The Demise of the Gingerbread Man
"Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man!" I shout with glee as I take off at an incredible speed – for legs made of gingerbread, anyway. Lord Farquaad has ordered all fairy tale creatures to be, well, I'm not exactly sure. I didn't really stick around to find out. I mean, I'm a talking, walking (or running) cookie! Lord Farquaad is NOT going to look kindly on that! So…anyway. Back to the whole "Can't catch me" part of this tale.
I was running as fast as I could away from the – for lack of a better word – "meeting," where Lord Farquaad announced his new plans for his 'perfect' city. Do away with the fairy tale creatures. Um, hello?!? Us fairy tale creatures are da bomb, man!!! We are the life of this town!! And what thanks do we get? Exile, imprisonment, and possibly even death! So, I was at the back of the crowd, waiting to hear the news when I saw Farquaad's guards beginning to surround the place. Now, I figured he was up to no good, so I took off. I ran, ran as fast as I could into the forest, but a guard had seen me and was chasing me. I couldn't resist. I threw my head back and yelled, "Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man!" Now, the whole throw-your-head-back thing wasn't the best idea because as I was throwing my head back and chanting, I couldn't see where I was going and I blindly rounded a bend and ran as fast as I could…right into a tree. The world went black…
Now, Farquaad was a mean little man and he got his men to capture me and rewarded others for bringing innocent fairy tale creatures to their doom. But, anyway, I guess he likes gingerbread or something because he brought me to his castle. I thought I was going to be mashed or mangled or drowned in a glass of milk, but noooooo, I was brought to the castle. A castle that, by the way, is far too big and only ten percent of the rooms are actually used. How do I know this? Well, they brought me to the castle in a big black bag. But one of the guards tripped and fell. So I was free! Unfortunately for me, I ran, ran as fast as I could…right into the castle. Yes, I know, how stupid of me. But, I'm short. Really short. Shorter than Farquaad. So I couldn't see where I was going. So I ran into the castle and led the guards and even some of the maids on a lovely chase throughout the castle. Some of those passageways are like mazes! I lost about half of the guards within five minutes, but unfortunately, I ran right into Farquaad who sounded the alarm. Luckily Farquaad's short little arms could not reach me and I ran, ran as fast as I could away from him…and right into the dungeon. Well, no actually. I take that back. I ran, ran as fast as I could to the dungeon stairs and fell the rest of the way into the dungeon. Then, of course, they simply locked the door and I was trapped.
I was surrounded by darkness and was blindly trying to find a way out when the door opened and Lord Farquaad and his guards came down. One of them flicked a switch and CLANG an iron table came down from the ceiling. The guards grabbed me slammed me onto the table! How rude! That's no way to treat a guest! But, like I said Farquaad's a nasty little man and has no sense of hospitality whatsoever. I was really beginning to dislike the man.
Anyway, apparently he thought I knew the whereabouts of my fairy tale friends. (Well, of course I did! I had so know where to send their mail!) So he wanted me to tell him. I simply spat in his face crying, "Never!" because it seemed quite noble at the time. Well, however noble it was, it wasn't very intelligent. So his guard poured a huge glass of milk…
I still refused to tell him because, frankly, he had scared me so much I had forgotten everything! But, I couldn't tell him that! So, I spat at him again. You'd think I'd learn, but no… Oh, well. So, I spat on him and he reached over and grabbed the glass of milk! I HATE milk! It ruins my complexion and many of my friends have met their match when dealing with milk. My own mother, in fact, was drowned in the stuff! Two of my siblings were dissolved with milk and my best friend was soaked in the stuff and then eaten!!! So, needless to say, I was a bit nervous when he brought in the milk. It's serious when there's milk involved.
Then Farquaad raised the glass and tilted it at a precarious angle.
"Now," he said in his 'threatening' voice, "where are your fairy tale friends?"
"Well," I said, "they're not here."
"AARRGGGGGG!!!!" Lord Farquaad screamed, raising the glass menacingly, milk sloshing over the sides.
"Lord Farquaad," said a guard who appeared at the top of the stairs, "your presence is necessary."
"What?" Lord Farquaad slammed the glass of milk back down on the table and stormed upstairs.
"Phew!" I sighed and hopped up off the cookie tray and off the table. I ran, ran as fast as I could towards the stairs, but in my excitement I had temporarily forgotten about the guard who was watching. With a squeak of his armor, the guard leapt into the air and landed on top of me! Now, being the moist, home-baked cookie that I am, his armor flattened me!! Screaming, kicking, and running I (unsuccessfully) attempted to get away from him. Mumbling something behind his helmet, the evil guard slammed me back onto the torture-table and held me down. Laughing menacingly, he grabbed one of my legs.
