Begin Again
Summary: What happens when Kate finally builds up the courage to call him after all this time? Will he reject her or forgive her? Somewhat of an alternative view to Rise (4x01). One-shot.
Author's Note: If you read my last story you know that I really do not like Doctor Motorcycle Boy, it's really nothing personal, I'm just all for Caskett! I saw a re-rerun of this episode not too long ago and got this idea…this story is based on Taylor Swift's 'Begin Again.' ~ Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody or anything
"Okay Katie it's just coffee…how many times have you had coffee in your life." she exhales slowly out her mouth.
She stands in her bedroom, taking in her appearance in the floor length mirror. She looks good, finally like her old self. Her body is beginning to get its toneness back, thanks in part to her physical therapist, and it shows in the skinny jeans she is wearing. The form-fitting short sleeved striped shirt she adorns plunges quite low on her neck line. Her eyes travel to the scar that is barely covered by the low cut fabric. She has acquired many scars throughout her career, both emotional and physical, but this one holds special meaning. It reminds her daily of how short life truly is, what things really matter in life, and how close she had come to losing them all. She smiles when her eyes fall on her shoes, God how she loves her shoes, especially these red patent leather stilettos that make her long legs look even more heavenly. It has been so long since she has worn a good pair of heels, even before her shooting, Josh was never big on her wearing heels. For some reason she had given in to his distaste and stashed away all of her gorgeous obsessions. But he was gone now, out of her life, and her heels were back for good. She smiles, giving herself one last look over before realizing she needs to go.
She grabs her purse and her keys, locking her door behind her as she leaves her apartment.
"Hold the elevator please?" she asks picking up her pace.
"Oh Kate dear, how are you feeling? We haven't seen you in so long."
"Mr. and Mrs. Avery," she smiles as she enters the elevator, "I'm wonderful, I just recently returned to the city. How have you two been?"
"Well darling." The older lady replies as she places her arm through her husband's arm.
Kate stands in awe of the couple in front of her, they are still so in love after so many years of marriage. That is what she wants, to love and be loved unconditionally in return.
"You two have a wonderful afternoon." she smiles to the couple, exiting the elevator.
As Kate exits her building she puts her headphones in and decides that she will walk instead of drive because it is just too nice of a day to not be outside. The sound of Louis Armstrong's 'I Can't Give You Anything but Love' fills her head. She has always loved this song and she had her grandmother to thank for that. She used to listen to it whenever she needed to feel a sense of comfort. She would go home draw up a hot bath, pour a glass of wine, and turn it up, Josh never really understood how a song recorded from the 1920s could matter to her. But it relaxed her, soothed her in ways that he couldn't.
Before she knows it she is standing in front of the coffee-house. She checks her watch, right on time. She walks in expecting she will be the first one there, because let's face it, he has every right to be mad at her, she was shocked he had even agreed to meet her. She stands scanning for a table when her gaze falls upon him. He is here already, and as if on cue it is like he senses her, looking up to lock eyes with her. Standing he waves at her. God he looks so good. She smiles at him, a smile she hasn't let anyone see in months, a smile that she is beginning to realize she reserves only for him. She begins weaving her way through the tables over to him.
"Hey."
"Hi."
It has been three months, three agonizing months since they have seen each other and all they can do is stare at one another. He is the first to break their gaze.
"I took the liberty of ordering for you, I assume you still love your vanilla lattes." He jokes as he pulls her chair out for her.
"Always…" she isn't sure if his joke is meant to be taken as some sort of sly remark or not, but she honestly doesn't care because he is here, in front of her and she is enjoying the precious moments in life these days.
"God Castle, it is really good to see you." She says smiling at him, she can't help but take in his features. He has more lines on his face than usual, the circles under his eyes more prominent, to the lay person he's still ruggedly handsome, but she has memorized his face, she can see the added stress and she can't help but wonder if it is because of her.
"Mmmm." it's the only reply she gets. He's more reserved than usual, which he has every right to be, yet she can still see the admiration and reflection of his words from a few months ago in his eyes, even behind the pain.
"How's Alexis?" she avoids the topic of the last three months for now, knowing that she needs to ease into the subject. She is by no means going to run from the subject all together, she just needs him to be able to trust her again before she goes there.
She sits and listens as he talks about his daughter's senior year and how she has a goal of becoming valedictorian, which of course she is going to achieve, and then he's talking about her applying to college and how he can't believe it, that his little girl isn't such a little girl anymore.
