Disclaimer: I basically don't own anything that is recognizable.
Hermione was standing on platform nine and three quarters, looking for her best friends. She just couldn't seem to find them. All she could see, was Malfoy and his father whispering and looking her way.
"Oi, 'Mione!" said the hothead that had a terrible temper.
"Hermione, my name is Hermione. Three cheers to the first person who can say it correctly!" said Hermione, catching his wandering eye as they found a compartment on the Hogwarts' Express.
"Wow, Hermione. You're like, new and improved!" said Harry, looking at her now sleek and shiny (and not bushy) hair, and her slender figure. "How did you ever get such sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet characteristics?!" he asked her.
"Since that clearly offended me, I am not going to answer and pretend that I had forgotten about going to the Heads' compartment, and leave. So, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good ride!" she said, and started for the door.
"It's not Christmas, 'Mione!" Ron called after her.
"Hermione, Ron, Hermione!" but Ron didn't hear her, for he was distracted with a butterfly that was on the other side of the window.
Upon reaching the Heads' compartment, Hermione opened the door and walked inside (obviously).
"gasps Malfoy?! What are you doing here! They wouldn't seriously give you the Head Boy badge, would they?!? The pointy needle thingy could be used for evil in your hands!" said Hermione, almost falling out of the seat she hadn't even sat in.
"I poke people without needles, thank you!" said Malfoy.
"Well, since the author of this story doesn't feel like writing a pointless argument between the two of us, let's play a game!" said Hermione.
"OKAY!!!" said Malfoy, looking like a queer.
"Okay, what happens is I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Got it?" she asked, and Malfoy nodded his head so quickly, he was sure to have a migraine the next morning. "Okay the first word I choose is," she paused, clearly thinking of a word to say (obviously). "Sugar."
Malfoy hardly waited before responding. "We're going down swinging," said Malfoy in a sing song voice.
"That's a muggle song! But whatever!!!" said Hermione. Inside she was giggling all over. "Okay my next word is," there was a dramatic pause and Hermione was secretly pretending to be a game show host (one of the way-too-happy ones). "Ice."
"Ice, Baby," said Malfoy without a moments hesitation.
"WOTTTTT?!?!?! If you knew muggle music, we could have been singing karaoke this whole time!" said Hermione. "Anyways, I changed my mind. I was watching this muggle TV show, Hannah Montana, over summer. I think we should be superheroes, so I stole some names that they used. I'm going to be Bucky Kentucky, and you can be Hannah Montana!" said Hermione.
"But I wanna be Bucky!" said Malfoy.
"No!" screeched Hermione, content with getting to be Bucky Kentucky.
"You're a Mudblood!"
"Well you're ugly!"
"My mommy told me I'm pretty!"
"Well your mommy was WRONG!"
"Well I hate you!"
"Your mommy hates you!"
"Don't talk about my mommy!"
"I'll talk about whoever I want!"
"No you won't!"
"I will too!"
5 Minutes Later…
"Will not!" screeched Malfoy.
"Will TOO!" screamed Hermione.
"WILL NOT!"
"Okay my lungs are hurting real bad, so can we stop this now and play another game?" asked Hermione.
"Well, I would, but I can see Hogwarts. So, no thanks," said Malfoy.
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed and stalked out of the compartment to change into her robes. Soon after she left, if you listened closely, you could hear Draco Malfoy humming a tune that sounded insanely like a Hannah Montana song.
"Holy Merlin's socks! You guys will never guess what happened in the Heads' compartment!" Hermione exclaimed.
"You and Malfoy argued, then you played a game, and then you argued again, and then you offered to play a game, and you told him you he hated him, and left?" said Ron.
"How did you know that?!" said Hermione.
"We obviously weren't spying," said Ron and his ears turned scarlet like they always do.
"Oh my God! I am going to stalk off now and be angsty! Grr you make me angry!" said Hermione, making her way to sit by Ginny.
"Holy Merlin's socks, Ginny! You will never guess what happened!" said Hermione.
"You got mad at Harry and Ron for spying on you in the Heads' compartment?" asked Ginny not looking up from her food, but she handed Hermione a note.
"What's this for?" asked Hermione.
"Malfoy told me to give it to you," said Ginny.
Meet me in the astronomy tower after dinner.
"Ginny, he wants me to meet him in the astronomy tower after dinner. Should I go?" asked Hermione.
"Hermione, you're harshing my mellow, so just go," said Ginny, still not looking up from her plate.
"Ugh, fine then. I'm going to the astronomy tower," said Hermione, mad at all of her friends (obviously).
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALFOYYYYYYYYYYY?!" Hermione screamed unnecessarily. "Malfoy, Malfoy, where art thou Malfoy?" she said. She said no more because she saw him standing in the distance, shirtless (obviously). Hermione studied his Quidditch toned body, even though she didn't know how someone could get muscles by sitting on a stick, suspended in mid-air.
"I'm right here," he said, but didn't look at her. "I need to tell you something," he said.
"Okay tell me," Hermione said, clearly not interested.
"I can't play games with you anymore," he said. Hermione looked sad, even though they hated each other. "My daddy found out because he has super powers, and he said he would beat me with his pimp stick if I don't stay away from you."
"But even though I wasn't thinking about it earlier, and the author didn't put it in the story, I decided I love you, Draco!" said Hermione.
"Really? Same here, except I was thinking along the lines of 'Hermione makes me happy in the pants', but you get the point." Hermione blushed (obviously).
"Well, I guess we should kiss now," said Hermione, and Draco nodded. He placed his soft lips on hers, as she ran her fingers through his soft hair, even though it doesn't state anywhere that Draco had not recently applied Chap Stick to his lips or conditioner to his hair. Draco was thinking about how Hermione was a phenomenal kisser, even though she had never kissed before. After that, one thing led to another.
THE NEXT SCENE IS CENSORED FOR NAUGHTY MATERIAL
Hermione collapsed next to Draco after their 'shin dig'. "Wow, that was loads of fun," Hermione said, trying to catch her breath.
"'MIONE!" said Ron. "What is this?!" he yelled.
"Urgg, since this is only going to turn into an argument of jealousy, I'm going to tell you now. Fuck a spork, Ron." Hermione said defiantly. Ron sulked out of the room. Just as Hermione almost dozed off, there were footsteps.
"Why, hello there Draco," said a voice that sounded like it owned a pimp stick. "It looks like you failed to obey my orders," said Lucius Malfoy. "But enough of wasting time," he said. "Avada Kedavra!" he yelled, and Draco went limp. Then, defying the laws of Hogwarts, he disapparated.
"This is terrible, I must jump off of the top of the astronomy tower!" said Hermione, devastated with Draco's death, and jumped. Ron walked into the room just as she jumped, but it was too late to save her. He was confounded by the death of the one he loved, so he jumped after her. Harry had been wondering where Ron had gotten to, and was shocked as he watched Ron jump and fall. He was so shocked, that he fell over the edge as well. Ginny walked in just as he fell, and before she started to leave, she muttered a few words. "Just what I needed. More people harshing my mellow," she said. But before she could leave, a jet of green light hit her and she fell to the ground. Draco Malfoy sat up and stretched his arms.
"Go Draco, it's my birthday. Killed the trio (and Ginny), all in one day," he said and laughed a maniacal laugh.
End.
So, how did I do? This is my first parody/fanfic ever. I hope it's good!
color-me-slytherin