"Run, run," he said in a low voice, "as fast as you can-"
He ripped my leg off. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed in terror (and pain).
"-you can't catch me –" He ripped my other leg off, and I screamed in agony.
"– I'm the gingerbread man!!!"
"I'm the gingerbread man, you evil man!!" I screeched in his face.
"I assume," the guard continued, "you like milk?"
I gasped. "No! Not the milk!!"
Throwing my legs onto the table, he grabbed me up and held me inches above the milk.
"Now, where are you're fairy tale friends?"
"I don't know!!!!" I insisted, but apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. With one swift movement, he dunked me into the milk. I could feel my frosting begin to disintegrate, my buttons begin to loosen, and my face begin to melt away. He pulled me out.
"Talk!" he demanded.
Coughing and sputtering, I managed to shout, "Never!" Wrong thing to say. I swear, I never learn. Jamming me as far into the glass of milk as he could, he began to stir the milk with me! Crumbs began to come off of me! I was disintegrating before my own eyes! Just when I was about to drown, the guard pulled me out of the milk for a spilt second. I gasped for air, but he just plunged me back into the milky depths of the torturous glass. When he pulled me out again, I heard someone else in the room. It was Lord Farquaad again!
"He's ready to talk," Lord Farquaad said. The guard dropped me onto the table again, and Lord Farquaad came up. He picked up my broken legs and began to dance them around the table.
"Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" Crumbs were falling from my legs as he ran them around the table. I almost cried. My poor legs! Being used for evil.
"Where are your fairy tale friends?" Farquaad demanded.
"Eat me!" I cried in defiance, and spit in his face.
Growling, Farquaad grabbed at my gumdrop buttons! I didn't really mean for him to eat me!
"No! Not the gumdrop buttons!" I cried, pleadingly. My mother had lovingly frosted them on at my last birthday.
"Who's hiding them?" Farquaad shone a bright light in my eyes.
"All right. I'll talk." I gave in. I couldn't take the torture anymore.
"Do you know," I began, "the muffin man?"
"The muffin man?"
"The muffin man!"
"Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?"
"Well, she's married to the muffin man."
"The muffin man?"
"The muffin man!!" I cried. Suddenly, the door opened at the top of the stairs.
"My Lord, we've found it," the guard cried excitedly.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Farquaad cried, forgetting about me completely. "Bring it down here!"
The men brought down something covered in a black cloth. I sat up to get a better look. The men hung it on the wall and removed the cloth.
It was the magic mirror! A face appeared in the glass.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall –"
"Don't tell him anything!" I cried. Farquaad didn't deserve anything from us fairy tale creatures/furniture!
In one swift movement, Farquaad swept me off the table and into the garbage can. The lid slammed shut behind me, plunging me into darkness. I heard Farquaad begin talking, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. I pounded on the sides of my dark prison, but no one heard me. Feeling around for a way out, I found a match. I don't know why that idiot Farquaad threw a perfectly good match away, but it was very useful. I lit it on the bottom of the trashcan and it illuminated the whole place! Not much in there, really. Must have been trash day recently. There were a few papers, a candy cane, some broken glass, a puddle of milk, a banana peel, some frosting, and my legs!!! I made a fire over to one side using the paper and immediately crawled over to my legs. Very carefully, I frosted my legs back on. Using the candy cane as a…cane, I hobbled around the garbage can looking for a way out. The lid was sealed tightly and the sides were slick. I was trapped. I was becoming very discouraged and I was holding back tears. I thought I would be trapped in that garbage can for the rest of my life! Which, I noted, would not be much longer because the fire was creating a lot of smoke, which was clouding up the place and I am pretty sure that you can die of smoke inhalation. I panicked, and I stupidly began to run, run as fast as I could (which wasn't very fast seeing as I had two broken legs, newly frosted, and a cane) and I slipped on the banana peel. I went flying into the air and did a double back flip, landing on one of my legs, which promptly broke off again. I was out of frosting, so I couldn't repair myself. I had fallen and I couldn't get up, much less run. What good was a gingerbread man who couldn't run??? Sobbing, I accepted my fate: death by smoke inhalation in an old garbage can.
Suddenly, I saw a bright light. The end was here. I knew it. I was done for. Good-bye, cruel world. I felt like I was falling, over and over again, tumbling into the next world…and then I opened my eyes.