Then he does this thing when he laughs and she's pretty sure her heart stops for a second. He throws his head back, and he looks like such an innocent little child, and oh what she would give to hold on to that moment for the rest of her life, to make him laugh like that for the rest of their lives. She finds it strange that she is thinking about the future all of a sudden because for the last three months she has been convinced that love does nothing but break and then end, but right now in this moment she's finding herself believing in the possibility of love again.
Hours pass and they talk about everything from their crazy wild-child phases to old cases to how he's having another writer's block. And somehow within the last few minutes they got on the conversation of music.
"There is no way you have more Louis Armstrong records than I do."
"I don't know Castle, it's quite possible," she replies taking a sip of her latte, "in fact, I was listening to him on the way over here." she states matter of factly.
"Yeah right," she raises her eyebrows at his comment, "prove it to me detective."
She smiles as their old, comfortable banter comes back to play. Reaching in her purse she pulls out her ipod and slides it across the table in his direction.
"I Can't Give You Anything but Love, interesting choice," when she doesn't say anything he continues his story, "I used to listen to that song all the time when I was younger."
"Really?"
"Don't seem so shocked Kate." she smiles at the use of her first name, lowering her head as she feels the heat rising in her cheeks, "my mother was in a 40s inspired play when I was younger and it was a recurring song, I immediately fell in love." He tilts his head locking eyes with her, the double meaning is not lost on her.
"I do believe I have rendered the sophisticated Detective Beckett speechless." he says after a few seconds of silence, giving her a genuine smile, her once again blushed cheeks not going unnoticed by him.
"Yeah, what is it with you today?" she asks.
"I've had a few months to work on my A-game." he says not sure if he meant that to come out as hurtful as it sounds or not.
"Yeah…you have," she puts her hand up to her mouth and looks out the window next to her, "look Rick," he locks eyes with her at the use of his first name, "I can say I'm sorry a million times over, but that won't give us the last three months back. I will regret what I did to you in that hospital room for the rest of my life." pausing for a moment and placing her hand on his, "I have my reasons Castle, but there is still no excuse for what I did to you."
"What was your reasoning for pushing me out of your life for three months?"
"I was scared and confused and…overwhelmed." her brows furrow together as she looks at him.
"You remembered." it is a statement not a question, and it is dripping in disdain. He pulls his hand from below hers, breaking her heart. "Why?" he asks, begging to know the truth of why she had lied to him that treacherous day, his pain and heartbreak reflecting hers.
"I wasn't me…I had just had a bullet pulled from my heart," her words break as she speaks, struggling to hold back tears, "I wasn't the girl you…fell in love with." Castle's head snaps up at her words and their eyes lock. "I needed to be that girl for you. And God knows there have been so many times in the last three months that I have not been that girl. But I've been working on it…and I want nothing more in this world than to be that girl for you." she takes a second to compose herself, "I know that this doesn't excuse anything, I was just…I was experiencing so many emotions and I couldn't sort one from the other. I had this sense of disappointment and betrayal from my mother because I let her killer slip through my fingers, which sounds ridiculous because she's not even alive. And then Josh and I were still together, and he was pushing me and pushing me. And then there's you…" a slight smile spreads across her lips as she places her hand cautiously over his, "telling me that you loved me…and I needed to make sure what we felt for each other wasn't just because I was dying. So I took some time, to myself, to sort through my thoughts and my feelings to make sure I was going after what I wanted for the right reasons, because, I've already caused enough damage and I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I wanted to be absolutely sure of myself before I saw you."
They sit in silence for a moment as they both absorb her words.
"You said were…" Castle says quietly, eyeing her.
"Hmm?"
"You said…Josh and I were together…"
"Really, I lay my heart on the line for you, and that's all you take from that?" she laughs, "No worries Castle I didn't slip up on my words, I ended it with him that day I talked to you at the hospital."
"And…" he probes after a couple seconds.
She smiles at him, she finds it ironic that it doesn't bother her when he pushes her for information, but that when Josh had she had had no problem saying good-bye.
"He kept pushing me, asking questions about the shooting, couldn't wrap his mind around how I had gotten shot at a funeral surrounded by cops. And he blamed you, which really pissed me off!" she smiles at him before taking a drink of her fresh latte, "I'd been over him for a long time, you knew that…that was just the last straw."
"You never talked to him about the shooting?"
"He didn't know much about my mom's case. He knew that she was gone, but he didn't know much more than that. So…no I didn't discuss the shooting with him." she can see the shock on his face, and she knows he is wondering how he couldn't know about something so important in her life.
