhododendron bush which was imported at great expense from Howandaland. While it is my understanding that the aforementioned dwarves may have been what one would term 'miscreants,' the manner in which they (or their remains) were apprehended is unworthy of the dignity of our fine men and women in uniform, of whom we are all so proud. I am referring, of course, to the Commander's use of swamp dragons as flame throwers and explosion-making devices. It is evidently this which caused not only the burning of our rhododendron, but also the blowing off of a barn roof at their residence, which then came down as a rain of burning debris everywhere around. How it pains me to see these poor, innocent creatures being abused so! And to think how it must pain Lady Sybil also! I cannot help but feel that a law banning these fragile reptiles from Scoone Avenue might be in their own best interests, and could be for Lady Sybil's own good as well, to say nothing of her poor child. One must always think of what is best for the children.
Yet when I tried remonstrating with Commander Vimes as to the loss of our rhododendron bush, he gave me a suggestion which was not only anatomically and botanically unsound, but also very rude! Surely this is not conduct becoming of an officer of our fair city! I implore you to take corrective measures at once. Perhaps a posting to Klatch would not be too much to ask? I mean of Commander Vimes, of course, and not Gerald and myself. I implore for the sake of good governance of our beloved Ankh-Morpork that these matters be brought up for consideration with all due expedience.
Your faithful and very concerned citizen,
Lady Prudence Robinson, esq.
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My Dearest Gloria,
I shall be most eager to learn if you have received this message which I am sending by what Gerald tells me is the very latest invention – stamps! And I am even including a sheet of stamps which I am told you may use to send letters in reply as well. Aren't they the most darling little things? Such charming illustrations and so tiny! Gerald has become quite an enthusiast for them. Ankh-Morpork is entering a new age – the age of Post! I do recall, Gloria, that my grandparents told me tales of how the Post Office was a magnificent business when they were children – you can only imagine how long ago that was! But now it seems to have come back and is even putting the Clacks to shame! (not that that can have been too difficult)
Gerald has met our new Postmaster, who is from Uberwald apparently, and tells me he is a perfect gentleman. It is a relief to know that our Patrician can entice the more respectable sort of individual to our civil service – save for the Watch! It will be a blessing if Postmaster Lipwig can set a salutary example of upright behavior for the constabulary riff-raff, but perhaps it is unfair to expect him to accomplish the impossible with that lot! It is enough to know we have at least one more civic authority who is orderly, moral and exactly as he should be.
Oh, and some exciting news I absolutely must not forget to tell you! Gerald and I are to take a vacation! Yes, well it shan't be all leisure, for we are to pay a call on Lord and Lady Rust at their countryside estate, so you know they will be showing us off to the locals. Such a bore, but we must endure! I anticipate a delightful opportunity to go on birdwatching jaunts, take in the clean, fresh air (something our city has precious little of, as you know). And best of all – no Vimes! Oh, Gloria, I can hardly wait!
Your most devoted friend,
Prudence
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Dearest Gloria,
Oh, how I wish I had your comforting presence at my side! I know that you have had your share of troubles along with your city – but I hope all of you and yours are recovered enough from the attack of that giant chicken that you might yet be a rock of support for me in this hour of need. It is just too terrible! Our lovely visit to the Rust's cottage is become a nightmare! And would you believe that our dreadful policeman neighbor is the cause of it all again? Even here? There is no escape from this menace! I am so livid as I write you this, Gloria, I am amazed I can still hold my quill and have not yet knocked over the ink! Honestly, I am trembling! Do forgive the handwriting – I am sure you will understand my distress.
Vimes!
Thrice cursed, dratted, damnable Vimes!
Gloria, I swear that man, if I can or should call him that, followed us here! Allegedly for a vacation at the same time and place as our vacation. Coincidence? On purpose, I say!
But this time the so-called Commander has not stopped at mere malevolence, mischief and cowardice! Oh, no! Word has arrived to the Rusts that he may even have stooped to murder! It is too dreadful and I shall not doubt a bit of it! It seems he made quite a spectacle of himself the other day, thrashing a poor, innocent local – a butcher by trade (the man he thrashed, that is, though I realize the description might well apply to that . . . that Vimes). Now the unfortunate local lad is missing and blood has been found by a place where Vimes ordered him to be that night for a meeting of some sort! Murder? Can we really doubt it of such a character as the alleged Commander of the Watch? I shall let you decide, but I will not remain here to see the trial, welcome as that occasion might be. I have already informed Gerald that I intend for us to depart for Quirm right away, lest our Scoone Avenue Stalker escape and murder us in our sleep! Gerald is unhappy as his allergies affected him so in Quirm, as you know, but they seem to be affecting him here too. He is blaming it all on goblins again, but that cannot be so, for we've been here a week and not seen a single one. But we've seen a Commander Vimes all right, and I do not care to risk his company one minute further! Lady Rust will be heartbroken by our abrupt departure, I realize, but this is a matter of basic self preservation. One of their other house guests, Mr. Stratford, has departed as well. I am sorry that it must come down to this, but what else is to be done? At least Quirm is not too distant a location to reach from where we are now, and we shall be safe from Vimes there - I hope!