I wasn't dead. In fact, I was very much alive. I still had my one leg and my candy cane. I was on a huge pile of trash. It took me a few seconds, but I figured out that I was in a dump truck! (They must have a lot of trash days in Dulac.) Anyway, the driver of this dump truck must not have passed his drivers test. The truck kept bumping up and down. It's a miracle Dulac is so clean; trash was flying out all over the place. I couldn't believe that we were actually on a road, so I crawled, bounced, and hobbled over to the side of the truck and looked down. I've never been one for heights. They're rather dangerous. It makes me a bit nervous. And I was pretty darn high up in that truck. After clutching desperately to the side of the truck, I gathered what was left of my courage and looked down again to see where we were. It didn't take me long to figure out that we weren't on a road, we were in the middle of the forest!! After a few more minutes of bumping around in the back of that truck, we stopped.
I heard a weird grinding sound and all of the sudden I was sliding!!! They were dumping the trash in the middle of the forest! No wonder Dulac was so clean! They only polluted the space outside of their perfect little world! Disgusting!
I tumbled out of the truck, only to land on a huge pile of trash! I was in the middle of a dump! Yuck! Flies buzzed everywhere and the stench…! Let's not go there.
Picking little bits of old chewed-up food from my frosting, I tried to stand. Luckily, I had held onto the candy cane. I stood up, proud to be able to kept my balance, and promptly fell over, sliding all the way to the bottom of the pile with a loud thump. I quickly jumped up and hobbled, hobbled as fast as I could away from the trash pile because I had started a rather large avalanche. Even with only one foot I was pretty fast and I out ran – er, hobbled – the trash avalanche.
Exhausted after my close encounter with garbage, I leaned against a tree and tried to catch my breath. When I had stopped gasping for breath, I heard something in the distance. Music. Listening carefully, I could tell it was a party!
Hobbling quickly over a rise, I was blasted with loud, happy music. Surveying the scene, I saw that it was a wedding! Not only was it a wedding, I was a fairy tale creature's wedding! The party was in full swing and I didn't plan to miss out. Fairy tale creatures throw the best parties.
All us fairy tale creatures had survived our terrible encounters with the evil Lord Farquaad. We had beaten the evil, perfect town of Dulac! Smiling, I hobbled/tumbled down the hill to join the party.
On my way down, I saw a boulder nearby. "Hey," I said with a smile, "I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder!"
"Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man!" I shout with glee as I take off at an incredible speed – for legs made of gingerbread, anyway. Lord Farquaad has ordered all fairy tale creatures to be, well, I'm not exactly sure. I didn't really stick around to find out. I mean, I'm a talking, walking (or running) cookie! Lord Farquaad is NOT going to look kindly on that! So…anyway. Back to the whole "Can't catch me" part of this tale.
I was running as fast as I could away from the – for lack of a better word – "meeting," where Lord Farquaad announced his new plans for his 'perfect' city. Do away with the fairy tale creatures. Um, hello?!? Us fairy tale creatures are da bomb, man!!! We are the life of this town!! And what thanks do we get? Exile, imprisonment, and possibly even death! So, I was at the back of the crowd, waiting to hear the news when I saw Farquaad's guards beginning to surround the place. Now, I figured he was up to no good, so I took off. I ran, ran as fast as I could into the forest, but a guard had seen me and was chasing me. I couldn't resist. I threw my head back and yelled, "Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man!" Now, the whole throw-your-head-back thing wasn't the best idea because as I was throwing my head back and chanting, I couldn't see where I was going and I blindly rounded a bend and ran as fast as I could…right into a tree. The world went black…
Now, Farquaad was a mean little man and he got his men to capture me and rewarded others for bringing innocent fairy tale creatures to their doom. But, anyway, I guess he likes gingerbread or something because he brought me to his castle. I thought I was going to be mashed or mangled or drowned in a glass of milk, but noooooo, I was brought to the castle. A castle that, by the way, is far too big and only ten percent of the rooms are actually used. How do I know this? Well, they brought me to the castle in a big black bag. But one of the guards tripped and fell. So I was free! Unfortunately for me, I ran, ran as fast as I could…right into the castle. Yes, I know, how stupid of me. But, I'm short. Really short. Shorter than Farquaad. So I couldn't see where I was going. So I ran into the castle and led the guards and even some of the maids on a lovely chase throughout the castle. Some of those passageways are like mazes! I lost about half of the guards within five minutes, but unfortunately, I ran right into Farquaad who sounded the alarm. Luckily Farquaad's short little arms could not reach me and I ran, ran as fast as I could away from him…and right into the dungeon. Well, no actually. I take that back. I ran, ran as fast as I could to the dungeon stairs and fell the rest of the way into the dungeon. Then, of course, they simply locked the door and I was trapped.