"So you've been dealing with all this…the aftermath of everything by yourself these last couple months?" he asks her, and she sees what seems to be a twinge of guilt in his eyes.
"Yes and no…I spent most of the time up at my dad's cabin. He would come up and visit when he could, Lanie came up a lot on the weekends. I came back to the city once a week for therapy. Other than that it was just me, and I was okay with that…I needed that time alone."
"You're in therapy?"
"Yeah, department regs, I cleared out a while back, God only knows why…" she shakes her head to herself, "but I stayed in. I told you, I want to be that girl again. It's helped with a lot more than that though…nothing like a near death experience to show you the precious things in life. He's been great, he's helped me straighten out my life, straighten out my priorities."
"Wow…"
"Yeah, it's deep right." she laughs to herself.
"You amaze me," he says placing his hands over hers, "just when I think you can't get any better you…you take my breath away. I'm not saying that I'm not upset, but I get why you did what you did, and why you had to do what you did. But just promise me one thing?"
"Anything."
"From now on, when times get tough…you let me be there with you, alongside you. No more running. I don't care how bad, or how horrible, or how ugly it gets…we're in this together, always."
"Always." she echoes his word, because after all that word holds more meaning between the two of them than any other word could or ever would.
"You wanna get out of here?" he asks running his thumb across the back of her hand.
"Uhh…yeah." she doesn't know if she's having trouble speaking because of his touch, the way he's looking at her as if he can see straight through to her soul, or if she's just disappointed because their leaving each other. And before she can move to stand up he's right there to help her out of her chair.
"You look amazing by the way." he whispers in her ear causing her to shiver slightly. He places his hand on her lower back leading her out of the café.
"We should have sat outside, it's so beautiful out." Kate says sliding on her sunglasses.
"Yeah it is," he replies breathlessly, not going unnoticed by Kate who turns to look at him, he is staring at her. She lowers her face attempting to hide the heat she feels rising to her cheeks. "so, uh, walk you to your car?" he asks.
"No, I uh, I walked here."
"You walked? Here? In those shoes?" he asks pointing down to her feet.
"Hey now, don't go hatin on my shoes!"
"Actually, I'm lovin on your shoes." he replies putting his arms around her waist and pulling her to him quickly, placing a soft kiss on the tip of her nose, "Come on I'll walk you home." He says lacing his hand through hers.
"Uhhh…umm…" she is having a hard time finding words to formulate a response mainly because her head can't stop spinning, just from this man's touch.
"Speechless…twice in one day, I do believe my dear detective that that is a record of some kind." he jokes.
"Shut up." she replies jokingly as she elbows him.
"Ahh, there's my girl."
Kate catches herself smiling up at him before she leans into him. His girl, he had called her his girl, and she can't help but feel this mixture of butterflies, lust, desire, and pure, raw love for the man that had just called her his girl, because before this moment it had always been his muse, or his detective, or his partner, but never his girl. And she catches herself smiling again as she lays her head against his shoulder, because what she wouldn't give to hear him call her that for the rest of their lives.
They walk in sync enjoying the beautiful day and savoring one another's company, and somewhere along the way Kate realizes that she absentmindedly placed her free hand on his upper arm, as if their joined hands aren't holding them close enough for her liking.
She finds herself lost in his words, some story about his mother and Alexis and their infamous movie night and how lately it's really just been Alexis and him, but he's okay with that. And she smiles because she loves hearing him talk about his daughter, it's an intimate side to Richard Castle that very few people get to see, and she knows that, which is why she's even more honored when he says,
"Hey, you should come to movie night tonight."
"What?"
His statement causes her to stop in her tracks and not because she doesn't want to go, because she does, but because even with everything they have been through in the last year, and even more so in the last three months, he wants her to be a part of father-daughter date night and that means the world to her.
"I mean movie night is father-daughter date night, I…I don't want to, intrude on that time Castle." she spoke up.
"Please, if you knew how much Alexis has been asking about you the last couple months you would not have made that statement. Kate," he turns to her grabbing both of her hands, "I speak for both of us when I say we would love to have you over tonight."
"You're sure?" she asks looking up into his eyes.
"Kate…" he lifts up her sunglasses, placing them on top of her head, "what's bothering you?"
A faint smile crosses her face, this man never ceases to amaze her. He has always been able to read her, from the moment they met, it was as if he could reach into her soul, find what no one else could and bring it to the surface.