I shall send word to you from Quirm once we have arrived there safely, as I feel someone must know where we are and when, lest this dread neighbor of ours somehow slip the noose and come after us! If only we had departed at the same time as that kindly Mr. Stratford, we might perhaps have sought safety in numbers. Alas, it is not to be. At present, I can only ask you to pray for our safety and keep us in your thoughts, my dearest, dearest friend!
Prudence
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Dear Gloria,
No words. I just have no words to describe it. I shall tell you that we are leaving Quirm immediately, and not on account of Gerald's allergies, dreadful though they are. And when I get back to Ankh-Morpork, I must seriously take stock of our magnificent gardens, at least what remains of them without the rhododendron, and force Gerald to contemplate our moving out of our once-esteemed neighborhood as our other neighbors – the good ones, not the inhabitants of Number One – have already done. Gloria, I do not know how much more my shattered nerves can take! But it is plain that if something does not happen, and soon, to take our resident criminal to hand, the good district of Scoone Avenue shall be very much of a piece with that other district known here as the Shades! Gerald thinks that I am over-reacting, but I think not. He proposes having a consultant design a new security system to keep us safe, though I cannot imagine the system secure enough for my tastes. I begin to think that even a residence in Klatch would be preferable to what, or rather whom, we are subject to, practically in our back yard! Gerald may think that I will feel differently when I am home and surrounded by my beloved roses and all else. I am sure I will not. We shall see.
Yours,
Prudence
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Dearest Gloria,
My apologies for the tenor of my last two letters, if they upset you – you can be sure I was as upset as I have ever been myself! But Gerald was correct in that there is nothing to make a person feel better than to be surrounded by her comfortable and familiar quarters. I do not know how it is that the certain resident of Number One whose name I can no longer speak of without nausea continues to evade the treatment or legal reckoning he is due. I assume now that his wife, fearful of her husband as she must be, uses the vast Ramkin fortune to continually buy his way out of trouble time after time. But I am refreshed and determined not to be forced from my own home. I had feared our new neighbor on the other side from Number One might be some similarly dreadful party as you-know-who, but we have had good news! Gloria, the newest residents on our street are to be our virtuous Postmaster Mr. Lipwig and his wife! The neighborhood is not in moral decline after all! We shall still have some measure of respectability on Scoone with these two!
Of course, as it behooved me, while welcoming our new neighbors, I did perform the reluctant duty of warning them about the other ones. Gerald was worried that my doing so would cause them to take it too much to heart and that the Lipwigs would move out in the face of such a menace as . . . . well, you-know-who. Indeed, they seemed barely able to keep their countenances under control as I filled them in, shaking their heads, but both assured me that they would keep my stories very much in mind. It is good to be taken seriously by such exemplary and brave people! Why, such is their courage they seem determined to laugh in the face of danger! I would swear I heard them doing so as that odious other neighbor put in an appearance and I did my best to go back into the safety of my house while advising them to do likewise.
Sadly, the Postmaster's duty and position in the city will require him to spend yet more time in the Commander of the Watch's company during civic ceremonies and such. You may be sure I cautioned him never to turn his back on you-know-who at such times. Mr. Lipwig assured me that he has tried to keep a weather eye out for the police his entire adult life – such a sensible man! I could not praise his upright behavior enough! And Mr. Lipwig's lovely wife is such a virtuous example of modesty too. I had heard some tales from others about her, but when I complimented her husband's fine character, do you know, she was so humble and demure about it, she covered her mouth with one hand and turned her face away and I am quite sure I could see her shoulders shaking with her efforts to contain herself at such admiration and acknowledgement. She excused herself then, and I hoped it was not because of you-know-who's appearance. She is pale of complexion naturally and doesn't need our other neighbor troubling her mind as he does mine. After she had gone, I remarked to Mr. Lipwig that I hoped he is good to a woman of such delicate and bashful sensibilities. He seemed to have a bit of a coughing fit as he nodded and then excused himself too, so perhaps there is a bit of rheum going about. One must wish it is not so! But Gerald has been sneezing again too, saying he is quite sure he can smell goblins around somewhere. Men!
Oh, I know I shouldn't put it like that, but Gloria, you know how our husbands are! Lovely gents, really, but so incapable of seeing what's right in front of them!
Yours,
Prudence