I was surrounded by darkness and was blindly trying to find a way out when the door opened and Lord Farquaad and his guards came down. One of them flicked a switch and CLANG an iron table came down from the ceiling. The guards grabbed me slammed me onto the table! How rude! That's no way to treat a guest! But, like I said Farquaad's a nasty little man and has no sense of hospitality whatsoever. I was really beginning to dislike the man.
Anyway, apparently he thought I knew the whereabouts of my fairy tale friends. (Well, of course I did! I had so know where to send their mail!) So he wanted me to tell him. I simply spat in his face crying, "Never!" because it seemed quite noble at the time. Well, however noble it was, it wasn't very intelligent. So his guard poured a huge glass of milk…
I still refused to tell him because, frankly, he had scared me so much I had forgotten everything! But, I couldn't tell him that! So, I spat at him again. You'd think I'd learn, but no… Oh, well. So, I spat on him and he reached over and grabbed the glass of milk! I HATE milk! It ruins my complexion and many of my friends have met their match when dealing with milk. My own mother, in fact, was drowned in the stuff! Two of my siblings were dissolved with milk and my best friend was soaked in the stuff and then eaten!!! So, needless to say, I was a bit nervous when he brought in the milk. It's serious when there's milk involved.
Then Farquaad raised the glass and tilted it at a precarious angle.
"Now," he said in his 'threatening' voice, "where are your fairy tale friends?"
"Well," I said, "they're not here."
"AARRGGGGGG!!!!" Lord Farquaad screamed, raising the glass menacingly, milk sloshing over the sides.
"Lord Farquaad," said a guard who appeared at the top of the stairs, "your presence is necessary."
"What?" Lord Farquaad slammed the glass of milk back down on the table and stormed upstairs.
"Phew!" I sighed and hopped up off the cookie tray and off the table. I ran, ran as fast as I could towards the stairs, but in my excitement I had temporarily forgotten about the guard who was watching. With a squeak of his armor, the guard leapt into the air and landed on top of me! Now, being the moist, home-baked cookie that I am, his armor flattened me!! Screaming, kicking, and running I (unsuccessfully) attempted to get away from him. Mumbling something behind his helmet, the evil guard slammed me back onto the torture-table and held me down. Laughing menacingly, he grabbed one of my legs.
"Run, run," he said in a low voice, "as fast as you can-"
He ripped my leg off. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed in terror (and pain).
"-you can't catch me –" He ripped my other leg off, and I screamed in agony.
"– I'm the gingerbread man!!!"
"I'm the gingerbread man, you evil man!!" I screeched in his face.
"I assume," the guard continued, "you like milk?"
I gasped. "No! Not the milk!!"
Throwing my legs onto the table, he grabbed me up and held me inches above the milk.
"Now, where are you're fairy tale friends?"
"I don't know!!!!" I insisted, but apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. With one swift movement, he dunked me into the milk. I could feel my frosting begin to disintegrate, my buttons begin to loosen, and my face begin to melt away. He pulled me out.
"Talk!" he demanded.
Coughing and sputtering, I managed to shout, "Never!" Wrong thing to say. I swear, I never learn. Jamming me as far into the glass of milk as he could, he began to stir the milk with me! Crumbs began to come off of me! I was disintegrating before my own eyes! Just when I was about to drown, the guard pulled me out of the milk for a spilt second. I gasped for air, but he just plunged me back into the milky depths of the torturous glass. When he pulled me out again, I heard someone else in the room. It was Lord Farquaad again!
"He's ready to talk," Lord Farquaad said. The guard dropped me onto the table again, and Lord Farquaad came up. He picked up my broken legs and began to dance them around the table.
"Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" Crumbs were falling from my legs as he ran them around the table. I almost cried. My poor legs! Being used for evil.
"Where are your fairy tale friends?" Farquaad demanded.
"Eat me!" I cried in defiance, and spit in his face.
Growling, Farquaad grabbed at my gumdrop buttons! I didn't really mean for him to eat me!
"No! Not the gumdrop buttons!" I cried, pleadingly. My mother had lovingly frosted them on at my last birthday.
"Who's hiding them?" Farquaad shone a bright light in my eyes.
"All right. I'll talk." I gave in. I couldn't take the torture anymore.
"Do you know," I began, "the muffin man?"
"The muffin man?"
"The muffin man!"
"Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?"
"Well, she's married to the muffin man."
"The muffin man?"