"Does she blame me?" she can't bring herself to look at him.
"What are you talking about?" he asks, shaking his head in confusion. And then suddenly it clicks, the ghostly, far-off gaze she has brings the memories back, he grabs her chin bringing her gaze back to his, "You have got to be kidding me."
"Am I though?" she can feel the tears stinging the back of her eyes just at the thoughts reeling in her head, "I mean God Rick, you could have been shot. I know you saw it, I know you did, you were moving before there was ever a shot. You know a split second earlier it could have been you, it could have been you on the ground, you on that gurney, you…flatlining." her voice breaks at the thought of him in her place, "Alexis is a smart girl, so you know the same scenario has crossed her mind, so tell me how does she not blame me for almost getting you shot. What would we…would she," Kate corrects herself quickly, this is about Alexis not her, "do without you? Have you thought about that? She needs you Rick, you are everything to her."
"Come here…" he pulls her into his arms wrapping himself around her tiny, vulnerable frame. He places his hand on the crown of her head, placing a kiss in the curls he loves so much.
"Look, I'm not going to lie to you. It definitely caused some problems between the two of us in the weeks following the shooting." he pulls back from their embrace so that he can look in her eyes, "But I'll tell you exactly what I told Alexis. I saw the reflection off the barrel, and my first thought went straight to you and your safety, but I wasn't fast enough, you were down before I could get to you," he places a finger over her lips when she goes to interrupt him, "Kate…everything I did that day, I would do it again, no doubt, in a heartbeat."
He smiles at her attempting to convey the truth behind his statement, but when he sees the question lingering behind her eyes he quickly continues.
"Because I meant what I said to you that day, every word." he places his hand on her cheek, rubbing his thumb over her well-defined cheek bone, "I don't take those words lightly, and I definitely don't say them to just anyone, and I didn't say them to you just because of what was going on at that moment, but because if…" now it is his turn for his voice to break.
"Hey…" she places her hand on the nape of his neck, looking him straight in the eyes, "I know…I know." her last words barely a whisper as she pulls his head down till their foreheads meet. She had known exactly what he had wanted to say, if she had died, which technically she had in his arms, he didn't want her to die without her knowing that he loved her.
"Alexis knows all this, she knows I'll do anything for the people I love. She also knows you didn't pull that trigger Kate and she knows you would never purposefully put me in danger. And I'm serious when I say she asks about you all the time. Whether or not you believe it, you are an important person in her life. You're somebody she really cares about and admires and wants in her life, and to be honest I can't think of a better woman I'd want my daughter to have that relationship with."
"Wow, I'm…" speechless again she thinks.
"So is that a yes to movie night?"
"Castle…"
"Kate…" she smiles, she loves it when she gets him to plead like a little boy.
"I would love to spend movie night with you and Alexis."
"Great, let's get you home," he says grabbing her hand, "because the sooner we get you home, the sooner you'll be knocking on my door and the sooner we'll be cuddling on the couch."
They walk the last few blocks hand in hand discussing their evening plans. Kate can't help but smile when Castle makes a comment about being the luckiest man to have her in his life after she says that he has to okay everything with Alexis first, and then she finds herself blushing when he starts talking about how she is perfect for their life, and by 'their' she knows he means his life and Alexis' life and their family life and everything that comes along with that. Then it hits her, they are talking about the future, quite possibly their future, and for the first time what's in the past is in the past.
As they reach her apartment building they find themselves not wanting to leave each other's company, but they make promises to see one another in just a few hours. He leans in ever so lightly kissing just the corner of her mouth. He lingers for only a moment savoring in her breathtaking scent and the softness of her skin beneath his lips. As he pulls away Kate's eyes flutter open and her devastatingly gorgeous smile spreads brightly across her face.
"I've really missed that smile," he states rubbing her chin, "until tonight my dear detective."
Kate knows that as long as he is in her life and as long as she continues to feel what she is feeling in her chest she's going to smile like that. Which she is hoping is going to be for the rest of her life, because she can't imagine her life without Richard Castle in it.
Then she realizes, if it's even possible, that her smile widens a little bit more, because today was a momentous day. It was the day her walls came down, the day she envisioned the possibility of magic truly existing, and the day she realized she is beginning to love again.
Thoughts?
**I have a ton of ideas in my little head! Hopefully I will have the time to crank them out for you guys! Thanks to everyone who read, (and especially) reviewed and favorited/followed my last story Thing for You! You guys are the best!