"The muffin man!!" I cried. Suddenly, the door opened at the top of the stairs.
"My Lord, we've found it," the guard cried excitedly.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Farquaad cried, forgetting about me completely. "Bring it down here!"
The men brought down something covered in a black cloth. I sat up to get a better look. The men hung it on the wall and removed the cloth.
It was the magic mirror! A face appeared in the glass.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall –"
"Don't tell him anything!" I cried. Farquaad didn't deserve anything from us fairy tale creatures/furniture!
In one swift movement, Farquaad swept me off the table and into the garbage can. The lid slammed shut behind me, plunging me into darkness. I heard Farquaad begin talking, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. I pounded on the sides of my dark prison, but no one heard me. Feeling around for a way out, I found a match. I don't know why that idiot Farquaad threw a perfectly good match away, but it was very useful. I lit it on the bottom of the trashcan and it illuminated the whole place! Not much in there, really. Must have been trash day recently. There were a few papers, a candy cane, some broken glass, a puddle of milk, a banana peel, some frosting, and my legs!!! I made a fire over to one side using the paper and immediately crawled over to my legs. Very carefully, I frosted my legs back on. Using the candy cane as a…cane, I hobbled around the garbage can looking for a way out. The lid was sealed tightly and the sides were slick. I was trapped. I was becoming very discouraged and I was holding back tears. I thought I would be trapped in that garbage can for the rest of my life! Which, I noted, would not be much longer because the fire was creating a lot of smoke, which was clouding up the place and I am pretty sure that you can die of smoke inhalation. I panicked, and I stupidly began to run, run as fast as I could (which wasn't very fast seeing as I had two broken legs, newly frosted, and a cane) and I slipped on the banana peel. I went flying into the air and did a double back flip, landing on one of my legs, which promptly broke off again. I was out of frosting, so I couldn't repair myself. I had fallen and I couldn't get up, much less run. What good was a gingerbread man who couldn't run??? Sobbing, I accepted my fate: death by smoke inhalation in an old garbage can.
Suddenly, I saw a bright light. The end was here. I knew it. I was done for. Good-bye, cruel world. I felt like I was falling, over and over again, tumbling into the next world…and then I opened my eyes.
I wasn't dead. In fact, I was very much alive. I still had my one leg and my candy cane. I was on a huge pile of trash. It took me a few seconds, but I figured out that I was in a dump truck! (They must have a lot of trash days in Dulac.) Anyway, the driver of this dump truck must not have passed his drivers test. The truck kept bumping up and down. It's a miracle Dulac is so clean; trash was flying out all over the place. I couldn't believe that we were actually on a road, so I crawled, bounced, and hobbled over to the side of the truck and looked down. I've never been one for heights. They're rather dangerous. It makes me a bit nervous. And I was pretty darn high up in that truck. After clutching desperately to the side of the truck, I gathered what was left of my courage and looked down again to see where we were. It didn't take me long to figure out that we weren't on a road, we were in the middle of the forest!! After a few more minutes of bumping around in the back of that truck, we stopped.
I heard a weird grinding sound and all of the sudden I was sliding!!! They were dumping the trash in the middle of the forest! No wonder Dulac was so clean! They only polluted the space outside of their perfect little world! Disgusting!
I tumbled out of the truck, only to land on a huge pile of trash! I was in the middle of a dump! Yuck! Flies buzzed everywhere and the stench…! Let's not go there.
Picking little bits of old chewed-up food from my frosting, I tried to stand. Luckily, I had held onto the candy cane. I stood up, proud to be able to kept my balance, and promptly fell over, sliding all the way to the bottom of the pile with a loud thump. I quickly jumped up and hobbled, hobbled as fast as I could away from the trash pile because I had started a rather large avalanche. Even with only one foot I was pretty fast and I out ran – er, hobbled – the trash avalanche.
Exhausted after my close encounter with garbage, I leaned against a tree and tried to catch my breath. When I had stopped gasping for breath, I heard something in the distance. Music. Listening carefully, I could tell it was a party!
Hobbling quickly over a rise, I was blasted with loud, happy music. Surveying the scene, I saw that it was a wedding! Not only was it a wedding, I was a fairy tale creature's wedding! The party was in full swing and I didn't plan to miss out. Fairy tale creatures throw the best parties.
All us fairy tale creatures had survived our terrible encounters with the evil Lord Farquaad. We had beaten the evil, perfect town of Dulac! Smiling, I hobbled/tumbled down the hill to join the party.
On my way down, I saw a boulder nearby. "Hey," I said with a smile, "I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder!"